"All the World is Birthday Cake, so take a piece, but not too much."

Ugh, I’ve been dreading this birthday for the longest time (but, I will be surprised if I actually make it at this point!). Presents are the only way to ease the sting (hehe). I’m holding off on any kitchen stuff even though I need lots of it, since that’s all the stuff that will go on my wedding registry. I was going to ask for a tablet, since my laptop was ruined by water (and ruined before that by someone spilling wine into it - it’s just not worth it to pay to fix it again because Windows 8 is coming out soon) - but I went ahead and put an ipad on layaway at Wal-Mart.




(1) A Myxie for my bedroom! (my bedroom is black/white and hot pink now with just a few touches of gray/gray-ish purple). I had a blue one, but it’s been broken so many times that sadly - it just can’t be repaired anymore at this point. http://www.etsy.com/listing/96237073/lola-lorn-myxie-sculpture



(2) Bpal! I gave this list to Bob to distribute. Perfumes or bath oils = Love.



(3) Any type of artwork from Mom or Bobby.



(4) Any type of artwork - sculptures, prints, paintings, ceramics, wall-hangings, and so on. I’m trying to replace all of the pieces that my new family has broken (hehe).



(5) Stationary and postcards! I need these badly, because I have a list of friends that I write to and check on when they are down and/or sick. I would love a variety of different types of styles.



(6) I would adore some Moona Lisa products. I especially want to try one of her yam creams - she also makes 4-in-1’s and bath soaks - would love some of these. Bobby would have to do this because it’s complicated - she only sells a few times a year, so you would have to advertise in this community Bobby - and then ask for feedback and buy new products from people in the community (that’s how I found her soaps for you last Christmas): http://evil-enablers.livejournal.com/



(7) Bath bombs from Fantasy Bath - I love the colors that they turn the water - and they always cheer me up. http://www.fantasybath.com/



(8) I especially need a couple of new belly rings - all of mine are missing pieces! Lots of ideas on my kaboodle. http://www.kaboodle.com/girlindenial/coveted-items.html



(9) Shoes! Pretty pretty please? The second thing I want *most* besides bpal. I desperately need shoes. I’m dying for a pair of Creepers (the tie-up shoes that are platform - want to wear these with tights). I really won’t be upset at all if I get like 3 pairs of shoes and a few bpals (seriously!) That’s how badly I need shoes.



(10) A huge Yankee Candle in “Witches Brew” - I love the limited edition Halloween and Fall candles from YC - will take any of them and adore them! I really love to burn these in my bedroom - makes me super happy. I think “Witches Brew” will have to be found on Ebay; I couldn’t find it at any Hallmark in Little Rock this year. But, I would also be head over heels with some other Halloween Yankee Candles.

"I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month."

Dear Santa:


What a year! I’ll be lucky if I can even physically make it to Christmas this year; I have just been so sore all over from my Fibromyalgia. I’m still fighting doctors until I can get back some semblance of my normal life. My art has saved me - and my mom encouraging my art, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. She’s helped me get a series of paintings started, and she helps me get out of the house every week - so that I can feel like a normal person. I’ve been pretty well-behaved (hehe). I rescued a doggy from a busy street, and I posted flyers and am taking care of her until I can find her owner. I’ve been hurt by the same amount of people as usual - but some people have been extraordinarily kind to me. Presents and little gifts for people have gone out, so that I could spread the kindness that others have extended to me.
Per usual, I don’t expect to get all or any of this - I just wanted to give a bunch of ideas to choose from.

Here we go!

(1) Unusual stationary and post cards - http://www.zazzle.com/ and eBay have a lot of variety where you can order “x” number of postcards from one artist or order 1 of a bunch of different kinds - which is so cool because I love a variety! (You can also make your own postcards with pictures of art pieces or internet images). My favorite fairy artist - Jasmine Beckett-Griffith even has a store on zazzle - and you can order any of the designs that you search for (example: skull) in a postcard or greeting card.

(2) Flip video recorder - I don’t need the biggest memory one - the 60 minute one would be fine, and I don’t mind if it’s used. I want to use this to tentavilely start my art technique blog (I haven't decided whether I want to start a blog or draft an art book). Apparently, the “third generation” one just came out and it has a lot of new features - like stabilization so it doesn’t blur the image if you aren’t completely steady (I have this problem with my camera b/c one of my medications makes me shaky). The 3rd generation 4GB (1 hour) Mino HD is the only one with image stabilization and an included rechargeable battery pack right now (the Ultra HD takes regular batteries and you have to spend $25 to get a battery pack if you want to just recharge it in your USB port like the Mino HD does).

(3) Villainess smooches (sugar scrubs) or Smacks. With smooches, you just choose a certain scent. With the Smacks, you choose 4 scents that you think will go good together and layer them. I still have trouble smelling really sweet scents (unless the sweet has some warmth or cream to it), and I can’t smell fruit very well. I hate florals and mint but everyone knows that. I love vanilla and really have been getting into musky and leather scents this year - and foody scents. Villainess products are sold at http://www.villainess.net/ and http://www.soapboxcompany.com/.

(4) As many of the seasons of the Big Bang Theory that can be found used on http://www.amazon.com/ or on Ebay as anyone can! Eventually, I’d like to get all the seasons - and I prefer the used ones so you can get more *bang* for your buck (hehe!) I love this show - it’s my comfort show for when I don’t feel well. I don’t have any of the seasons yet.

(5) Mineral eye shadows from http://www.thebodyneeds.com/ (they sell their own line and authentic MAC sample jars - I like both! Very affordable - like $1.50-$2.00 and come in little pots). I know MAC and the TBN brand work on my skin, but I would also love to try a few mini-jars from http://www.fyrinnae.com/ (the mini jars are $2.00) - I’ve never tried these eye shadows but would love to - they are supposed to have a lot of metallic and shimmer in them - shipping takes over a month from them though - they are based in Canada. Please please please feed my eye shadow addiction (grin) I’d also love the “Pixie Epoxy” from this company - it holds glittery eye shadow in place.

(6) Sony IPOD stereo - I have nothing that has real speakers to play my IPOD in or any music for that matter - I need bass again - I want something loud! Here is the one I’ve been eyeballing at Wal-Mart that is the same price on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Sony-MHC-EC909iP-hi-fi-music-system/dp/B003GZDB1Q/ref=pd_cp_e_1_img.  Maybe this can be found cheaper on Ebay or maybe there is a smaller system with just as much bass.

(7) Bpal! The lab has been discontinuing scents left and right, because some the smaller vendors of essential oils that go into the blends are folding due to the economy. Jailbait is my most favorite bpal ever - and I’m afraid that it will be discontinued, so:

Jailbait (General Catalog) want this GC the most!
Eat Me (General Catalog)
The Soldier (Limited Edition Christmas Scent)
The Waltz of the Snowflakes (LE)
Winter-Time (LE) want this Limited Edition the most!

(8) Anything from Charming Charlie (hehe) - or just jewelry in general. A mission! I specifically need a couple of really long necklaces for two boring black dresses that come up to my neck - I only have short necklaces.

(9) Books, books, and more books! (on my wish list below)

(10) Love and hugs from my family ::extended arms....grin::

I have *tons* of stuff on my Kaboodle wish list - most especially the books and jewelry - that I would love too have (once again, just listing a bunch of stuff so there are lots to choose from!) Here is my wish list:

Wish List! (http://www.kaboodle.com/girlindenial/coveted-items.html)

For fun, silly things - I need one very little USB speaker made to sit on a laptop table (these even come in little animal shapes and such - my volume is so low on my laptop during some movies that I can’t hear them), the no-touch soap dispenser from Wal-Mart, gothic or cute barrettes, super long earrings (almost to my shoulders for going out), pet toys, good stick on or screw in hooks for inside closet doors to hang up an outfit or a nightgown, and a bath pillow - and so on...you made it this far? (hehe)

Sincerely,

Rambling Wendy (throwing fluffy snowballs and petting the reindeer)

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”

O~~~~~~~~~ Birthday List ~~~~~~~~~~O

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.”

(1) Urban Decay Book of Shadows III (should be out nearing end of October!) --Sephora

(2) From Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab: The Shadowy and the Sublime and The Infernal Lover --online only (around 14-30 days to receive)

(3) Smashbox lip glosses Wish for the Perfect Pout kit (these come in limited colors that you can’t get normally and the entire kit is as much as usually one lip gloss is - really want!) --Sephora

(4) Desk Chair with back support for my artwork (would lloooovvvee a chair *like* mom’s blue leather chair - but mom isn’t giving me her chair - there has to be something out there that will work) - would prefer a used/flea market find - even if I have to recover it. I like the wheely ones (hehe)

(5) Bath Butters!! What I really really need (ok want…hehe) more than anything else on this list are some new bath butters (the jars of soft soap that you use in the bathtub - these feel so good on my skin when my skin literally hurts) Bobby made me fall in love with the ones from Julphia Soapworks, and she shut down her site - now I can’t find any as creamy (Bathed and Infused were too hard - so were the ones from Cleanse Your Soul - me complaining about hard things…hehe). I like them cool-whip consistency. My 2nd favorite is Lilypad Bathworks’ Bath Butter. She has three* new scent collections for Fall and Halloween that I’ve never tried *anything* from - I would love to try some from these collections (cough…Teenwitch….cough…it has bubblegum!) - and some of the tried but true from the other collections. Bob, if you can find a company that has creamy bath butter in a licorice scent - I would die on the spot - doesn’t have to be pure licorice just licorice as a note! --online only

Someone recommended Solstice Scents (you have to look at scent list and message seller and choose a fragrance - and she’ll make it to order)

Someone recommended Smokey Mountain Scents (in the seller’s profile - it will show all the scents that you can have made in the bath butters - you just message the seller, and she’ll make them!)

I go for a lot of vanilla, licorice, leather, patchouli, snow, marshmallow, and musk type scents now - sometimes I can’t smell the fruit or pure candy scents - so I avoid those.  I like the complex scents the most (the ones with more than one note)

As an aside, I'm dying to try just one product from Haus of Gloi (everyone has been loving their products!  Pretty please!)

(6) I want to start making jewelry with pendant push molds and stamps - I would love an assortment (adore mermaids too!) In order to use the stamps and pendant molds, I’ll need pendant holders to mount them into (may be able to find these locally or on EBay a lot cheaper!) Please please please on this one

(7) Etsy Necklaces - I love just the single pendant ones - bats, women, mermaids, spiders, skulls, gothic images J This is one that I love except for the cheap chains they always use.

(8) Stationary, Postcards, Stickers - you know what I like (grin)

(9) I really need warm nighties - K-Mart has Joe Boxer ones that are super cute (size 3X). Since I have a panty-monster hiding in my house somewhere (hee!), 22/24 from Lane Bryant and Size 3 (if stretchy) from Torrid. (Sign up for Torrid and you’ll get notice of a sale - there are always sales every few weeks - and coupon codes online for 10% off). I don’t need to replace sex panties (hee!) just everyday panties.

 

(10) There are some books on my Kaboodle that I really want and a couple of other things.

 

I made this list intentionally long, so I can be surprised  - and so there are tons of things to choose from!

 

Love,

Wendy

"I live at the end of a 5 and 1/2 minute hallway."

I have ran into so much selfishness this week that it's just unbelievable; I'm disappointed in humans in general - I hate to be disappointed in people. 

I have taken care of an alcoholic - my best friend - for 8 out of 14 years that I've been in contact with him. He was take to the hospital this week for black-outs. The physician told me:

"I don't know how he lived through the night. He is going to die. No one can live like that. Does he have someone in his family who can go to court and foce him into rehab?"

I told the physician that his family was not comfortable with force-committing him - which is true - and I respect their decision. His blood alcohol was .40 - that is death for most people. He's going to die, and I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. I sent an e-mail to his "nicer sister" letting her know that he was in the hospital and how bad that he is getting:


Hi,

“X” is at Baptist again and is on a hold. His manager called me at 9:00 a.m. to tell me “X” that was having a "diabetic episode" and blacking out - he told me that “X” was just looking at him blankly and was confusing things and didn't remember employee names. They called an ambulance, and “X” refused to go with the EMT's. An employee drove “X" to the ER. “X’s” sugar is fine (167) - he was still inebriated from the night before. Despite 15 days sober during community service, he started drinking the evening that he got home - 2 days ago and hasn't stopped.

The physician offered in-hospital rehab to which “X” will refuse. He asked me if there were any family members that could get a court order, so that “X” would be forced to stay in rehab - and I let the physician know that I've already given that option to his family members. “X’s” alcohol level was .40 - the physician was shocked that “X” had lived through the night, and he stated: “X” is going to die. “X” cannot live at that level of alcohol - especially now that he was sober for 2 weeks and is trying to drink as much as he did prior to stopping - without building up a tolerance.

He is going to lose his job and his life. The doctor told me that they were going to hold him in the Baptist ER until he reaches the legal limit of blood alcohol and told me it could take up to 8 hours - saying that there were no reason for me to be there - after sitting there for 3 1/2 hours and listening to “X’s” normal belligerence and "I'm leaving - where are my shoes?" and so on - my Fibro and IBS are going crazy - I had to come home to rest - I'm still fighting a migraine from 4 days ago. A family member can sign him out early today against medical advice. I will not sign him out. To reiterate, I had nothing to do with this - I was called at home while I was by myself - “X” was at work so drunk that he was blacking out and could not stand up - he apparently was so out of it that they called an ambulance to come to “his work place.” I did not speak with “X” last night other than to ask him to stop coming into my bedroom and waking me up; I've had a migraine and had already taken migraine medication and just needed to sleep to get rid of it. I can't physically, financially, or emotionally take care of “X” any longer; I don't have anything left.

Sincerely,

Wendy


I received an e-mail from the “other sister” stating the following:


(1) I am just trying to focus everything on myself.

(2) She has Fibromyalgia, and it doesn’t affect her life that much - so it shouldn’t affect mine.

(3) I told the physician that “X’s family does not care about him” - this is how she interpreted the conversation betwen the physician and myself.

(4) I am the reason that “X” is drinking; if he gets away from me - he will be fine.

(5) I am full of lies and am trying to pull scams on her - I have absolutely no idea what this means. I haven’t even talked to this sister for over a year, and that was just to tell her that “X” was in the hospital before - I have no idea what type of “scams” that I could have tried to pull off.


I was just shocked; she’s attacked me like this before - but, I had blocked her e-mail address, so she used another one. Instead of focusing on what we can do to help “X” - she focused the entire e-mail on bad-mouthing me. Anyone that knows me - knows that I am not this type of person. She has a close relative that is a drug addict - I would think that she would know better than to blame the caregiver for the addiction - her relative is an addict, because he’s an addict - she didn’t force him to do drugs - just like I don’t force “X” to drink. That was the first blow.

The second blow.  My migraine worsened, and it was soon accompanied by unbelievable nausea and up to 103 degree fevers. I cannot stop sweating and have no energy at all. “X” took me to the ER thankfully - I had asked him for 2 days to drive me, but I couldn’t find a time that he was sober, and my head was hurting too badly to drive. I caught him sober this morning. They decided with my fever and amount of head pain that a lumbar puncture would have to be done - this meant 3-4 hours flat on my back against my head (that was one of the areas that was hurting very badly - the back panel of my head). Thankfully, I was able to find my mom, brother, and sister in law. “X” told me that he was going to get some Burger King - they all were taking shifts, because I had to be there so long. I was stuck flat on my back on my head which was killing me, and we couldn’t get a nurse’s attention for pain medication until the 3 hours was up - not to mention ice chips or a room with a television (which they promised to move me to) - nor a pillow which was claimed after looking in one cabinet that a pillow couldn’t be found. I was in desperate pain at this point; the physician came in after 3.5 hours and indicated that I have some type of “unknown” virus and to go home and take Tylenol for the fevers - he ordered another injection of pain and nausea medication, so that I could sleep. “X” started being weird - grabbing all of my stuff and not understanding why they weren’t discharging me - it had only been 20 minutes and they were busy - I asked him over and over if I needed to check the car for alcohol when in reality I didn’t have the energy to check it. When I got home, I realized the puppy had made a huge mess everywhere - accidents and trash - and one of the litter boxes had been toppled - “X” told me to just go to bed - that he would get it. I woke up about 5 times in the next four hours - burning up and sweating - “X” kept going in and out of the house. I finally fell asleep until it was dark and woke up to the sound of someone falling over bottles - I heard “X” fall at least 3 times - I knew he was drunk. I called my brother and told him that I needed to check on “X,” since was obviously falling down drunk - but that I didn’t know if I could even get up - I finally checked on him and he is drunk - he also didn’t clean up anything that he promised to clean up. I am so shocked. I took a pill bottle out of my purse and realized that he had stolen $16 from me (he had stolen $20 two day’s ago) - when I’m really sick, I forget to hide my money. He stole money from me when I was in the hospital stuck on my back and in so much pain that I was crying out - he drank the second we got home and didn’t clean up anything or even fill up the pets’ water or food. My mom and I worked so hard cleaning the house last week - we cleaned the entire house and the outside area - it only has to be maintained - it takes about a half hour a day - and I was keeping up with it until the migraine hit.  I am so disappointed.

One of my best friends that I thought would be the person I would most need to talk to right now - I’m really scared - I haven’t felt this badly since my gallbladder failed in terms of pain level and I’m not used to super high fevers - also disappointed me. He took something out on me because he was annoyed with something else - I could hear it in his voice that was getting more and more irritated, and I knew from past experiences - that I needed to exit the situation. For some reason, I’m super-fragile right now - being afraid that you’re going to die and still being sick and not knowing what is wrong will do that to you - and he was still more focused on him and how he is “fragile” right now. People have just lost it.  If you have to see something to understand what someone is going through - that's a problem.  I've never had cancer; I've never had to live with one limb - but I can understand the difficulties, the sadness, the pain - I don't need to see it to empathize with it.  The third blow.

I understand the benefits of selfishness sometimes even though I think it’s more of self-preservation; I’ve known people that let others use them completely up - and they put their own life on hold - that needs a remedy - a bit of “selfishness” and taking care of one’s self. But, this lack of empathy - to not be able to put yourself in someone’s shoes about 6 hours in a hospital where two pain injections can’t take away the pain - and fevers/sweats/chills that won’t go away - and feeling so desperate because I’m up trying to feed dogs and fill water bowls and shaking and sweating - that is unreal to me. I hate when people that I really care about disappoint me.

The saving blow. Thank god for my mom, my brother, and sister-in-law - they were there the whole time and brought me a stuffed monkey, my mom got me a piece of make-up that I’ve wanted forever from Sephora and brought me cookies - most importantly, they all sat there and tried to make me laugh, tried to find nurses to get the pain under control, slipped me ice chips when they wouldn’t come in to tell me if I could have any for 2 and ½ hours - these are the people that love me, and it shows in every single action.  I belive these are the moments in which people show their true core - how they really are - and my family is beautiful - all the way through.  I don't know what I'd do without them. 

"Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts."

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how words that people use - things that people say to one another - how much impact those words have on someone’s life. These words can make you look back and laugh, cry, feel unbelievably hopeless, get a jolt of self confidence, change a relationship or friendship forever, feel wistful, make you blush - I don’t think most people understand the importance of what they say (and don’t say for that matter). Just a small sample of some of the most memorable sentiments expressed to me:

 

(1) Who I thought was the love of my life told me that he was going to go on outings with his ex-girlfriend - and that she was too uncomfortable with the idea of meeting me - so he would go out with her by himself and wouldn’t allow me to go while I was living with him.

(2) Someone told my brother when I was around 17 that he liked me and thought I was really cool - but that he would never date me because I was overweight - he said this in front of me.

(3) A family member threatened to kill me if I called the police for something that he was doing. I wasn’t really going to call the police. Hopefully, he really wasn’t going to kill me (hehe) This one actually makes me laugh now, because it was so ludicrous.

(4) Someone told me that I would be a wonderful person to be loved by and to love.

(5) My best friend in the entire world told me that she wasn’t the one that screwed up my life. This hurt me more than anything ever said to me in my life - I was very sick at this point - more so than now and things were falling apart all around me, and I was losing so much. I couldn’t believe that all of the accomplishments that I had thought were completed prior to this time were seemingly forgotten - and how just me as who I thought was a good person just wasn’t enough to overcome a “screwed” up situation.

(6) Someone that I had a crush on for the longest time told me (after he was no longer otherwise engaged) that he used to think about me during sex with his wife.

(7) Someone told me that having an illness - and being sick - isn’t my fault.

(8) Someone told me that having a person be nasty to me - or being verbally abusive - isn’t a reflection of me - it’s the speaker’s problem and mental abnormalities and deficiencies due to that person’s addiction.

(9) A family member told me that if someone physically hurt me to a certain point that he would then go to jail because he would kill said person . (hehe - his way of telling me that he loves me in a non-squishy way)

(10) A friend that continuously tells me that I’m a worthwhile person - and who told me that he was more than fond of me ;)

(11) Someone that told me that he was in love with me before he even met me.

(12) Someone who told me that he had a discussion with someone about opening your heart and home to another - and it occurred to him that he needed to do something “tangible” to show me that he wanted me in his life - so he told me (and later showed me) that he had made room in half of his walk-in closet for my belongings and clothing.

(13) Someone who told me that I was the best kisser ever.

(14) Someone who told me that I helped her feel better about herself and that she was glad that she met me and interacted with me.

(15) Someone who told me that I “put up lots of walls” when people try to get to know me - but that he was still trying - when a lot of people might give up - and that he wanted to get to know me - even past the walls.

I wish more people thought just a tiny second before they spoke - or thought about what they have said later.

 
So many memories - you can get lost in them if you let yourself.

"She knows the human heart and how to read the stars, now everything's about to fall apart."

I'm struggling with sadness today - I don't know what it is about snow - but it always makes me reflective and melancholy.  It seems even worse when the sun finally comes out and everything starts melting to often reveal the "ugliness" underneath the snow.  My last two cats that have FIP aren't doing very well. Little Girl will probably not make it past two more weeks, and Bolt, the little orange kitten, is getting weaker every day. The orange kitten, Bolt, has gorgeous eyes.  They are the most vibrant green-yellow and change colors depending on his mood and the light hitting them - even turning them a burnt orange color at times.  I see it in his eyes how much he wants to run around and play, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't have any energy and why his tummy hurts all the time, and I see the occasional flast of pain in his eyes. I don't know what to do. Little Girl is such a quirky cat - she always comes to the door like a dog would to greet everyone and has the sweetest cry when she wants attention, snaking through your legs in figure eights.  She was the mom to a few of my cats and is around 13 years old. She "takes care" of any babies brought into the house - when the two kittens were brought in, Bolt and Licorice, she took over and kept them warm and wouldn't leave their sides.  Bolt is maybe a year old; it's so hard to watch the other kitten that he grew up with grow and flourish - and he just keeps getting sicker. This is literally breaking my heart. I'm so attached to Bolt already; I lost an orange kitty a few years ago unexpectedly to a urinary blockage - he just died within 24 hours, so I have a soft spot for orange kitties. Bolt makes me smile - he has such a funny personality - he comes up under your chin and just looks at you and quickly rolls up into a ball. He hits the dogs to keep them in check. He has spunk and attitude, but he also loves to be held and will fall asleep in your arms. He always puts his paws over the tub ledge when I'm taking a bath, so that he can sample the water. I don't even put bubble bath in it anymore, so that he can continue his ritual. I'm having such a hard time with this - usually, with a cat, it's slightly unexpected when they get ill - I just look at the two that I know that I'm going to lose, and it kills me. 

I'm hoping with all of my being that these are the last two cats that I'll lose to this disease. It appears that Bolt was the carrier of FIP, and Little Girl was exposed and couldn't fight it.  FIP is transmitted in feces and saliva.  FIP is caused by a virus and can lead to an infection via feline coronavirus (FCOV) - one strain is non-fatal and one strain is almost always fatal.  Some cats exposed can fight the initial infection if they have a very strong immune system.  But, it is almost always fatal in young cats and geriatric cats - thus, the reason that "Biggie" passed away so quickly a few months ago and then "Cocoa" a month and a half ago.  Biggie and Cocoa were my oldest cats, and Cocoa had diabetes which I treated with insulin - so, her immune system was already compromised.  I don't ever want this to happen again - when I eventually have two cats - that is it - that's all that I'm keeping, and I'm not bringing any new kittens into the house. 

My car wouldn't start today - I guess because of the mechanical problem and because it sat too long, because I couldn't drive it during the bad weather.  It finally started and then stalled about 4 times. It's the only way that I have to get anywhere - the doctor, Walgreens - I would feel essentially trapped if Buddy can't figure out what is wrong with it soon. I need to find out who the Car Goddess is and offer to do her bidding or whatever she wants - hehe.

A lovely girl that purchased two of my fairy canvases sent *me* a care package. I miss the "Black Phoenix" communities so much; the people within them are so friendly and helpful - and consider everyone to be true friends rather than words on a screen. She lives in Taiwan and sent me Japanese treats - pink and purple rock candy, pieces of mint-flavored chocolate in the shape of and packaged like "Band-Aids," a hand-made Valentine's Day card - and various other fun items. It was such a surprise and literally made me tear up. It amazes me sometimes that people who have never met me can often be nicer and more considerate than the people around me. I wish people believed in kindness more. It comes to naturally to some people to be nice or try to spread kindness that it's embarrassing or hard to even go back and try to think of all the little things that one does that would be considered kind.  It's just a part of some people's personality - like sending little cards or gifts to someone to make that person smile, bringing home a treat or dinner to a friend to surprise that person, or doing an errand or cleaning up something so that another person doesn't have to do it.  I don't know what happened to kindness, but I don't see it very much anymore extended to anyone.

It's very difficult when someone sees your weaknesses.  I do everything I can to hide my weaknesses from most people - I don't like to seem less than strong at times.  I pride myself in being a strong person - I've made it through things that I never thought that I had the constitution to make it through; I've even surprised myself.  I don't like to be vulnerable.  It's at that point that someone can hurt you the most if that person so chooses - and it terrifies me, because other people in the past have taken advantage of those times.  It's a touching experience when someone is nice to me during one of these times - who tries to make me laugh and forget about whatever is going on - I'm eternally grateful to these people, although, I'll always still have that little catch when I realize that someone is going to see me in a situation where I'm not feeling well or where I'm upset - not knowing how the other person is going to respond.

I'm tired of the games that some people play.  I know how to play with words - how to flirt, but I don't see every interaction as a game.  I guess when I was younger - I used to think that - and I still like to win.  I like knowing that people who have hurt me in the past couldn't forget me or tried to come back into my life later - and I was the one with the upper hand at that point - and I'm usually not very forgiving.  I don't understand people that don't take chances - who don't just go for it - if there is something that person wants - be it a job, a person, an item, a goal - whatever it is that the person desires - why doesn't that person just go for it?  Most of the time just a few words can lead to the path toward what a person wants - one won't always get what that person wants but it's always worth a try.  Meeting a goal, finding a dream job, finding the right person - these events are life altering and can result in life-long happiness.  In the past, I was so worried about "being the winner" and not letting someone know how I felt about a certain person, that I would often lose what I wanted because that person didn't think that I cared - they would move on.  I'm getting better every day at saying the things that I want to say; I used to not say anything that I wanted to for fear of the response.  The few seconds of a potentially poor response or silent response to what I say is not worth suppressing what I think or what I want to say to others for the rest of my life.

I found this online:

"Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell the asshole what you feel. Let someone know what they are missing. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Live life!"

"I guess you could say I've changed, but you never really knew me in the first place."

I was shopping for groceries and a male probably about 10 years younger than me that worked at the store came over and told me that he loved my outfit. He told me that most people look the same and that I stood out in a good way (I had a black dress on and stripey tights and these super cute platform peep toe shoes that I found and caved on accidentally...hehe). He came back around when I was checking out and joked with the cashier about giving me a "special discount." I'm not very good at talking to strangers. If I'm on the phone, sending a message or e-mail, or in a club/bar type environment (i.e. drinking...hehe), then I'm pretty good at it - other times, not so much ;)

I wish I could fix things. I always envy people that have the types of minds that can see something malfunctioning and just naturally know how to fix it - or at least have an idea as to how to fix it. I see a legal issue or a problem with a company, and I know how to fix those types of issues. I can write one hell of a letter, but I can't even change a tire. I think you always envy the things that you can't do and sometimes forget all of the types of things that you can handle. I have to remind myself sometimes that there are things that I can do well. 

I've been thinking lately about having too many opinions versus not having any at all. I have very strong opinions in certain issues: discrimination in any form, racism, sizeism, sexism, sexual discrimination, and disability/handicapped discrimination. I abhor hunting - I understand the rationale easier if a person eats what he/she catches instead of using the animals' parts as trophies. I believe that too often the "system" that helps people who truly need aid is criticized based on the manipulative activities of a few examples rather looking at the system and the people within it who need assistance as a whole.  Too many people think that the government is just handing out money, which is not the case - the processes that one has to go through to receive assistance and the scrutiny is much more complicated than one criticizing it may understand. I believe in financial aid for people that need it, housing assistance, food assistance - and, above all, I believe that healthcare should be a right - not a privilege. No one should have to lose everything because he or she is sick - and no one should not be able to be treated for painful or terminal conditions because that person cannot afford health insurance. Further, I believe the people in need of assistance should have had access to medical care before it became a condition exacerbated to the point of an emergency when it could have been treated preventatively.  I hate when people criticize something, before they research it or have all the facts.  How can you have an opinion on something if you don't know what you're talking about?  I hate bad drivers. I hate when people can't put their phones down - especially in movies - if they text all throughout a movie - it's just insane. I can't stand when people think that their time is somehow more important than mine and cut in front of me in line or do something unethical to save them time. If someone treats me unfairly or hurts my feelings, I'm going to say something about it or just not talk to that person any longer until that person cares enough to ask me what he or she has done and/or makes amends. But, with the little things, I just don't care - I'm not picky about unimportant things. I don't get mad if plans are changed - I don't care about going to a certain restaurant versus one I would have chosen if someone wants to go - I don't care about what goes on a sandwich. I especially don't care if someone else is doing something for me or being hospitable - that is a gift in itself - I'm never going to care about the specificities if someone is doing something *for* me without even being asked. I learned a long time ago that there are so many "big" things that happen that one has to deal with that the little things - they just don't matter and aren't worth even worrying about for a second.

 

After talking to my ex-boyfriend regarding a personal item that he still has, I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want in another person that I'll get close to.

(1) He has to be nice to me - he doesn't have to be a pushover (in fact, that would bug me - I like someone that can stand up for himself) - and he can be mean to other people when they deserve it (hehe), be sarcastic, tease me sometimes - but he still basically has to be nice to me. It can't be something that he tries really hard to do - it just has to come naturally. I'm so tired of running into men that can pretend to be nice for a very long time - and who aren't very nice at all. I seem to attract these types of men, and I'd like to break the pattern.

(2) He has to make me laugh. If someone has a wicked or teasing grin and can make me laugh, this is an irresistible combination for me.

(3) He doesn't have to say the right things at all the right times - but he has to say something - tell me some of the things that he thinks about or allow me to get to know him. I don't need a super romantic person - but, I'd like for him to at least be romantic or thoughtful sometimes - even if the effort is entirely clumsy, it's the effort that still counts.

(4) I like someone that thinks about things - not all the time but enough so that he is more than what is on the surface.

(5) I like it when someone seems to be interested and attracted to me - when he wants to know things about my past and who I am and can't let me walk by without touching me or get close to me without thinking about touching me (hehe - this sounds bad - in perverted or platonic ways :o ) If I'm doing all of "getting to know someone" type things and initating physical contact, then things are never going to work out.

(6) I like men that are sexual - my mom tells me that as you get older that sex isn't as important :P It's not the first thing that I look for - but, I'd like it to be part of a relationship. I love to be kissed, love foreplay - and all that comes after it. I guess I'm not old enough to be tired of sex yet (hehe)

(7) I like people who aren't predictable and who like to be adventuresome sometimes (in the sense that he wants to try new things). I like to be surprised every so often. I love the unexpected. I think life should be full of surprises.

I'm treating myself, finally, to a Villainess "Smack" today.  It's a gentle moisturizing scrub - and you can choose up to 4 scents to layer out of 24 - I'm so excited - now I just have to watch the male...(err...mail) - hehe.  The 4 scents I've chosen are:

Unearthed: Dark, loamy dirt and touch of antique patchouli.

Vanilla Bean: Perfection. Vanilla, neither rich, boozy, artificial nor creamed.

Chocolate Mousse: Smooth pools of decadent dark chocolate.

Coconut Milk: Cool coconut cream.

We'll see how it turns out :D