"Her kisses left something to be desired...the rest of her."

I was going to keep one of my blogs purely private and just type about sexual things - but, god, I can't even keep up with one blog - let alone two. So, I'm importing the entries to this one :P

I'm more a "dirty" sex type girl, but it all really comes down to the kiss for me. If the intriguing...stomach dancing kiss isn't there - that's really as far as it's going with me. I think a kiss speaks volume about a person - both sexually and personality-wise. You can tell if someone is greedy sexually, if someone is always going to be taking control, if someone isn't comfortable with you taking control - a kiss speaks volumes if you pay attention. What makes a good kisser is totally subjective - I like:

(1) Someone that knows how much and when to use his/her tongue. Having someone's tongue in your mouth the entire time or too soon, just isn't erotic. I like to build up to that part, so that when it does happen - it's a surprise and that much more appealing. I like having someone pull my tongue into his/her mouth also - I like the whole "dance" with tongues. Things that fall into your lap (hehe) are never as appreciated as the things that you have to work for - sexually and non-sexually.

(2) Someone sucking on my bottom lip intermittently and me doing the same.

(3) Variety - I like to be the aggressor sometimes, controlling the kiss - other times, I like someone pushing toward me...taking over...sometimes I like soft and gentle kisses and other times I like fast "can't get enough" of someone's mouth kisses. I think it's all in paying attention to how the other person reacts. As things escalate, obviously, it's fun to experiment and turn up the heat to see what happens

(4) Hand involvement - hands in my hair - maybe gently pulling or just holding onto it, hands other places, hands on my neck, fingers sliding below an earlobe - hands and fingers are crucial to me even in the kiss.

(5) Taking time to stop and breathe and/or kissing other areas - I'm a sucker (no pun intended ) for someone that kisses or just breathes against the side of my neck or my earlobes. I love to feel someone's lips slide down my neck or up my neck before reaching my mouth again. I like just leaning my mouth near someone elses and talking softly or just breathing for a moment to see who gives in and starts the next kiss first.

The worst kissers ever:

(1) The guy that just stuck his tongue in and out and kept missing my mouth - I mean, come on, if you can't find someone's mouth, it's ok to open your eyes And, someone can't kiss you if you're keeping your tongue out the whole time.

(2) The guy without an upper lip that pushed too hard against my face. This guy had a really large bottom lip and very tiny upper lip and didn't realize that if he pushed so hard against my face that basically my mouth would almost end up in his mouth - this just wasn't fun. As a side note, I don't think you need "stereotypically" perfect lips to kiss well - just know how to use what you have

(3) The guy that had an urge to eat chili/onions, before he wanted to kiss me. This is first grade stuff - I'm not even going to type about this one - I don't want to relive it.

The best kissers:

(1) The 4th person I ever kissed was amazing. He could kiss for hours and just knew what he was doing. All of the variety was there - it never got boring. You could tell that he enjoyed kissing for kissing's sake - not just as a necessary prelude to sex.

(2) The most emotionally unstable guy that I couldn't figure out at all, was another amazing kisser. If only I had gotten to experience it more often ;) Ironically enough, this was basically all that ever happened even though we went out a few times. He had a lot of hang-ups - I'm not sure if the sex would have been good - so, when I think back, maybe this was a good thing that it didn't go further. We were evenly equipped mentally and it was a constant "back and forth" (hehe) verbally - like a battle - so when the kissing would start, it would continue this same way - alternating control - seeing who could "win." This rocked.

(3) The charming guy - this is the person you call when you want to feel good about yourself and when you want to kiss and just look at his face and smile. It's like going back to the familiar and you're comfortable with that. Excellent kisser - just slow and easy and faster when things would escalate. Humor and give and take. I'm not sure I believe everything that he ever said or says to me, because I'm sure how much of it is said just because he thinks that is what I want to hear - but, when I just don't worry about believing it and just take things for what they are - things are definitely good

(4) The girl Yeah, that one girl out of a few...she had the softest mouth and smelled amazing and had long, soft hair - she was the aggressive one because I was nervous - she had an evil grin and a slightly wicked expression in her eyes - she knew how sexy she was and I had to agree

I know I know...too much about kissing...but, really - I couldn't start with anal sex. Maybe I'll work my way down Things involving kissing still on my list of things to do:

(1) I'd love to kiss a guy and girl at the same time - just simultaneously moving our mouths over one another's and changing "partners" so to speak during the kisses.

(2) More kissing outside - I like public or near public displays of affection - they make me nervous and not so many things do anymore - I like being caught off-guard. I like excitement I like knowing that someone is attracted to me and not ashamed to show it to the world. I dated one man in the past that just pushed me up against my car (in the evening) in a parking lot and just went for it. That totally rocked too.

(3) Kissing a "stranger" or "near stranger." I'd love to be a club or in public and if some type of silent or near-silent interaction (such as dancing) led to a kiss...that would be most interesting. I've never kissed anyone that I didn't really know personality-wise. It wouldn't be something that I'd want to do all the time - but at least once (maybe twice...hehe)

On a side note, if you're having sex with someone - even just as a "sex-buddy" (oh, please, you know that you do this...), don't just stop kissing someone you kissed in the beginning. That's going to end it very quickly - no one likes being treated like a whore (excluding role play) even if you think of her as one for whatever interest it serves. Obviously, this doesn't apply to anyone you pay for sex (laugh).

On yet another side note, tongue-rings are awesome - I've always heard the tired "better for oral" sex thing - but, oh my god, they are so erotic during kissing. Who knew? To kiss someone and feel something in his/her mouth that isn't "supposed" to be there or that you didn't yet know was there is quite interesting.

"Sugar, I love the way your body talks..."

I'm probably going to have to sell my car in order to keep my house maintained and the mortgage paid until I go back to full-time work after I just find a way to conveniently lose my stomach. It's a 1998 with 96,000 miles. Don't waste my time - I know what it's worth; I know how many were made. It's an automatic with a removable top. If you have a serious offer, lay it on me :)

IF YOU MESSAGE ME OR SEND ME AN OFFLINE JUST TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW NICELY THAT MY LIPS WOULD FIT AROUND VARIOUS PARTS OF YOUR BODY, AND YOU DON'T EVEN TELL ME THIS IN A SEXY WAY - JUST DON'T WASTE THE FINGER ENERGY. I, however, can use my finger energy any way that I want (hehe). For the love of God, start with some type of INTERESTING OPENING. How hard is this?

My mom's husband made a really bad choice and gave her carte blanche via a phone conversation when we were out today to choose his Halloween costume. He's 10 years older than her and is almost 60. She got him a pimp suit (laugh) The suit is purple leopard with a leopard-patterned hat with a lime green feather sticking out of it. She got him a ring that reads "pimp" across the knuckles. He's a little more "adult" than her (and especially me) - so I bet he just died when he saw it. Of course, she's excited (b/c she's more like me that she wants to admit) because she gets to dress all slutty to be his "lady of the night." She got a short, pleated jean skirt, red gel to spike her hair straight up, super-high red stripper shoes with little patent bows on them, huge pink dangly heart earrings, a choker, and some bangles. Add some garish make-up and a corset - and bingo, you have a hooker (stereotypical, of course...I don't want to offend any hookers :o ) I get to do her make-up and let her borrow make-up - I'm not sure if I like what that says about me (laugh) I have brighter colors though; she usually wears neutrals. She teaches an art class and dresses up for Halloween that day, and, thankfully, is going to mute it down to a goth chick. I get to do her make-up for that too Love, love, love to put make-up on people. People underestimate the power of make-up - it can totally alter your face and give you confidence or make you feel like a different person for a night. I'm such an addict :P

I've decided to be a Graveyard fairy. What is a graveyard fairy, you ask? Why, I'll tell you, of course (hehe). I so love my blog - it can't talk back ;) It's a pink fairy costume with netted black wings, black corset tie-up in the front, faux leather ruching over the hips, and then netted pink material as the skirt. I bought pink eyelashes today, light pink haircolor (I'm just going to color the very ends of my hair), and tried to find some black fishnets. Of course, plus-size fishnets are impossible to find around here. I embarrassed myself in Dillards.

My mouth:

"Where are the plus-size black hose?" (pause, I'd like to say thoughtful pause, but no...)

"H-o-s-e, not h-o-e-s"

Yeah, I really said that (laugh) It just sounded so perverted after the question came out of my mouth. She laughed - so hopefully I didn't offend her - my mother gave me bad looks for awhile (grin). She did or said things to embarrass me throughout childhood - I think it's only fair that I get to do the same now :) We were in Home Depot the other day, and we were about to ask this salesman for help and a woman customer, an older woman, came up and just reached into the pouch around his waist (and, over his crotch for that matter) and grabbed his tape measure and said she needed it - proceeding to walk off with it with promises to return it.

My mouth:

"You should be glad that she was only looking for a tape measure."

Yeah, he followed us around trying to "pretend" to find something they didn't have in the store, while my mother shot me bad looks - I probably deserved it a little - but I just can't help it :) I don't think he got out an intelligible sentence the whole 7 minutes we were around him - I have to learn how to control my mouth around strangers I have some type of problem - over the years, I'm just losing the worry about what people think about me - I'm me - if you get offended, I certainly didn't do it on purpose - it was just something that I couldn't keep from going down that slide from my brain to my mouth.

I'm in a weird mood today. I painted all of my nails a baby pink instead of the usual black, navy blue, turquoise, or sparkly blue. I got a Halloween bag of lollipops (hey, these don't make me sick - I can add these to the list...woohoo :P) and wore ponytails today. Maybe it's the pink lacy panties that I was sporting today that put me in a hyper girlie mood (grin). Damn those evil panties

I've got all the equipment (hehe) to make my solid perfumes now to see what happens. I just was so tired tonight that I didn't feel inspired. I finally got my Black Phoenix perfumes from the website - my favorites actually ended up being "Hellcat" and "Voodoo." What scents are those, you ask? Why, I'll tell you, of course...(hehe)

Hellcat: A soft, sensual, luxuriant, blend with a wicked bite: hazelnut, buttercream, honey mead, rum and sweet almond.

Voodoo: A midnight scent, evoking images of flicking golden firelight reflecting off the sheen of glistening skin and the jerking shadows of bodies suffused with spirtual ecstasy. A deep, powerful, resonant blend of myrrh, patchouli, vetiver, lime, vanilla, pine, almond and clove. .

I'm a true believer in the theory that everything you do matters. I think every little thing you do or don't do sets off some other sequence in motion, and so on. Something I do today could affect someone across the world in a month. I wish people would take more responsiblity for the things that they do and the decisions that they make.

I thought I was being funny and gave a friend a mini-test of questions about me - like what-ifs in certain situations. He got me back by asking 10 harder questions. I'm totally avoiding them, just in case you're reading this - your questions are *so* much more difficult than mine :P I tried to choose things we had talked about - you didn't :P (laugh) I've decided that you're the devil

Why would someone that you used to be intimate with and talk to, who quit contacting you, contact you MONTHS LATER and tell you that now, he's decided that he wants to be in your life in some way? I had already let him into my life - he was the one that chose not to be in it. This just baffles me and lends even more credence to my theory that most people are just selfish and nuts in general. I refuse to spend more than 30% of this blog complaing - so I'll just quit now (hehe).

"Play it smart girl, win the game love..."

Note to self now that I can change my belly button ring:

(1) Don't use body pouf in shower or bath around stomach area. Yeah, that netted little pouf caught right on my belly ring and almost pulled it out.

(2) Don't try to change belly ring in the bathtub - searching around for a tiny ball that was dropped by slippery fingers is not my idea of a good time (hehe).

(3) Make sure the towel you use to dry off with doesn't have any frayed edges or loose strings. Oh yeah, that string caught hold and pulled at it harder than the body pouf did.

I swear I felt pressured to post a new blog, because I'm tired of people messaging telling me that they think that I'm pretty because they think the picture of Sara from America's Next Top Model is me. This annoys me on so many levels. Particularly, because it's obviously just a picture posted on a blog if you look further. No one is interested and/or bright enough to read one blog to figure out that the picture is just of a haircut that I like. Most people are just looking at a profile long enough to see your picture before that person messages you. And, yes, I'm not naive - but it's annoying to have *so* many people do this to me. On a side note, I just had 4-5 inches taken off my hair. It's already longer than shoulder length again. It's interesting - I haven't had a cut that I have to actually work with again, and it's long enough still to wear it up or put it in ponytails when I don't feel like fixing it. So, I'm happy for now.

I've been stomach sick for over four months. They think it's some type of gallbladder problem, but can only promise me a 30% chance of improvement if I have surgery. I'm in the process of getting a second opinion. This is my 6th day of feeling human again, so we'll see where it goes.

I don't understand why some doctors just can't admit when they don't know what is wrong with someone. I've noticed if some doctors get to the end of their knowledge base or to the end of the tests that they know to do, that they decide whatever is wrong with you is functional and is anxiety related. This is just crazy in some cases. Personally, I don't want to go to the doctor over and over, have invasive tests over and over, not be able to do things that I love to do, and spend a fortune on a million types of medicine in some type of prescription trial and error. My ENT is awesome - even though I don't have to see him anymore, because my tonsils have been taken out - he's one of those people that researches and really thinks about his patients - it's a puzzle to him. That's how law and almost everything that I can't figure out is to me. My gastroenterologist is the opposite. He kept forgetting which tests that I had already had performed, neglected to tell me that he was going on vacation for 12 days and not give me a doctor to see in the interim, and just has no drive whatsoever to find out what is wrong. I had already left my first gastro doctor, because he wouldn't listen to his patients when they would try to talk to him. How can you figure out what is wrong if you don't listen to your patients? It at least points you in a general direction or may give you a clue to figure out the puzzle. I watch that show on the health channel sometimes - "Mystery Diagnosis" - and that's happened to so many people. At least 35% of the people on the show telling his/her story end up figuring out what was wrong themselves - usually by researching the Internet.

I hate the show Elimidate. I don't know why I watch it sometimes when I can't sleep and am flipping through channels - it's like a bad accident or an operation televised on tv - I just have to watch it for a second. I just don't understand why the girls always attack one another or vice versa. It's so silly. I would never choose someone that has to attack someone to make herself/himself look more appealing. I'd choose the person that just acted like herself/himself. I can't see myself ever "fighting" for anyone regardless. If you have to fight that hard just to get someone to look at you in comparison to other people around - that person obviously isn't taken by you anyway.

Sara's picture isn't at the top now - my job is done.

"Hey pretty, don't you wanna take a ride with me? Through my world..."

I've decided that I'm too old for a puppy. I always tell everyone that I'm not going to be one of those "older" people that listens to music from 40 years ago and drives 25 m.p.h. on highway entrance ramps - because I don't want to get "old" in my mind - but, I've decided that I'm too old for a puppy (laugh). He's running around the room at 3:47 a.m. and chasing cats and picking up anything that he can find beneath my bed. He stole my skull necklace which must have fallen off my bed when I was umm...sleeping (yeah, that's it...grin) - I bought 3 necklaces on ebay to make up for the trauma and now I feel much better (hehe). I've got another sparkly skull necklace coming to make up for the one that he stole, a yellow and green dragon, and a pink sparkly spider.

By the way, that's Chester up above. The foster family that had took care of him until he was adopted named him Chester, because he always slept on their chests at night. He doesn't really do that anymore, but he follows me around everywhere and always sleeps next to me. He's my little ham with quite a wicked streak sometimes - he'll just be calm and all of a sudden get this look in his eyes and start turning over and over and then go after someone or some pet - anything he can do to start trouble ;) Maybe I like him so much, because he's so much like his owner (grin)

This weekend was full of ups and downs...(hehe - so I'm a perv...sue me). I got to dance, which I love, flirt with trouble, and hang out with a sexy man that always makes me smile. However, I drank, which was naughty naughty bad (grin)...it's really odd that I used to not be able to drink b/c it made me stomach sick but now anything I eat makes me stomach sick but I appear to be able to drink without too much discomfort. I think my body is inside out...or, is that outside in? Something like that...(grin)

The person...that person that always has driven me crazy not only is taken now...but also has a child...ouch. How can you see someone, and he doesn't mention that? He's obviously capable of something deeper and capable of affection - he just never wanted it with me. I wish sometimes that I could cut portions of my memory out.

I was thinking today that I don't know anyone that is very similar to me personality-wise. I don't know if this means that I'm nuts...or that I'm just not drawn to people that are similar to me. Most people don't understand me - I don't try to be this way this way on purpose; I just don't think that many people care anymore about getting to know someone deeply, intensely. It's more about just getting to know you physically. I'm very intrigued by certain people. If someone interests me, I like to get to know that person somewhat or it makes me insane. I don't need to know everything, because, then I'm going to get bored - but I have to be able to put some of the pieces together. I would like to talk to someone like myself - it would be fun to see if I drive people nuts when they talk to me which seems to be the consensus (grin).

Some of the women in my mom's art world want me to start some type of promotion for their art. It would probably have to be a website. I'm not sure if I can take this on or not - a little nervous. I know, ultimately, that I can do it - it's just a ton of time because I like something to be as perfect as I can get it. Is this marking the end of my legal career? I worry about that; I've always wanted to be an attorney. I'm good at what I can do - I can find a case or some type of argument to refute or support any contention. That's just what I do - researching is my forte. It comes in handy in other areas - but, I want to use it where I love to use it. I feel like this is marking some type of milestone in my life, and I'm not sure it's going in a direction that I want it to go. I know I have to take a detour for right now, because I have more off-days stomach-wise than on days - but it's making my mind twist, turn, and worry.

When I have to get out of my warm bed and get dressed at 8 a.m., it's going to hurt...

"I saw a fool just wasting time...not leaving anything real behind."

Weird day. I had to go to the ER Monday night. My roommate/best friend found me bawling from the pain, so he made me go. My blood pressure was 192/99, because of the pain - I don't think my blood pressure has ever been that high - no wonder I had a freaking headache too. I'm sick of going frankly. They always treat it differently. I received a Reglan and Pepcid injection and the infamous G.I. cocktail. I felt better actually; I fell asleep for 2 hours there. The Reglan is the evil medicine with the scary side effects that everyone wants me to take. I took one today; I don't really notice a difference yet. I felt pretty bad today.

On a lighter and happier note, I totally sold one of my mom's paintings off of her website for $1080 (we gave the women a discount since we wouldn't have to take out 40% gallery fees). Very excited - not only do I get a large cut of this amount, this was sold to someone overseas so now I can add to my mom's bio that she has sold paintings internationally in addition to nationally and locally. I never miss a plug to my mom's website - she's awesome: www.amyhillimler.com. We're trying to break into ebay to see what happens. I have one of her paintings listed right now, and we're going to try some collages at a low price for the holidays and see what happens. It looks like I'm becoming her business manager. At least my brain is being put to some use while my doctors don't lose any sleep for why my stomach hurts and my stomach acid is going crazy 24/7.

I have a new puppy. Like I needed a new pet (hehe...no, I don't mean it that way - I live in a freaking zoo without bars). My roommate rescued a puppy and brought him home - he's part chow. He appears to be fairly smart but wakes me up around 6:00 a.m. by pulling my hair with his teeth and biting my ears (the puppy not my roommate ). The little freak has SIX toes on each of his back paws. It's so gross - when he sleeps on his side he stretches out all of his toes and I just can't look at it...(laugh) He has been named "Six" accordingly

I've decided that I'm really sick of cowards. I can't stand people that can't or won't own up to things that they've done in the past. If you've done something cruel or indifferent and you want to come back around the person you've been cruel or indifferent to, just own up to it - say you're sorry - acknowledge it. You can't fix everything bad you've done in your life, but at least you can ADMIT to it or the fact that it happened. Cowards are the most patethic creatures in the world.

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy - I tried so hard not to - already hooked. The last show where the main character kept being described as "dark and twisty" inside made me think. I suppose I do have a "dark and twisty" side - that's not all that I am, but it's a side that people don't usually try to discover or pay attention to. I'm sure most people have some part of their personality or past that is like this - no idea.

I'm *so* addicted to a cult perfume oil company that I hadn't heard of until recently. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab has "dark" perfume oils that are a little wicked and have myths/stories to go along with almost every perfume. Some are shorter descriptions; some are lengthier legends. If you're a chickie, I'd really recommend these - they are perfume oils and just awesome. They actually do have unisex scents, such as scents that are more "smoke and fire" based. When you first put one on, it will smell one way and you can come back and smell your wrist (or, wherever you put it...hehe) later, and the scent has slightly altered itself because of your particular body chemistry. They last *forever* - I've put some on in the afternoon, and the next morning I could still smell it on me even after a bath. The Lab is madly popular, so orders are taking up to a month to ship out since each oil is made when ordered. I'm going crazy waiting (what the hell is patience anyway?). I've ordered some off of ebay, because I'm so impatient (grin) My favorite so far is 13 which is a mixure of basically mandarin and white chocolate. The description for this one is as follows (and, of course, is borrowed from the website, so I'll plug them too....this is starting to sound dirty....hehe. www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com )

Thirteen:

In our paean to all the mysteries surrounding this enigmatic number, there are thirteen lucky and unlucky components, including white chocolate, tangerine, currant, mandarin, white tea and iris.

13 is significant, whether you consider it lucky, unlucky or just plain odd. Many believe it to be unfortunate…

… because there were 13 present at the Last Supper.
… Loki crashed a party of 12 at Valhalla, which ended in Baldur’s death.
… Oinomaos killed 13 of Hippodamia’s suitors before Pelops finally, in his own shady way, defeated the jealous king.
… In ancient Rome, Hecate’s witches gathered in groups of 12, the Goddess herself being the 13th in the coven.

Concern over the number thirteen echoes back beyond the Christian era. Line 13 was omitted form the Code of Hammurabi.

The shivers over Friday the 13th also have some interesting origins:

… Christ was allegedly crucified on Friday the 13th.
… On Friday, October 13, 1307, King Philip IV of France ordered the arrests of Jaques de Molay, Grand Master of the Knights Templar, and sixty of his senior knights.
… In British custom, hangings were held on Fridays, and there were 13 steps on the gallows leading to the noose.

To combat the superstition, Robert Ingersoll and the Thirteen Club held thirteen-men dinners during the 19th Century. Successful? Hardly. The number still invokes trepidation to this day. A recent whimsical little serial killer study showed that the following murderers all have names that total thirteen letters:

Theodore Bundy
Jeffrey Dahmer
Albert De Salvo
John Wayne Gacy

And, with a little stretch of the imagination, you can also fit ‘Jack the Ripper’ and ‘Charles Manson’ into that equation.

More current-era paranoia: modern schoolchildren stop their memorization of the multiplication tables at 12. There were 13 Plutonium slugs in the atomic bomb that was dropped on Nagasaki. Apollo 13 wasn’t exactly the most successful space mission. All of these are things that modern triskaidekaphobes point to when justifying their fears.

For some, 13 is an extremely fortuitous and auspicious number…

… In Jewish tradition, God has 13 Attributes of Mercy. Also, there were 13 tribes of Israel, 13 principles of Jewish faith, and 13 is considered the age of maturity.
… The ancient Egyptians believed that there were 12 stages of spiritual achievement in this lifetime, and a 13th beyond death.
… The word for thirteen, in Chinese, sounds much like the word which means "must be alive".

Thirteen, whether you love it or loathe it, is a pretty cool number all around.

… In some theories of relativity, there are 13 dimensions.
… It is a prime number, lucky number, star number, Wilson Prime, and Fibonacci number.
… There are 13 Archimedean solids.

AND…
… There were 13 original colonies when the United States were founded.

Says a lot about the US, doesn’t it?

In our paean to all the mysteries surrounding this enigmatic number, there are thirteen lucky and unlucky components, including white chocolate, tangerine, currant, mandarin, white tea and iris.

I'm most excited about getting these 2 scents:

Gluttony (oh, leave me alone...laugh): Thick, sugared and bloated with sweetness. Dark chocolate, vanilla, buttercream, and hops with pralines, hazelnut, toffee and caramel.

Jailbait (I'm not...don't ask :P): Innocence defiled. Sticky pink bubblegum and the thick, sweet scent of orange and cherry lollipops smeared over a breath of heady womanly perfume.

I need to make the second one my theme song or something (hehe). That pretty much sums me up on most days

I'm going to try my hand at making my own perfume oils and solid perfumes. My mom purchased a book for me, and I've ordered the carrier oils and beeswax and some essential oils. We'll see what happens

The Black Phoenix oils have to be stored in a dark, cold place, and since I can't store them in the hearts of some people that I've known in the past, I'm painting an old, wooden, antique silverware box that my mom gave me to store them in. It's going to be an antiqued beige with a dragon painted on it, I believe. I may add a woman either holding a chained dragon or a woman riding a flying dragon. Stay tuned (grin).

"You came near to me and you endeared to me but you couldn't quite discern me."

Why do some people always assume that they can get away with anything and that they are smarter than others? I don't mind someone thinking he/she is smarter than I am if he/she truly is - but it just kills me when someone tries to pacify me with made-up stories. That just doesn't work with me. I giggle a lot and can turn any subject (yes, any subject...test me if you must) into something perverted, but I am not stupid. I'm not a naive person anymore that just believes anything that someone tells me. If you've done something wrong to someone, just admit it - a smart person is going to respect you so much more for doing so. Life is too short to make up lies and play games (unless they involve toys and/or other naked people - the game part not the lying part...laugh) :P

I drank tonight - I shouldn't have - I have a headache now and it's totally my fault. This person...this person that was probably the 4th person that I ever truly fell for - who didn't choose me - who chose to become entangled with someone else - he just keeps coming back into my life. He kept coming by tonight, but I just never ran into him. How do you forget someone if he keeps coming back in your life? Entangled with a capital "E." I hate that there is at least one person that I can't say "no" to - I can say no to *anyone* and not feel bad about it. Why can't I just say no to this person and then go through the process of just forgetting this person? I swear I have some part of my brain that is missing.

Tonight was odd - all of these people coming back from my past - it made me think of past relationships or interactions and no matter how all of them ended up - I at least got *something* out of each one. (And, yes, I'm going to bore you with my life lessons...feel free to stop reading now...and you can't say later that I didn't warn you.)

1st - I learned with him that there are things that you can say that can never be taken back - you can apologize for them endlessly but the other person will always remember what was said - it tears at your soul. If you know someone really well, you not only know how to make that person happy better than anyone else - you also know how to hurt that person more than anyone else. A hard trade-off. My first relationship also killed my "trust someone until he/she gives you a reason not to" philosophy. I start out with zero trust now and wait until the person shows that he/she is trustworthy.

2nd - Living with an alcoholic hurts you as much as the alcoholic is hurting himself. This one almost did me in emotion-wise. People that want to keep drinking will do anything to continue - lie, fight, break things, break you - whatever he can to make sure he can keep buying alcohol and keep drinking alcohol. This isn't a fate that I would wish on anyone. This one taught me to doubt more things that come out of someone's mouth or look for an addiction and/or untrustworthy motivation that led that person to say what he said - a lot of things should be examined further and not taken at face value - even with someone you trust. I don't like being duped just because I loved someone. Alcohol irrevocably changes someone - you'll get pieces of that person back eventually but never the full person. He lost years of his life that he'll never get back and never remember. He disappointed me so many times and said so many things that I'll never forget. The price you pay for being the sober one.

3rd - Some non-verbal kissing tips and never trust anything someone says in the pursuit of sex ;)

4th - Some people you fall for just don't fall for you in return.

5th - I learned from this one that sometimes a person is the perfect person for you...just not at that moment. As you get older (ugh), you can tell when someone hasn't gone through some of the trials that you've gone through. No matter how intelligent that person is - he just doesn't understand and you just can't explain it to him. This has happened a few times and it really saddens me - I'll talk to someone for awhile and be attracted to that person but eventually come to the realization that the person would be perfect for me but only if that person had been through "x" many more years of life.

6th - The One that drives me insane. The One that didn't choose me but still comes around me. In all fairness, this person probably didn't realize that I was an option. But, would he have "chosen" me if I was a viable option? I'm not sure what I've learned from this one yet, and I'm not sure I want to analyze it - this one is still raw even after years of passing time.

7th - I got a song from this one - a song that I may have never found on my own but that touches me. I also had the opportunity to watch someone that wasn't for me at one point grow and then become a person that I could be with - this one didn't work out - I'm not sure what I did wrong. I don't think this person was as serious as he led me to believe about being with me. I fought this one almost the whole time and then gave in and ended up being hurt anyway.

There were other interactions in between...mostly just a lot of sordid, sexual ones and interactions that I have no idea how they will end up or where they will go (hehe). My head hurts, my heart hurts...I'll tackle the sordid another time.

"You make me sick...you wanna lick my wounds, don't you baby?"

I'm such a pervert. I'm in yet another battle to get another Internet provider, since Comcast will not replace my cable line no matter how many phone calls and letters that I write to the corporate office. They have decided that it has been fixed, since nothing is showing in error on their end. All you have to do is try to use my home phone for 5 minutes (I have Vonage so it uses the cable line) or try to use Yahoo or continuously flip through webpages for a few minutes, and you can sit here and watch it connect and reconnect over and over. I've switched to AT&T DSL and phone service, and they have already tried to make an appointment to come and install my new lines twice - it's been over 2 weeks. Now, Vonage will not transfer my number with any type of expediency. I've sent 3 e-mails to Vonage - have made 5 phone calls and now I'm told that they will expedite it; however, the department that promises to expedite the number transfer doesn't have a "dedicated" number that the public can call back on Please, I know this game. So, I have to go through 10 grueling minutes of customer service automated choices and explaining the same problem again to a first level phone operator every time that I want to contact them. What a nightmare. Good lord, I just want to play spades online again sometimes (when it disconnects - I get bumped out of rated games over and over and it's killing my ratings, and I never get to finish a game).

Wow, I got so caught up that I forgot why I'm a pervert today ;) I had to read a number/letter combination that AT&T has assigned to my phone number to check on the status on the transfer - and I swear, some of the letters were the letters that can sound too similar to another letter, like "n" or "p" - I had to stop myself like 3 times from giving *awful* words to distinguish the letters. I used to do this to make my family laugh - like p as in penis and n as in nut, etc (I know, I have a stereotypical 18 year old male's mind in my body - it's very sad). She finally saved me and started repeating "n" as in Nancy (OH, yeah - nancy... :P ). It's funny that a phone call to a telephone company can make you realize how much of a pervert you are - and not the inordinate amount of sex that you've been having lately (and, yes...that was just an example...grin).

I'm amusing myself by ordering free samples on the Internet. I ordered my brother a tampon sample to be funny.

I was thinking today that it's so odd how some men treat curvier or fuller-figured women - or, how people treat them in general. We don't feel any different on the inside (no pun intended...hehe) - I don't wake up and walk around and just feel different than anyone else until someone else does or says something to make me feel different or until I see the way someone overweight is portrayed (or the absence of a portrayal) in the media or on tv. We still feel sexy - we still have skills - we still like to dance, dress provocatively on occasion. If people didn't treat overweight people differently, we wouldn't have to deal with near as many hang-ups about it that we do. I don't worry about it as much anymore. My stomach is so screwed up all the time, that as long as I'm feeling well - it's a good day and I'm happy with myself. I'm certainly not giving up naughty lingerie, low-cut evening clothes, dancing, figuring out how many household chores that I can get away with doing nude, etc...(grin)

I was thinking last night as I drafted a modification to a will, a codicil, for one of my mom's relatives that I had just made as much in an hour that I did working all day at my previous firm, since I was salaried. That's pretty sad. I wish I had more courtroom experience; I would just open an office on my own. If only I could find someone that wanted to do all courtroom work, then I would happily do all of the phone calls/research/writing, etc - it would be a perfect match.

I've learned many things from selling things on ebay - I've been selling my clothing that is too big now or that I just don't wear anymore. People are just freaking nuts. And, yes, I already knew this - but I just didn't realize how many people are, indeed, nuts. I make my descriptions *very* brief w/only the necessary information. People ask me things that are right there in front of them - such as, what is the waist measurement? I've been asked what shipping to Canada will be on an item - there's a *shipping calculator* right there on the page - so I have to calculate it for Canada on my page and send the amount back. This is just insane - this isn't even nuts - this is just not paying attention to the details. I don't think enough people realize how important the DETAILS are in everything you do, from work to being a good lover.

Speaking of details, I do owe a special thank you - sorry that I misjudged you - to someone that has been very sweet to me lately and has talked to me when I'm not making any sense, not feeling well, or when I'm being my normal, obnoxious, talking a mile a minute, seeing how many innuendos that I can fit into a sentence self. I have to remember to put good things about people in my blogs - instead of just bad things - this one is considered canceled out now (teasing grin).

I haven't typed for awhile and my hand is feeling numb - god forbid that I damage my right hand