I am in the 8th hour of the most amazing migraine headache. I haven't had a migraine for probably 3 years. The last time I had one it took a couple of days short of a month to get rid of and three emergency room visits. The last visit they finally decided to give me a spinal tap to make sure that there wasn't a bleed in my brain, since my headace wasn't responding to any type of medication. I'll never forget that for two reasons. One, it was my birthday. Two, the nurse told me if I couldn't hold it for four hours which is the amount of time that you have to lay still for 4 hours after the procedure that she would have to run a catheter. My family doctor finally figured out that my migraine was caused by severe indigestion (big surprise), and that if I could get my stomach under control, which was really hard to do because the stomach problem would trigger the migraine and then the migraine would make me nauseous and in more stomach distress, that I could get my migraine under control. I've taken an amazing amount of medication today trying to fight this thing, including 2 Vicodin which I am prescribed for severe stomach cramping; yet, it's still here. I keep playing Family Feud which I don't remember sucking at so much as I apparently do. Some of the questions are phrased funny or I'll type an answer and it's just using a different word so the computer doesn't recognize it - it's pissing me off. I'm trying to keep my brain distracted, since it's typically my worst enemy. If I can't beat this with the next round of pain killers, I'm going to have to try to rouse my roommate (which is going to be impossible since he was drinking with his friend and is passed out cold) or call my brother 15 times until he hears the phone and make him take me to the ER. I am not going by myself. I just keep feeling the pressure like my brain is just going to explode. I used to have a friend that had migraines so bad, that he would throw up immediately and then pass out about 30 minutes into them and sleep for hours. He told me that he had to pull over on the side of the road one time in his car. That would scare the hell out of me but at least you would get to sleep through the majority of the pain.
One of my friends knocked tonight, but I made my roommate answer and tell him that I wasn't here. I've had wet washcloths on my head all night, and my hair, thus, is all curly, and I look scary. I didn't want to face anyone tonight. You know I don't feel well if I can't even get make-up on. I'm a make-up junkie; I love to play with the colors and use different techniques to slightly alter the features of my face or others' faces. I need more make-up modeling dummies around. I used to get excited when I was younger, and my brother and his friends would choose that year to dress up as women for Halloween. I would get to do all of their make-up and hair. Although, one of the last years that they did this they all decided to keep their facial hair which was really disgusting. It's not as much fun to try to put make-up over facial hair. Plus, we went out to eat at Outback and hardly anyone, except for the staff, were dressed up - so everyone kept laughing at us and/or trying not to look in the direction of our table.
I tried shopping for awhile to distract myself. I purchased two perfume samples. One is a mixture of vanilla, mango, musk, and berry and sounds really interesting. The other is a perfume that I used to own a long time ago. I also got a sparkly, skull necklace. I really wanted the pink one, but I kept getting outbid on it. I finally just settled on the one with clear crystals. I saw "Ice Age 2" this week which was really cute; although, there were a lot more religious references than in the original Ice Age which I found surprising. Most notably, there was a play on Noah's Ark when the animals were trying to travel to the "big boat" before the ice melted which was really a huge, old half of a tree that resembled a large piece of driftwood. I love animated movies that have that mixture of slapstick humor, to appeal to children or the "child" in adults, and the adult innuendos to appeal to an older audience.
I saw "Proof" earlier in the week too which was one of those make you think movies. I usually don't watch movies that I know are going to be sad, but every time I was at Blockbuster it was always rented - all of them - so it piqued my curiousity (how I get into trouble every single time). It made some reference to a saying that I have heard before how people that are truly crazy don't ever stop to question whether they are indeed crazy. Everyone has those few, maybe one, moment(s) in his or her life where something surreal is occurring or where things just don't feel quite right, and you question your sanity - maybe only for a split second. I hope this theory is the case, because I've had a few moments like that. Mainly, when I first went through the diagnosis for my IBS (b/c I was so sick and no one could tell me why and I knew that my family thought that it was all in my head b/c there really aren't a lot of physical symptoms that one can see). I've noticed that's often a problem in the health care field also. Some doctors seem to always treat you more compassionately if you are bleeding or have something broken versus when you are suffering from something internal that you have to describe. Maybe it's some element of distruct in the patients. I also always hear that definition of crazy being if you do the same thing over and over and expect different results. I've thought about this a lot, because I do make the same mistakes over sometimes. But, this is mainly with people and not static situations. I trust people that I shouldn't, but each person isn't the same, so I don't think that this fits the idea of the theory. Either way, I'm covered under the crazy exclusion under the first theory (grin).
I had a friend message me earlier in the week and immediately start making sexual references and not subtlely hinting that he wanted to come over. I directly (yes, I was direct...shocking) told him that I wasn't feeling well so I was just going to rest that night. He started telling me that he could make my stomach feel better. Umm...I love sex, but that is not going to make my stomach feel better. Jostling around just never works. I really got mad, but my doctor has given me a new anti-spasmodic medication for stomach cramping and it appears to act as a sedative too, and even though the typical desire to tell him off was still present - I just didn't have the desire to put all that energy into something that wasn't worth it. I told him thanks for his concern and added him to the legions in my ignore list. I logged on the next morning - I had trouble sleeping, visibly for about 2 seconds, and he had the gall to message me and ask me if I wanted some morning entertainment. I mean, what the hell is wrong with people. (It may be helpful to note that my ignore function does not work for some reason. Even though I clear my list out so there is room for more periodically, if I put someone on ignore, the next time that I log in - that person isn't on ignore any longer). It's very frustrating.
I ran into an older friend this past weekend while I was out. I never thought I'd see him again. He's an amazing kisser, and even further makes me wonder what has happened to all of the good kissers. My mouth is typically soft (yes, even with all the trash that I talk...laugh) and his is soft - and it's an interesting combination. I'm getting tingles just thinking about it.
One of my cats ran over my bare back for some reason and scratched me. I still feel the headache but my back is burning too and taking some of the focus off of my head. It reminds me of Major Payne where he "gives them a little something to take their minds off that pain" and proceeds to twist their finger in painful ways. And, yes, I'm done now - aren't you glad? Maybe I'll come back and fix all the grammatical mistakes that are threading through this blog (codeine makes your mind fuzzy) later.
I finally got to Memphis for more than a day - things just kept happening every day that I tried to go. I've indulged in retail therapy, and I feel much better :) I bought mostly "going out" clothes. I went down a size in clothing when I was healing from my tonsillectomy, and I had replaced my casual clothing but hadn't replaced my going out clothing. My mom promised to help me replace my work wardrobe when/if I ever get employed again, so I just focused on buying naughty and "up to something" clothing (laugh). One of the dresses that I bought is really cute. It's black and has four assymetrical layers of the skirt that have ruffles - one of the ruffles ends right before my butt so it makes it look like I actually have a bigger one than I do. Works for me - my top half is my more endowed half ;) Usually I don't notice when men are checking out my rack but my roommate and I stopped at Walgreens before going out to dinner with some friends and family, and I finally caught someone doing it. He was checking out our items and just not really paying attention to customers and looked up and just stared at my cleavage (did I mention that the dress is really low cut also? laugh). He actually stopped what he was saying for a minute and almost dropped 2 items (hehe). This hardly ever happens to me, because I have a few features that are likeable, but I'm not really someone one would just look at in public and be automatically attracted to (the stereotypical person). I'm more of a "once you get to know me and talk to me" then you're attracted type of girl. My roommate and I went to a party/club later, and a woman in the restroom told me that she had seen me come in and that she thought that I was beautiful. I swear to God I'm wearing this dress everywhere from now on (laugh). She caught me off guard, and I told her that I thought she was beautiful also (which she was) ;) It's fairly difficult to render me speechless (as you can tell), but it does happen occasionally (grin).
Dinner was much more entertaining than anticipated. The waiter was legitimately funny (not one of those people that just thinks that he/she is funny) and kept cracking jokes. He came to the table once and apologized for taking a few minutes but said that he had to change his shirt because a customer spilled sour cream all over it. I told him to be glad that it wasn't his pants. (I swear to god that for once that I did not mean this in a perverted way at all....laugh...really) Apparently, it was taken in the perverted way. Did I mention that I still can't keep myself from blushing when I say something awful or accidentally awful?
(Ok, so you know I'm leaving all *kinds* of details out about the party/club that I went to...I'm not sure how much of it that I want to admit yet...laugh...and, yes, I sincerely was perfectly behaved).
I had to fill out some forms (insurance, tax form) for the writing position that I am in the running for, and I really don't think that was fair. The insurance form wasn't like a typical employee policy for large employers where you really don't have to fill out a lot of personal information about the medication you take or any ailments that have been treated for in the past. I had to list any medications I'm taking and list everything that I've been to a physician for in the past 2 years. This bothers me. I would hate to think that a hiring decision would be made based on the insurance form. One, I've struggled with anxiety problems in the past specifically during situations where my IBS had acted up and no one could tell me how to make it any better. I had to list this on the form. Two, the insurance company was one of the companies that had denied me insurance in the past because of pre-existing conditions - namely, IBS and borderline blood pressure. So, obviously, the owner of this agency is probably going to have to pay more for my insurance than the other candidate for the position. I'll never know if this factored into the decision (which it shouldn't be a factor).
If I'm interacting with someone and building some sort of friendship (even a casual one), I will talk to that person about anything and encourage that person to do the same. There is no way that the interaction is going to develop into anything or encourage trustworthiness if you can't feel like you can really talk to that person. I actually had someone be rude to me, because that person didn't want me to talk about certain subjects in his prescence. That has never happened to me before. I've never had anyone just stop me mid-conversation and flat out tell me that he didn't care about what I was saying at that point in time. Some people just confuse the hell out of me. I wish I was psychic.
My belly button piercing had almost healed enough to allow me to change the jewelry and then it got red and swollen again and showed some signs of infection. I have to take evil antibiotics for 7 days now.
There is a bird outside of my bedroom windows that makes noises constantly *all* night. I think the bird has accidentally gotten onto my schedule. I usually don't notice any type of noise; my house is always noisy. It's driving me nuts.
Why do you look at someone that you see out - or see a picture of a person sometimes and think that person is at least five years older than you and then find out that the person is the same age as you? Do I just not see myself as I really am? Has that person just been harder on his or her body than I have been? I've seen pictures of myself; I can look at myself in the mirror. I realize that my face has changed and that I'm getting older. I look at my hands sometimes and see my grandmother's hands for a split second and it scares the hell out of me. I still get carded; I typically get pegged for around 27. I think age is mostly conception regardless. Your age can seem so different depending on the way that you dress and the way that you act. If only getting older wasn't connected to that whole pesky death thing.
I'm in a rotten mood. My tattoo is itching and drove me crazy half of last night. I accidentally scratched the tail of the dragon because I didn't realize how low it was - I looked at it under the light and it doesn't appear that I damaged it. My roommate keeps telling me to slap it to get the itchiness out; I feel like a moron slapping my leg. My belly button is red; a piercing shop told me to use salt water on it. I also feel like a moron with a cup of salt water suctioned onto my stomach. The original person that pierced it told me not to use salt water; the salt water appears to be helping so I'm going to keep doing it. Tomorrow is the last day of my 7 day bath ban because of my tattoo. I think that's one of the reasons that I'm in such a bad mood. Baths relax me. There are very few activities that truly shut off my brain - some more than others - hot bubble baths, sex, and listening to music. I had a second job interview for the non-attorney position today. It was a lunch interview; I detest lunch interviews. An interview is bad enough, but then you add in all the variables like trying to eat something that you won't make a mess with or get stuck in your teeth. Plus, the whole maintaining eye contact with the interviewer while you're trying to down enough of the lunch, so that you don't seem ungrateful. I get nervous anyway, and this just makes it worse and increases the chance that I'll say something stupid. I'm told it's down to me and one other person. If this follows the pattern of the rest of my life, it will mean that I won't get the job. It's so hard to stay focused and positive about finding a job when you're having a hard time finding another. I just can't stay enthused with that "go get it" attitude for this long. I feel worthless most of the time with respect to my career. I'm 33 years old; I should be much further along career-wise than I am currently. I always feel like I'm lagging behind. I'm just sitting around losing time. I hate that feeling. I should be painting. The minute that I get a job I'll long to have time to paint again, and I had all this time and only painted maybe 10 days total. I don't know what's wrong with me lately; I just need to get my enthusiasm back.
A person that I was intimately involved with for a few months that I had fallen out of touch with called the other day. I'm not calling him back. He made up some excuse that he discontinued his Internet service for why I haven't heard from him in so long. Anyone can call and leave a phone message; he has both of my phone numbers. He has my address. Was he out of stamps? Did his phone break? Why can't people just tell the fucking truth? I'm so sick of lies and excuses. Just admit it - you found someone else to hang out with - you pursued someone else and it didn't work out - someone that lived 10 minutes away from you instead of 3 hours. This was the first person that I ever tried to pursue a relationship with that lived further than 20 minute away. I thought he was worth it. I already was over this and expected not to ever hear from him again months ago. I've already dealt with this in my mind. One of the rare people that talked to me instead of just wanting to have sex. I'm really just tired of people that only want to have sex with me. I need the mental stimulaton as well as the physical or the physical is just lacking. You can always find someone to have sex with if you're a female. It's like pulling teeth to find someone that wants to talk to you as well as get you naked. I don't trust many people regardless, but I trust people even less when that person just seems to be too good to be true. I don't like when people just tell me what that person thinks I want to hear. I want to hear what is really true. If you're looking for someone to have sex with - fine - just tell me that. If you're looking for someone to casually date and maybe have sex if things lean that way - fine - just tell me that. There just isn't any way to get to know someone if that person isn't being honest, and I think it's wholly unfair to not tell someone the truth about what you're looking for - that person bases his/her expectations on what you're willing to offer. If I choose to interact with someone, I take what that person has to offer. If you lie about what you want or don't want, the other person is in the dark.
I had to find my birth certificate today and ran across some pictures that I didn't realize that I had of my cat that died from cancer the day after Christmas. I miss her so much; her name was Kismet and she always would stay with me when I didn't feel well. She hated everyone else, but if my stomach was hurting or I was in pain, she would be next to me in under 5 minutes. She just innately knew.
I swear to god that if I wasn't going to work in the legal or writing field that I would color my hair pink. I should have gotten an art degree.
I can't believe that I got a second tattoo...the colors came out really well though; it was almost impossible to capture the brightness of the one shade of pink. My brother actually didn't chicken out; I was impressed. His tattoo was based on an evil cheshire cat from an old Alice in Wonderland computer game; it's really awesome. The cat is in shades of blue and has a big grin on its face w/blood on its teeth. The cat has 3 tattoos and an earring through one of its ears. Mine hurt more this time, and I had forgotten that last time I had ordered a cream to put on the skin that numbs the outer layer of skin. I didn't realize how much that had actually helped. Once he did the outline though, the coloring never hurts as badly to me. The same man that did my first tattoo did my second. He's really funny actually. He has a wicked sense of humor like I do. When my roommate kept reminding me to breathe, I told him jokingly that if I held my breath long enough that I would pass out and not feel anything. The tattoo artist made some comment, and all I heard was "big man" and ass. My roommate thought he said something about spanking and I thought I heard something about a big man being on me if I passed out - either way, it was dirty (laugh). I have no problem with dirty
I have to sit here all afternoon and wait for Comcast to come and not fix anything once again. I'm so tired of dealing with them and not being able to use my home phone because it cuts out all the time b/c of the cable connection. Not to mention not being able to use anything Internet-based for more than 20 minutes without interruption. They weren't ever going to come back, since they have it fixed to 60% performance-wise - so I had to start calling again. At least this time, I have kept a log of the times/dates that it has disconnected. It's a neverending battle.
That's my first and only tattoo pictured above. It's on the small of my back, and my mom designed it. I didn't want something exactly like what everyone else had - I wanted some type of personality to it. My mom is a professional artist and awesome by the way. She is one of the lucky ones that has found her natural talent and then developed it throughout her life. I keep wondering what my natural talent is - if I even have one. I always worry that it was something that I never tried like surfing (laugh). I don't have the best coordination sometimes though, so I doubt it ;) I'm not sure if I'm uncoordinated as much as I try to do annoying things as quickly as I can to get them over with, so I drop things or bump things off of a table, etc. I know - charming 
Anyway, I was only going to get one tattoo, but I was warned that they were addictive. My brother wants to get a tattoo but is trying to talk himself into it, so I told him that I would go with him tomorrow and get one at the same time if he loses his feathers. Although, I'm torn. I'm either going to get a dragon with a woman riding the dragon, which I know I would like, but I actually like the oriental style dragons better than the dragons with the wings and the tails. I wouldn't like a woman riding an oriental dragon because it wouldn't have wings so it wouldn't seem like something plausible (although...a woman riding a dragon...I know...I'm on crack) (laugh) My second alternative is an oriental dragon that I really like that is kind of evil-looking, but I would have it done in shades of pink. (Hey, I am a girl... 
I'm actually a needle-chicken too ;) So, I'm sure that I'll have trouble sleeping tonight (grin).
I remembered one of the best dates that I ever had tonight for some reason. I think I heard his name mentioned with reference to some other person with his name, and my mind started wandering (I know...that's shocking..grin). It wasn't conventional; it wasn't because it was wine/roses and the moonlight. It was spontaneous. We simply went out and drove around for a few hours and talked...flirted...and then ended up kissing at midnight on New Year's Eve. He was an amazing kisser - definitely in my top 3.
I wasn't going to digress...but, since it's my blog, I can do whatever I want. I don't understand what has happened to all of the good kissers. It's a lost art, along with flirting, and that's really sad. I don't typically like bland sex; I much more err on the side of dirty, "have to take a shower afterward," spanking, pulling hair, talking dirty type of sex. However, it's never going to get to the sex part unless someone is a good kisser; it's just one of those deal-breakers. I think of some of the bad kissers, and it almost turns my stomach (laugh). There was the "I ate something really disgusting before I went out with you" guy, and the "I'm the blind lizard king guy" (he just aimed for my face with his eyes closed and stuck his tongue in and out of his mouth over and over...I am not kidding...I imitate it sometimes to my roommate to make him laugh). Depressingly, the list of really amazing kissers is much smaller. I think if I had to describe the ideal kisser - this person would be playful...slow at first...just testing the waters...pulling my lower lip in between his...using his tongue just a small amount at first and then increasing as he gets aroused. Once it gets hotter and heavier, I like having a hand in my hair...my hair being pulled a little...more tongue - more aggressive kissing....well, you get the idea ;) (Is it hot in here or is just me? laugh) I'm a very playful, teasing kisser at first - I lean into the kiss sometimes and then pull back just to see if the person follows my mouth - I like the give and take. The amazing kisser guy had all the moves down. It was funny though, because I didn't think I'd ever see him again or ever see him very often. He was incredibly intelligent and had a sharp wit; I loved to play with words with him for hours. However, he knew and admitted and I knew that he had a few emotional problems. He was very secretive and didn't like to share a lot of information about his feelings/thoughts and had a wealth of trust issues. He was one of those people where you would honestly not know whether he even liked you or not; there were hardly any clues as to what made him tick. It drove me crazy, and intrigued me at the same time. I did end up seeing him a few more times, but that first night was still my favorite and then, one day, he simply disappeared. He had wanted to move back to where he previously lived, and I'm fairly certain that's what happened. I told him how difficult it was to try to get close to him one night and to try to get to know him, and he made some "joke" about one of his 7-year friends who was still trying to get to know him who knew about as much that I knew about him. This was one of the better interactions (control and expectation-wise) in that I already knew how it was going to end, so I didn't have any illusions about it and just enjoyed it for what it was - a small slice of interaction with a person that mentally intriqued me, kissed me and aroused me senseless, but with whom I knew there was no chance of a future. I simply took it for what it was and didn't sit around regretting it for what it wasn't ;) (much...anyway....grin)
