I’m just super anxious tonight; I guess I have too many things spinning around in my head – so I just can’t focus on anything that I need to be doing. I have to file a response to a motion to dismiss filed against an action that I filed – and it’s just going to be hours of work. I’m having a hard time working on things that are politically generated – it just seems like it doesn’t matter what I do – that I just can’t win. I don’t even want to get started on it, because it just makes me angry. I need to find an area of law that I am more comfortable in – like writing contracts, leases – b/c the whole filing legal actions as a result of political issues – is just not working for me. Everyone knows everyone and all these people are against you. I got really upset when I first read through the Motion to dismiss – b/c I start getting concerned that I did something wrong – it’s just always your gut reaction. I was with my mom at the time, and she just started being totally irrational. She was like – I’m going to go ahead and take you home – why don’t I just take you home – I get upset about things all the time – I don’t understand why this one day she acted like she couldn’t be around me b/c I was upset? It made no sense. I always get upset for a second, talk about it for a few minutes, and then let it go to deal with it later. She also made a really strange comment to me that deeply hurt my feelings, and I can’t get it out of my mind. My mom started having anxiety issues when I was sick for a year and a half and her husband basically told her that she wasn’t “allowed” to help me even when I was practically home and bed confined (the person driving me to my family dr had to turn around twice and I missed 2 appointments b/c the nausea was so intense when I would sit in a moving car) – eventually, ok, you have gallbladder disease and it’s failing fast so let’s get it out of your body. And, now I have hardly any problems other than the stomach problems I had before my gallbladder started failing. We always go out and shop on Fridays – that’s our “hang out together” day – we just do errands and have lunch – never anything stressful. She made some type of comment that she had to take a Xanax before she went out with me that day – I just got really quiet – I don’t understand that at all. We never do anything stressful on Fridays – it’s always just a silly day with no schedule. We laugh, try on clothes, eat Chinese food – nothing stressful. I have thought about this all weekend, and I think she knows that she isn’t helping me with my house (repairing it – getting it ready to sell like she promised) and she can’t help me make payments b/c her husband won’t allow her to with her own money – so, I’ve decided that her problem with me is b/c if I’m with her – she has to think about how she isn’t helping me until I can get back on my feet. I don’t even ASK her for anything – ever – when we’re out together. She knows my house payments are so behind that they won’t take 1 or 2 payments even when I *finally* do get my first 3 paychecks – which, for the love of God, I should have already received. I’m just trying to let this go – I don’t think this has anything to do with something I directly did – I think it’s a result of her own indecision or decisions.
I thought about it the other day, and it really annoys me how “who you know” has become so important in this world in every aspect of our lives. So many people have easier lives because they know the *right* people. This has affected every part of my life. Essentially, some people are punished for “being shy” and not “making connections.” When a lot of the attorneys in the firm that I was in choose to resign like I did, they had jobs immediately – even one of the ones that wasn’t a very good attorney – they just had friends they knew to call, and bingo, automatic job – while I spent a year and a half looking for another full-time job – and then ended up with my gallbladder disease occurring right after that. In law school, all of the “popular” people would get together and share outlines that had been used for years and were sure winners to know what types of questions would be asked on certain exams. The “popular” people would get together and make outlines and share notes for days that people missed. If I missed a day of class, I just missed that day and didn’t have any notes for that day – I had a whole question based on a missed day of class one time on an exam. In the Black Phoenix forums, this issue was brought up because the “rare” perfumes that have been discontinued are very difficult to find and so many people just want to smell them. One girl was talking about how she contacted a girl who was swapping one of these rare perfumes but that the other girl swapped with a “friend” instead who asked secondly because she knew her – it even affects your hobbies. This happens to me all of the time on the forums too – people just ignore my “in search of” posts. The most sought after perfumes are the ones sold at “Convergence” which is a big trade type show that is always held in a city far away from Arkansas. People that know people have other people go over and purchase perfumes for the at the event, and then they bring them back and practically hold them for ransom for rare perfumes that were sold prior years at Convergence – it’s just a big “who you know” circle. You can *only* get these perfumes at this event, and these are the ones that people that don’t know anyone never really get a chance to try. It just frustrates me. A girl started a forum discussion, and I commented and agreed with her – letting her know that it feels just like high school all over again – and 2 girls are going to send me testers of 2 of the rare perfumes that have been on my “wishlist” for two years. I’m always super nice to new people to Black Phoenix – and I send them “testers” (which is a sample vial of perfume filled maybe ¼ of the way up – just to test) of the rare ones that I do have – like Snow White 2004 and Treat #2 (the one Convergence bottle that I do own but had to pay dearly for). It’s nice to have it come back to you – but the circle is still going to continue. You just can’t force yourself to be outgoing – and I don’t know if I want to be outgoing just to get things or know the right people. The whole cycle just sickens me anyway.
I did another perfume box, and it’s listed on ebay currently. My mom sculpted the mermaid, and I painted the mermaid and box and adorned the box. I had fun doing this one – I keep trying to practice sculpting – but I am really *bad* at it. I know my mom doesn’t have time to do them for me over and over again – which does suck b/c I’ve already sold one box and hopefully this one will sell – I have a million more ideas.
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