I feel like I’m living a double life lately. I still live with my ex, yet, I’m traveling all of the time to meet the person that I’m seeing. My ex is treating me so badly; he won’t leave my house – I just don’t know how to get him out without him exercising some type of “revenge” on me. I’m so sick of his threats. I’m so sick of him. I just want him to leave. He’s been diagnosed with diabetes and is still drinking all of the time. I thought, mistakenly, that the diabetes diagnosis would be his wake-up call. Obviously, I was wrong. It’s so hard to put my energy into anything lately. I feel like I’m split in half, and it’s really not fair to anyone – including myself.
The newer person: amazing smile, compassionate, a wicked streak (I have one of these myself, so I feel this is matched up well), organized, intelligent, thoughtful and thought-provoking, sexy, funny, with a dash of silly. He makes me laugh, think, smile, moan (hehe) – among other actions. Things I know that will get in the way: we’re both stubborn and like to have our own ways, my pets, and location. I feel sad today – he had a long way home and I could tell he was focused on the trip – but I guess in my warped mind – it felt like he barely even said goodbye. I know how it is when you drive for 4 hours – I’ve done it plenty of times lately – and I just hate it. So, I know he just wanted to get it over with. But, I still felt “stranded” and tears welled up out of my control. He doesn’t “need” me; I guess this is something that gives me pause. He told me that it’s better for someone to “want” someone else, and that he “wants” me. I guess I’d like for someone to want me and need me occasionally – need to talk to me, need to see my face, or need to just touch me or be touched by me. I don’t have to have someone need me all of the time – just sometimes would be nice, because I feel like having someone need you occasionally makes you feel “wanted.” Semantics, sure – but I guess there is a difference. He’s very independent and sometimes I worry that there isn’t enough room in his life for me or there isn’t a place for me – I’d like there to be a place for me. There are so many parts to him that I haven’t seen and so many parts to me that he hasn’t seen – he hasn’t seen me paint or focused on some type of art project – he hasn’t seen me in a crisis – he hasn’t seen me talk to my pets – he hasn’t seen me sad – there are so many unknowns.
I’ve decided what is worse than having absolutely no money – having almost enough money to make it but just not quite enough. I’m still working with an attorney that pulls in a lot of clients – he’s basically told me that he’ll take anything I bring in to trial – if it doesn’t settle – but now I have to figure out how to get my own clients.
The perfume forum that I am a part of – www.bpal.org for Black Phoenix perfumes – has this “swap” event a few times each year - it’s like a “secret santa” game but more focused on perfumes and bath/body products – and the secret players are named “switch witches.” I’ve sent my switch witch a few books and Halloween goodies – but her big “reveal” package is going out this week – it will have a handmade perfume box in it full of perfumes and bath and body products. I got to open my package from my switch witch today, and she was just awesome – the picture is of all the goodies she snuck into my package. She got me the first season of Buffy which I’ve never seen, a really rare Black Phoenix perfume that I adore (I was so touched by her thoughtfulness and generosity), a pink bat belly ring that I already have on, a Black Phoenix nail polish in light, glittery green – among a bunch of other things – she did so well! You fill out a questionnaire so that she can learn your personality, and you get a questionnaire sent to you so that you can learn your secret person’s personality. I’ve had a ball shopping for my secret Switch Witch – it’s been a lot of fun. My Switch Witch is really different than I am, so I hope that I’ve hit on some things that she wanted. She’s into anime and graphic novels and different types of music and books than what I’m into – I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
I had a blood test last week and my liver numbers are off – whatever that means – I have to go back in for another test – the doctor basically told me not to worry – that even medication can affect it – but then after they did the 2nd liver test – they told me to come back in for a third, so *now* of course, I am worried. I mistakenly drank on Halloween; I forgot about the liver numbers – I was a naughty school girl and went to 2 parties and had a ball until I obviously drank too much and got sick. I wish I could get a “do over” ;) I wish I could get a whole handful of “do overs” actually – the hardest part would just be narrowing down where to go back and use them.
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