So many things going on inside my head lately - that I'm just having trouble sorting it all out and getting it out. I'm having the worst time with my cats. Two are already losing a lot of weight - the steroids are stimulating their metabolism, so that they'll eat - but, they aren't gaining any weight. The kitten that I am so attached to - the orange one - who crawls up over my arm every night - he stopped growing about a month ago. He is most likely the carrier. Part of me irrationally wants to be angry with him for making all of my other cats sick - and eventually, probably, killing some of them. And, part of me just keeps holding him and crying - because I know he'll be gone within the year. This is one of the worst things that could ever happen to me. My pets are my family; they just are - no matter how many "huntin' people" and non-pet owning people that there are around me that will *never* understand - they still are my family - it's like losing pieces of my family and pieces of me.
The only medication they have ever found for my acid reflux that works - the most expensive medication I take ($400 a month) - my medical coverage won't cover - even with a physician letter stating that this is the only medication that has ever worked. At least it's making me lose weight, I guess that's good for me. But, being sick all of the time - and having that acid reflux lump in my throat and all of the burning in my back and chest - it's just wearing on me. I'm taking quadruple the dose of another prescription acid medication, and it's barely even touching it.
I'm done with Lyrica - it helps my IBS immensely and is the only medication that helps with my Fibromyalgia muscle pain - but the bloating, weight gain, the fogginess, and the depression - it just has to go - I can't deal with the side effects of it anymore. I tried to stop taking a few weeks ago, and it almost killed me - I'm determined to try again.
I have an appointment with my gastro doctor this month. To get rid of the acid reflux (since I can't afford $400 a month for the medication to control it), it's either acid reflux surgery or maybe even a gastric bypass - I'll do anything at this point. I'm so tired of it - my mom has it too - and she's thin, so it scares me. But, when I lost a lot of weight after my gallbladder started failing, it got a little better right after surgery (I don't know if it was from the weight loss or from the fact that I had an evil gallbladder inside of me wreaking havoc). I hope he'll just work with me - I'm ready for this part of my pain to be over.
With past relationships, it seems like you always give yourself a set time to grieve and then promise yourself that it's over. You look at those pictures - the ones where both of you are smiling - and then the goofy ones where you catch him doing something silly - and smile and remember how good it all was at that time. You cry. You isolate yourself. And, then you tell yourself that it's enough - it's time to heal. And, then you encounter new people to talk to or a person or persons that end up not being what you expected, and it seems like it just negates all of the healing that you already went through. Why does it have to be so hard? You have to wonder if you've had one or two people that you would have wanted to spend a very long time - if not the remainder of your life with - if that's it for you. It certainly seems like I've had my "share" already. Some people go through their whole lives with only one person that they find like that - and that's the only one that they ever find. I found three in the past - one didn't want me for anything more than things of a physical nature, one decided alcohol was more important than I was, and the other wanted me - but, then I found out that there were so many parts that he was keeping hidden about himself from me - that who knows if he was ever the person that I thought him to be in the first place.
And, I love the people that start off really talking to you and having intimate conversations with you - and then everything changes the minute anything sexual happens. I don't understand this; I guess I need someone of the opposite sex to explain it to me. There have been only two people that I ever had good enough sex with (and one is borderline) to sacrifice someone that I could really talk to for adding a sexual component - I guess it's not the same with everyone. But, people that you can really talk to are few and far between. Those are the people that understand you - the people who are there for you no matter what - whether you look pretty that day or you're just in bunny slippers, ponytails, and a nightshirt. Once sexual things enter a relationship, does that up the stakes for some people in terms of being able to have their feelings or their pride hurt more easily? I'm not like that, so I guess I don't know how it is for everyone. Once I tell people personal things - share information that I wouldn't have told many people - then, I become personally invested. Sex is sex - most people will have sex without too many restrictions or guidelines - telling someone private things about you - that is when you become vulnerable - that is when someone can cut you to the core. I've only found one person to do that with - tell things about myself that I wouldn't tell anyone but my family - over the summer - so, he could hurt me - but I haven't found anyone else to risk sharing that part of myself with - so, I think I've chosen pretty wisely so far.
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