It was really strange. I woke up Wednesday morning and just had this urge to smile - this feeling that something good was going to happen. This hardly ever occurs - especially lately, since things have been such a mess because of all the stomach problems and financial problems (and, yeah...stopping this whole line of thought here...) Anyway, obviously, my psychic powers suck (the best word that fits), because my mother informed me that she "might" not be here for Christmas this year. Well, if you know my mother, you know that this means that she will not be here for Christmas this year. My mom doesn't do well at confrontation, and you would think if it was something she was firmly for, she would have just told me two weeks ago, like she did with my brother. I may be in my 30's, but we have never had one Christmas where our family was not together for the holiday. My brother, mom, and I, and then either her current husband or my father *always* have Christmas together. Christmas is my absolutely most favorite time of the year. Not just because I love presents (which you all know that I do), I love to give presents more. I love to give someone the perfect gift and watch someone's facial expression when he/she opens my gift. I love the lights, the trees, the overly warm houses, the cold weather, waking up with chilly feet, waking up with cats all over me b/c they are cold, singing Christmas songs (replacing all of my hip-hop music with cheesy Christmas carols in my car dvd player), the board games my family plays, wrapping presents, tieing bows, making cookies, and a million more things. It's just a time, where a feeling of calm settles and nothing else matters, because you have your family and everyone is happy and together. I can drive over to my mom's house in my pink, fuzzy bunny slippers and nightgown and not worry about make-up or even brushing my hair. We do stockings for everyone in the family. I start in November gathering fun things for stockings. Well, her husband has finally decided that they are going out of town for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Let it be known that most of the other holidays are no longer sacred since she remarried - she has been out of town, at one time or another, for all of them except for Christmas, including Thanksgiving Day and my birthday. She has never left the rest of her family here on Christmas - just never. I lost it when she told me. I started crying, screaming, and just threw the phone. (Yeah, I throw things when I'm mad...bite me). Just with all the other bad things going on - being in stomach pain all of the time and just missing so much of life lately - I don't feel like I have many things to look forward to lately and she has taken away a significantly joyful occasion. She said that her "poor" husband has been asking to go see his grandchildren for Christmas for 7 years (give me a break - he visits them and they visit him and they would be invited to our Christmas ANY year - my brother and I would never exclude any additional family). He has finally won and is taking my mother away at the most important time of the year. I just feel like I can't breathe just thinking about it. I'm going to be stuck here all alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My brother and his wife like to open their presents to one another alone - and spend either Christmas Eve or Christmas afternoon with her family. I will be left essentially alone. You go from having family all around to nothing. She also wants me to make my best friend/ex/roommate leave, before she will help me move on with selling my house, etc. I took her painting, the portrait, that she did of me to her art studio in the middle of the night with a long letter. I don't even want to look at it ever again. It just sits in my room staring at me, mocking me - my whole room was designed around it. It's a person that I no longer am - and she obviously doesn't see me in the same light anymore - just b/c I'm sick - b/c I'm sick and having trouble staying "up" enough to find another job. My mom used to the be the person that I would wake up in the middle night from having nightmares about what I would do if something happened to her. Now, it feels like I don't even know her anymore. I don't agree with everything she does - but I would NEVER let it effect whether I would help her. I would help her with anything without her even asking. I always would. My letter essentially explained what I appear to be rehashing in my brain for the 2nd time at least and that she obviously just wants me to be stuck in my bedroom alone with a tree and my pets for Christmas with no one else around. I told her that I hope when she's drinking a rum/coke on Christmas Eve and sitting there in front of a fire with his family that she feels happy with what she's chosen to do.
My biggest problem is not that they want to choose another locale for Christmas. My problem is with the fact that NO ONE ELSE WAS INVITED. Most people I have talked to - if their family travels to another location for Christmas, they just take the whole family with them. If his intentions are so pure, why the hell weren't we all invited? Why weren't we invited? This is the deciding question in my mind as to what he is trying to accomplish. I don't have any other relatives here except for my brother. My brother and mom are my only blood relatives here - the rest of my secondary family lives in Ohio and we hardly ever see them.
I just wish something good would happen. I really need something good to happen. I've been reading a book that my mom gave me (a book with a paragraph written about how even though she has more money than she'll ever spend that she's not going to "bail me out" this time even when my house is foreclosed on and my car is repossessed) - and, while I agree with some of it, such as the power of your mind to alter your health and your station in life. I do not agree with all of it. I am at a chapter where he essentially blames poor people for being poor due to ignorance or wrong thinking - that lack of opportunity does not ever factor into your wealth. I don't think lack of opportunity wholly causes you to be poor, but I believe sometimes it does influence your station in life and change what is available to you. You can overcome having NOTHING growing up. You can much more easily succeed if you had EVERYTHING growing up. I sincerely believe that much of who you are in the business world is "who you know" - and I know no one and I am nothing. I do believe that having a positive mindset can make you better health-wise and can help you with your career - but I don't believe in hardly any *absolutes* - no statement is hardly ever true 100% of the time. Not everyone that had a positive attitude has been unsuccessful or has overcome sickness. It doesn't ALWAYS work. It's not always a sick person's or poor person's fault entirely that he/she is sick or poor. If these are the types of books that she is reading with keeping a grain of perspective as to the time period (1800's) this book was written in and type of person (rich, white, healthy, famous male) that is writing these words - then no wonder her thinking is askew and she has lost the compassion that she used to have.
I told her that I would not be attending Thanksgiving nor my birthday which happens to be on Thanksgiving also this year. Yes, I'm stubborn and a child - but this is what I need to do to get past this upset.
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