Picture compliments of my blog-less incredibly bright, witty, sexy friend :)
I've been in the foulest mood today. It's just one of those days, where I can't even garner the energy to pretend that I'm not in a bad mood and being a complete bitch. I went to my mom's Halloween party during the day which was fun - of course, I was running late. The back of my costume closes with a corset tie, so it's really hard to get in and out of it (umm...this could be bad...laugh). My mom was in her punk rocker garb and looked really cute. My mom always looks cute - she's 5 foot (laugh) My mom is seeing a therapist today, because she's so stressed out because I've been stomach sick and her husband doesn't want her assisting me in any way - mentally or financially. I try not to ask for anything unless it's a dire emergency. She pays me for the maintenance of her website already. She said that she has "too many opinions;" however, she acknowledged that I'm not really voicing one in this situation so I think she just means one opinion. I feel really bad - I'm not sure if there is anything I can do at this point. She was supposed to meet me the other day at 11:00 a.m. and her husband heard her talking to me and planning a time. She wasn't able to make it over here to pick me up until noon, and she slipped and told me that she swore that he was "subconsciously" stalling on purpose so that she would be late to do things with me. How childish is this? He's not doing it subconsciously; he knows what he's doing. He never liked how close my mom, brother, and I were when he met my mom. How could we not be close? Her husband died at 44; our father died when we were 19 and 17. We all only had each other. We had been mostly that way before. My father worked all of the time - I mean all of the time. He was saving a mass amount of money for retirement but retirement never came. I have a hard time balancing now the urge to not save it all for a rainy day because that day may never come versus living for today. It's a very fine balance; I haven't mastered it. We wanted to make her new husband a part of our family; we really did want to - after some initial adjusting time. Our family is really small; my brother is the last male that can carry on the family name. I never mind an addition to our family. He just hates us - ok, so he hates me more than anyone else. I don't know why; I've turned it over and over in my brain and I still don't have a very good answer.
My grandmother hated me too. She liked women who were quiet or people even that were quiet and that didn't question things that she said. I physically cannot keep my mouth shut if someone is saying something that I strongly disagree with or that I know is wrong. I just can't :P She didn't like silly people either. Especially people that laughed/giggled during activities like craft activities that I suppose she thought one was supposed to be serious during - I'm just not like that - I get it done and well but I have fun doing anything that I can. I remember one time when I was a kid she asked me and one of my friends to help her hang "plastic easter eggs" from her large tree in her front yard. You close a piece of yarn in one of the eggs and then close the end of the long piece of yarn in another easter egg, so that you can throw them over the branches and then they hang down. I had a ball - I was laughing and my friend was laughing and we were being silly - and my grandmother actually got mad and told us that "this was serious work." Maybe my grandmother lived in a household where silliness was never an option; her father left her mother when she was very young.
My best friend/roommate is really being nasty to me lately. I don't understand this either. He has become such a liar. I have a really hard time dealing with dishonest people. He just lies about everything. I got up yesterday morning and the hot water wasn't working; he told me that he went outside and talked to a "gas" person who indicated that they were working on the lines and that the gas would be back on later that night or the next day at the latest. I asked him to call again that night, and he told me that it would be back on by morning. Well, today at 3:00 p.m., I told him that I saw a door hanger on our front door. He told me that it was just a warning telling us that the gas would be off. I asked him why no one else had them on their doors, and he told me that they probably already took them inside. To end this excruciatingly long story, it was actually a shut-off notice that he could have just told me about *yesterday* (pre cold shower and a night of no heat) - and I could have just went and paid it. He's responsible for the gas bill, so I guess he thought he would just lie about it so I wouldn't get mad. This is so ridiculously dumb. Why lie about something so dumb? It was obviously going to be figured out eventually. I had to pay an extra $100 to get it turned back on today. What a mess.
I also don't understand why he is so nice to his other "friends" and the most disrespectful to me. His "friends" are great to pal around with when he is drinking or when he is just randomly calling people to talk about nothing with; however, when he really needs helps - not *one* of them is there. Just me. Yet, I'm the one that he treats the worst - takes for granted. He fell asleep in my room tonight and refused to wake up and get up. I drug my laptop and a cover into my artroom and am sleeping in here. This is obviously a situation I have to end. I just don't want to lose my best friend. Everything goes wrong at the same time.
I worry too much lately that my life is just slipping by, and I can't stop it. It's just running through my fingers. I need to figure out how to slow it down and get back in control of some of it - or at least feel like I've gained some control of it. I worry too much also that I'm changing into someone that I don't like. I'm not the same person as I was last year. My stomach is getting better, but slowly, and I feel like I've lost so much time. There are so many things that I still want to do, and I feel like everyone is ahead of me sometimes. I've always been pessimistic but lately I've been thinking many more bitter comments than usual. I hope this will pass; I don't want to be this person. I want to be who I really am - the one that sings in the car to cds at the top of her lungs and makes perverted comments at the precise moment that the waiter/waitress steps up behind her. I miss me sometimes. I hope she's still in there somewhere when all of this passes.
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