"A voyeur with wings flashes a cure..."

Well, I finally got my gallbladder scan results back after almost THIRTY days (how annoying is that?), and I failed. The first test that I've ever been glad that I did poorly on - I finally, finally know what's wrong with my stomach. My ejection fraction went from 34% (37% is normal) down to 15% in two-months. So, my gallbladder is packing its bags and should be taken out the first or second week of January (good riddance you evil bastard ). It's weird having something inside of you that you know is dying. I kept hoping it would come back a little decreased just so that my doctor could see a trend that it was getting worse - I had no idea that it would come back with as poor of function as it did though. I was starting to feel a little crazy. You tell people that you're sick and can hardly move and that you can't eat anything and have to plan events at least 12 hours in advance, so that you can make sure there isn't any food in your system so you won't feel bad - but no one, except for the people you live with, can see any outward signs. People just have a tendency to not believe you. Especially, if you need financial help from anyone - family members really. So, now it was my fault that I quit my job and got myself into this situation but the past 10 months haven't been 100% my fault. I couldn't fight this by myself. It wasn't until 2 months ago that they finally found a combination of medications and pain pills to take when needed to allow for me to be able even to moderately function. I'm still not myself. Every time I got into a car, I would worry if I was close to a hospital or worry that I would get sick while I was out. When I would get sick, I would really get sick - the acid would crawl its way into my throat and cause it to swell and feel like I had someone choking me and my stomach would cramp so badly that I would have to double over to deal with the pain (I lost you at double over didn't I, you big pervs...hehe).

I am officially only as crazy as I ever was previously (hehe). I can deal with normal crazy; I just didn't want to deal with straight jacket crazy (those would be so restricting - just imagine all the things you couldn't do ) I think I cried for 2 hours after the nurse told me on Tuesday. I just didn't know what I felt. Now, I'm scared of course - I've only ever had a tonsillectomy. I've never had to stay in the hospital. I've never had a surgery over 29 minutes which is the amount of time it took my ENT to take out my tonsils. Hopefully, they can perform it laproscopically which will leave me with 4 very small incisions that can be covered with band-aids versus a 4-inch incision which will leave a large scar. Not that I go around showing strangers my stomach on a daily basis - but the latter surgery requires a longer hospital stay and a longer recovery time. I read online that the 4-inch incision is only done in emergent situations or if your gallbladder is too swollen to extract laproscopically (or if you have abdominal girth in a location where it's hard to tell what is being removed...I may be screwed here...hehe...thank god they aren't operating near my boobs...laughing).

Bearing that I make it through the surgery and recovery without a flaw, I wonder how it's going to be after. Is this going to fix everything? I've been stomach sick off/on since the end of law school 6 years ago - was it my gallbladder the entire time? This experience has really changed my personality and my outlook in life - can I get it back? I have a million concerns. I really just want to get the awful thing out of me and heal and get back to normal and start anew. I want a chance to be a "normal" person where I'm not sick every other day. I have a lot of things to catch up on - fun-wise, career-wise - I'm excited and scared.

Some people close to me and a few of my doctors didn't believe that I was sick. My first gastroenterologist finally just told me that it was basically in my head and anxiety-based. My mom had a hard time believing me, because my dad had stomach problems and my grandmother had stomach problems - and my whole family has anxiety issues. I kept trying to tell everyone how sick I was - I literally had multiple days that I did not make it out of the house or out of bed even. I love to go to movies, go shopping, go out dancing - didn't people realize how weird it was that I didn't even leave the house to do these things frequently? I haven't eaten in a restaurant for 10 months - I used to go 2 times a week. It's awful to be sick but even more awful to feel like you have to prove that you are sick. I went to the ER one night because I was feeling so awful and the pain pills weren't making a dent - they gave me the usual G.I. cocktail and a pain medicine injection but no one said hey, hope you find out what this is or hey, hope you feel better. This other woman had sprained her ankle and people were all over her - nurses, hospital staff - as she was leaving - telling her that they hoped she felt better soon. Just because they could see a hairline fracture on her x-ray, she garnered more compassion than everyone else in the ER? She knew what was wrong - she would go home and steadily get better. A lot of the people in the ER are the "lost" people - the ones where someone can't figure out what is wrong or can't heal it. This really bothers me.

My family doctor was so excited when I went to see him this week; he is the one that recommended that I have a second gallbladder scan - he knew what it was the whole time. For anyone reading this who is sick, don't let others tell you that you aren't - you know your body - if you're sick, you know it - keep fighting no matter how many doctors doubt you. Eventually, you may be able to find an answer.

My Christmas list that I sent to my family this year before finding out the results:

Dear Santa:

It’s been a really rough year. I really shouldn’t be asking for any presents, since it will be so hard for me to buy any presents – even though that part of Christmas is truly my favorite part – I love to watch my family’s faces when they open gifts that I spent a lot of time and care choosing. It’s been making me cry almost every day that I realize that I should already be searching for presents and funny t-shirts online, but I just don’t have the means - I wish for my health the most. And, then I wish to get my life back to where I have control of my body and thus control over my career. I am determined though to make sure I am able to get a few special gifts for everyone that I love. These are just all of my ideas – I know I won’t get everything – just trying to make lots of options.

(1) SHOWER GELS:

Peppermint Twist and Wickedly Decadent Chocolate from Bath and Body Works).

Shower Gel BASE from ebay (Bobby knows about this – so I can make my own shower gels – comes in a gallon for about $17.99)

1 oz. flip top squeeze bottles from ebay (to put shower gel that I make in)

(2) 100% Pure essential Oils (These are the oils I use to make perfume and will use to make my own shower gels) I usually buy 1 oz. or smaller – have a 4 oz. bottle that I haven’t put a dent in. Any are good – here are some of the ones on my “to get” list :

(a) Cherry

(b) Vetiver

(c) Sandalwood

(d) Hazelnut

(e) Lemon

(f) Coconut

(g) Peppermint

(h) Amaretto

(i) Honey

(j) Marshmallow

(k) White Tea

(l) Peach

(m) Ylang Ylang

(n) Bergamot

(o) Brown Sugar

(Only about $2.99 each so already have the following: Lime, Clove, White Chocolate, Orange, Frosted Snowdrops, Bubblegum, Vanilla Cream, Vanilla Sugar, Butterscotch, Caramel, Brandy, Spearmint, Dragon’s Blood, Iris, and Dragon’s Breath)

http://stores.ebay.com/BULKOILS on ebay are my favorite so far – very good prices and oils smell really good but other brands are ok too if find unique scent.

The store above has a bunch of sampler sets where you can try 15-16 scents at one time.

(3) Gift Certificate for teeth cleaning (at Bobby/Rachel’s dentist or dentist for COWARDS with updated office – like tv’s on ceilings, etc – want something modern and in Little Rock)

(4) Flexible Keyboard ($7.00) (cheap on ebay and in fun colors!)

(5) Tyler candles (love food scents – used all of sugarbaby candle L )

(6) Popsicle Molds ($5.00) (want to make own popsicles with sugar-free drinks)

(7) Gift certificates

www.fashionbug.com

www.zaftique.com

(fashion bug will help you over telephone, mom)

(8) Black phoenix alchemy IMPS (samples – only should be 2.99-5.00 – very small) Here are some of the ones I’m still trying to get – don’t need all of these – just some to search for if you want on ebay: )

black pearl eat me wrath honey moon

white rabbit bliss death on a pale horse “O”

hungry ghost moon bon vivant sin

dragon moon chimera beaver moon

snow moon eclipse pink moon

snow bunny velvet lick it

On a positive note, my best friend believed me the whole time, and, even though he's always not the nicest person, he was always there for me when I was sick. Also, my brother never disbelieved me - he helped me every chance that he had - talked to me anytime that I called him when I was sicker than usual and/or scared or panicky. He never doubted me (he slipped me $200 to buy Christmas gifts with the other day - that made me cry so hard). My mother paid my car payments last month and started paying for all my medications. As you can see my number one Christmas wish was granted - that I would get a chance to get better physicaly, I guess I can't complain as much about having bad luck (of course, I still have to make it through the surgery...oh be quiet, you didn't really think that I could change overnight, did you? hehe)