I’m so behind right now, that I’m not even sure where to begin – I hate this lost feeling. I’ve never really had this feeling – not counting the times that I’ve been sick with no explanation. I was healing fairly normally from my surgery and even had 5 days where I had very little pain – just a little twinge in my belly button – and then I developed a severe pain on my right side. I ended up back in the ER – they think that a stone was missed – so, I either have to somehow pass it (what? Do I talk it out of me?) or it would have to be surgically removed if the pain doesn’t subside. The pain is subsiding – the sharp pain on that side – but, I just feel generally bad. I had 5 days where I was totally back to normal – going out with my mom – applying for jobs – my energy level was going back up – shopping – trying on clothes – and, then I was hit out the blue.
I have to find a job. I have to find something, anything – just until I can find another legal job – I’m so behind though – I’m over a year behind everyone else now, because no one could tell me that it was my gallbladder that was causing all of my pain – every single day. I spent a year of my life, with brief intermissions, basically in bed – in pain. I’m so angry. I’m angry at the gastroenterologist that told my mom, the one that was helping me – taking me to all of the doctor visits, helping me financially, that it was all in my HEAD. He told her that it was just something that I was going to have to learn to live with – funny, that he exhausted all of the abdominal tests except for the TWO that would have alerted him to the fact that I had gallbladder stones – either an ultrasound or an abdominal catscan. Some people in my life are trying to talk me into filing suit against him – for the negligence in diagnosing me – I went through months of unnecessary pain, because he didn’t have the correct tests ordered. Even my family doctor knew the whole time that it was gallbladder. The first question the surgeon asked when I went to his office was did I have an abdominal ultrasound. My family doctor basically diagnosed me and suggested to me that I go back to my previous gastroenterologist and ask him to repeat the HIDA gallbladder scan to recheck my gallbladder function. If I wouldn’t have pushed ahead and gone back to my family doctor again and again and then went back to the gastroenterologist I was seeing before the one that gave up on me – I would never have known until my gallbladder ruptured. It just shouldn’t have to be that hard to find out what is wrong with you when it’s so simple of a problem. Millions of people have gallbladder problems.
I’m trying to find a writing job – I keep applying for jobs at the newspaper but receive no response – writing obituaries or editing copy – I would be good at any of that – and I am an English major not to mention all of the writing experience from 5 years of legal work. I have no idea how people get into the writing jobs – at magazines, newspapers – they just aren’t readily advertised. I just want to write.
I was reading a bio about one of the newer artists that I really like – and she’s only 25 and already has sold thousands of dollars of her work and has sold her designs to Hot Topic and numerous other “gothic” style stores and is putting out her own book with her art in it. What is wrong with me? Why am I not good at anything? I don’t know what to put my energy into – what energy I currently have – the only thing I seem to be truly good at is shopping. You can’t just find personal shopper jobs either. They aren’t even advertised. I’m making another website for one of my mom’s art students. This woman is very nice versus the other woman that was obnoxious when I helped her purchase and set up a new computer for her artwork – so this time it should go ok. I’m apprehensive though. I feel so much envy that it almost turns into resentment toward people that are successful now – whether I know if they had to struggle to get there or not. I know it’s not right – I know it’s not a rational feeling – it’s just there. I guess I’m just mad at life in general – b/c I was blind-sighted by this stupid stomach thing that started in 2000 and escalated until it got to how bad it was the last year. Success-wise – I was moving at the speed that I wanted until the stomach problems started. I had to postpone the first Bar exam that I was scheduled for, because of extreme stomach distress (that’s when I was first diagnosed with IBS). So, that postponed my future about six months – and, then I wasn’t “newly” graduated and most of the new jobs had been taken by students that graduated when I did. It just sucks – and I’m mad and there isn’t any way to fix it – but I’m still mad. I just don’t know how I can ever catch up. I guess I’m annoyed, because things just fell so easily to some people – I know people that haven’t ever really struggled – didn’t even really try – and they have good jobs and are happy and don’t have to worry about bills all of the time. And, I’ve tried over and over and bad things just keep happening. I just don’t know where to go from here, and I hate this feeling. But, I have to come up with something.
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