"I give it all my oxygen to let the flames begin."

Christmas is depressing. I'm starting the search for a full-time position the minute the holiday is over; the person I work for is just too busy even to hand me things - and I'm just not sure how to find my own clients - plus, the whole court-avoidance goal. This was just so perfect; he told me that he would try anything that I pulled in - now, if I could just figure out how to pull in clients. I want to write and research - I heard so many people at law school saying how they just wanted to do trial work - there must be a match out there somewhere for me.

I've been feeling kind of down, since there was a delay in my billable hours for some reason - and I need to order certain gifts now that I can only purchase online. Last year, my mom helped me and let me use her paypal account, so I could get the gifts early enough but her husband won't "allow" her to do that anymore. And, I'm a grown up - I should be self-sufficent right now. I still have so many days that I don't feel well; it's just getting to me lately.

I had an argument with the special person. It really concerned me until I put it into perspective. We've been together weeks at a time - we've had only 2 misunderstandings. So, 99.9% of the time has been just perfect. I'm not afraid of arguments or disagreements - I'm more afraid of the way that certain people deal with them - I'm not very good either - I'm usually the runner, the "you only get one chance" girl - I decided that I didn't want to be that person anymore a long time ago. I hope that he doesn't want to be that type of person; if he left and then changed his mind - I'm not sure he would ever admit that he thought later that he might have made a mistake. The number of amazingly good days has far surpassed any of the "squeamish" moments - I'm good with that. I hope he's ok with that, and that his opinion of me hasn't changed. He helped to make my birthday and Thanksgiving more special than he can know, and I thank him for that. (Why what did I do on my birthday night you ask? Hehe...what a *good* good question....grin)

It's funny how silly encounters can help uplift your mood; I went to Subway at dinnertime b/c I hadn't eaten all day and there were two guys in there and they teased me the whole time they were taking my order. I wanted to try the new Subway sandwich with the pepperoni and everything on it - so they were telling me how I wanted the sandwich with all of the meat :o Then, they teased me about it being a foot-long. When I told him that I didn't want it toasted, he told me that "I didn't like it too dark" (hehe) The worst was when I had to ask for black olives on it - good lord :o That provoked the "Are you married?" question among others (hehe) They were very silly ;) I couldn't help but smile - how can you resist perverted sandwich jokes? :D

My Christmas list:

Yo Santa:

Mixed year this time – still a mess financially – but what else is new? Maybe you could throw some good luck my way – the lumps of coal are starting to hurt like hell. Other areas of my life have ended up well – I have new special people in my life – both friend-wise and relationship-wise - and for this, I am eternally grateful. I’ve tried to be a good person; I’ve screwed up maybe one or two times – the devil just gets into me – especially when I feel that someone deserves it – but for the most part, all gold stars for me :D I feel silly making a list when I have more fun picking out gifts for other people, but then, the financial situation is giving me nightmares – I’m determined to make sure that everyone has something special from me. I know it’s material, and it shouldn’t matter – but it matters to *me.* Here we go:

(1) Tarte “We wish you wealth” make-up palette (www.amazon.com – really at Sephora though – my wishlist at Amazon is under wendyrhill@hotmail.com )
(2) Urban Decay shadow Box (see above for location…hehe)
(3) Fun belly rings! (mine are started to rust, fall apart, and Buddy knocked a bunch of them on the floor to be mean, so I lost a lot of them)
(4) Fun nailpolish colors! (Black Phoenix Trading Post has some that I adore – and Nicole brand has some that I adore – love dark spooky colors for toes and lighter sparkly or shimmery colors for fingers)
(5) Emergency Road Kit for car – or maybe one of those membership cards where they come tow your car or change your tire – something so I’m safer on the road when I don’t carry a lot of money with me.
(6) Volatile shoes in size 10 (my favorite pair has finally worn out – they are here: http://www.heelandsoleshoes.com/browser/63/94/product/ECM89C02CD91129688281-5... (called Santia in Black) – I really need shoes though and there are tons of styles! I need some closed-toe shoes for winter – since these were the only closed-toe Volatile shoes that I have – you can’t go wrong with a surprise pair! Hehe) I’m a shoe-whore – this, I know (ashamed look)
(7) Lush stuff! (In particular, I would love a large Snow Fairy shower gel – it only comes out at Christmas – and I am totally out of bubble bars!) www.lush.com (wishlist if you need particulars but I’d love anything: http://voyeurwithwings.livejournal.com/832.html )
(8) Torrid gift certificate :D (www.torrid.com) Or, almost any Torrid dress in size 24 or 4 (you can find good deals sometimes on ebay – the cute/trendy ones for going out to clubs, etc!) Bobby is awesome on eeebbbbaayyyy
(9) Villainess smooches! (from www.soapboxcompany.com or www.villainess.net ) I want the Hoarfrost (h-o-a-r, ahem) smooch really badly (grin)
(10) “The Studio Head” perfume oil (no alcohol version) from www.starringfragrances.com .
(11) Ohmygod, I almost forgot the most wanted thing: Black Phoenix locket!! (www.blackphoenixtradingpost.com ) I love all of them, but I love Salome the most – however – they are all to-die-for so you can’t possibly disappoint
(12) Hand-made or hand-painted or hand-sculpted or hand-written gifts! I love personal things made for me – it’s the time that counts most of all

Thanks for reading – keep your reindeers’ clean – they have to ride with their noses in the asses of the others (hehe) and be careful with the cookies so you don’t toss them (hehe). Yes, I’m done with the awful puns now – do I get on the naughty list for these?

Merry Christmas!

Wendy

"Switch me on...turn me up...I want to touch you...you're just made for love"

I feel like I’m living a double life lately. I still live with my ex, yet, I’m traveling all of the time to meet the person that I’m seeing. My ex is treating me so badly; he won’t leave my house – I just don’t know how to get him out without him exercising some type of “revenge” on me. I’m so sick of his threats. I’m so sick of him. I just want him to leave. He’s been diagnosed with diabetes and is still drinking all of the time. I thought, mistakenly, that the diabetes diagnosis would be his wake-up call. Obviously, I was wrong. It’s so hard to put my energy into anything lately. I feel like I’m split in half, and it’s really not fair to anyone – including myself.

The newer person: amazing smile, compassionate, a wicked streak (I have one of these myself, so I feel this is matched up well), organized, intelligent, thoughtful and thought-provoking, sexy, funny, with a dash of silly. He makes me laugh, think, smile, moan (hehe) – among other actions. Things I know that will get in the way: we’re both stubborn and like to have our own ways, my pets, and location. I feel sad today – he had a long way home and I could tell he was focused on the trip – but I guess in my warped mind – it felt like he barely even said goodbye. I know how it is when you drive for 4 hours – I’ve done it plenty of times lately – and I just hate it. So, I know he just wanted to get it over with. But, I still felt “stranded” and tears welled up out of my control. He doesn’t “need” me; I guess this is something that gives me pause. He told me that it’s better for someone to “want” someone else, and that he “wants” me. I guess I’d like for someone to want me and need me occasionally – need to talk to me, need to see my face, or need to just touch me or be touched by me. I don’t have to have someone need me all of the time – just sometimes would be nice, because I feel like having someone need you occasionally makes you feel “wanted.” Semantics, sure – but I guess there is a difference. He’s very independent and sometimes I worry that there isn’t enough room in his life for me or there isn’t a place for me – I’d like there to be a place for me. There are so many parts to him that I haven’t seen and so many parts to me that he hasn’t seen – he hasn’t seen me paint or focused on some type of art project – he hasn’t seen me in a crisis – he hasn’t seen me talk to my pets – he hasn’t seen me sad – there are so many unknowns.

I’ve decided what is worse than having absolutely no money – having almost enough money to make it but just not quite enough. I’m still working with an attorney that pulls in a lot of clients – he’s basically told me that he’ll take anything I bring in to trial – if it doesn’t settle – but now I have to figure out how to get my own clients.

The perfume forum that I am a part of – www.bpal.org for Black Phoenix perfumes – has this “swap” event a few times each year - it’s like a “secret santa” game but more focused on perfumes and bath/body products – and the secret players are named “switch witches.” I’ve sent my switch witch a few books and Halloween goodies – but her big “reveal” package is going out this week – it will have a handmade perfume box in it full of perfumes and bath and body products. I got to open my package from my switch witch today, and she was just awesome – the picture is of all the goodies she snuck into my package. She got me the first season of Buffy which I’ve never seen, a really rare Black Phoenix perfume that I adore (I was so touched by her thoughtfulness and generosity), a pink bat belly ring that I already have on, a Black Phoenix nail polish in light, glittery green – among a bunch of other things – she did so well! You fill out a questionnaire so that she can learn your personality, and you get a questionnaire sent to you so that you can learn your secret person’s personality. I’ve had a ball shopping for my secret Switch Witch – it’s been a lot of fun. My Switch Witch is really different than I am, so I hope that I’ve hit on some things that she wanted. She’s into anime and graphic novels and different types of music and books than what I’m into – I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

I had a blood test last week and my liver numbers are off – whatever that means – I have to go back in for another test – the doctor basically told me not to worry – that even medication can affect it – but then after they did the 2^nd liver test – they told me to come back in for a third, so *now* of course, I am worried. I mistakenly drank on Halloween; I forgot about the liver numbers – I was a naughty school girl and went to 2 parties and had a ball until I obviously drank too much and got sick. I wish I could get a “do over” ;) I wish I could get a whole handful of “do overs” actually – the hardest part would just be narrowing down where to go back and use them.

"I don't fit in so why do you want me?"

I do things sometimes - and I think later - that is so unlike me or so out of character. But, since I think this multiple times - it made me question it - are those things really out of character for me? Or, are they pretty much in character or in sync with who I am but are parts of myself that I don’t readily accept as parts of me? Or, parts of myself that I don't admit to comprising of my character? Do I want to be the person that doesn't do those things? Do I want to be the person that admits to doing those things and accepts that certain activities or certain words that come out of her mouth are a part of who she is? I have absolutely no idea - I'm thinking on this - obviously, there are some settings that I could never exhibit some of these characteristics in (no, not just naughty...I know what you're thinking...hehe) but even saying exactly what you're thinking - no matter how venomous (although accurate) what you're thinking of saying is – is it always ok to say exactly what you think? Obviously, you can – as in you have the ability to do so – but the consequences to doing so clearly wouldn’t be always be worth the satisfaction you would get in saying exactly what you think in some settings.

One of my cats is stuck or floundering in the big box that an extra fan for my house came in – I’m debating on whether or not to rescue him – I set the box up against the wall so they would quit playing (i.e. fighting) in it and so I could take it downstairs to dispose of it – it’s only June and already so hot that the air conditioning feels like it’s just not doing it. I really hate hot weather – I already miss winter. My reasoning is that I set the box up, and he thought it was funny to knock it down – so he should have to sit there for a few minutes (hehe) Cats are wiley – they hardly ever get permanently stuck. Sometimes, I wish I was a spoiled cat.

I’ve totally changed my mind on Lush bath and body products – I now know why people go so crazy over them. The soaps are to die for – such as Honey, I washed the kids (honey candy smell and really creamy) and Rockstar (pure pink candy smell) – the bubble bars are my absolute fave now. They are solid bars that look like soap but turn into mountain of bubbles when you throw a piece into the bath. I used “Sunnyside” today which has a really soft orange citrusy smell, and, although I was worried about the gold glittery substance on the outside, it only made my bathwater into swirls of golden rivers and didn’t leave any of it on my body. I haven’t found a man yet that doesn’t like the Demon in the Dark soap – it’s wickedly dark green and black and has the most amazing smell – peppermint and clove – description follows:

Beneath the black wax exterior* lurks a refreshing apple juice and mint soap explosion of devious proportions. It will terrorize you from the depths of drowsiness unleashing a revitalized you form a previously comatose state.

I swear I give this to men just so that I can smell this on them. I got a package the other day where something wasn’t labeled and it was soap-shaped, and I handed it off to my roommate. I have a tart burner and tarts are usually shaped a certain way – and this one just didn’t give a clue to its tartness. He came back after his shower and told me that he thought it was a candle tart and not soap – which is clearly was – I almost peed on myself it was so funny. He was trying to underplay it, so I wouldn’t die laughing – no one gives me the satisfaction of cracking up anymore :P It reminded me of the time that my dad started yelling from the shower for my mom, when I was a little kid, and told her the "soap" wasn't working (he was blind as a bat w/out his glasses) - he was trying to soap up with a barbie head with all of its hair off for some reason (read: brother cut it all off to be obnoxious). Things were never dull in my household.

I used to have a dream when I was a kid of a house – I’m going into the house in the dream, so I never see the outside, and there’s a “horseshoe” type staircase and a chandelier hanging down – the house is clearly very old. A part of the dream has to do with me finding a “secret” part of the house that no one else (except for the previous owners who are now gone for some reason) knew about. I may have to move about 40 minutes away from Little Rock, since I have to get out of this house to make repairs to it – finish painting the floors, etc – in order to sell it. It’s so stupid to sit on a house that I clearly can’t afford currently that is worth a decent amount of money b/c of the neighborhood and size – I just want to get out of here – so, I can come back and make repairs to sell it. Let’s see – let the bank take it for a loan that is approximately 50% of the value of the house or put a couple of thousand and some hard work into it and sell it for twice the value. Certain members of my family were obviously just a bunch of talk when they claimed they would help me get it ready to sell – and, now I’m a bind – I’m having trouble sleeping – having nightmares – it’s disconcerting. Anyway, my on and off again person – his family has this house that’s just sitting there. It was built in the 1800’s and used as a make-shift civil war hospital. It has history – it’s supposedly haunted (cats scare away spirits, right? Hehe) – the roof is a mess though and the yard – the former more expensive to fix. But, it’s a big house and interesting – although, his relatives that can let us in or give us permission to make sure it’s structurally sound are out of town right now. I just want to get into it and see if it’s the house that I use to dream about – my roommate said it has a lot of the features that are in my dream – including a “secret” basement that he was never allowed into as a kid. The really disappointing part is that his family sold off a lot of the plots around it – it used to sit on pretty many acres – so there are trailers, etc (*not* kept in good condition) all around this gorgeous house that is being neglected and is just being left to sit and rot away. I’m not good with close neighbors especially in a small town. It’s just an eerie feeling altogether knowing that I have to leave this house – b/c this house is home. I know home is where my pets are (hehe) – but this is the first house I’ve felt at home in since I was a kid and we lived in the same house for 20+ years. I need that security – I’m not good with everything falling out from under me at the same time.

"I know the words...I know when to say them."

God, I've found yet another perfume oil company - these girls are so wicked! They just keep recommending and talking about things on the forums - I have to quit looking at websites...(hehe) Actually, a very sweet girl that I met on the Black Phoenix Perfume forum sent me a free tester of two scents from Heaven and Earth Essentials. My favorite one (and yes, I've already ordered a full bottle) is (you're going to laugh) Voodoo Punani - I knew I was going to like it because of the name (grin) - description follows:

Voodoo Punani (Love Oil)
Buttercream Frosting with Sandalwood and Saffron!

This scent is just *amazing* - no kidding. I can't quit smelling myself again (hehe). I also ordered a ton of samples - most eagerly awaited:

Pink
Bergamot, Sicilian Orange, Raspberry, Fig Leaves, Lily of the Valley, Licorice, Strawberry, Red Fruit, Cotton Candy, Barbe-a-Papa, Vanilla, Caramel, Musk, Wood and Powder.

Spirit
Toasted Sugar, Indi Sandalwood, Cardamom, Butter Cream and a shaving of Black Coconut.

I received 2 soaps that I ordered today and one is Villainess (I'm assuming one of their signature scents since it's the name of their site):

Characteristic Scent:Raw, smokey leather and sweet vanilla musk engulfed in a sheer haze of exotic florals - ylang, neroli, jasmine, lilac and tuberose.

My stupid roommate walked by the bathroom and told me that the soap smelled like crabs...to mess with me...now, he's totally ruining this soap for me (laugh). It's funny how suggestion can change a scent so much :P It does not smell like crabs...(laughing) It smells mostly like warm leather with a little bit of vanilla. If he's ruined this scent permanently, I'm going to kill him :P For the record, Villainess soaps are freaking awesome - even on men - I let the roommate borrow Pimp (a soap, you pervs...hehe), and I swear I wanted to ravage him on scent alone (grin).

I hate when you're interested in finding out about someone, but they just aren't interested in you. Why don't some people give you a chance? You know someone will really like you - but they just don't give you a fair shake. I guess you just don't appeal to that person enough or you're too "tough" to get to know. It seems like the people that I'm not super interested in always want to get to know me but people that I'm really interested in learning about won't take the time/effort to get to know me. I'm not hard to get to know; you just have to ask the right questions. I just don't sit around in normal conversations and offer 20 things you need to know about me. I like someone that takes an interest and asks things that he/she wants to know about you. Getting to know someone should come naturally (no pun intended...hehe) but it still shouldn't be so easy that you take it for granted and don't have to work a little for it. I like to work for things, people - hardly anyone ever appreciates things obtained easily.

I disappointed someone this week. I feel bad. A bunch of problems came up this week that went into my decision to tell him that he couldn't stay with me for the weekend - even though I was looking forward to it - but, I guess that deep down inside, one of the reasons is that I'm afraid. He hurt me in the past, because I don't let and/or many people just don't get *really* relationship-close to me - there are certain subjects that I won't talk about with anyone but I did with him. And, then he just disappeared for a long time and came back and wanted everything to be the same. It just can't be the same; I don't trust him anymore and can't again - so, I'll always hold a part of myself back now in my interactions with him. I'm trying to so hard not to repeat the mistakes and missteps of my past - damn, it's hard and annoying :P Most people I maintain casual friendships and/or flirtships with ;) I'm very picky about who I get close to.

I have to do a hearing at a City Council meeting next week. I'm super nervous already - trying not to think about it. I don't do well with public speaking - I talk too fast :P Usually, I can make a conscious effort and force myself to slow down - but, if I'm already nervous, I can't focus on what I'm doing and talk slowly. Ugh. If the hearing doesn't go the way I need it to go, then the last resort will be a lawsuit - so, I'm trying to put a lot of thought into it - not only for my client's sake - but also for mine so I don't have to go to Court later (hehe). Plus, it's just much more cost effective to get it resolved right now at this stage. (see, I have rational reasons...sticks out her tongue).

I cut my lip tonight...very disconcerting - what if I *need* my lips? (hehe)

"Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?"

I’m just super anxious tonight; I guess I have too many things spinning around in my head – so I just can’t focus on anything that I need to be doing. I have to file a response to a motion to dismiss filed against an action that I filed – and it’s just going to be hours of work. I’m having a hard time working on things that are politically generated – it just seems like it doesn’t matter what I do – that I just can’t win. I don’t even want to get started on it, because it just makes me angry. I need to find an area of law that I am more comfortable in – like writing contracts, leases – b/c the whole filing legal actions as a result of political issues – is just not working for me. Everyone knows everyone and all these people are against you. I got really upset when I first read through the Motion to dismiss – b/c I start getting concerned that I did something wrong – it’s just always your gut reaction. I was with my mom at the time, and she just started being totally irrational. She was like – I’m going to go ahead and take you home – why don’t I just take you home – I get upset about things all the time – I don’t understand why this one day she acted like she couldn’t be around me b/c I was upset? It made no sense. I always get upset for a second, talk about it for a few minutes, and then let it go to deal with it later. She also made a really strange comment to me that deeply hurt my feelings, and I can’t get it out of my mind. My mom started having anxiety issues when I was sick for a year and a half and her husband basically told her that she wasn’t “allowed” to help me even when I was practically home and bed confined (the person driving me to my family dr had to turn around twice and I missed 2 appointments b/c the nausea was so intense when I would sit in a moving car) – eventually, ok, you have gallbladder disease and it’s failing fast so let’s get it out of your body. And, now I have hardly any problems other than the stomach problems I had before my gallbladder started failing. We always go out and shop on Fridays – that’s our “hang out together” day – we just do errands and have lunch – never anything stressful. She made some type of comment that she had to take a Xanax before she went out with me that day – I just got really quiet – I don’t understand that at all. We never do anything stressful on Fridays – it’s always just a silly day with no schedule. We laugh, try on clothes, eat Chinese food – nothing stressful. I have thought about this all weekend, and I think she knows that she isn’t helping me with my house (repairing it – getting it ready to sell like she promised) and she can’t help me make payments b/c her husband won’t allow her to with her own money – so, I’ve decided that her problem with me is b/c if I’m with her – she has to think about how she isn’t helping me until I can get back on my feet. I don’t even ASK her for anything – ever – when we’re out together. She knows my house payments are so behind that they won’t take 1 or 2 payments even when I *finally* do get my first 3 paychecks – which, for the love of God, I should have already received. I’m just trying to let this go – I don’t think this has anything to do with something I directly did – I think it’s a result of her own indecision or decisions.

I thought about it the other day, and it really annoys me how “who you know” has become so important in this world in every aspect of our lives. So many people have easier lives because they know the *right* people. This has affected every part of my life. Essentially, some people are punished for “being shy” and not “making connections.” When a lot of the attorneys in the firm that I was in choose to resign like I did, they had jobs immediately – even one of the ones that wasn’t a very good attorney – they just had friends they knew to call, and bingo, automatic job – while I spent a year and a half looking for another full-time job – and then ended up with my gallbladder disease occurring right after that. In law school, all of the “popular” people would get together and share outlines that had been used for years and were sure winners to know what types of questions would be asked on certain exams. The “popular” people would get together and make outlines and share notes for days that people missed. If I missed a day of class, I just missed that day and didn’t have any notes for that day – I had a whole question based on a missed day of class one time on an exam. In the Black Phoenix forums, this issue was brought up because the “rare” perfumes that have been discontinued are very difficult to find and so many people just want to smell them. One girl was talking about how she contacted a girl who was swapping one of these rare perfumes but that the other girl swapped with a “friend” instead who asked secondly because she knew her – it even affects your hobbies. This happens to me all of the time on the forums too – people just ignore my “in search of” posts. The most sought after perfumes are the ones sold at “Convergence” which is a big trade type show that is always held in a city far away from Arkansas. People that know people have other people go over and purchase perfumes for the at the event, and then they bring them back and practically hold them for ransom for rare perfumes that were sold prior years at Convergence – it’s just a big “who you know” circle. You can *only* get these perfumes at this event, and these are the ones that people that don’t know anyone never really get a chance to try. It just frustrates me. A girl started a forum discussion, and I commented and agreed with her – letting her know that it feels just like high school all over again – and 2 girls are going to send me testers of 2 of the rare perfumes that have been on my “wishlist” for two years. I’m always super nice to new people to Black Phoenix – and I send them “testers” (which is a sample vial of perfume filled maybe ¼ of the way up – just to test) of the rare ones that I do have – like Snow White 2004 and Treat #2 (the one Convergence bottle that I do own but had to pay dearly for). It’s nice to have it come back to you – but the circle is still going to continue. You just can’t force yourself to be outgoing – and I don’t know if I want to be outgoing just to get things or know the right people. The whole cycle just sickens me anyway.

I did another perfume box, and it’s listed on ebay currently. My mom sculpted the mermaid, and I painted the mermaid and box and adorned the box. I had fun doing this one – I keep trying to practice sculpting – but I am really *bad* at it. I know my mom doesn’t have time to do them for me over and over again – which does suck b/c I’ve already sold one box and hopefully this one will sell – I have a million more ideas.

"I got a mind full of wicked designs...I've got a non-stop hole in my head imagination..."

I made a fairy box to put the small Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab perfume bottles in – my mom sculpted the fairy for me, and then I painted her and adorned her and painted the box – you never realize how many sides there are to a box until you have to paint each side – hehe. The top of the box is covered in Epoxy – so it’s really shiny. I already have a bid of $30.00 on it – hoping it will go up a little more. I’m going to do a three dimensional mermaid box next where her tail will look like it’s coming out of the box too – I’m excited J The ammo holders hold the "imps" which are the sample sizes. The bottles on the outside of the ammo containers, are the full-sized 5ml bottles of perfume oil. Yes, I'm an addict - leave me alone :P Sex and flirting as hobbies get me in more trouble - hehe.

Refrigerator is still dead. I’m holding a ceremony for it next week :P The large deep freeze that was in the garage was pulled out of the garage and cleaned out and plugged in – and, I don’t even have to tell you, that it won’t work for some reason. My roommates work at a restaurant, so they bring home food – which is really nice – but it’s restaurant food and it’s greasy and fatty and it makes me sick. I’m sick of eating pop-tarts :D

The gas was turned off – I was at work and my roommate called me too late – and they added $50 for the shut-off and a deposit of $150 since the bill was so late – thus, I can’t get it turned back on yet (it’s almost $700 now – good lord). I’ve only gotten one of my three checks coming – and, of course, I got the smallest one first :P The other two are enough to make a house payment and get my gas turned back on. How ironic is it that I have a closet full of bath products – creams, scrubs, bath bombs – years worth of bath yummies – and I can’t really appreciate any of them right now. I’m pretty much annoyed with everyone right now – my roommate that has lived with me for years and years – both as my boyfriend and as my ex – didn’t have a job for about a year when I was sick – so, it’s not wholly my fault that things have gotten this bad. There was nothing I could do last year. He’s acting like he’s worked for years now, and it’s only been about 8 days. It’s just pissing me off. I was horribly sick, and I still got a job before he did. I don’t know why I choose the wrong people to help or be nice to – I don’t know how to distinguish between the people that I should be nice to and the people that I shouldn’t. I obviously choose wrongly. I actually just try to help anyone that I can, but people never feel that same pull toward me. Hardly anyone ever wants to help me – it’s really odd. I must not seem deserving enough ;) I never ask for help, but when I do – toward the people I consider friends or even people that live with me, it just doesn’t get through. It doesn’t mean anything to them. It scares me that some people seem not to have a conscious. I don’t know how people that I have known for so long can be so uncaring. Alas, you can’t just go out and find someone to care about you and what happens to you overnight.

My court date on my ticket turned out how I expected. The “no insurance” citation was dropped, because I wasn’t even driving the car, only the owner or operator of a car with no insurance or no proof thereof, can be issued a citation. But, the other ticket, the expired tags fine stuck, because the statute reads that even if an owner isn’t driving the vehicle but “knowingly” allows someone to drive his/her car w/out current registration – it’s still a violation of the statute. It turned a $400 ticket into a $200 ticket, so it was worth sitting in court for SIX hours, I suppose. Someone really didn’t want to go to jail – he took off and what a ridiculously stupid place to run – all of 10+ police officers chased and tackled him with clubs drawn – hehe. What a dumbass :P The officer that gave me my tickets was present in court for no less than TEN disputed tickets. He kept going up over and over. He obviously had an attitude problem; a lot of them were thrown out. For example, he gave a man a ticket for “following too closely” – but the man explained that the person in front of him drastically slowed down w/out brake lights – just let off the gas on the expressway – that one was thrown out. When another case was being heard, this man disputed a ticket b/c he claimed that the same police officer that gave him a ticket for a busted headlight a week prior followed his “customized” (thus easily recognizable) car for a half and hour before pulling him over again for some other “violation” and said when he walked up to the car: “hey, you’re the guy fighting my ticket in court.” The person given the citations believed he was being profiled, and my officer, the one on my ticket, laughed *audibly* and snorted – in the courtroom by the Judge – that was the most unprofessional thing I’ve ever seen. This ticket was thrown out too.

Why is playing cards in a group suddenly just a male activity? I can’t play cards with ANYONE that plays cards in a group in my family, because apparently it’s a male thing. I *love* to play Spades – I get sick of playing online – would love to compete more in a group. I rule at Spades, damnit :P I was getting better at Texas Hold ‘Em too, but I got bored with it – b/c I don’t have anywhere/anyone to play with in person. Games are fun online, but they just aren’t the same – in terms of social quality (and being able to goad people when you’re winning…joking grin)

"Would you save my soul tonight?"

I've decided that all of my electronics and appliances have banded together and are staging some type of revolt. My mom replaced my tv; my refrigerator died 2 days ago. You don't realize how much you use a refrigerator until you don't have one (hehe). Needless to say, my roommate didn't really make it clear that it was going off/on and gave us both
"mild" (only mild in the sense that I made it sick for 2 days w/out having to go to the hospital...laugh) food poisoning - so I was "not able to move sick" for a few days. It's been big fun :D I swear I'm only eating food from not in this house until I get a new one or it's repaired :P

This week is going to be awful in the first half. I have to file a pleading in a case that isn't "typical," and the man that I work for is in the hospital, so I can't really bother him (nor would I consider it) - to ask a few questions. The questions I need answered are not things that I can just look up or I would have no problem :P I have to have it filed by Wednesday. (Yes, I'm procrastinating...leave me alone :P )

Wednesday also happens to be my court date at freaking 8:00 a.m. for my no proof of insurance/expired tags ticket that I was issued when I was sick. I wasn't *driving* the car; the statute clearly states that only the "operator" of the car can be issued the citation. Further, I found a case that clearly indicates that the purpose of the statute was to punish someone driving a car w/out insurance or current tags. The case went on to state that is it not illegal to just own a car with expired tags or without insurance. I hope the police officer just doesn't show up :P He just chose who he wanted to give the ticket to - that's just crap and it makes me mad which is why I asked for a court date and forewent probation. He gave me the ticket on Thanksgiving which just happened to be my birthday too - do I have bad luck or what? (hehe)

My order from Black Phoenix *finally* is being shipped this week. Everyone else that ordered around the same time that I did already received their orders, but they ran out of an ingredient for one of the perfumes that I ordered - so everything was held up. I'm waiting on these bottles (grin):

MONSTER BAIT: TOKYO STOMP
Beckons all giant creatures from gargantuan reptiles and humongous moths! These babies are sure to crush everything from dollhouses to shopping malls! Can even be used to summon colossal robots in a pinch! A sweet and crisp vanilla mint!

MONSTER BAIT: VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY
Menacing, maniacal, and slick with the one-liners … this guy does it all with a wink and a smile! Savage apricot, depraved dry woods, and psychopathic patchouli covered by a disarmingly sweet mishmosh of caramel, brown sugar, hazelnut, and butterscotch. Be warned: this oil will instigate possession in most puppets, including some marionettes and the occasional finger puppet.

And last, but not least… a ghoulish lure that is Perfect for your next gathering!

MONSTER BAIT: BLOODY MARY
Why waste time chanting her name in the mirror 13 times? Bedevil your next slumber party the easy way! Chunky, glistening red fruits with sweet cream accord, black clotted cherry, and powdered sugar!

(Yeah yeah - you know which one I'm waiting for - the cherries and sugar! hehe) I should have just ordered 3 bottles of that one :D I've heard that a lot of people were disappointed b/c the Ventriloquist Dummy perfume doesn't have enough "woodiness" in it - or was it too much wood? (Can you have too much wood? :O Hehe). I forget - but that's the one most people are selling when they receive it :P

I came to the conclusion tonight that it's been a freaking long time since I've had amazing - can't quit smiling the next day and/or can barely move the next day sex - or a conversation that is so entertaining that the hours/minutes just fly by - odd. I've never noticed either of these things missing before, so it must not be usual :D Must fix these things...(laugh)

"Life's like an hourglass...glued to the table"

This hasn't been so great of a week. I haven't been feeling well again - my acid reflux is going crazy. I went to see my family doctor and basically, I just have to wait it out and see if it keeps improving post-surgery. I only feel bad 50% of the time now. The year and a half that I was sick - I felt bad 90% of the time. I'd like to get back to where I'm only feeling unwell about one time a week - *that* I could handle. Although, that's probably sad too - thus is life with IBS. I accepted that a long time ago - I just didn't know that acid reflux could get so bad that it can't be controlled with quadruple the acid prescription medicine that most people take, that it can put a constant lump that you can't swallow in your throat, and that it can't be controlled with a change in diet. I lost freaking 60+ pounds when I was sick - you would think that would alleviate it - I've heard that even gaining 5 pounds can increase your reflux if you're prone to problems - so, it should have done something. I'm frustrated - I hate when something is beating me - I like to win, with people, problems, games...anything. I'm not a good loser :P

My television won't turn on - my good, big flat-screen tv that I purchased when I had lots of money to waste on things - I have to have a tv. It's the only way that I can sleep at night. There was some type of power surge last night - it's even on a surge protector but obviously that did nothing. I woke up and the clocks were blinking on everything and the tv just flashes a red light when you try to turn it on and no picture. My roommate went to get his drill an hour ago (no pun intended...hehe) - I worry when someone takes electronics apart. I'm betting that I'm going to need a new tv. My mom said she may have an extra tiny one somewhere (my mom has like 6 tv's between 2 houses and an art studio...give me a break..it's like going from a 10 inch cock to a 2 inch cock, and yes I did type that b/c I'm pissy and I can :P )

My mom is really annoying me. She promised that she would help me make the small repairs to my house and finish painting the floors, etc - so that I can list it - and, I brought it up a few times - and she said she was planning to come over the next week and start helping me - that was 2 months ago. She knows I'm not making enough yet to pay the mortgage and my car payment plus the insane utilities - yet, she won't help me and she's not keeping her promise to help me get rid of this "money pit." I love my house, but it takes more resources than I'll have for awhile to maintain it. Everything is breaking all at one time - the refrigerator is making a funny noise and freezing things in the non-freezer area - the flat-top stove cracked (god knows how this happens?), the ceiling in my bathroom started leaking again from the condensation pan to the air conditioner thus ruining all the work that I did in there putting in a new ceiling and painting clouds on it damnit - it looked so neat (I've had the condensation pan fixed professionally 3 times but they won't guarantee that type of repair) - I'm going to quit listing things, b/c it's only making me more depressed.

I've billed at least 1000-1500 in the past few weeks, but the person that does the billing couldn't get to the invoicing until *last* week - I turned those hours in over a month ago. My mom is like this - "you need to concentrate on your job right now and just work at it." My mom has obviously mastered the art of denial, and I guess that's how she copes with things. How do you concentrate on your job full-time when you have to worry about your utilities being turned off - your car being taken away, your late house payments - she is just really making me mad. No one is that stupid - she's just turning a blind eye and not giving me a chance to get caught up. It is so hard to start over in your career after almost 2 years of illness. I just wonder how much one person can take sometimes. I wonder how much I can take sometimes. If I haven't reached my limit yet, I'm guessing I can take a pretty awful amount of things happening.

I had this weird urge to go visit my father's grave yesterday. Weird being that I'm not the type of person that believes that anything results in visiting a person's grave - other than the benefit that some people get to look at a symbol of a person's life. I just like to remember the person. It was an overwhelming force though, and I try to follow those type of instincts - so I put a yellow rose at my father's headstone and one on my grandmother's and grandfather's - they are all grouped together. My best friend-roommate received two calls last night from 2 of his 3 best friends (I'm the 3rd) - one had his father pass away yesterday and one had his mother pass away yesterday. It appears that death and despair have been predominant themes this week.

On the upside (you have to find some upsides - to keep your mood up), at least I smell good :P The women on the LUSH forums (LUSH is a awesome bath store that is in bigger cities...i.e. not in this crappy state) - and a bunch of the women there, since I was new to the products, just asked for shipping and sent me a ton of samples. The "Rock Star" soap is the most amazing thing I've ever smelled. I smell like I licked a lollipop and just rubbed it all over my body. If only I could eat myself...(hehe) (no pun intended, of course...grin)

By the way, the "Honey, I washed the Kids" soap is to die for too - it smells like honey and candy. Someone also sent me a chunk of a "Think Pink" bath bomb and ohmygod, it turned my bathwater into pink candy (laugh) I love pink If you can't improve your mood after taking a pink bath, I don't know what you can do (absent really amazing sex...hehe).

"You must not know about me...I could have another you in a minute."

It's one of those nights where my head is just spinning, and I feel like I need to get things out of it - unfortunately, I can't find the right words. It's just been a blah day and a lot of things are bothering me. I have a friend that apparently can't be my friend anymore, because of decisions that he made in the past that he now regrets. I guess the only way that he can feel better about what he feels guilty about now is to shut out anyone that knew him when he made what he considers bad decisions today. I was really careful with this person, because he's the type of person that likes to make you feel good by saying nice things to you - I wasn't sure if he was saying things sometimes because he meant them or just saying things that he thought I wanted to hear. Either way, I guess his underyling motive was to make the other person feel good about herself. I just never fully trusted this person or couldn't let myself fully trust this person, because I knew some of the things that he said were just purely to make the hearer happy. He's leaving a lot of people that did care about him as a friend in his wake - and that bothers me - not just for myself but for other people that I care about that he's hurting also.

I think I'm losing my touch on reading people, and I hate that I care - but I apparently do. Usually I can tell when someone is into me - but I was way off this weekend. There's a fine line between flirting with someone to let that person know you're interested and blatantly just stating it - I'm just not direct like that - I like when people can pick up clues and just go for it. People that take the "easy" route don't interest me anyway, so I don't know why it bothers me. Maybe I'm just annoyed that I wasn't appealing enough ;)

I sold a bunch of "samples" of my Black Phoenix Perfume Oils to make some extra money, since I won't start getting a check until my hourly billing goes through - and I clumsily spilled one when I was decanting out of it. Not only did I lose half of a $20 bottle of perfume oil - now I'm drowned in the scent of chocolate, black cherries, and musk :P I took a bath, and I still smell like this (hehe). I think I'm stuck this way for a few days.

A friend came back into my life again that had disappeared for a long time. I don't know what to do with these people that seem to want to come back around me when it's convenient or when that person needs me in some way again. He claims that things in his life were such that he just couldn't focus on anything except for resolving the problems in his life. Wouldn't you need someone to talk to during that time? Is he just going to disappear again when he doesn't need someone to make him feel cared about? How many chances do you give someone? My automatic inclination is always stubborness - I never used to give people more than one chance. And, then I decided to give people two chances. I think this is a pretty fair place to stand - I don't really think that many people are worth more than two chances - especially if they do the same type of thing both times. Some people, of course, like my family members - are worth a million chances. He wants to see me again, and this concerns me for two reasons - one, I know I won't put everything of myself back into the interaction because, duh, I'm just not going to be blindly happy and then have it all go away again - and two, if I do, it's obviously going to send a message that someone can do this to me over and over - and I'll just take it.

I have to be up at 7 a.m. - I'm not even supposed to be going in to work tomorrow - I can officially hate Mondays again. My mom did the above collage - it's awesome of course ;)

"Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside..."

I'm officially an attorney again - go me, huh? ;) It's weird, because I've been one for awhile but you don't *feel* like what you are unless you're employed or practicing every day. It's like an artist without paints. An attorney in Conway hired me to handle his overflow, and I get to use his Little Rock office which is basically empty to either build a general practice or a research practice. I haven't decided precisely what I want to do yet, but it's a whole new feeling to have options. I actually get to keep my house now for the time being. I'm still supposed to sell my car, but I already know what I'm getting in place of it - a Mitsubishi 3000 GT VR4 - I had two 3000 GT's - never a VR4 though - it's the turbo version - and the 3000 GT's were my favorite cars that I ever owned - I even liked them way better than my Supra - I'm just glad the Supra is worth something, because it was the last year it was made and you can't find them easily anymore. It's about 4 months from being paid off anyway - thank god. It's weird going from having nothing that I *had* to do to having so many things that I need to do, that I can barely keep everything in line. I'm building another website for one of my mom's artist friends also and was considering pursuing this as a source of extra income. It really does drive me nuts though - legal work drives me fun nuts - hehe :) I have my own office - and I've already hung some paintings - my mom held onto a large painting with blues and turquoises that is just stunning for me for when I got an office again. She also bought me a pottery piece that picks up the blues in the painting, so it's just starting to feel like me. I just don't feel comfortable being somewhere for hours upon hours without something pretty to look at.

My previous roommate is moving back in - he's crazy - but, yet, another source of income. He's changed somewhat over the years and is comfortable to talk to and be around. Of course, he still has some of the same faults - but, for night now, everything is ok. I went to a party with he and my other roommate on Saturday and we misjudged the gas level of my car and ran out right when we got there. I was freaking out. The idea of being stuck out in the middle of nowhere with my cell phone in/out of range with no gas and no way to go anywhere was not really appealing :P I kept telling them we were all going to be butt-raped (hehe - why yes, I'm awful...I already knew this...grin) A kind man that owned the house let us borrow some gas - so we were able to make it to the next town to fill back up. Of course, after I found this out - I ended up drinking too much b/c I was so shaken. I've *never* fallen asleep in my car before (no, I wasn't driving...I'm silly and goofy but not insane...heh) - but this time I did ;) I did have to stop sleeping (being passed out...hehe) when we got gas and go to the bathroom and the women's bathrooms inside the station were just locked - so weird - multiple stall bathrooms lock? I had to go to the men's restroom - yuck - but the aforementioned drinking made it an absolute emergency (hehe). The stall I was in read "fuck me hard" - if you're going to write something on private property - you may as well come up with something original for the love of God. Needless to say, I've just spun in circles mentally today - I can't concentrate on anything and am supposed to be asleep,so I can get up early and concentrate on things. It feels like the hamster in my head just stopping running on his little wheel - flopped over on his back and passed out (hehe). Dirty little hamster :P

My hair is red again...with strawberry blonde highlights...(content sigh). Speaking of shopping (yeah, I know we weren't...hehe), I found some soaps that are just so *nice* - go ahead, click me - you know you wanna ;) The website is Villainess and I have now in my greedy, but surprisingly supple hands...hehe:

Dulces en Fuego:

Distinguishing Features:Cracked black pepper and cinnamon sprinkled throughout.

Characteristic Scent:Musky bitter chocolate sweetened with vanilla and touches of citrus then positively inflamed with black pepper and nutmeg.

Gloop:

Distinguishing Features:Skin-softening marshmallow crushed throughout.

Characteristic Scent:Fluffed marshmallow fudge.

These are *amazing* - way cheaper than LUSH soaps - which I really don't just love anyway and more moisturizing. Most of the scents are pretty useable by males or females. My roommate wanted to steal the spiced chocolate one (hehe). It actually does have little pieces of pepper in it - and they exfoliate - these rock - I'll be getting more unfortunately ;) And, I smell like chocolate marshmallows now (grin). (See you thought I was going to type something naughty here...see how wrong you are....smile)

"She'll let you in her mouth...if the words you say are right"

With all the things going on with the people around me lately – I’ve been thinking a lot about addiction problems in general. It’s so ironic, because one of the ways that they tell you to keep yourself otherwise occupied and to get your focus off of your addiction – is to focus on something else that you like – however, I can see how easily that other focus or even focuses could become addictions too – how can you ever really break the cycle? For example, I like sex way too much (hehe) and shopping if I wanted to choose two of my very favorites things (people?....grin) to do. So, in the past, if I try to cut down on the shopping – which makes me happy and gets me excited – then I seem to have sex more which, most of the time anyway, creates the same effect. And, vice versa – it’s a wicked cycle. Even worse for people with “deadlier” addictions – although, I guess any addiction can be deadly in some way or life altering. I guess the whole point is to balance all of the things you love and achieve moderation. Good luck with this (hehe). As an aside, I’m not mocking addiction – I’ve lived with someone and have befriended someone for years that has had health, job, and personal problems resulting from the gravity of his addiction – I’ve just been so stressed – that I need to let it out in humor.

I made pendants with corks that hold perfume oils for Valentine’s Day for my mom and my sister-in-law and ordered the oils *over* a month ago – and I still haven’t received them so we have to wait to celebrate V-day with family. On a side note, we had to wait anyway because my mom decided that she didn’t want to be here for her birthday which is also on V-day. She went to Vegas with her husband. I wrote an e-mail to the company about the order not being here yet, because she had specifically sent me an e-mail letting me know that they would be here well before V-day. I started getting worried that they were lost in the mail and sent her a message. She was like, oh yeah, I had this and this and this problem and they were mailed about a day ago (this was February 14^th) – I was so annoyed. She didn’t offer to refund my shipping or anything. I’ve sold enough things on ebay and dealt with people from my mom’s site to know this just isn’t the way that you do business. She should have sent e-mails to her customers prior to them having to contact her and offered some type of “apology” – either monetary or in extra product. If there aren’t a few free samples in the package – if I ever get it – I’m going to send an e-mail and request that my shipping be refunded. I wouldn’t be so annoyed if she hadn’t sent me a personal e-mail telling me that she was happy that I chose her website for V-day gifts and guaranteed that they would be here in time – good lord, I ordered them in early January. The pendants are pretty cool – you can wear them around your neck or hang them around your rearview mirror to make your car smell good. The cork diffuses the perfume oil, so that it isn't overpowering. I’ve made a fairy one, a heart one, and a moon one so far. I get frustrated with the wire – I don’t have a lot of patience with some things (hehe). And, then other areas – I have enough patience to drive other people crazy – whatever works :D I want my Valentine’s Day presents, damnit – I know my mom got a me a nightie that I really wanted – it’s fuschia and semi-sheer – with a corset type back that comes up higher in the back than the front – so it shows the matching panties. *Excited* :D (See, the whole shopping thing again…hehe…or is that shopping and sex-based? Not sure…grin)

I read another really cool tip on a website about wearing a locket with a piece of cotton in it that you dab in your favorite perfume oil or spray with your favorite perfume - I've done this twice already - I bought a necklace with a large heart locket that has a black rose and other pendants dangling from it - it's really a neat idea. You can smell your perfume all night - w/out your skin absorbing all of it.

I got my belly button re-pierced this weekend - hehe :) The piercer was funny; he kept trying to make me laugh, so I wouldn't be nervous.

Him: "I had a bad weekend...I blew "chunks" after I got home Friday night..."

Him: "I have a dog named 'Chunks.'"

Geez...it took me a minute - I was so nervous, that I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying - he was going through a whole comedic monologue...(laugh) Very happy about having it redone though - he used a bigger needle than the woman that previously pierced me . I was trying to be a trooper and not gasp :D I got a stainless steel ring this time with blue sparkly stones - I wanted something different. Now, if it will just heal - so I can use all the belly rings that I got for Christmas, and that I had already bought last year before the evil gallbladder surgery :P

"I want to swim away but don't know how..."

When do you give up on someone? When do you finally say enough is enough and just cut the person loose? I guess it’s subjective to everyone and every different situation, but I have a really hard time with making this decision. I find it extremely difficult to give up on another human being – especially one that I’ve been close to for a long time or entangled with on and off for a long period of time. I am getting tired of people telling me just to get away from him. He takes care of me when I don't feel well; he talks to me when I'm lonely. These people aren't offering an alternative - my mom is the worst - let's get rid of your car, your house, you get rid of him and then I'll be out of town half the year when you need someone - but I can be there for you, I promise. I know he's not good for me on the whole. I know that he could be, and has been, a better person. I just don't know what I'd do without my best friend. If he makes it through the whole 30 days of the program, I am going to give him one more chance. If he doesn't go into the program or falls right back into his previous lifestyle when he returns - that's the end of it. I have my own deadline - and this feels like the right thing to do.

My mother was incredibly rude to me on Monday. We had talked last week, and we were discussing all of the jobs that I’ve applied for – and I mentioned to her that I would probably have to go to a temporary agency this week and that I had heard of a newer one that seems to get results. My roommate/best friend was supposed to be checked into a 28-day program on Monday for his drinking problem. He’s finally admitted to everyone that he can’t stop. Before now, it’s always “I can stop any time I want to, etc…” Once you walk away from three jobs, lie about money, hide alcohol, have disturbing liver results come up from a blood test – you would think that would all finally add up and point to the fact that there is a problem. Regardless, this is the very first time that he has admitted to someone that he cannot stop, and that he needs help. He’s been sober for 3 excruciating days. He has to stay sober until they check him in, or they won’t check him in – a “bed” is going to be open this Thursday or this next coming Monday. I then have a 30 day reprieve to decide what I want to do. I swear if I felt better, I would just get out of here – go to a new state – a new start – just get out of here. I hate this state; I’m only staying because I’m licensed here and my law license is basically useless currently anyway. I called my mother to let her know that he wouldn’t be checking in until next Monday (she was going to catch up all my utilities and make plans so that I could find another house to mortgage and live in while he’s gone) – and she was asking me if I was ready to go to Staffmark. I have no idea what she was talking about. One, I never planned on going with her – I don’t need a babysitter – I’ve applied for two handfuls of jobs already. Two, I never even mentioned Staffmark. Three, I never mentioned which day that I was going to go – some require appointments. She just flipped out and started being rude – I have no idea what was wrong with her. She’s the one who promised that she and her husband would help me make small repairs and paint and clean up so I can sell this monstrosity of a house. She hasn’t been here one time in 3 months, since she made that promise. I guess her and her husband had some type of disagreement about the “situation” with me, and she decided to call and take it out on me right before she leaves for yet another vacation – this time leaving a day before her birthday which is on Valentine’s Day. This was just insane – I hate when someone gets mad at me out of the blue; I like to know what I did wrong. I got really upset and her new trick is to hang up on me, and then I leave a bunch of messages after she turns off her phone. After I calmed down, I think I slept for about 10 hours straight. She took whatever mental/emotional energy I had left and just squashed it. I don’t think I’ve ever slept that hard.

I’m making perfume pendants for Valentine’s Day for my loved ones. They are really sweet little vials with corks in which you can twist wire around them and attach beads – you put the perfume oil in them (the corks function as diffusers) and can hang these around your neck as a pendant or use in your car as a car freshener. Mine is going to have a black heart and rose on it. My sister-in-law’s has a butterfly. And, for my mom’s vial – I bought iridescent wavy leaves and natural looking beads. I was trying to make each vial for everyone’s specific personality.

I had a *really* good time at a Valentine’s Day party that I attended last weekend. This was the first time I’ve been feeling well enough to get dressed up, dance, flirt – and just be my silly self in general. I made the mistake of not eating (I didn’t want to risk getting sick…hey, I had a new dress…laugh) – and drinking on top of an empty stomach. The nausea scared me for a few minutes – but I danced it off. I even behaved :D (mostly…kind of….at least 65%...hehe). I’ve been wanting to try a lemon drop shot for awhile now – but the bartender didn’t put sugar around the rim like you’re supposed to in order to counter the sourness of the lemon juice – so I’m going to try one again at a better bar sometime ;)

There is another bath-oriented website that I like called Isle of Eden ~click here if you want to see~ - I ordered a whipped bath cream that is just the most decadent thing that I’ve ever slid over my body (hehe...note the word over...grin) – it’s a rich white chocolate scent and I keep trying not to use it, so I won’t run out. I also purchased a sampler of their perfume oils – I like the smell of the oils but they are just kind of “normal” in comparison to my beloved Black Phoenix Alchemy Oils – but at least I’ve learned some scents that I want to get body creams in – definitely definitely have never felt bath creams so rich – can’t wait to get more when I’m finally gainfully employed again. Some of the scents that I want to try in bath creams (descriptions borrowed from the site):

Can'tSleep, Clowns Will Eat Me!

You'll smell it all! Pink Cotton Candy, Funnel Cake, and Delicious Candied Red Apple! An Isle of Eden exclusive.

A Princess on 7 Strawberry Lane

7 Strawberry Lane™ + A blend of lady apple, water lily, mandarin meringue, golden apricot skin, sheer floral notes, touched with dark chocolate, and ending with pink frosting, amber, warm woods, musk, and vanilla. Adding 7 Strawberry Lane™ to this (already smashing scent) just made it even more amazing. An Isle of Eden exclusive.

Wolf Bait

Proof that little girls shouldn’t go walking through the woods alone. Based on “Little Red Riding Hood,” this scent is good enough to eat. It contains rich brown sugar, pink sugar, and yummy good sugar cookies, which adds just a hint of spice. What more would any wolf want? An Isle of Eden exclusive.

And, yes…I always smell good…(hehe)…want proof? ;)

"She'll let you deep inside...but there's a secret garden she hides."

I used to not speak my mind as much as I do now - I tend to tell most people how I think now - except for the really cruel things - unless someone really really deserves it (you know who you are...) Don't you wish you could go back and find all the people in the past where you wished you had said something different or said what you truly felt? In honor of this...

You: You helped someone that I loved. You took someone that couldn’t tell how he felt to anyone and helped him to open doors. His father suffered a fate, because he kept everything inside and wouldn’t talk about anything – his fears, his pain, his anxiety – he didn’t even know how to talk to his own daughter. I know you don’t like me very much, because I lovingly pick on you like the rest of my family – but I care about you, and I thank you. You changed his life for the better.

You: I wish I wouldn't have told your best friend that I didn't have a "crush" on you. I thought you were funny and irresistibly cute - your friend just asked me in front of everyone else, and I was so self-conscious that I thought he was setting me up - and then would tell me that you didn't like me. He told me that you did like me after I told him that I didn't like you "that way." I heard about the girl that stood you up for prom. I would never have done that to you.

You: I loved you, and you made it seem like you really cared or loved me – and then you just disappeared. I was convenient and what you needed at the time. Then, you had the balls to just try to come back into my life again, because you needed someone again. I needed someone the whole time – love isn’t convenient – love is joy, pain, uncomfortable, sacrifice, stunning and fascinating in its dualities.

You: I still love you, and I hate you. You didn’t choose me. What was wrong with me? Why were you so scared of something different that you went back to what you knew even though you “claim” to hate it? Why do you act like you’re so strong when you’re obviously not? You let her control you. You must love her, and it hurts for me to acknowledge that. I don’t want to see you anymore. Please don’t call. You’ve already called once past this decision, and it was so hard not to answer the phone. Please don’t call anymore.

You: I’m not sure you even merit even a paragraph – maybe a sentence or two. You’re immature. You lie, and you think people believe you – and you go around saying that the one thing that you are is honest. You’re worried people will judge you over superficial things – if someone is concerned about those things – those people aren’t worth your time anyway. Maybe one day you’ll grow up – you have a long way to go – if only you weren’t so interesting in bed.

You: You just disappointed me. I don’t know what to say to you. You’re not what you seem. I hate people that deceive others on purpose. I like straightforward, direct people – you don’t have to be Einstein – just be able to make me laugh, love me and don’t hurt me on purpose, be dependable, and be honest.

You: You hurt me the worst of all. You hurt yourself too, but I believe that you hurt me more, because I remember it all and you never will. You’ll never fully appreciate the words that were said and screamed, the embarrassment when I had to call my brother, mom, or the police, the pushing, the threats, the disappointment, the betrayal, the lies, the stealing – you’ll never fully appreciate how much you’ve taken from me. I hate who you’ve become. I try to say it’s not the real you – but it is the real you – you’ll never be how you were again – you can become someone better than now but you can never get back to where you were before. It’s a tragic loss.

You: You were a stranger that just called me a name in a department store. I was only 16 and very shy. I went over in my head so many times what I should have said to you - you said it under your breath so your mom or my mom didn't hear - I wish I would have went up to your mom and held you accountable for your rudeness and unbelievable gull - she probably wouldn't have cared b/c you probably had heard her say the same things about others. I'll never know.

You: You need psychiatric help even more than I do. You’re wounded, but you’re also a coward. I can’t fault you – I’m a coward a lot of the time too. We had conversations that just naturally flowed - hours would pass in the blink of an eye. We totally got along and were compatible but you’ll let what society and your “buddies” think of you and the pain you’ve suffered in the past determine who and how close you get to someone – I hope you find happiness one day. I had one amazing moment with you. I’ll never forget it.

You: You’re just clueless. I looked up to you for about a month – I just feel sorry for you now – putting your crude words and pitiful artwork online and bragging about it trying to pretend that you’re somehow less pathetic than the rest of us. True talent needs no boasting. You were wickedly cruel to me in a moment that I will never forget – my mouth fell open – and the saddest part is that it had no effect on you – you contacted me later and didn’t even remember how rude you were to me. You will never find happiness – you can only find happiness if you show who you really are to people, and people respond to the real you. You’ll never stop hiding behind who you wish you were to accept who you really are – I feel sorry for you sometimes.

You: You irrevocably changed someone that I love more than anything. If you can’t love someone without taking the most beautiful and precious parts of her personality away, then it’s just not love in my definition. You think you’re smarter than everyone else just because you’re older and that’s your downfall. Once you think you know it all – you cease to ever know anything else. You’ve done it to yourself. You deserve to suffer from it – but, because you think you know everything and you know what’s best for everyone – you’ll never even realize that you should be suffering – how wildly unfair.

You: I can't figure you out. I fell for you at one time, I don't feel that way for you anymore. I'm on the fence sometimes on whether you attract me or not. You're decent sexually, but you've just killed your mind so badly. I can't imagine dulling my mind to the degree that you have. When you kiss me, you used to not kiss me, I can feel the parts of you that care about me - the parts of you that want to be with someone that loves you and vice versa. I feel sorry for you sometimes. I've never kissed someone and felt his pain in the kiss. It hurts me for you.

You: You’ve lost so much of yourself, and I hate that and it’s not your fault – I don’t think you realize that it’s happened, but I still love you dearly. You’re getting older, and it scares me more than me getting older – I didn’t think anything could scare me more than me getting older. I look at you and still see a young person when you smile and we’re out laughing and doing things – I look at other people your age, and you sincerely do look so much younger - but every once in awhile, I see a glimpse of the wrinkles or hear you talk about something like not believing what number your upcoming birthday is, and I have to force myself to face that you’re getting older. Please don’t get older. I can’t imagine my life without you. You’re one of the only two people that I can come to if I can’t go to anyone else.

This is a small representation of the people that have had some lasting effect on my life. The one thing I've learned from going through this list is one, I'm in a pissy mood because my stomach isn't getting better as fast as I would like (if ever), and two, the most important one, is watch your words and actions. You can do such little things to people - even strangers, and it affects them and they remember for the rest of their lives. People need to be more accountable and conscious of the effect that they have on others. Take a minute and stop and think every once awhile - who have you hurt in the past? Who have you helped? Who could you help? I wonder who I've hurt other than the ones that readily come to mind - not surprisingly, a lesser number than the people I've allowed to hurt me. And, I'm sorry to those that I have hurt.