"Sugar, I love the way your body talks..."

I'm probably going to have to sell my car in order to keep my house maintained and the mortgage paid until I go back to full-time work after I just find a way to conveniently lose my stomach. It's a 1998 with 96,000 miles. Don't waste my time - I know what it's worth; I know how many were made. It's an automatic with a removable top. If you have a serious offer, lay it on me :)

IF YOU MESSAGE ME OR SEND ME AN OFFLINE JUST TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW NICELY THAT MY LIPS WOULD FIT AROUND VARIOUS PARTS OF YOUR BODY, AND YOU DON'T EVEN TELL ME THIS IN A SEXY WAY - JUST DON'T WASTE THE FINGER ENERGY. I, however, can use my finger energy any way that I want (hehe). For the love of God, start with some type of INTERESTING OPENING. How hard is this?

My mom's husband made a really bad choice and gave her carte blanche via a phone conversation when we were out today to choose his Halloween costume. He's 10 years older than her and is almost 60. She got him a pimp suit (laugh) The suit is purple leopard with a leopard-patterned hat with a lime green feather sticking out of it. She got him a ring that reads "pimp" across the knuckles. He's a little more "adult" than her (and especially me) - so I bet he just died when he saw it. Of course, she's excited (b/c she's more like me that she wants to admit) because she gets to dress all slutty to be his "lady of the night." She got a short, pleated jean skirt, red gel to spike her hair straight up, super-high red stripper shoes with little patent bows on them, huge pink dangly heart earrings, a choker, and some bangles. Add some garish make-up and a corset - and bingo, you have a hooker (stereotypical, of course...I don't want to offend any hookers :o ) I get to do her make-up and let her borrow make-up - I'm not sure if I like what that says about me (laugh) I have brighter colors though; she usually wears neutrals. She teaches an art class and dresses up for Halloween that day, and, thankfully, is going to mute it down to a goth chick. I get to do her make-up for that too Love, love, love to put make-up on people. People underestimate the power of make-up - it can totally alter your face and give you confidence or make you feel like a different person for a night. I'm such an addict :P

I've decided to be a Graveyard fairy. What is a graveyard fairy, you ask? Why, I'll tell you, of course (hehe). I so love my blog - it can't talk back ;) It's a pink fairy costume with netted black wings, black corset tie-up in the front, faux leather ruching over the hips, and then netted pink material as the skirt. I bought pink eyelashes today, light pink haircolor (I'm just going to color the very ends of my hair), and tried to find some black fishnets. Of course, plus-size fishnets are impossible to find around here. I embarrassed myself in Dillards.

My mouth:

"Where are the plus-size black hose?" (pause, I'd like to say thoughtful pause, but no...)

"H-o-s-e, not h-o-e-s"

Yeah, I really said that (laugh) It just sounded so perverted after the question came out of my mouth. She laughed - so hopefully I didn't offend her - my mother gave me bad looks for awhile (grin). She did or said things to embarrass me throughout childhood - I think it's only fair that I get to do the same now :) We were in Home Depot the other day, and we were about to ask this salesman for help and a woman customer, an older woman, came up and just reached into the pouch around his waist (and, over his crotch for that matter) and grabbed his tape measure and said she needed it - proceeding to walk off with it with promises to return it.

My mouth:

"You should be glad that she was only looking for a tape measure."

Yeah, he followed us around trying to "pretend" to find something they didn't have in the store, while my mother shot me bad looks - I probably deserved it a little - but I just can't help it :) I don't think he got out an intelligible sentence the whole 7 minutes we were around him - I have to learn how to control my mouth around strangers I have some type of problem - over the years, I'm just losing the worry about what people think about me - I'm me - if you get offended, I certainly didn't do it on purpose - it was just something that I couldn't keep from going down that slide from my brain to my mouth.

I'm in a weird mood today. I painted all of my nails a baby pink instead of the usual black, navy blue, turquoise, or sparkly blue. I got a Halloween bag of lollipops (hey, these don't make me sick - I can add these to the list...woohoo :P) and wore ponytails today. Maybe it's the pink lacy panties that I was sporting today that put me in a hyper girlie mood (grin). Damn those evil panties

I've got all the equipment (hehe) to make my solid perfumes now to see what happens. I just was so tired tonight that I didn't feel inspired. I finally got my Black Phoenix perfumes from the website - my favorites actually ended up being "Hellcat" and "Voodoo." What scents are those, you ask? Why, I'll tell you, of course...(hehe)

Hellcat: A soft, sensual, luxuriant, blend with a wicked bite: hazelnut, buttercream, honey mead, rum and sweet almond.

Voodoo: A midnight scent, evoking images of flicking golden firelight reflecting off the sheen of glistening skin and the jerking shadows of bodies suffused with spirtual ecstasy. A deep, powerful, resonant blend of myrrh, patchouli, vetiver, lime, vanilla, pine, almond and clove. .

I'm a true believer in the theory that everything you do matters. I think every little thing you do or don't do sets off some other sequence in motion, and so on. Something I do today could affect someone across the world in a month. I wish people would take more responsiblity for the things that they do and the decisions that they make.

I thought I was being funny and gave a friend a mini-test of questions about me - like what-ifs in certain situations. He got me back by asking 10 harder questions. I'm totally avoiding them, just in case you're reading this - your questions are *so* much more difficult than mine :P I tried to choose things we had talked about - you didn't :P (laugh) I've decided that you're the devil

Why would someone that you used to be intimate with and talk to, who quit contacting you, contact you MONTHS LATER and tell you that now, he's decided that he wants to be in your life in some way? I had already let him into my life - he was the one that chose not to be in it. This just baffles me and lends even more credence to my theory that most people are just selfish and nuts in general. I refuse to spend more than 30% of this blog complaing - so I'll just quit now (hehe).

"Play it smart girl, win the game love..."

Note to self now that I can change my belly button ring:

(1) Don't use body pouf in shower or bath around stomach area. Yeah, that netted little pouf caught right on my belly ring and almost pulled it out.

(2) Don't try to change belly ring in the bathtub - searching around for a tiny ball that was dropped by slippery fingers is not my idea of a good time (hehe).

(3) Make sure the towel you use to dry off with doesn't have any frayed edges or loose strings. Oh yeah, that string caught hold and pulled at it harder than the body pouf did.

I swear I felt pressured to post a new blog, because I'm tired of people messaging telling me that they think that I'm pretty because they think the picture of Sara from America's Next Top Model is me. This annoys me on so many levels. Particularly, because it's obviously just a picture posted on a blog if you look further. No one is interested and/or bright enough to read one blog to figure out that the picture is just of a haircut that I like. Most people are just looking at a profile long enough to see your picture before that person messages you. And, yes, I'm not naive - but it's annoying to have *so* many people do this to me. On a side note, I just had 4-5 inches taken off my hair. It's already longer than shoulder length again. It's interesting - I haven't had a cut that I have to actually work with again, and it's long enough still to wear it up or put it in ponytails when I don't feel like fixing it. So, I'm happy for now.

I've been stomach sick for over four months. They think it's some type of gallbladder problem, but can only promise me a 30% chance of improvement if I have surgery. I'm in the process of getting a second opinion. This is my 6th day of feeling human again, so we'll see where it goes.

I don't understand why some doctors just can't admit when they don't know what is wrong with someone. I've noticed if some doctors get to the end of their knowledge base or to the end of the tests that they know to do, that they decide whatever is wrong with you is functional and is anxiety related. This is just crazy in some cases. Personally, I don't want to go to the doctor over and over, have invasive tests over and over, not be able to do things that I love to do, and spend a fortune on a million types of medicine in some type of prescription trial and error. My ENT is awesome - even though I don't have to see him anymore, because my tonsils have been taken out - he's one of those people that researches and really thinks about his patients - it's a puzzle to him. That's how law and almost everything that I can't figure out is to me. My gastroenterologist is the opposite. He kept forgetting which tests that I had already had performed, neglected to tell me that he was going on vacation for 12 days and not give me a doctor to see in the interim, and just has no drive whatsoever to find out what is wrong. I had already left my first gastro doctor, because he wouldn't listen to his patients when they would try to talk to him. How can you figure out what is wrong if you don't listen to your patients? It at least points you in a general direction or may give you a clue to figure out the puzzle. I watch that show on the health channel sometimes - "Mystery Diagnosis" - and that's happened to so many people. At least 35% of the people on the show telling his/her story end up figuring out what was wrong themselves - usually by researching the Internet.

I hate the show Elimidate. I don't know why I watch it sometimes when I can't sleep and am flipping through channels - it's like a bad accident or an operation televised on tv - I just have to watch it for a second. I just don't understand why the girls always attack one another or vice versa. It's so silly. I would never choose someone that has to attack someone to make herself/himself look more appealing. I'd choose the person that just acted like herself/himself. I can't see myself ever "fighting" for anyone regardless. If you have to fight that hard just to get someone to look at you in comparison to other people around - that person obviously isn't taken by you anyway.

Sara's picture isn't at the top now - my job is done.

"Hey pretty, don't you wanna take a ride with me? Through my world..."

I've decided that I'm too old for a puppy. I always tell everyone that I'm not going to be one of those "older" people that listens to music from 40 years ago and drives 25 m.p.h. on highway entrance ramps - because I don't want to get "old" in my mind - but, I've decided that I'm too old for a puppy (laugh). He's running around the room at 3:47 a.m. and chasing cats and picking up anything that he can find beneath my bed. He stole my skull necklace which must have fallen off my bed when I was umm...sleeping (yeah, that's it...grin) - I bought 3 necklaces on ebay to make up for the trauma and now I feel much better (hehe). I've got another sparkly skull necklace coming to make up for the one that he stole, a yellow and green dragon, and a pink sparkly spider.

By the way, that's Chester up above. The foster family that had took care of him until he was adopted named him Chester, because he always slept on their chests at night. He doesn't really do that anymore, but he follows me around everywhere and always sleeps next to me. He's my little ham with quite a wicked streak sometimes - he'll just be calm and all of a sudden get this look in his eyes and start turning over and over and then go after someone or some pet - anything he can do to start trouble ;) Maybe I like him so much, because he's so much like his owner (grin)

This weekend was full of ups and downs...(hehe - so I'm a perv...sue me). I got to dance, which I love, flirt with trouble, and hang out with a sexy man that always makes me smile. However, I drank, which was naughty naughty bad (grin)...it's really odd that I used to not be able to drink b/c it made me stomach sick but now anything I eat makes me stomach sick but I appear to be able to drink without too much discomfort. I think my body is inside out...or, is that outside in? Something like that...(grin)

The person...that person that always has driven me crazy not only is taken now...but also has a child...ouch. How can you see someone, and he doesn't mention that? He's obviously capable of something deeper and capable of affection - he just never wanted it with me. I wish sometimes that I could cut portions of my memory out.

I was thinking today that I don't know anyone that is very similar to me personality-wise. I don't know if this means that I'm nuts...or that I'm just not drawn to people that are similar to me. Most people don't understand me - I don't try to be this way this way on purpose; I just don't think that many people care anymore about getting to know someone deeply, intensely. It's more about just getting to know you physically. I'm very intrigued by certain people. If someone interests me, I like to get to know that person somewhat or it makes me insane. I don't need to know everything, because, then I'm going to get bored - but I have to be able to put some of the pieces together. I would like to talk to someone like myself - it would be fun to see if I drive people nuts when they talk to me which seems to be the consensus (grin).

Some of the women in my mom's art world want me to start some type of promotion for their art. It would probably have to be a website. I'm not sure if I can take this on or not - a little nervous. I know, ultimately, that I can do it - it's just a ton of time because I like something to be as perfect as I can get it. Is this marking the end of my legal career? I worry about that; I've always wanted to be an attorney. I'm good at what I can do - I can find a case or some type of argument to refute or support any contention. That's just what I do - researching is my forte. It comes in handy in other areas - but, I want to use it where I love to use it. I feel like this is marking some type of milestone in my life, and I'm not sure it's going in a direction that I want it to go. I know I have to take a detour for right now, because I have more off-days stomach-wise than on days - but it's making my mind twist, turn, and worry.

When I have to get out of my warm bed and get dressed at 8 a.m., it's going to hurt...

"I saw a fool just wasting time...not leaving anything real behind."

Weird day. I had to go to the ER Monday night. My roommate/best friend found me bawling from the pain, so he made me go. My blood pressure was 192/99, because of the pain - I don't think my blood pressure has ever been that high - no wonder I had a freaking headache too. I'm sick of going frankly. They always treat it differently. I received a Reglan and Pepcid injection and the infamous G.I. cocktail. I felt better actually; I fell asleep for 2 hours there. The Reglan is the evil medicine with the scary side effects that everyone wants me to take. I took one today; I don't really notice a difference yet. I felt pretty bad today.

On a lighter and happier note, I totally sold one of my mom's paintings off of her website for $1080 (we gave the women a discount since we wouldn't have to take out 40% gallery fees). Very excited - not only do I get a large cut of this amount, this was sold to someone overseas so now I can add to my mom's bio that she has sold paintings internationally in addition to nationally and locally. I never miss a plug to my mom's website - she's awesome: www.amyhillimler.com. We're trying to break into ebay to see what happens. I have one of her paintings listed right now, and we're going to try some collages at a low price for the holidays and see what happens. It looks like I'm becoming her business manager. At least my brain is being put to some use while my doctors don't lose any sleep for why my stomach hurts and my stomach acid is going crazy 24/7.

I have a new puppy. Like I needed a new pet (hehe...no, I don't mean it that way - I live in a freaking zoo without bars). My roommate rescued a puppy and brought him home - he's part chow. He appears to be fairly smart but wakes me up around 6:00 a.m. by pulling my hair with his teeth and biting my ears (the puppy not my roommate ). The little freak has SIX toes on each of his back paws. It's so gross - when he sleeps on his side he stretches out all of his toes and I just can't look at it...(laugh) He has been named "Six" accordingly

I've decided that I'm really sick of cowards. I can't stand people that can't or won't own up to things that they've done in the past. If you've done something cruel or indifferent and you want to come back around the person you've been cruel or indifferent to, just own up to it - say you're sorry - acknowledge it. You can't fix everything bad you've done in your life, but at least you can ADMIT to it or the fact that it happened. Cowards are the most patethic creatures in the world.

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy - I tried so hard not to - already hooked. The last show where the main character kept being described as "dark and twisty" inside made me think. I suppose I do have a "dark and twisty" side - that's not all that I am, but it's a side that people don't usually try to discover or pay attention to. I'm sure most people have some part of their personality or past that is like this - no idea.

I'm *so* addicted to a cult perfume oil company that I hadn't heard of until recently. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab has "dark" perfume oils that are a little wicked and have myths/stories to go along with almost every perfume. Some are shorter descriptions; some are lengthier legends. If you're a chickie, I'd really recommend these - they are perfume oils and just awesome. They actually do have unisex scents, such as scents that are more "smoke and fire" based. When you first put one on, it will smell one way and you can come back and smell your wrist (or, wherever you put it...hehe) later, and the scent has slightly altered itself because of your particular body chemistry. They last *forever* - I've put some on in the afternoon, and the next morning I could still smell it on me even after a bath. The Lab is madly popular, so orders are taking up to a month to ship out since each oil is made when ordered. I'm going crazy waiting (what the hell is patience anyway?). I've ordered some off of ebay, because I'm so impatient (grin) My favorite so far is 13 which is a mixure of basically mandarin and white chocolate. The description for this one is as follows (and, of course, is borrowed from the website, so I'll plug them too....this is starting to sound dirty....hehe. www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com )

Thirteen:

In our paean to all the mysteries surrounding this enigmatic number, there are thirteen lucky and unlucky components, including white chocolate, tangerine, currant, mandarin, white tea and iris.

13 is significant, whether you consider it lucky, unlucky or just plain odd. Many believe it to be unfortunate…

… because there were 13 present at the Last Supper.
… Loki crashed a party of 12 at Valhalla, which ended in Baldur’s death.
… Oinomaos killed 13 of Hippodamia’s suitors before Pelops finally, in his own shady way, defeated the jealous king.
… In ancient Rome, Hecate’s witches gathered in groups of 12, the Goddess herself being the 13th in the coven.

Concern over the number thirteen echoes back beyond the Christian era. Line 13 was omitted form the Code of Hammurabi.

The shivers over Friday the 13th also have some interesting origins:

… Christ was allegedly crucified on Friday the 13th.
… On Friday, October 13, 1307, King Philip IV of France ordered the arrests of Jaques de Molay, Grand Master of the Knights Templar, and sixty of his senior knights.
… In British custom, hangings were held on Fridays, and there were 13 steps on the gallows leading to the noose.

To combat the superstition, Robert Ingersoll and the Thirteen Club held thirteen-men dinners during the 19th Century. Successful? Hardly. The number still invokes trepidation to this day. A recent whimsical little serial killer study showed that the following murderers all have names that total thirteen letters:

Theodore Bundy
Jeffrey Dahmer
Albert De Salvo
John Wayne Gacy

And, with a little stretch of the imagination, you can also fit ‘Jack the Ripper’ and ‘Charles Manson’ into that equation.

More current-era paranoia: modern schoolchildren stop their memorization of the multiplication tables at 12. There were 13 Plutonium slugs in the atomic bomb that was dropped on Nagasaki. Apollo 13 wasn’t exactly the most successful space mission. All of these are things that modern triskaidekaphobes point to when justifying their fears.

For some, 13 is an extremely fortuitous and auspicious number…

… In Jewish tradition, God has 13 Attributes of Mercy. Also, there were 13 tribes of Israel, 13 principles of Jewish faith, and 13 is considered the age of maturity.
… The ancient Egyptians believed that there were 12 stages of spiritual achievement in this lifetime, and a 13th beyond death.
… The word for thirteen, in Chinese, sounds much like the word which means "must be alive".

Thirteen, whether you love it or loathe it, is a pretty cool number all around.

… In some theories of relativity, there are 13 dimensions.
… It is a prime number, lucky number, star number, Wilson Prime, and Fibonacci number.
… There are 13 Archimedean solids.

AND…
… There were 13 original colonies when the United States were founded.

Says a lot about the US, doesn’t it?

In our paean to all the mysteries surrounding this enigmatic number, there are thirteen lucky and unlucky components, including white chocolate, tangerine, currant, mandarin, white tea and iris.

I'm most excited about getting these 2 scents:

Gluttony (oh, leave me alone...laugh): Thick, sugared and bloated with sweetness. Dark chocolate, vanilla, buttercream, and hops with pralines, hazelnut, toffee and caramel.

Jailbait (I'm not...don't ask :P): Innocence defiled. Sticky pink bubblegum and the thick, sweet scent of orange and cherry lollipops smeared over a breath of heady womanly perfume.

I need to make the second one my theme song or something (hehe). That pretty much sums me up on most days

I'm going to try my hand at making my own perfume oils and solid perfumes. My mom purchased a book for me, and I've ordered the carrier oils and beeswax and some essential oils. We'll see what happens

The Black Phoenix oils have to be stored in a dark, cold place, and since I can't store them in the hearts of some people that I've known in the past, I'm painting an old, wooden, antique silverware box that my mom gave me to store them in. It's going to be an antiqued beige with a dragon painted on it, I believe. I may add a woman either holding a chained dragon or a woman riding a flying dragon. Stay tuned (grin).