"If I could reach the stars...I'd give them all to you."

I’m so behind right now, that I’m not even sure where to begin – I hate this lost feeling. I’ve never really had this feeling – not counting the times that I’ve been sick with no explanation. I was healing fairly normally from my surgery and even had 5 days where I had very little pain – just a little twinge in my belly button – and then I developed a severe pain on my right side. I ended up back in the ER – they think that a stone was missed – so, I either have to somehow pass it (what? Do I talk it out of me?) or it would have to be surgically removed if the pain doesn’t subside. The pain is subsiding – the sharp pain on that side – but, I just feel generally bad. I had 5 days where I was totally back to normal – going out with my mom – applying for jobs – my energy level was going back up – shopping – trying on clothes – and, then I was hit out the blue.

I have to find a job. I have to find something, anything – just until I can find another legal job – I’m so behind though – I’m over a year behind everyone else now, because no one could tell me that it was my gallbladder that was causing all of my pain – every single day. I spent a year of my life, with brief intermissions, basically in bed – in pain. I’m so angry. I’m angry at the gastroenterologist that told my mom, the one that was helping me – taking me to all of the doctor visits, helping me financially, that it was all in my HEAD. He told her that it was just something that I was going to have to learn to live with – funny, that he exhausted all of the abdominal tests except for the TWO that would have alerted him to the fact that I had gallbladder stones – either an ultrasound or an abdominal catscan. Some people in my life are trying to talk me into filing suit against him – for the negligence in diagnosing me – I went through months of unnecessary pain, because he didn’t have the correct tests ordered. Even my family doctor knew the whole time that it was gallbladder. The first question the surgeon asked when I went to his office was did I have an abdominal ultrasound. My family doctor basically diagnosed me and suggested to me that I go back to my previous gastroenterologist and ask him to repeat the HIDA gallbladder scan to recheck my gallbladder function. If I wouldn’t have pushed ahead and gone back to my family doctor again and again and then went back to the gastroenterologist I was seeing before the one that gave up on me – I would never have known until my gallbladder ruptured. It just shouldn’t have to be that hard to find out what is wrong with you when it’s so simple of a problem. Millions of people have gallbladder problems.

I’m trying to find a writing job – I keep applying for jobs at the newspaper but receive no response – writing obituaries or editing copy – I would be good at any of that – and I am an English major not to mention all of the writing experience from 5 years of legal work. I have no idea how people get into the writing jobs – at magazines, newspapers – they just aren’t readily advertised. I just want to write.

I was reading a bio about one of the newer artists that I really like – and she’s only 25 and already has sold thousands of dollars of her work and has sold her designs to Hot Topic and numerous other “gothic” style stores and is putting out her own book with her art in it. What is wrong with me? Why am I not good at anything? I don’t know what to put my energy into – what energy I currently have – the only thing I seem to be truly good at is shopping. You can’t just find personal shopper jobs either. They aren’t even advertised. I’m making another website for one of my mom’s art students. This woman is very nice versus the other woman that was obnoxious when I helped her purchase and set up a new computer for her artwork – so this time it should go ok. I’m apprehensive though. I feel so much envy that it almost turns into resentment toward people that are successful now – whether I know if they had to struggle to get there or not. I know it’s not right – I know it’s not a rational feeling – it’s just there. I guess I’m just mad at life in general – b/c I was blind-sighted by this stupid stomach thing that started in 2000 and escalated until it got to how bad it was the last year. Success-wise – I was moving at the speed that I wanted until the stomach problems started. I had to postpone the first Bar exam that I was scheduled for, because of extreme stomach distress (that’s when I was first diagnosed with IBS). So, that postponed my future about six months – and, then I wasn’t “newly” graduated and most of the new jobs had been taken by students that graduated when I did. It just sucks – and I’m mad and there isn’t any way to fix it – but I’m still mad. I just don’t know how I can ever catch up. I guess I’m annoyed, because things just fell so easily to some people – I know people that haven’t ever really struggled – didn’t even really try – and they have good jobs and are happy and don’t have to worry about bills all of the time. And, I’ve tried over and over and bad things just keep happening. I just don’t know where to go from here, and I hate this feeling. But, I have to come up with something.

"Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud..."

I’m feeling a little bit better. I can get out of bed now without rolling out on my side, crying, and being wracked by the chills and chattering teeth. I really don’t get why people think this surgery is so easy – I’ve read other peoples’ posts on forums, and they are all talking about friends that brag about going to Starbucks the day after surgery – but that they are confused b/c they are in so much pain. Some idiot started this rumor. Probably, a boss that wanted an employee to come back to work a day after surgery. I'd like to find whomever started this rumor and kick the person and then run away (hehe). I’m down to 2-3 pain pills a day instead of 4-5. I actually had 2 small meals today instead of the one a day I’ve had since surgery. I feel kind of bad tonight; I overdid it a little. I wanted to go out and try to shop a little but getting in and out of the car is fairly painful right now. Plus, all the rain is not making things easier. Let’s not even talk about the ITCHING. Oh my god, it itches. It itches right now – it’s killing me – I want to scratch so badly.

I found another perfume oil website (hangs head in shame). The link is here: http://www.femaledictions.com/. I ordered (you knew I ordered some…don’t look at me like that…sticks out tongue):

Espionage: Black Vanilla Beans, Black Sandalwood, and Blackened Woods. “Can you be more well disguised?”

Charm Her: Raspberries and Roses slathered in a double coating of rich milk chocolate. “Make her one of us…”

Forked Tongue: Sugared cinnamon and various abominations. Smells like the “Red Hots” candy tastes! “Hot Stuff!”

Jugular: Cherries, Vanilla, and Muscadine Grapes. “Red and Purple spatter…”

This site is a little hard to navigate – I got irritated. But, I love the scent descriptions – a little wicked – just like me

I’m really annoyed with lots of people that didn’t give a crap that I’ve been going through a great deal of pain. I’m so disappointed in so many people. It’s just time to weed out the people that I interact with again. I wish people that message me would just READ ONE OF MY BLOG ENTRIES. People keep messaging me and typing dirty things or asking me if I’ve been out “partying.” No, I have not been anywhere but in bed and crawling out of bed when I absolutely have to pee – that’s been basically it. This whole topic is just making me mad, so I’m going to stop now.

My mom bought me a ton of groceries, and my brother has been calling to check on me everyday. My best friend has been helping immensely except for one night – he drank and he’s not supposed to be drinking – and it was a really bad night. It was the 2^nd night of healing, and I really needed help (I still have to keep an ice pad on my stomach, so that I can sleep – the twinges of pain and general aching are helped a lot by ice). My blood pressure has been super low – usually it’s not – and I tried to call my surgeon and let him know and he kept focusing on the fact that I take 2 separate blood pressure medicines (sometimes alternating b/c my dr hasn’t found one that doesn’t have bad side effects and is effective at controlling my blood pressure) instead of focusing on the whole reason that I called which is b/c my blood pressure is LOW. I’m not even taking my blood pressure medicine, and it’s low – that worries me. I’m supposed to contact my family dr on Monday – what a big help – I could be bleeding internally and he’s not concerned.

I’m really worried about the scarring/wounds. My stomach is a mess – I’m a mess – my hands are severely bruised from all the attempts to get the I.V. in and I have four spots plus my belly button that are incisions. These are going to take a year to heal; I look awful

I’ve started swapping with fellow Black Phoenix perfume oil lovers – this is pretty cool – I can trade the ones I hate for ones that someone else hates that I may love – this rocks

"She paints her eyes as black as night now...She pulls those shades down tight..."

I'm going to spank anyone that told me that this surgery wasn't that difficult. I woke up just crying in pain - the poor nurse didn't know what to do, because he had maxed me out on the dosage of morphine that he could administer. I just kept saying oh, god and begging him to help me - I feel bad now - but that was the worst pain that I have ever felt and it just wouldn't stop. This was so much worse than my tonsillectomy. What made it worse is that they thought my gallbladder just wasn't functioning, but not only was it not functioning, I had a lot of tiny gravel-like stones also that they didn't discover until they had the camera inside of me. So, I ended up with an extra incision below my breasts where they had to inject a dye and flush all of the stones out. Supposedly, I am now stone and gallladder free. My stomach looks awful - it's blue in a lot of places, swollen, scabs, glue sticking the incisions together - it's just gross. They told me to arrive at 5:45 a.m. instead of 6:30 a.m., because they had told me there was a cancellation; however, I spent that entire time just sitting in the waiting room. I was really nervous by the time I got back there. Then, I got to the back and the first nurse was super nice but I glanced at her name tag and it read "new employee." This wouldn't really bother people with *normal* veins; however, I have very small veins that virtually disappear when I'm cold and/or scared. I've had a nurse try to get an I.V. in 5 times before they finally got a head nurse to do it. I tried to very nicely warn the nurse that my veins are very hard to get an I.V. into, but she wouldn't listen and failed at the first attempt. She went to get the next nurse, and he promised to just stick me once (no pun intended...ugh), and he got the I.V. in but it wouldn't run. Thus, a THIRD attempt at an I.V. This time he numbed my other hand with lidocaine (another stick) and then got the I.V. in - I was pretty upset at this point. I don't like needles (I know I have tattoos, but it's just not the same thing). One assistant was super nice and kept rubbing my shoulder while I was bawling.

I'll never forget the pain that I woke up to though - never - and I hope there isn't pain worst than that - b/c I was given all the pain medicine that they could give me. The nurse told me that the amount of pain medicine that I was administered would usually knock someone into a coma-like state. Of course, this scared me b/c he mentioned something about normal people wouldn't even be able to breathe with that amount of morphine, and the one thing you should never tell me is any story about breathing problems. I have a lot of anxiety about not being able to breathe. Once the morphine had gotten the pain down from a 10 on the pain scale to a 7, I started teasing the nurse about how I was fine until he mentioned that some people wouldn't be able to breathe on that amount of pain medicine. I kept teasing him - b/c he was one of those people that I could tell was a smart ass and a "distancer," until I finally broke him and got him to smile. I'm apparently witty on morphine - who knew? When he finally wheeled me to my mom's car, he finally made a sarcastic, teasing comment back to me - and, I told him - see, I knew that he would miss me when I was gone ;)

So, I ended up with 3 valium injections, one Versed injection (causes temporary amnesia), an antibiotic injection, an acid medicine injection, and an ungodly amount of morphine. I wasn't feeling quite right when I got home - how I still felt anxious I'll never know. I kept drifting in and out and then waking up feeling like I couldn't breathe. It's just amazing pain, because you don't realize how many activities require your stomach muscles. The most difficult part is getting out of bed and getting to the bathroom. I've been trying to sit up a little and walk around but it pulls at the incisions so badly. I woke up every 2 hours last night, and then would have to wait another hour to take pain medication. Hopefully, today will be better - I'm keeping my fingers crossed. At least my mind seems lucid. People that tell you that gallbladder surgery doesn't hurt are just on crack. Don't listen to them.

People surprised and disappointed me before my surgery. Some of the most unexpected people were really supportive of me and then some people that I thought were friends - didn't even really contact me. I guess this is a good way to see who cares and who doesn't. Although, I know sometimes people don't know what to say - but saying something is better than saying nothing.

"Cuz I'm tired of whys, choking on whys, just need a little because, because..."

Ugh...10 hours until my surgery. I am not a happy camper. I've been awake since about 2 a.m. *last* night - since I can't sleep. I wasn't supposed to be at the hospital until 6:30 a.m., but the hospital called this morning and told me that they had a cancellation and now I have to be there at 5:45 a.m. Good god that's early. I don't want the scars. I don't want to have the 50% chance that it won't even help the constant lump in my throat from acid swelling my esophagus. And, yes, I'm being a big baby and whining. I was hoping that I could do some fun things this week like go out shopping and see a movie, but I was so nauseous and sick this week that I couldn't do anything but lie in bed and wait until the surgery.

When the woman called from my surgeon's office and told me that they were moving my surgery to an earlier time, I tried to be positive and funny.

Me: "Is it ok to have surgery that early - is the surgeon going to drink a lot of coffee?"

Her: "You can't drink coffee! You can't have anything before the surgery after midnight the night before."

Me: "No, I meant the surgeon - I was hoping he would have lots of coffee to make sure he's awake and ready to do my surgery."

My attempt at humor obviously failed; she had absolutely no sense of humor. You would think she could have at least faked a laugh when calling someone about a surgery that person is having the next day. She would have to know that a person would be nervous. I know you're supposed to "distance" yourself, but patients are still people and she could have least faked that she cared. Ugh, again.

On the upside, my brother is being super sweet and took me out to get a flexible acrylic belly ring to put in right when I get home tomorrow - trying to save my piercing so it doesn't close up. I really don't want to go through it again. Besides, if I wear dangly belly rings - it will cover one of the scars :P My brother snuck and bought me a gift card for Subway, so that I could eat Subway while I'm recovering. Sandwiches are the only thing the past few weeks that don't hurt my stomach very much - so I've eaten a million Subway sandwiches. I feel like Jarod without the penis, tons of money, and free Subway for life.

My best friend/roommate has been a trooper too - he totally cleaned my bedroom and my bathrooms and all of my comforters, pillowcases - so at least I have a clean room to come home to.

I can't wear eye make-up - I'm assuming that's b/c they tape your eyelids. You can't wear nailpolish on your fingernails - I looked this up and it helps clue them in if you're not getting enough oxygen. I hated my first ENT (my first tonsillectomy surgery fell through due to the fact that she tried to keep me waiting in pre-op for over 4 hours and then went to lunch) - I painted my fingernails bright blue on purpose just to be a smart ass. Yes, little things give me pleasure (no pun intended...hehe). Hopefully, I can get some sleep and hopefully I wake up tomorrow :P Until then...

"I will break into your thoughts with what's written on my heart..."

I’m so very sick tonight. The nausea is unbearable and overwhelming. I’ve taken all the medications that I can to try to help. I had to be taken to the ER last night (yes, again), because of the nausea and pain. I felt ok tonight until about dinnertime when I tried to eat clear broth and jello and was sick an hour later. The ER doctor told me to try a clear liquid diet for 2 days – obviously, it’s not helping. I have severe cramping, dizziness, a lump in my throat from the acid reflux, and burning in my back and stomach. It’s weird that 5 days can seem so far away. I had a 3 week reprieve – not questioning it – just accepted it and then it came back just as bad as it was in the very beginning. The three weeks where I didn’t feel as badly – I started wondering if I needed the surgery – whether it would go away on its own (it wasn’t all the way gone and still didn’t have as much energy as usual but it was so much better – solid food and at least 2 meals a day). Unfortunately, I have my answer now as to whether I really need surgery.

I’ve been trying to keep my mind off of things through retail therapy. I’ve made it through 75% of my gift certificates, and I’ve bought more Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab oils than I can ever wear. I have so many coming that it’s not even funny – the most anticipated:

Bon Vivant: An effervescent blend of crystalline champagne notes and sweet strawberry.

The Candy Butcher: An exquisite, enigmatic woman sidles up to you, bearing a tray of strange, dusty curious, chocolate creatures, serpentine taffy, and candied skulls. Her skin is dusky, her eyes are heavy-lidded and sensual, her hair is the fine, soft white of spun sugar, and her skin is softly scented with cocoa. She holds a shrunken head aloft, and beckons. Dark chocolate with a heavy cream undertone.

Pink Phoenix: Silliness in the extreme. Vanilla bean, honeycomb, sugared pear, sweet pea and a dribble of strawberry.

I’ve also accidentally ran into another perfume oil website (damnit damnit damnit) called woobie and ordered a sample set (a bargain actually compared to BPAL – only $6 for 5 sample scents in vials and shipping was only .50) This site can be found here (http://www.woobiebath.com/facialcare.htm) – my opinion on these oils is pending receipt of course :D I ordered:

Pink Sugar Cloud - Sugary lemon drops and pink cotton candy, a dash of fruity light floral, red fruit, fig leaves, caramel and raspberry candy with soft and sweet vanilla-musk base

Sugar Cloud - (Also affectionately known as "Sugar Crack", thanks to Dana) A favorite! Everyone seems to love this scent in the Sugar Cloud Soap, so here you go. Now you can lotion up with it, wash with it, or soak in it. A Sugared Vanilla scent. Light and fluffy like a Sugar Cloud

Passionate - This fragrance begins with top notes of raspberry, blackberry, and fresh strawberries. Followed by mid notes of coconut milk and freshly picked roses. Ending in bottom notes of Egyptian vanilla and amber musk.

Bite Me - This scent is quite unique and gorgeous. Rich tropical fruit notes, delicate fresh green apples perfectly blended with refreshing honeydew and spicy pear notes, then topped off with sweet, yet fresh lightly fruity melons, peaches, and more... If you like a clean, fresh, fruity scent, you will love this one! Makes a wonderful lotion scent!!

Magic - Mmmm...Sandalwood & ylang ylang, with a quick top note of patchouli. Touched with notes of baby powder and vanilla.

My satellite service and dvr will be turned back on tomorrow :D I’m very happy about this – I didn’t realize how much I watched tv while I’ve been sick until it was not available to watch. I’m not sure if I have any deep thoughts tonight. My head is slightly dizzy from the nausea medication. I had a lot of fun on NYE; I only got in a tiny bit of trouble (hehe). I, of course, have been ordered to sell my house by my mother’s husband since she reinstated my mortgage. I’m supposed to get it listed right now, but I just don’t have the energy to clean up currently. I can’t even get up right now without my stomach heaving and my head spinning; hopefully, I will start getting back to my normal self after surgery. I simply can’t take this anymore. My mom is sympathetic and understands that I can’t possibly list the house before surgery; my mother’s husband is being pushy and not even trying to understand. If he had to live with me, he’d understand. You don’t fake pain when you could be doing something fun, naughty, or exciting :P

I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions. Personally, I try to make resolutions or decide to do something positive throughout the year when it arises – I’ve never really been a fan of New Years’ resolutions (I understand that they work for some people just not me). A new year can start any time that you want in your life; it doesn’t necessarily start on the same day for everyone.