"I may be soft in your palm, but I'll soon grow hungry for a fight and I will not let you win..."

I've been in such strange moods - I'm having such a hard time keeping my spirits up. I can't stand waiting for the surgery (although, I don't mind getting into all the trouble I can until then...hehe). I just want to get it over with - I made a list today of things that make me smile to try to stay positive.

Things that make me smile:

(1) The sound of one of my pugs snoring

(2) Lingering in bed on a rainy, dark day

(3) Good sex

(4) Reminiscing about good sex

(5) The sound of a purring cat (no pun intended…hehe)

(6) A warm bed in the winter or a cool pillow in the summer

(7) An amazing kiss that you just don’t want to end

(8) Someone being goofy and trying to make me laugh or cheer me up

(9) Playing music loudly

(10) A funny movie

(11) Buying and wearing a new outfit, new lingerie, new make-up…you get the idea…(grin)

(12) Surprises

(13) Flirting with a talented flirt

(14) Making horrible puns

(15) A painting that just goes right

(16) Discovering a new perfume or shower gel that I love and smelling wherever that I applied it (My newest favorite is Black Phoenix Alchemy's perfume oil in "Eden" - the description is following:

At the center of the Garden of Eden stands the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Though modern interpretations of the Bible claim that it was an apple that the Serpent of the Tree offered to Eve, it is widely believed that the true Fruit of True Knowledge was, in fact, a fig. This oil contains the innocence of the Garden, coupled with the Truth and Erudition found in the fruit of the Tree of Evil: fig leaf, fig fruit, honeyed almond milk, toasted coconut and sandalwood

(17) A conversation that just flows without any lapses

(18) Saying something wicked that I shouldn’t and getting a reaction

(19) Making someone blush or someone making me blush

(20) A unexpected compliment

(21) A hot bath

(22) Having a few moments where I'm not worried about anything

(23) "Racing" someone in my car and not chickening out before he does

(24) Wandering around the house completely naked except for bunny slippers

(25) Making someone else smile

"I said the tables will be turned around boy..."

It’s weird having Christmas early. I don’t like it. Everyone is rushing around, and there are commercials on television about hurrying to grab the last-minute gifts – and, I am just done. Everything is wrapped and unwrapped; everything is over. Christmas Day will just be an inconvenience because everything will be closed. And, then I get mad at myself for whining and complaining about petty, meaningless things when other people are suffering.

I did go out to get two more gifts tonight and went to Dillards to get cologne on my list. Two people cut in front of me. I said something the 2^nd time but was just ignored. I hate when people do that – if there was anywhere else convenient that I could have purchased it, I would have left. I am always so careful about not taking someone else’s turn to be helped. I think that is so inconsiderate to do that. So many people are so selfish now – it’s all about them and how important their time is – other peoples’ time is just as important. It’s just a general lack of respect for people in general – it’s getting worse or I’m noticing it more.

On the upside, I do have lots of new presents. I think I received about 4 gift certificates (Kroger, Fashion Bug, Park Plaza, and Wal-mart), so I can go out and do some shopping this coming week. I had Tyler candles on my list which are these amazing soy candles that smell so good that I’ve been addicted to them for years (big surprise, huh?) and I ended up with 5 of them – I have absolutely no problem with this (grin). I received warm cinnamon, holiday (cranberry and orange scented), sugarbaby (sugar and vanilla scented), Tyler (kind of an ivy Christmas-like scent), and Glamtastic (blackberry over a layer of vanilla). I really didn’t think I’d like the original “Tyler” scent, but once it started burning – I decided that I really like it – I had to look up what was in it:

Bursting with the medley of currant and grapefruit. A dash of green undertones adds an opulent twist! Firmly grounded with confidence! Candle color Camilla Sage.

I also received an artist-made fairy that I can hang from my ceiling, artist-made cat perfume bottle, Black Phoenix oils, gift certificate for a dentist appointment, monkey slippers, shower-gel base, an alligator ornament with a “boa” around its neck carrying shopping bags, a black slinky dress with sequins at the bust, a shirt with a built-in necklace, a pay-as-you-go phone with 1000 minutes, shower gels, belly rings (a butterfly and a skull), two movies (My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Step Up), a sparkly cat necklace, and a fragrance burning lamp. I’m forgetting things – my whole family always goes overboard on Christmas, but this year I think everyone felt especially bad because Christmas was moved and weird. My brother even got angry toward the date (he *never* gets mad), because my mom was supposed to leave the day after Christmas and her husband decided they were leaving that afternoon thus rushing the day. He fell over once trying to rush out of the house and knocked over a gift my brother got my mom and broke a bunch of votives in it. I found out later that they were rushing to pick up his granddaughter from the school bus that drops her off minutes from her house while his grandson is having a small surgery for a “bone spur” type thing – like the kid didn’t have any friends she could go home with or anything – this is crap – just a bullshit excuse. I had to move my surgery two weeks from now, because there isn’t anyone that can watch me the day of, so they can rush up to Chicago where his grandson has a million people that can watch him.

Thus, I can’t have surgery now until January 10, 2007. My mother’s husband extended their “vacation” another 6 days past what was planned, so she isn’t back to until the 3^rd, and my brother is out of vacation days. The next surgery day my surgeon had open after the 3^rd was the 10^th. I hate just sitting here waiting. Another 20 days of pain and fear. If everything was “normal” this year, I would have already been healing from surgery that occurred last Wednesday or had it scheduled for this coming Wednesday. Don’t even get me started on the fact that I have to remove my belly ring for the surgery which will close it :( My brother promised to get it re-pierced for me – he went to the appointment with me and felt bad.

My “6” key on my laptop broke – I wonder if this means something – I’m glad that I am not a superstitious person (hehe). What if I need to type in Satan’s address or something? Or his next door neighbor’s address? (667) (hehe – can’t take credit – saw it on a t-shirt) Of course I’m kidding, I’m only religious during sex (oh, god oh god…hehe), and I’m not anti-religion.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

"Baby, it's cold outside..."

I'm still annoyed about celebrating Christmas early. I hate having it moved around for others' convenience so they can get out of here for Christmas. It's really making me pissy about Christmas. I'm getting pissy just in general, because I'm tired of waiting for the appointment with my surgeon - it's this Tuesday. I tried to get an earlier appointment for weeks and couldn't - I just want to get this over with. I had to be taken to the ER again last night for pain - apparently, if you go into the ER in tears - go to your knees b/c you have to double over because it feels like a hand is inside the middle of your body twisting your insides - you get taken right back - who knew? More blood tests, x-rays, pain medication injection and go home and wait for surgery - at least this time there is some type of potential "end" in sight.

Due to the fact that my mother decided to just move Christmas, I'm not sure if I'm going to get everything in the mail on time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I get everyone in my family a funny t-shirt every year. I ordered my brother's t-shirt off of a website that I always get his from, and they waited 5 days to e-mail me and basically tell me the shirt was out of stock, my order was canceled, and here's my refund - merry freaking Christmas. They didn't even offer to let me pick another shirt with expedited shipping at their expense - it's too late to not have to pay 2 day shipping now since the whole let's move Christmas b/c it's more convenient for 2 people out of 6 thing. I ordered him another t-shirt and had to pay $13 just to get it in time. These are the shirts:

Mother's T-shirt: The shirt has 2 paint splatters where the boobs are and reads "AR TITS" - my mom' s an artist - that one cracks me up :D

Sister-in-Law's T-shirt: It reads across the breasts - "no, I'm not interested, I'm just cold" - she gets mad at me b/c I mess w/her all the time b/c she wears thin shirts and she obviously gets cold a lot - it's probably repressed jealousy b/c I always wanted perky ones (hehe)

Stepfather's T-shirt: There's a snake with a knot in his tail - it reads "A Reptile Dysfunction" - I love bad puns :D

Brother's T-shirt #1 (that was canceled) It had an eye with a "teardrop" and it read "swallow...or it's going in your eye." (laugh) Yeah, we all have sick senses of humor.

Brother's T-shirt #2: "Ask me about my explosive diarrhea." My brother always has to run to the bathroom right after he eats - he jokes about it all the time about whether a bowel movement is a "one-flusher" or "two-flusher" - can you imagine what it was like growing up in my household?

I also got my brother a package of band-aids that look just like strips of bacon: http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=1224

Hilarious. My brother's gifts are always the most fun - I also got him a license plate holder that is red l.e.d. on the bottom and scrolls 5 different programmable messages when you hit the brakes. Hopefully, he won't get arrested for what he chooses as messages. The most evil thing is a rubberband gun - not a "kiddie" one but an adult, stretch that baby out as far as you can, gun - hopefully, since I gave it - I won't get hit by it :P Someone will - can't wait (hehe). The rest of the gifts for everyone are vanilla but still are good picks - I just won't bore you with them here - hell, you didn't even make it this far anyway.

I lost a friend tonight. You know who you are. We've talked extensively online and on the phone, but I haven't had a chance to meet him simply because I'm hesitant about traveling right now b/c of my stomach unless someone is with me in the car. I just wanted to send him a card and a handmade ornament (my mom and I made ornaments this year with swirled paint in them - they rock and they are signed). He wouldn't let me and really didn't offer a good explanation as to why - "our mail goes to the wrong address sometimes" - so? It' s a Christmas card and an ornament - it's not PORN. He already has my address; he looked it up. I give up on understanding people; people are nuts.

"A voyeur with wings flashes a cure..."

Well, I finally got my gallbladder scan results back after almost THIRTY days (how annoying is that?), and I failed. The first test that I've ever been glad that I did poorly on - I finally, finally know what's wrong with my stomach. My ejection fraction went from 34% (37% is normal) down to 15% in two-months. So, my gallbladder is packing its bags and should be taken out the first or second week of January (good riddance you evil bastard ). It's weird having something inside of you that you know is dying. I kept hoping it would come back a little decreased just so that my doctor could see a trend that it was getting worse - I had no idea that it would come back with as poor of function as it did though. I was starting to feel a little crazy. You tell people that you're sick and can hardly move and that you can't eat anything and have to plan events at least 12 hours in advance, so that you can make sure there isn't any food in your system so you won't feel bad - but no one, except for the people you live with, can see any outward signs. People just have a tendency to not believe you. Especially, if you need financial help from anyone - family members really. So, now it was my fault that I quit my job and got myself into this situation but the past 10 months haven't been 100% my fault. I couldn't fight this by myself. It wasn't until 2 months ago that they finally found a combination of medications and pain pills to take when needed to allow for me to be able even to moderately function. I'm still not myself. Every time I got into a car, I would worry if I was close to a hospital or worry that I would get sick while I was out. When I would get sick, I would really get sick - the acid would crawl its way into my throat and cause it to swell and feel like I had someone choking me and my stomach would cramp so badly that I would have to double over to deal with the pain (I lost you at double over didn't I, you big pervs...hehe).

I am officially only as crazy as I ever was previously (hehe). I can deal with normal crazy; I just didn't want to deal with straight jacket crazy (those would be so restricting - just imagine all the things you couldn't do ) I think I cried for 2 hours after the nurse told me on Tuesday. I just didn't know what I felt. Now, I'm scared of course - I've only ever had a tonsillectomy. I've never had to stay in the hospital. I've never had a surgery over 29 minutes which is the amount of time it took my ENT to take out my tonsils. Hopefully, they can perform it laproscopically which will leave me with 4 very small incisions that can be covered with band-aids versus a 4-inch incision which will leave a large scar. Not that I go around showing strangers my stomach on a daily basis - but the latter surgery requires a longer hospital stay and a longer recovery time. I read online that the 4-inch incision is only done in emergent situations or if your gallbladder is too swollen to extract laproscopically (or if you have abdominal girth in a location where it's hard to tell what is being removed...I may be screwed here...hehe...thank god they aren't operating near my boobs...laughing).

Bearing that I make it through the surgery and recovery without a flaw, I wonder how it's going to be after. Is this going to fix everything? I've been stomach sick off/on since the end of law school 6 years ago - was it my gallbladder the entire time? This experience has really changed my personality and my outlook in life - can I get it back? I have a million concerns. I really just want to get the awful thing out of me and heal and get back to normal and start anew. I want a chance to be a "normal" person where I'm not sick every other day. I have a lot of things to catch up on - fun-wise, career-wise - I'm excited and scared.

Some people close to me and a few of my doctors didn't believe that I was sick. My first gastroenterologist finally just told me that it was basically in my head and anxiety-based. My mom had a hard time believing me, because my dad had stomach problems and my grandmother had stomach problems - and my whole family has anxiety issues. I kept trying to tell everyone how sick I was - I literally had multiple days that I did not make it out of the house or out of bed even. I love to go to movies, go shopping, go out dancing - didn't people realize how weird it was that I didn't even leave the house to do these things frequently? I haven't eaten in a restaurant for 10 months - I used to go 2 times a week. It's awful to be sick but even more awful to feel like you have to prove that you are sick. I went to the ER one night because I was feeling so awful and the pain pills weren't making a dent - they gave me the usual G.I. cocktail and a pain medicine injection but no one said hey, hope you find out what this is or hey, hope you feel better. This other woman had sprained her ankle and people were all over her - nurses, hospital staff - as she was leaving - telling her that they hoped she felt better soon. Just because they could see a hairline fracture on her x-ray, she garnered more compassion than everyone else in the ER? She knew what was wrong - she would go home and steadily get better. A lot of the people in the ER are the "lost" people - the ones where someone can't figure out what is wrong or can't heal it. This really bothers me.

My family doctor was so excited when I went to see him this week; he is the one that recommended that I have a second gallbladder scan - he knew what it was the whole time. For anyone reading this who is sick, don't let others tell you that you aren't - you know your body - if you're sick, you know it - keep fighting no matter how many doctors doubt you. Eventually, you may be able to find an answer.

My Christmas list that I sent to my family this year before finding out the results:

Dear Santa:

It’s been a really rough year. I really shouldn’t be asking for any presents, since it will be so hard for me to buy any presents – even though that part of Christmas is truly my favorite part – I love to watch my family’s faces when they open gifts that I spent a lot of time and care choosing. It’s been making me cry almost every day that I realize that I should already be searching for presents and funny t-shirts online, but I just don’t have the means - I wish for my health the most. And, then I wish to get my life back to where I have control of my body and thus control over my career. I am determined though to make sure I am able to get a few special gifts for everyone that I love. These are just all of my ideas – I know I won’t get everything – just trying to make lots of options.

(1) SHOWER GELS:

Peppermint Twist and Wickedly Decadent Chocolate from Bath and Body Works).

Shower Gel BASE from ebay (Bobby knows about this – so I can make my own shower gels – comes in a gallon for about $17.99)

1 oz. flip top squeeze bottles from ebay (to put shower gel that I make in)

(2) 100% Pure essential Oils (These are the oils I use to make perfume and will use to make my own shower gels) I usually buy 1 oz. or smaller – have a 4 oz. bottle that I haven’t put a dent in. Any are good – here are some of the ones on my “to get” list :

(a) Cherry

(b) Vetiver

(c) Sandalwood

(d) Hazelnut

(e) Lemon

(f) Coconut

(g) Peppermint

(h) Amaretto

(i) Honey

(j) Marshmallow

(k) White Tea

(l) Peach

(m) Ylang Ylang

(n) Bergamot

(o) Brown Sugar

(Only about $2.99 each so already have the following: Lime, Clove, White Chocolate, Orange, Frosted Snowdrops, Bubblegum, Vanilla Cream, Vanilla Sugar, Butterscotch, Caramel, Brandy, Spearmint, Dragon’s Blood, Iris, and Dragon’s Breath)

http://stores.ebay.com/BULKOILS on ebay are my favorite so far – very good prices and oils smell really good but other brands are ok too if find unique scent.

The store above has a bunch of sampler sets where you can try 15-16 scents at one time.

(3) Gift Certificate for teeth cleaning (at Bobby/Rachel’s dentist or dentist for COWARDS with updated office – like tv’s on ceilings, etc – want something modern and in Little Rock)

(4) Flexible Keyboard ($7.00) (cheap on ebay and in fun colors!)

(5) Tyler candles (love food scents – used all of sugarbaby candle L )

(6) Popsicle Molds ($5.00) (want to make own popsicles with sugar-free drinks)

(7) Gift certificates

www.fashionbug.com

www.zaftique.com

(fashion bug will help you over telephone, mom)

(8) Black phoenix alchemy IMPS (samples – only should be 2.99-5.00 – very small) Here are some of the ones I’m still trying to get – don’t need all of these – just some to search for if you want on ebay: )

black pearl eat me wrath honey moon

white rabbit bliss death on a pale horse “O”

hungry ghost moon bon vivant sin

dragon moon chimera beaver moon

snow moon eclipse pink moon

snow bunny velvet lick it

On a positive note, my best friend believed me the whole time, and, even though he's always not the nicest person, he was always there for me when I was sick. Also, my brother never disbelieved me - he helped me every chance that he had - talked to me anytime that I called him when I was sicker than usual and/or scared or panicky. He never doubted me (he slipped me $200 to buy Christmas gifts with the other day - that made me cry so hard). My mother paid my car payments last month and started paying for all my medications. As you can see my number one Christmas wish was granted - that I would get a chance to get better physicaly, I guess I can't complain as much about having bad luck (of course, I still have to make it through the surgery...oh be quiet, you didn't really think that I could change overnight, did you? hehe)