"I tried hard to mend my wicked ways...the damage's done...there's nothing left to save"

I finally got to Memphis for more than a day - things just kept happening every day that I tried to go. I've indulged in retail therapy, and I feel much better :) I bought mostly "going out" clothes. I went down a size in clothing when I was healing from my tonsillectomy, and I had replaced my casual clothing but hadn't replaced my going out clothing. My mom promised to help me replace my work wardrobe when/if I ever get employed again, so I just focused on buying naughty and "up to something" clothing (laugh). One of the dresses that I bought is really cute. It's black and has four assymetrical layers of the skirt that have ruffles - one of the ruffles ends right before my butt so it makes it look like I actually have a bigger one than I do. Works for me - my top half is my more endowed half ;) Usually I don't notice when men are checking out my rack but my roommate and I stopped at Walgreens before going out to dinner with some friends and family, and I finally caught someone doing it. He was checking out our items and just not really paying attention to customers and looked up and just stared at my cleavage (did I mention that the dress is really low cut also? laugh). He actually stopped what he was saying for a minute and almost dropped 2 items (hehe). This hardly ever happens to me, because I have a few features that are likeable, but I'm not really someone one would just look at in public and be automatically attracted to (the stereotypical person). I'm more of a "once you get to know me and talk to me" then you're attracted type of girl. My roommate and I went to a party/club later, and a woman in the restroom told me that she had seen me come in and that she thought that I was beautiful. I swear to God I'm wearing this dress everywhere from now on (laugh). She caught me off guard, and I told her that I thought she was beautiful also (which she was) ;) It's fairly difficult to render me speechless (as you can tell), but it does happen occasionally (grin).

Dinner was much more entertaining than anticipated. The waiter was legitimately funny (not one of those people that just thinks that he/she is funny) and kept cracking jokes. He came to the table once and apologized for taking a few minutes but said that he had to change his shirt because a customer spilled sour cream all over it. I told him to be glad that it wasn't his pants. (I swear to god that for once that I did not mean this in a perverted way at all....laugh...really) Apparently, it was taken in the perverted way. Did I mention that I still can't keep myself from blushing when I say something awful or accidentally awful?

(Ok, so you know I'm leaving all *kinds* of details out about the party/club that I went to...I'm not sure how much of it that I want to admit yet...laugh...and, yes, I sincerely was perfectly behaved).

I had to fill out some forms (insurance, tax form) for the writing position that I am in the running for, and I really don't think that was fair. The insurance form wasn't like a typical employee policy for large employers where you really don't have to fill out a lot of personal information about the medication you take or any ailments that have been treated for in the past. I had to list any medications I'm taking and list everything that I've been to a physician for in the past 2 years. This bothers me. I would hate to think that a hiring decision would be made based on the insurance form. One, I've struggled with anxiety problems in the past specifically during situations where my IBS had acted up and no one could tell me how to make it any better. I had to list this on the form. Two, the insurance company was one of the companies that had denied me insurance in the past because of pre-existing conditions - namely, IBS and borderline blood pressure. So, obviously, the owner of this agency is probably going to have to pay more for my insurance than the other candidate for the position. I'll never know if this factored into the decision (which it shouldn't be a factor).

If I'm interacting with someone and building some sort of friendship (even a casual one), I will talk to that person about anything and encourage that person to do the same. There is no way that the interaction is going to develop into anything or encourage trustworthiness if you can't feel like you can really talk to that person. I actually had someone be rude to me, because that person didn't want me to talk about certain subjects in his prescence. That has never happened to me before. I've never had anyone just stop me mid-conversation and flat out tell me that he didn't care about what I was saying at that point in time. Some people just confuse the hell out of me. I wish I was psychic.

My belly button piercing had almost healed enough to allow me to change the jewelry and then it got red and swollen again and showed some signs of infection. I have to take evil antibiotics for 7 days now.

There is a bird outside of my bedroom windows that makes noises constantly *all* night. I think the bird has accidentally gotten onto my schedule. I usually don't notice any type of noise; my house is always noisy. It's driving me nuts.

"She's not the kind of girl who likes to tell the world about the way she feels about herself..."

Why do you look at someone that you see out - or see a picture of a person sometimes and think that person is at least five years older than you and then find out that the person is the same age as you? Do I just not see myself as I really am? Has that person just been harder on his or her body than I have been? I've seen pictures of myself; I can look at myself in the mirror. I realize that my face has changed and that I'm getting older. I look at my hands sometimes and see my grandmother's hands for a split second and it scares the hell out of me. I still get carded; I typically get pegged for around 27. I think age is mostly conception regardless. Your age can seem so different depending on the way that you dress and the way that you act. If only getting older wasn't connected to that whole pesky death thing.

I'm in a rotten mood. My tattoo is itching and drove me crazy half of last night. I accidentally scratched the tail of the dragon because I didn't realize how low it was - I looked at it under the light and it doesn't appear that I damaged it. My roommate keeps telling me to slap it to get the itchiness out; I feel like a moron slapping my leg. My belly button is red; a piercing shop told me to use salt water on it. I also feel like a moron with a cup of salt water suctioned onto my stomach. The original person that pierced it told me not to use salt water; the salt water appears to be helping so I'm going to keep doing it. Tomorrow is the last day of my 7 day bath ban because of my tattoo. I think that's one of the reasons that I'm in such a bad mood. Baths relax me. There are very few activities that truly shut off my brain - some more than others - hot bubble baths, sex, and listening to music. I had a second job interview for the non-attorney position today. It was a lunch interview; I detest lunch interviews. An interview is bad enough, but then you add in all the variables like trying to eat something that you won't make a mess with or get stuck in your teeth. Plus, the whole maintaining eye contact with the interviewer while you're trying to down enough of the lunch, so that you don't seem ungrateful. I get nervous anyway, and this just makes it worse and increases the chance that I'll say something stupid. I'm told it's down to me and one other person. If this follows the pattern of the rest of my life, it will mean that I won't get the job. It's so hard to stay focused and positive about finding a job when you're having a hard time finding another. I just can't stay enthused with that "go get it" attitude for this long. I feel worthless most of the time with respect to my career. I'm 33 years old; I should be much further along career-wise than I am currently. I always feel like I'm lagging behind. I'm just sitting around losing time. I hate that feeling. I should be painting. The minute that I get a job I'll long to have time to paint again, and I had all this time and only painted maybe 10 days total. I don't know what's wrong with me lately; I just need to get my enthusiasm back.

A person that I was intimately involved with for a few months that I had fallen out of touch with called the other day. I'm not calling him back. He made up some excuse that he discontinued his Internet service for why I haven't heard from him in so long. Anyone can call and leave a phone message; he has both of my phone numbers. He has my address. Was he out of stamps? Did his phone break? Why can't people just tell the fucking truth? I'm so sick of lies and excuses. Just admit it - you found someone else to hang out with - you pursued someone else and it didn't work out - someone that lived 10 minutes away from you instead of 3 hours. This was the first person that I ever tried to pursue a relationship with that lived further than 20 minute away. I thought he was worth it. I already was over this and expected not to ever hear from him again months ago. I've already dealt with this in my mind. One of the rare people that talked to me instead of just wanting to have sex. I'm really just tired of people that only want to have sex with me. I need the mental stimulaton as well as the physical or the physical is just lacking. You can always find someone to have sex with if you're a female. It's like pulling teeth to find someone that wants to talk to you as well as get you naked. I don't trust many people regardless, but I trust people even less when that person just seems to be too good to be true. I don't like when people just tell me what that person thinks I want to hear. I want to hear what is really true. If you're looking for someone to have sex with - fine - just tell me that. If you're looking for someone to casually date and maybe have sex if things lean that way - fine - just tell me that. There just isn't any way to get to know someone if that person isn't being honest, and I think it's wholly unfair to not tell someone the truth about what you're looking for - that person bases his/her expectations on what you're willing to offer. If I choose to interact with someone, I take what that person has to offer. If you lie about what you want or don't want, the other person is in the dark.

I had to find my birth certificate today and ran across some pictures that I didn't realize that I had of my cat that died from cancer the day after Christmas. I miss her so much; her name was Kismet and she always would stay with me when I didn't feel well. She hated everyone else, but if my stomach was hurting or I was in pain, she would be next to me in under 5 minutes. She just innately knew.

I swear to god that if I wasn't going to work in the legal or writing field that I would color my hair pink. I should have gotten an art degree.

"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."

I can't believe that I got a second tattoo...the colors came out really well though; it was almost impossible to capture the brightness of the one shade of pink. My brother actually didn't chicken out; I was impressed. His tattoo was based on an evil cheshire cat from an old Alice in Wonderland computer game; it's really awesome. The cat is in shades of blue and has a big grin on its face w/blood on its teeth. The cat has 3 tattoos and an earring through one of its ears. Mine hurt more this time, and I had forgotten that last time I had ordered a cream to put on the skin that numbs the outer layer of skin. I didn't realize how much that had actually helped. Once he did the outline though, the coloring never hurts as badly to me. The same man that did my first tattoo did my second. He's really funny actually. He has a wicked sense of humor like I do. When my roommate kept reminding me to breathe, I told him jokingly that if I held my breath long enough that I would pass out and not feel anything. The tattoo artist made some comment, and all I heard was "big man" and ass. My roommate thought he said something about spanking and I thought I heard something about a big man being on me if I passed out - either way, it was dirty (laugh). I have no problem with dirty

I have to sit here all afternoon and wait for Comcast to come and not fix anything once again. I'm so tired of dealing with them and not being able to use my home phone because it cuts out all the time b/c of the cable connection. Not to mention not being able to use anything Internet-based for more than 20 minutes without interruption. They weren't ever going to come back, since they have it fixed to 60% performance-wise - so I had to start calling again. At least this time, I have kept a log of the times/dates that it has disconnected. It's a neverending battle.

"Silence is golden...nobody gets in...safe in my own skin...so nobody wins..."

That's my first and only tattoo pictured above. It's on the small of my back, and my mom designed it. I didn't want something exactly like what everyone else had - I wanted some type of personality to it. My mom is a professional artist and awesome by the way. She is one of the lucky ones that has found her natural talent and then developed it throughout her life. I keep wondering what my natural talent is - if I even have one. I always worry that it was something that I never tried like surfing (laugh). I don't have the best coordination sometimes though, so I doubt it ;) I'm not sure if I'm uncoordinated as much as I try to do annoying things as quickly as I can to get them over with, so I drop things or bump things off of a table, etc. I know - charming (I designed my mom's website but still having trouble getting the cart to work and I haven't updated it in awhile because I haven't felt like yelling bad words at my computer - but the site is here: www.amyhillimler.com.)

Anyway, I was only going to get one tattoo, but I was warned that they were addictive. My brother wants to get a tattoo but is trying to talk himself into it, so I told him that I would go with him tomorrow and get one at the same time if he loses his feathers. Although, I'm torn. I'm either going to get a dragon with a woman riding the dragon, which I know I would like, but I actually like the oriental style dragons better than the dragons with the wings and the tails. I wouldn't like a woman riding an oriental dragon because it wouldn't have wings so it wouldn't seem like something plausible (although...a woman riding a dragon...I know...I'm on crack) (laugh) My second alternative is an oriental dragon that I really like that is kind of evil-looking, but I would have it done in shades of pink. (Hey, I am a girl... ) I like to take "stereotypically" masculine images and then put a girl twist on them. I'm going to have either alternative tattooed on my upper right thigh.

I'm actually a needle-chicken too ;) So, I'm sure that I'll have trouble sleeping tonight (grin).

"You got me floating, you got me flying..."

I remembered one of the best dates that I ever had tonight for some reason. I think I heard his name mentioned with reference to some other person with his name, and my mind started wandering (I know...that's shocking..grin). It wasn't conventional; it wasn't because it was wine/roses and the moonlight. It was spontaneous. We simply went out and drove around for a few hours and talked...flirted...and then ended up kissing at midnight on New Year's Eve. He was an amazing kisser - definitely in my top 3.

I wasn't going to digress...but, since it's my blog, I can do whatever I want. I don't understand what has happened to all of the good kissers. It's a lost art, along with flirting, and that's really sad. I don't typically like bland sex; I much more err on the side of dirty, "have to take a shower afterward," spanking, pulling hair, talking dirty type of sex. However, it's never going to get to the sex part unless someone is a good kisser; it's just one of those deal-breakers. I think of some of the bad kissers, and it almost turns my stomach (laugh). There was the "I ate something really disgusting before I went out with you" guy, and the "I'm the blind lizard king guy" (he just aimed for my face with his eyes closed and stuck his tongue in and out of his mouth over and over...I am not kidding...I imitate it sometimes to my roommate to make him laugh). Depressingly, the list of really amazing kissers is much smaller. I think if I had to describe the ideal kisser - this person would be playful...slow at first...just testing the waters...pulling my lower lip in between his...using his tongue just a small amount at first and then increasing as he gets aroused. Once it gets hotter and heavier, I like having a hand in my hair...my hair being pulled a little...more tongue - more aggressive kissing....well, you get the idea ;) (Is it hot in here or is just me? laugh) I'm a very playful, teasing kisser at first - I lean into the kiss sometimes and then pull back just to see if the person follows my mouth - I like the give and take. The amazing kisser guy had all the moves down. It was funny though, because I didn't think I'd ever see him again or ever see him very often. He was incredibly intelligent and had a sharp wit; I loved to play with words with him for hours. However, he knew and admitted and I knew that he had a few emotional problems. He was very secretive and didn't like to share a lot of information about his feelings/thoughts and had a wealth of trust issues. He was one of those people where you would honestly not know whether he even liked you or not; there were hardly any clues as to what made him tick. It drove me crazy, and intrigued me at the same time. I did end up seeing him a few more times, but that first night was still my favorite and then, one day, he simply disappeared. He had wanted to move back to where he previously lived, and I'm fairly certain that's what happened. I told him how difficult it was to try to get close to him one night and to try to get to know him, and he made some "joke" about one of his 7-year friends who was still trying to get to know him who knew about as much that I knew about him. This was one of the better interactions (control and expectation-wise) in that I already knew how it was going to end, so I didn't have any illusions about it and just enjoyed it for what it was - a small slice of interaction with a person that mentally intriqued me, kissed me and aroused me senseless, but with whom I knew there was no chance of a future. I simply took it for what it was and didn't sit around regretting it for what it wasn't ;) (much...anyway....grin)

"You should get to know me better...no one's ever what they seem"

Reasons that I can typically talk myself out of the Arkansas chatrooms:

(1) The Discrimation - I've never seen worse than yahoo chatrooms, particularly in Arkansas chatrooms, in the way that the inhabitants make fun of black people, overweight people, or gay people. I live around these people; this scares me. Case in point:

"megaherz85: cus you dont want to end up viewing some ones cam and end up wanting to pull out your eyes from seeing the site of a fat person and i dont want that to happen so ask for pics first i have made the mystake of seeing a woman over the size of 3 hundred pounds and thats a site i wouldnt wish on any one so ask before you view"

I tried to argue w/this person but just let it go after it took him 10 minutes to respond with a one-sentence response, because, as my roommate says - it's like entering into an ass-kicking contest with a one-legged man.

(3) The "Discretion." These are the people that choose "no answer" in their profile as an answer for marital status and go around looking for someone that can be "discrete." This just annoys me; I appreciate directness in this aspect. If you're married and/or have a significant other, just freaking say so and don't try to hide it under pretty words.

(4) The "Booters" - This is something that I just don't get. A game of my computer can kick your computer's ass. People actually spend hours learning how to bump people off of yahoo better and making programs that keep others from doing this to them. This is just nuts. I was bumped one time over and over, because one of these "booters" got mad when I typed something in the main text after his female friend did in response to one of her statements to a gay person about how being gay is disgusting (and proceeding to degrade him in the open chatroom). I've learned that one aspect of booting is just to keep people from making you look stupid when that person types something w/out thinking or attacks a fellow chatter for no reason other than the fact that he sleeps with "Dick" instead of "Jane." (pun maybe intended - hey, I can only resist for so long... )

(5) The "Overnighter." These are the people that are coming to stay in Arkansas for only a few days on business, but they think that they are actually going to meet someone in a chatroom to make sure that they can have someone to hook up with naked while they are in town - usually b/c said person is married and this is the easiest way to hide any indiscretions. These people will actually start scouting a chatroom for the state that they are visiting months before the date of his/her trip.

(6) The "chatter of few words." These are the people that message you with "a/s/l" or "have a pic or a cam?" These are just messages that aren't going to get answered. Come on - be charming. If you were at a bar or met someone in public that you wanted to talk to - would you really just go up to that person with such unoriginality? One witty opening to start a conversation is just not too much to ask. When I'm in a bad mood, I try to help people that message others this way and then complain b/c no one will talk to them. I try to let them know that a little charm goes a long way; it probably doesn't help - but you can't say that I don't try to make my contribution to cyber-society

(7) The "I can't figure out how to fill out my profile or I didn't proofread my profile before I hit save" chatter. If you message someone with absolutely nothing in your profile, the aforementioned charming opening, as referenced above, becomes even more essential. The messagee at least likes to know one thing about the person messaging him/her before answering the message. It's not that hard to fill out a profile; it only takes a few minutes. I've had people try to add me on 360 w/completely blank profiles or they'll send me a message and have their settings set to not receive messages. Umm....I bet these people sit around and wonder why they never get responses ;) (And, for the love of God, if you're going to fill out a profile - at least try to spell 1/2 of the words right or get the grammar close to correct) Profiles are out there for years - you would think one would want to take some care in choosing the right spellings, etc. I look up spellings of words all the time; it's just how you learn and/or refresh your memory on how to spell a word or to make sure you have the spelling correct in the future. On a side note, if someone spells a bunch of words wrong while chatting w/me, it doesn't really bother me. You just don't have the time to look up spellings while chatting and, frankly, some people just can't spell. Some of the smartest people that I've ever known, like my father, could not spell worth anything.

I have an awful sinus headache - a huge storm is coming - I think I'm calm now...(laugh) I had to get some of that out of my system.

"She sees that they're blind...why does she take all the blame?"

You already know that I ordered another belly button ring; I can feel you staring at me (laugh). It's a really wicked pink spider, with multi-colored crystals on its back. People have been so disappointing lately. Nobody has been who I initially thought that person seemed to be. Is this because people hide who they are? Is it because I'm so bad at reading people and give people too much credit as human beings? Am I purposefully not seeing the signs that indicate that someone is not who he/she appears to be? I think that I'm seeing the signs, because that is the point at which I extinguish interaction with that person or discourage interaction and the point at which I am disappointed. I'm usually pretty good at paying attention to details. A lot of people miss the details - they either don't pay attention or just simply don't care enough to look for or notice them. I don't understand how someone can not like a quality in another person that he or she possesses. This completely baffles me. It would be like me hating people with big mouths (I'm not sure if I mean this literally or figuratively..hehe) when I have one myself. I've learned that at least with one person that disappointed me in the past couple of months that this is much easier to deal with if you're expecting it. I hate going into an interaction or a relationship expecting that it's going to end badly; I'm sure this affects how it does indeed end. But, if I don't do this, then it hurts even more. This time it just didn't hurt as badly. A few weeks ago, I went through maybe two days of intermittent sadness and reflection. Maybe someone has to be of a certain trustworthiness or "value" before I can take the risk of trusting that person at the expense of my feelings or my psyche. Every time that I am deeply hurt, I feel like it takes a part of me away, which is why I feel a need to protect myself. It's a catch 22. No one can get to know you if you never let down the walls, but then again, no one can hurt you or you can minimize the hurt if you keep up the walls.

I've had trouble sleeping this week - too many things on my mind. I'm going to dinner this weekend with a friend that I have not spoken to in almost ten years. We were good friends in high school, but after high school, she only wanted to do "church" things and it felt like she was trying to force her religion on my brother (who was also her friend) and I. I was raised Methodist, but I do not attend church now. The only memories I have of church is that it was really excruciating, because I have trouble in places where I have to be very quiet. My brother used to try to provoke me by drawing things on the programs, so that he could make me start giggling, and thus, get into trouble. I know that I believe in something - I believe that there is something other than what I can physically see - but I do not believe its a "man with a beard." I take the Bible as what I believe it is/was - it's a collection of stories that one can learn lessons from. I believe that is why the Bible seems contradictory sometimes; it was not meant to be read literally - it's more what you can gain from it and you have to keep in the back of your mind the time in which it was written. I believe more in an "energy" that is present in all living things - animals, humans. I believe other people can pick up on this energy - people that are around you and that events affecting this energy can have a ripple effect. I don't do well with organized religion; I especially have personal issues with religions that treat people differently, or have different rules for people, based on gender. I also do not understand the lack of tolerance in organized religion. I accept, and very much respect, the fact that everyone has his/her own personal belief system. I would never try to make someone change his/her belief system and would expect that person to respect mine. Everyone needs something to believe in; it's the only way to get through life. It seems to me that the one thing that the Bible did preach or that religions preach is tolerance, but when an organized religion states that it's a sin to be gay, for example, that seems to be the very antithesis of tolerance. Organized religion is extremely difficult for me to grasp mentally in the "rules" of that religion versus what seems to be the basic tenant of every religion.

Speaking of "sins"...(hehe)...I did get to go out and drink on Saturday night. I had my first jello shot; I don't think the bar made them correctly though b/c it was too firm (I like my jello with some bounce to it...laugh) I couldn't really get it out of the container; it took some fancy tonguework. My friends and I were too early for the dance clubs, so we did go to a strip club for about an hour. One of the women was really attractive in a dark sort of way...she had black on - like a black, fitted, longer skirt...and this spider web type material over her chest...and she had dark, shorter hair. She was arresting in an odd way; you couldn't figure out why she was attractive but she was - these are my favorite type of people - be it men or women. Bodies intrique me; they are all so different. I've never seen a person that you couldn't find some feature that is intriquing. This is one of the reasons that I don't understand people that immediately discount you if some feature of your body is not what that person "typically" finds attractive. I'm a fuller-figured women; I carry myself very well, and I am not ashamed of my body or my sexuality. I wear sexy, see-through lingerie...I paint my nails fun colors like light blue or a sparkly green...I wear cleavage enhancing clothing when I go out on the weekends...I'm not ashamed to get my belly button pierced or to draw attention to my body. I spent years obsessing over my appearance and hating myself, until I struggled with being sick more than I felt well for a few years. Now, I'm just happy that I feel well most of the time. I just don't care as much anymore about what people think; I dress to make myself happy and to make myself feel sexy and attractive. It just seems like so many people have a problem with this - like I'm supposed to feel bad that I was someone they were attracted to before that person realized that I'm not a barbie doll. I find fuller-figured women attractive and slender women - it just depends on the woman as to what portion of her will invite interest and/or admiration. I remember a movie that started changing the way that I saw such things, this was a long process - the name of the movie was See No Evil, Hear No Evil. And, in the movie, Gene Wilder was deaf and so worried about what people thought of him - his main goal in life was to get through life w/out people looking at him and thinking that he was different or drawing attention to himself. Richard Pryor's character tells him that he can fix that problem in one second, and he proceeds to stick an ice cream cone on his head. It's so silly to worry all the time about things that you can't change or that are really difficult to change - if you can change those things, go for it - but if you can't or even while you are changing those things...enjoy what you have.

"You have this strange effect on me...and I like it"

I've bought two belly rings (one is pictured above), and I can't stand it (laugh) I have another month before I can change it out. I'm going to get a butterfly, a spider, and the dragon I already have covered (I actually got two - b/c I found one at the mall that's light blue and sparkly and then the evil woman at the booth told me about another one she sold out of that had a dragon head on the top and the body on the bottom - so I had to track this one down online too). I can't believe how many there are to choose from - there are actually some that read "lick me" (hehe). Hopefully, if someone is to my belly button with that person's mouth - then that person already knows what to do without having to read it

I also ordered a bunch of toe rings - I hate hot weather but my feet and toes are ready to come out (laugh). I love sandals. I had already ordered a cherry one, a butterfly, a pair of pink lips, and a spider and then found this awesome pink skull toe ring. But, I can only find it on one website and the shipping is atrocious ($7 bucks for *one* toe ring - do you know how light those things are? Give me a break). I'm trying to talk myself into it - I wish I had found this one first (Did I mention that I'm such a shopping addict?) Although, I can typically find really good deals (b/c I'm used to doing research).

My EGD biopsies were clear and my cat scan was clear - so I'm left with the same diagnosis as always - which is IBS. There is a really good website that I use all the time to reassure myself that other people are out there that feel as awful as I do sometimes and to check what certain medications do to other people that have IBS: http://www.ibsgroup.org/

My job interviews were stressful as usual. I had one on Wednesday and one on Friday. The Wednesday one was for a non-attorney position but it is writing and research based, so I'm sure I would like it since that is what I like to do the most. I have no idea how this one went; it was very informal. The owner kept telling me stories (very entertaining) from when he was a police officer. The second interview was three attorneys staring at me, and they made me sit at the head of the table (laugh). I made some joke about how if I could interview people, that I would probably torture them too. I didn't do very well in listing the job duties and specific things that I did while I was working in my last firm; I was nervous and I have trouble with open-ended questions when I'm nervous. Thinking back, I should have just pulled my resume out to refresh my memory and break the anxiety. What made it even more nerve-racking is that the lead interviewer told me that 45 (I'm not kidding) attorneys applied for the position, and that they narrowed it down to 9 for interviews. (I was thinking - how the hell did I get in the 9? laugh). I got into the 9 I believe because I have a significant amount of property law experience, and, from what one of the interviewers mentioned, because he was impressed with my law school performance. I'm going to try to repair the part of the interview where I knew I wasn't as well spoken as I could have been with a well-written thank you letter. We'll see what happens, but I'm not holding my breath on this one (I really wish I could be a positive person...I really do...I keep trying but to no avail). My mom tells me to picture myself in that office working with the people that interviewed me. I have an excellent imagination, so I can conjure up this image but then the doubts start creeping in to destroy the image. I've always had a hard time looking forward to things in the future or with thinking that something good could potentially happen to me - if you think that way, and then it doesn't happen (which is so often the case), then the disappointment is even worse and more painful. It's a no-win situation.

I wrote a letter to Comcast and played the attorney card (hey, it got me free pizzas once when service was horrible...joking grin) with a letter to management at the Little Rock office. They called twice yesterday and showed up at 7 p.m. last night to swap out the box and recheck the lines. It has improved my connection at least 60%, but it still dropped off approximately 7 times yesterday. One of the two maintenance men, the supervisor, is being incredibly rude (big surprise) and trying to blame it on my equipment (what equipment? my 4 day old laptop or my 2 year old desktop that has never had any type of problem?). If they would tell me specifically what they are trying to blame it on, I would replace it or inform them why that isn't the case. I hate when people bullshit you and make excuses and think that you're too stupid to catch it. I always have to fight to keep from rolling my eyes. I'm going to pursue this until it's repaired to 100%; I'm paying for it and have for 2 years and shouldn't have to deal with 60% especially since my phone service is equally affected since I use Vonage.

I've been trying to fight getting down (in spirits...not 70's dancing...laugh) since yesterday. I am not sure what's wrong; I think my life was just so intense for a few weeks and now the intensity is over or resolved - so I'm just trying to take a breath. I hate that feeling when you know that you're about to be temporarily depressed, and you have to try to fight it. Except for when you feel that way, you want to listen to sad songs and think sad thoughts - so it's a trial. I'm not sure if I've beaten it yet I was supposed to go out with my roommate and his friends last night and drink/talk/hang out, but it was moved until tonight. I need a break from the stress of this week, so hopefully that will be fun and I'll keep out of trouble (Ok, so I wouldn't mind a tiny bit of trouble...grin)