Christmas List!!

Dear Santa:

This year has had way more downs than ups. I've lost some of the most important parts of my life this year, and I'm still reeling from it. I've been so sick that I actually missed my brother's birthday, and I'm afraid that I won't ever live long enough to feel like I can make it up to him. I am very thankful for the kindness of my family; I don't know what I would do without them. I made a super long birthday list, so most of this will be repeated - I'm just kind of at a loss because most of the things that I would choose would be based on my being able to smell - which I can't any longer. Here we go...

(1) The health and happiness of my family (both furry and non-furry - Bob - you're a furry...hehe)

(2) Villainess Smack! I still need soft soap that cleans in the tub, and bath creams are the softest on my skin. I can still smell a little vanilla - and would love one "dirty, naughty" one (like vanilla x 2, unearthed x 2 in same jar) and one separate "fun" one - you can choose up to 4 scents in each Smack! jar. I'll leave the fun one to Santa's imagination. Please please please!

(3) Professional grade floor steamer - not for carpets but for wood floors. I really need this the most of all to clean the floor with - I'm spending a fortune in cleaners, and this just uses steam and water. It's the only way that I can deep clean the wood floors at this point.

(4) Artwork and/or clay or ceramic pieces made by my family.

(5) A Snow, Glass, Apples' locket from Black Phoenix - this would have to be ordered a.s.a.p, because the Trading post is slllooowww. I sold the locket that Brad gave me, because I didn't want to think of him every time that I wore it, so I would love one to replace it. It's sterling silver and hand-crafted: http://www.blackphoenixtradingpost.com/neilgaiman.html

(6) I'm especially into skirts, dresses, and corset tops from Torrid.com right now! Sizes:

Skirts: 3 or 24
Dresses: 3 (if stretchy), 4 (if extremely fitted - like cotton) (These are junior plus sizes)
Tops: 3 or 24 if stretchy - if a corset, it has to be a 4! I love the corset tops - if you sign up for their mailing list, Bob - they'll e-mail you when they have 50% sales - and the corset tops are only $19.00 on sale. Plus, you can find these on ebay - the vintage ones are also to die for!

A gift certificate would work too (:

(7) A light-weight hair dryer. One of my hair dryers had to be thrown away - the other is smoking :o I like a super powered one!

(8) Something meant to be sprayed in the hair to make my hair smell nice - I used to have a white chocolate spray from Isle of Eden - but their orders take too long to get it in time for Christmas. (They have an "Isle of Eden" forum where you can sign up, Bob - and post an "in search of" for products - these would be mailed by individual buyers and would get here in time) Maybe Bobby can find another company online that sells sprays that are hair-safe? :) I like "neutral" scents for my hair that will go with other perfumes - like chocolate or vanilla.

(9) Funky knee socks or slightly over-the-knee socks - they have to be super stretchy not thick socks or they won't fit (I tried to buy thicker socks from www.sockdreams.com and they didn't fit :( They say in the notes whether they fit larger women - for each brand/type. Also arm warmers = love!!!)

(10) 2 Nightstands (thrift shop or flea shop) that I can paint or that are painted for me (: (I'm going for a silver look in my bedroom)

(11) Cat Tower

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=350218936335&_trkparms=tab%3DWatching

Ebay has a lot of good deals on them - bigger than local ones and less expensive - who knew?

(12) Mini-stereo with bass - the little stereos like at Wal-Mart and Best Buy where all 3 pieces - 2 speakers and unit are bought together, but loud! Bob knows! (+ need cord or ability to plug my IPOD into it and play CD's)! I only have my IPOD dock and it's really quiet - I left my boombox/little stereo at the other house (CD deck was broken anyway - it wouldn't eject most of the time) I need some bass!!

(13) Tarte Treasure Chest from Sephora - I can never get too much make-up! http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P247380

(14) Love Etsy jewelry! I'm really coveting a "tattoo-style" necklace - you can just type that in and they will come up - but I love anything with skulls, spiders, Hello Kitty, zombies - you know how I am - hee!

"You loved me 'cause I'm fragile...when I thought that I was strong."

So many things going on inside my head lately - that I'm just having trouble sorting it all out and getting it out. I'm having the worst time with my cats. Two are already losing a lot of weight - the steroids are stimulating their metabolism, so that they'll eat - but, they aren't gaining any weight. The kitten that I am so attached to - the orange one - who crawls up over my arm every night - he stopped growing about a month ago. He is most likely the carrier. Part of me irrationally wants to be angry with him for making all of my other cats sick - and eventually, probably, killing some of them. And, part of me just keeps holding him and crying - because I know he'll be gone within the year. This is one of the worst things that could ever happen to me. My pets are my family; they just are - no matter how many "huntin' people" and non-pet owning people that there are around me that will *never* understand - they still are my family - it's like losing pieces of my family and pieces of me.

The only medication they have ever found for my acid reflux that works - the most expensive medication I take ($400 a month) - my medical coverage won't cover - even with a physician letter stating that this is the only medication that has ever worked. At least it's making me lose weight, I guess that's good for me. But, being sick all of the time - and having that acid reflux lump in my throat and all of the burning in my back and chest - it's just wearing on me. I'm taking quadruple the dose of another prescription acid medication, and it's barely even touching it.

I'm done with Lyrica - it helps my IBS immensely and is the only medication that helps with my Fibromyalgia muscle pain - but the bloating, weight gain, the fogginess, and the depression - it just has to go - I can't deal with the side effects of it anymore. I tried to stop taking a few weeks ago, and it almost killed me - I'm determined to try again.

I have an appointment with my gastro doctor this month. To get rid of the acid reflux (since I can't afford $400 a month for the medication to control it), it's either acid reflux surgery or maybe even a gastric bypass - I'll do anything at this point. I'm so tired of it - my mom has it too - and she's thin, so it scares me. But, when I lost a lot of weight after my gallbladder started failing, it got a little better right after surgery (I don't know if it was from the weight loss or from the fact that I had an evil gallbladder inside of me wreaking havoc). I hope he'll just work with me - I'm ready for this part of my pain to be over.

With past relationships, it seems like you always give yourself a set time to grieve and then promise yourself that it's over. You look at those pictures - the ones where both of you are smiling - and then the goofy ones where you catch him doing something silly - and smile and remember how good it all was at that time. You cry. You isolate yourself. And, then you tell yourself that it's enough - it's time to heal. And, then you encounter new people to talk to or a person or persons that end up not being what you expected, and it seems like it just negates all of the healing that you already went through. Why does it have to be so hard? You have to wonder if you've had one or two people that you would have wanted to spend a very long time - if not the remainder of your life with - if that's it for you. It certainly seems like I've had my "share" already. Some people go through their whole lives with only one person that they find like that - and that's the only one that they ever find. I found three in the past - one didn't want me for anything more than things of a physical nature, one decided alcohol was more important than I was, and the other wanted me - but, then I found out that there were so many parts that he was keeping hidden about himself from me - that who knows if he was ever the person that I thought him to be in the first place.

And, I love the people that start off really talking to you and having intimate conversations with you - and then everything changes the minute anything sexual happens. I don't understand this; I guess I need someone of the opposite sex to explain it to me. There have been only two people that I ever had good enough sex with (and one is borderline) to sacrifice someone that I could really talk to for adding a sexual component - I guess it's not the same with everyone. But, people that you can really talk to are few and far between. Those are the people that understand you - the people who are there for you no matter what - whether you look pretty that day or you're just in bunny slippers, ponytails, and a nightshirt. Once sexual things enter a relationship, does that up the stakes for some people in terms of being able to have their feelings or their pride hurt more easily? I'm not like that, so I guess I don't know how it is for everyone. Once I tell people personal things - share information that I wouldn't have told many people - then, I become personally invested. Sex is sex - most people will have sex without too many restrictions or guidelines - telling someone private things about you - that is when you become vulnerable - that is when someone can cut you to the core. I've only found one person to do that with - tell things about myself that I wouldn't tell anyone but my family - over the summer - so, he could hurt me - but I haven't found anyone else to risk sharing that part of myself with - so, I think I've chosen pretty wisely so far.

"One must desire something to be alive."

Random Facts about me or things that I've learned about myself lately:

(1) I'm a "Golden Girls" addict - I'll watch it anytime, any place - it's my comfort show.

(2) I worry that my mom and I won't ever be as close as we used to be - and that she won't ever be proud of me again.

(3) I've discovered that I'll let people that aren't very close to me share in my happiness and flirtations - but that I'll hardly let anyone share my pain.

(4) I've never been afraid to open my heart before - I've always taken the risk, but lately I feel like it's in a cage, and I've lost the key.

(5) I'll always wish that he had chosen me instead of her, but now I'm learning to accept that I can't change this and it's a waste of my time to put any energy into thinking about it. I consider that progress.

(6) I don't care about what my ex-boyfriend is doing at all; I thought I'd care more.

(7) I hardly ever make eye contact with people. I get scared that people will be able to see the pain behind my eyes - or that I'll finally meet someone that can see right into my soul.

(8) I've learned that I'm not quite at the level that I want to be with self-acceptance; I've decided that it's a life-long journey, and I'm here for the entire trip.

(9) I believe that one day things will get better.

(10) I miss having a standard - I'm really good at driving a stick.

(11) I've learned that sex never equals attraction; sometimes it just equals opportunity.

(12) People surprise the hell out of me sometimes; I love when someone surprises me in a good way.

(13) I want more than anything else for someone to want to understand me and for someone to learn how to understand me - but it also scares me to death.

(14) I've watched Christmas Vacation at least 50 times in my lifetime.

(15) I love hip-hop music - it always lifts me up - and it always makes me want to dance.

(16) I went to a strip club for my last birthday - at my request.

(17) Some people that I've reconnected with from high school - it's really interesting and enjoyable to see how they are now, see their beautiful children, and read about their daily lives - but some people that add me - they were the same people that ignored me, didn't see me at all, or made rude comments about me to my face or behind my back. Those people may have forgotten that, but I never will.

(18) Sometimes I like to listen to sad songs and just cry - to let everything out, so I can get over it and move on.

(19) I was verbally abused by an alcoholic for years; it's taken me many years to try to heal from this - I'm not even close yet.

(20) I lost one of the most important dreams that I've ever had - I try not to think about, because it makes me feel groundless.

(21) I talk to my animals constantly - they love it and most of them run to my bedroom when they hear me talking to one of them or "dancing" and cuddling with one of them.

(22) I hate to wear shoes; I'd rather be barefoot all of the time.

(23) I want someone to save and for that same person to save me.

(24) I sometimes forget to put more (some...hehe) clothing on, before I open the back door to let the dogs out.

(25) I'm still surviving.