"Wish and love are not the same thing."

This has been the oddest week; I'm all disjointed and random. What I'm leaving out is probably more important than what I'm including but for what it is worth.

My mom: She is home and healing - she is still getting sick right after she eats. She's been kind of out of it with the pain medication and lack of energy. It's so unnerving seeing my mom like that - she's never sick. It really bothers me.

Premieres!

Grey's Anatomy: Ohmygod, the new guy is h.o.t. and I am not one to drool over physical appearances alone (his voice, persona, crooked grin) - his whole "character" and "the kiss" - I watched it online and had to watch the kiss 3 times. Umm, did I just type that? (hehe) I'm really surprised they are carrying through on the bi-sexual/lesbian relationship - that one totally threw me for a loop (not in a bad way but in an ohmygod this is primetime television way). I love when gender and sexuality is illustrated as how it truly exists in reality - it's not as clear cut as everyone likes or wants to believe.

ANTM: I can't believe they cut Hannah so harshly - she would have improved. Love love love Elina and Annaleigh - I wish I could look like either of them just for one day (wistful sigh). I know I know, but just one day! A lot of pretty people don't understand or will never understand the power and advantages that being one of the "pretty ones" grants you in life - your job - how you are treated by others. It's depressing when the jobs or professions that you would most like to be engaged in aren't supported by your genes.

I missed Knight Rider; I'm going to go back and watch the first one online - I also missed Fringe which I was curious about.

My brother: Being a total dick - I tried to call him last week after my mom's surgery, because I was sick and scared and truly needed to talk to someone and he just blew me off. I haven't spoken to him in a week now. I understand being with someone that you love, but I believe that family enhances a relationship to an extent - he's been married for over 5 years now - and he still acts like I don't exist most of the time. He took a pottery class at the art center without telling me despite the fact that he knew that I would have wanted to take it also - we took the last class together. My mom made some comment that I missed a couple of the classes last time, but that's when I was traveling back and forth to Fayetteville all of the time and trying to juggle two "residences."

My best friend: Drinking again - after rehab and after two months of sobriety. I asked/pleaded with him to follow up as they instructed with meetings, so that he could have a sponsor. He kept saying that he didn't need one, and I kept trying to explain that the moment something bad happened - that he wouldn't know how to deal with it and then would be at risk to turning back to alcohol. His way of dealing with any type of stress for the past 6 years has to been to drink. You have to learn a whole new way to live and handle everyrday pressures - not to mention the excessively stressful days and situations. He really started falling for a girl, and then she moved very far away - he started drinking that week. He told me that the alcohol was the only way to take away the pain, so that he could not think about it. I tried to talk to him - the minute he's sober again, the pain comes right back. If you keep masking the pain, you never deal with it - he keeps setting it up, so that he can never stop drinking or all the pain will come crashing into him. I'm tired. I hate to give up on him - but, what else can I do with respect to his drinking problem? I sat in the hospital for 7 hours the night he was admitted to the program; I visited him that week; I sent a letter to his workplace to explain that he was hospitalized; and, I picked him up. That week was very stressful for me too and time and emotionally draining; he just doesn't comprehend or care that he's not just hurting himself when he drinks - he's hurting his "loved ones" too. The past two months in terms of having my friend back were bliss; it was so comforting to be able to talk to him again.

Life in general: God, I've been sick. I'm feeling so horrible; yet, there are so many things that I *have* to get done. How do you get things done when you hurt too much to move most of the time? My gastroenterologist stated that I was essentially on the last two medications that he could think of to handle the post-cholestectomy syndrome (not to mention just dealing with IBS and severe acid reflux) - the medications made me horribly sick - I tried to take them for 3 days even though they made me feel so badly - I wanted them to work. There are more tests unfortunately in my future.

My best friend is trying to help me think more positively (ironic, huh?). It's so strange, because when I sit down to try to focus on one thing that I think I want to happen - these unexpected thoughts pop into my brain, and I can't get them to go away thus breaking my concentration. It's not just one thing; it's numerous things and not things that are attainable. I don't know what is going on with my brain lately.

Presidential Debate: I abhor when someone can't answer a question in even remotely straightforward manner. No matter which side you support, Obama just "out-performed." McCain had a set of statements that he wanted to make in order to try to garner certain votes; there were numerous times that I just wanted to scream at the tv for him to actually answer a question just once instead of alluding to some famous person he met or his years of military experience. Obama actually talked about what he *will* do in the future - that's what everyone needs to know right now. McCain sounded like he was out on the porch of an old folks' home telling stories about the war to anyone that will listen. My favorite point was about how if Americans are economically weak that we will not be respected by other nations - if America can't even protect its own citizens in terms of rising foreclosures, gas shortages and extortive pricing due to "speculation," and lack of health care, then how strong are we going to look as toward other nations? A country that can't protect its own citizens cannot protect itself against outside threads. I don't even drink, and I feel like I need one from watching it - the vice-presidential debate should be really entertaining (rolls eyes).

Switch Witch! My sweet Switch Witch sent me these yummy lip butters - chocolate, berry, candy - they are making my lips so soft, and they smell good enough to eat (hehe!) I've been doing fairly well as toward my Witchee - I've sent her first package, and it was well received and her second package is going to be so much fun that I want to keep the goodies for myself (grin). And, I already have the final package planned and more than half accumulated. Yay for me :)

I joined a Halloween card swap - I'm going to make my own cards - I made Halloween paintings for my family last year with collage and acrylic paint - so I'm going to repeat the process on a smaller scale - excited!

Fell in love with this scent this week:

Hellhound on my Trail:

… blues falling down like hail
And the day keeps on remindin' me, there's a hellhound on my trail …

August 16th marks the day the Devil came to call on the King of the Delta Blues.

Bay rum, bourbon vanilla, galangal, hyssop, High John the Conqueror root, tobacco, life everlasting, and brimstone.

This smells so good on me! Like a dirty naughty vanilla that still needs a spanking to keep herself in check

I ordered this scent:

Lilith Victoria:

Snake Oil blended with Dorian, plus soft vanilla flower, lily of the valley, lavender, and fennel.

Based on the reviews, it's freaking gorgeous - a spicy vanilla tea scent - I need it now! (hee!) Patience has never been my strong point (grin)

"Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"

My mom's gallbladder surgery went well; however, they found a hard-to-reach stone near her pancreas that they didn't want to make a large incision to retrieve, so she has to stay in the hospital until Saturday - so they can retrieve it without an incision. It's been a tough week. My mom's surgery was Thursday, and my roommate and supposedly my best friend in the whole world had promised to sit with me the night before - because he knew I would be worried and restless. He went out and didn't come back home until after 1:00 in the morning. I was shocked. His selfishness is just beyond my scope of comprehension at this point. He's seeing a new girl that for some reason he tried to lie about - he's dated other girls since we split up two years ago - what do I care? He said that she's leaving for California in two weeks, so that was why he had to spend time with her. He barely knows her; he's known me for 13 years. I'm really sick of selfish people. I'm really sick of people that just try to use me and don't really want to talk to me and be there for me. He had planned to go out again tonight and tomorrow night. He came up to sit with me late tonight and leaned against the headboard and fell asleep - great company, huh? I decorated behind his ears with a variety of colors from my permanent marker set and covered him with an entire vial of Black Phoenix perfume oil in "Death Cap" - one of the stinkiest oils ever - mushrooms and dirt - no joke. I hope he wonders all day at work what the smell is and figures out eventually that it's coming from him. I was always there as a friend for him; I just don't understand.

He told me "I really like this girl." I think this qualifies as the most hypocritical statement that he has ever made. He interfered with my previous relationship in the following ways over the course of a year:

(1) Called my ex and hung up numeous times.
(2) Called me repeatedly when I was with my ex and sent hundreds of text messages.
(3) Downloaded a key-logger to my laptop while I was out of town and sent e-mails and forwarded e-mails from my business e-mail account to various people - including a girl that he claimed that my ex was still seeing.
(4) Forwarded private naughty pictures that were on one of my older computers to my ex while I was dating him (of me with another man). This failed of course, because I'm an honest person - I always tell the person I'm dating anything that comes up in conversation. I don't hide things.
(5) Called me all types of names and other emotional and verbal abuse while I was at home.
(6) Befriended one of my ex's past girlfriends and conspired with her to find information out that I may not have known and pass said information on to me.
(7) This crazy ex-girlfriend contacted me to harrass me.
(8) Tried to contact 2 other of my ex's past girlfriends and harrassed them.
(9) He stole money from me, so that he could try to make sure that I wouldn't have gas money to go out of town.
(10) He completely and purposefully neglected any bills that came up while I was gone - leading to the water being turned off for so many days (I only went out of town once for over a week) - that I had to "restart" the account at a cost of over $600.

Him: "I really like this girl."

I keep typing it, and I can't believe that he doesn't realize the irony in that statement. I really loved who I was with - he made my stomach flip - only a handful of people in my lifetime have done that. Admittedly, at the end, his own anger played into my decision to not come back - he just refused to get help - what can you do when someone won't help himself so that he doesn't hurt you? However, the entire year - situations were exascerbated and more emotionally fused because of my roommate's interference - not to mention the fact that he took years off of my life stress-wise. I don't understand why the hypocrisy of his statement won't sink in - I wish I could work with that type of denial.