"She knows the human heart and how to read the stars, now everything's about to fall apart."

I'm struggling with sadness today - I don't know what it is about snow - but it always makes me reflective and melancholy.  It seems even worse when the sun finally comes out and everything starts melting to often reveal the "ugliness" underneath the snow.  My last two cats that have FIP aren't doing very well. Little Girl will probably not make it past two more weeks, and Bolt, the little orange kitten, is getting weaker every day. The orange kitten, Bolt, has gorgeous eyes.  They are the most vibrant green-yellow and change colors depending on his mood and the light hitting them - even turning them a burnt orange color at times.  I see it in his eyes how much he wants to run around and play, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't have any energy and why his tummy hurts all the time, and I see the occasional flast of pain in his eyes. I don't know what to do. Little Girl is such a quirky cat - she always comes to the door like a dog would to greet everyone and has the sweetest cry when she wants attention, snaking through your legs in figure eights.  She was the mom to a few of my cats and is around 13 years old. She "takes care" of any babies brought into the house - when the two kittens were brought in, Bolt and Licorice, she took over and kept them warm and wouldn't leave their sides.  Bolt is maybe a year old; it's so hard to watch the other kitten that he grew up with grow and flourish - and he just keeps getting sicker. This is literally breaking my heart. I'm so attached to Bolt already; I lost an orange kitty a few years ago unexpectedly to a urinary blockage - he just died within 24 hours, so I have a soft spot for orange kitties. Bolt makes me smile - he has such a funny personality - he comes up under your chin and just looks at you and quickly rolls up into a ball. He hits the dogs to keep them in check. He has spunk and attitude, but he also loves to be held and will fall asleep in your arms. He always puts his paws over the tub ledge when I'm taking a bath, so that he can sample the water. I don't even put bubble bath in it anymore, so that he can continue his ritual. I'm having such a hard time with this - usually, with a cat, it's slightly unexpected when they get ill - I just look at the two that I know that I'm going to lose, and it kills me. 

I'm hoping with all of my being that these are the last two cats that I'll lose to this disease. It appears that Bolt was the carrier of FIP, and Little Girl was exposed and couldn't fight it.  FIP is transmitted in feces and saliva.  FIP is caused by a virus and can lead to an infection via feline coronavirus (FCOV) - one strain is non-fatal and one strain is almost always fatal.  Some cats exposed can fight the initial infection if they have a very strong immune system.  But, it is almost always fatal in young cats and geriatric cats - thus, the reason that "Biggie" passed away so quickly a few months ago and then "Cocoa" a month and a half ago.  Biggie and Cocoa were my oldest cats, and Cocoa had diabetes which I treated with insulin - so, her immune system was already compromised.  I don't ever want this to happen again - when I eventually have two cats - that is it - that's all that I'm keeping, and I'm not bringing any new kittens into the house. 

My car wouldn't start today - I guess because of the mechanical problem and because it sat too long, because I couldn't drive it during the bad weather.  It finally started and then stalled about 4 times. It's the only way that I have to get anywhere - the doctor, Walgreens - I would feel essentially trapped if Buddy can't figure out what is wrong with it soon. I need to find out who the Car Goddess is and offer to do her bidding or whatever she wants - hehe.

A lovely girl that purchased two of my fairy canvases sent *me* a care package. I miss the "Black Phoenix" communities so much; the people within them are so friendly and helpful - and consider everyone to be true friends rather than words on a screen. She lives in Taiwan and sent me Japanese treats - pink and purple rock candy, pieces of mint-flavored chocolate in the shape of and packaged like "Band-Aids," a hand-made Valentine's Day card - and various other fun items. It was such a surprise and literally made me tear up. It amazes me sometimes that people who have never met me can often be nicer and more considerate than the people around me. I wish people believed in kindness more. It comes to naturally to some people to be nice or try to spread kindness that it's embarrassing or hard to even go back and try to think of all the little things that one does that would be considered kind.  It's just a part of some people's personality - like sending little cards or gifts to someone to make that person smile, bringing home a treat or dinner to a friend to surprise that person, or doing an errand or cleaning up something so that another person doesn't have to do it.  I don't know what happened to kindness, but I don't see it very much anymore extended to anyone.

It's very difficult when someone sees your weaknesses.  I do everything I can to hide my weaknesses from most people - I don't like to seem less than strong at times.  I pride myself in being a strong person - I've made it through things that I never thought that I had the constitution to make it through; I've even surprised myself.  I don't like to be vulnerable.  It's at that point that someone can hurt you the most if that person so chooses - and it terrifies me, because other people in the past have taken advantage of those times.  It's a touching experience when someone is nice to me during one of these times - who tries to make me laugh and forget about whatever is going on - I'm eternally grateful to these people, although, I'll always still have that little catch when I realize that someone is going to see me in a situation where I'm not feeling well or where I'm upset - not knowing how the other person is going to respond.

I'm tired of the games that some people play.  I know how to play with words - how to flirt, but I don't see every interaction as a game.  I guess when I was younger - I used to think that - and I still like to win.  I like knowing that people who have hurt me in the past couldn't forget me or tried to come back into my life later - and I was the one with the upper hand at that point - and I'm usually not very forgiving.  I don't understand people that don't take chances - who don't just go for it - if there is something that person wants - be it a job, a person, an item, a goal - whatever it is that the person desires - why doesn't that person just go for it?  Most of the time just a few words can lead to the path toward what a person wants - one won't always get what that person wants but it's always worth a try.  Meeting a goal, finding a dream job, finding the right person - these events are life altering and can result in life-long happiness.  In the past, I was so worried about "being the winner" and not letting someone know how I felt about a certain person, that I would often lose what I wanted because that person didn't think that I cared - they would move on.  I'm getting better every day at saying the things that I want to say; I used to not say anything that I wanted to for fear of the response.  The few seconds of a potentially poor response or silent response to what I say is not worth suppressing what I think or what I want to say to others for the rest of my life.

I found this online:

"Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell the asshole what you feel. Let someone know what they are missing. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Live life!"

"I guess you could say I've changed, but you never really knew me in the first place."

I was shopping for groceries and a male probably about 10 years younger than me that worked at the store came over and told me that he loved my outfit. He told me that most people look the same and that I stood out in a good way (I had a black dress on and stripey tights and these super cute platform peep toe shoes that I found and caved on accidentally...hehe). He came back around when I was checking out and joked with the cashier about giving me a "special discount." I'm not very good at talking to strangers. If I'm on the phone, sending a message or e-mail, or in a club/bar type environment (i.e. drinking...hehe), then I'm pretty good at it - other times, not so much ;)

I wish I could fix things. I always envy people that have the types of minds that can see something malfunctioning and just naturally know how to fix it - or at least have an idea as to how to fix it. I see a legal issue or a problem with a company, and I know how to fix those types of issues. I can write one hell of a letter, but I can't even change a tire. I think you always envy the things that you can't do and sometimes forget all of the types of things that you can handle. I have to remind myself sometimes that there are things that I can do well. 

I've been thinking lately about having too many opinions versus not having any at all. I have very strong opinions in certain issues: discrimination in any form, racism, sizeism, sexism, sexual discrimination, and disability/handicapped discrimination. I abhor hunting - I understand the rationale easier if a person eats what he/she catches instead of using the animals' parts as trophies. I believe that too often the "system" that helps people who truly need aid is criticized based on the manipulative activities of a few examples rather looking at the system and the people within it who need assistance as a whole.  Too many people think that the government is just handing out money, which is not the case - the processes that one has to go through to receive assistance and the scrutiny is much more complicated than one criticizing it may understand. I believe in financial aid for people that need it, housing assistance, food assistance - and, above all, I believe that healthcare should be a right - not a privilege. No one should have to lose everything because he or she is sick - and no one should not be able to be treated for painful or terminal conditions because that person cannot afford health insurance. Further, I believe the people in need of assistance should have had access to medical care before it became a condition exacerbated to the point of an emergency when it could have been treated preventatively.  I hate when people criticize something, before they research it or have all the facts.  How can you have an opinion on something if you don't know what you're talking about?  I hate bad drivers. I hate when people can't put their phones down - especially in movies - if they text all throughout a movie - it's just insane. I can't stand when people think that their time is somehow more important than mine and cut in front of me in line or do something unethical to save them time. If someone treats me unfairly or hurts my feelings, I'm going to say something about it or just not talk to that person any longer until that person cares enough to ask me what he or she has done and/or makes amends. But, with the little things, I just don't care - I'm not picky about unimportant things. I don't get mad if plans are changed - I don't care about going to a certain restaurant versus one I would have chosen if someone wants to go - I don't care about what goes on a sandwich. I especially don't care if someone else is doing something for me or being hospitable - that is a gift in itself - I'm never going to care about the specificities if someone is doing something *for* me without even being asked. I learned a long time ago that there are so many "big" things that happen that one has to deal with that the little things - they just don't matter and aren't worth even worrying about for a second.

 

After talking to my ex-boyfriend regarding a personal item that he still has, I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want in another person that I'll get close to.

(1) He has to be nice to me - he doesn't have to be a pushover (in fact, that would bug me - I like someone that can stand up for himself) - and he can be mean to other people when they deserve it (hehe), be sarcastic, tease me sometimes - but he still basically has to be nice to me. It can't be something that he tries really hard to do - it just has to come naturally. I'm so tired of running into men that can pretend to be nice for a very long time - and who aren't very nice at all. I seem to attract these types of men, and I'd like to break the pattern.

(2) He has to make me laugh. If someone has a wicked or teasing grin and can make me laugh, this is an irresistible combination for me.

(3) He doesn't have to say the right things at all the right times - but he has to say something - tell me some of the things that he thinks about or allow me to get to know him. I don't need a super romantic person - but, I'd like for him to at least be romantic or thoughtful sometimes - even if the effort is entirely clumsy, it's the effort that still counts.

(4) I like someone that thinks about things - not all the time but enough so that he is more than what is on the surface.

(5) I like it when someone seems to be interested and attracted to me - when he wants to know things about my past and who I am and can't let me walk by without touching me or get close to me without thinking about touching me (hehe - this sounds bad - in perverted or platonic ways :o ) If I'm doing all of "getting to know someone" type things and initating physical contact, then things are never going to work out.

(6) I like men that are sexual - my mom tells me that as you get older that sex isn't as important :P It's not the first thing that I look for - but, I'd like it to be part of a relationship. I love to be kissed, love foreplay - and all that comes after it. I guess I'm not old enough to be tired of sex yet (hehe)

(7) I like people who aren't predictable and who like to be adventuresome sometimes (in the sense that he wants to try new things). I like to be surprised every so often. I love the unexpected. I think life should be full of surprises.

I'm treating myself, finally, to a Villainess "Smack" today.  It's a gentle moisturizing scrub - and you can choose up to 4 scents to layer out of 24 - I'm so excited - now I just have to watch the male...(err...mail) - hehe.  The 4 scents I've chosen are:

Unearthed: Dark, loamy dirt and touch of antique patchouli.

Vanilla Bean: Perfection. Vanilla, neither rich, boozy, artificial nor creamed.

Chocolate Mousse: Smooth pools of decadent dark chocolate.

Coconut Milk: Cool coconut cream.

We'll see how it turns out :D