"She'll let you in her mouth...if the words you say are right"

With all the things going on with the people around me lately – I’ve been thinking a lot about addiction problems in general. It’s so ironic, because one of the ways that they tell you to keep yourself otherwise occupied and to get your focus off of your addiction – is to focus on something else that you like – however, I can see how easily that other focus or even focuses could become addictions too – how can you ever really break the cycle? For example, I like sex way too much (hehe) and shopping if I wanted to choose two of my very favorites things (people?....grin) to do. So, in the past, if I try to cut down on the shopping – which makes me happy and gets me excited – then I seem to have sex more which, most of the time anyway, creates the same effect. And, vice versa – it’s a wicked cycle. Even worse for people with “deadlier” addictions – although, I guess any addiction can be deadly in some way or life altering. I guess the whole point is to balance all of the things you love and achieve moderation. Good luck with this (hehe). As an aside, I’m not mocking addiction – I’ve lived with someone and have befriended someone for years that has had health, job, and personal problems resulting from the gravity of his addiction – I’ve just been so stressed – that I need to let it out in humor.

I made pendants with corks that hold perfume oils for Valentine’s Day for my mom and my sister-in-law and ordered the oils *over* a month ago – and I still haven’t received them so we have to wait to celebrate V-day with family. On a side note, we had to wait anyway because my mom decided that she didn’t want to be here for her birthday which is also on V-day. She went to Vegas with her husband. I wrote an e-mail to the company about the order not being here yet, because she had specifically sent me an e-mail letting me know that they would be here well before V-day. I started getting worried that they were lost in the mail and sent her a message. She was like, oh yeah, I had this and this and this problem and they were mailed about a day ago (this was February 14^th) – I was so annoyed. She didn’t offer to refund my shipping or anything. I’ve sold enough things on ebay and dealt with people from my mom’s site to know this just isn’t the way that you do business. She should have sent e-mails to her customers prior to them having to contact her and offered some type of “apology” – either monetary or in extra product. If there aren’t a few free samples in the package – if I ever get it – I’m going to send an e-mail and request that my shipping be refunded. I wouldn’t be so annoyed if she hadn’t sent me a personal e-mail telling me that she was happy that I chose her website for V-day gifts and guaranteed that they would be here in time – good lord, I ordered them in early January. The pendants are pretty cool – you can wear them around your neck or hang them around your rearview mirror to make your car smell good. The cork diffuses the perfume oil, so that it isn't overpowering. I’ve made a fairy one, a heart one, and a moon one so far. I get frustrated with the wire – I don’t have a lot of patience with some things (hehe). And, then other areas – I have enough patience to drive other people crazy – whatever works :D I want my Valentine’s Day presents, damnit – I know my mom got a me a nightie that I really wanted – it’s fuschia and semi-sheer – with a corset type back that comes up higher in the back than the front – so it shows the matching panties. *Excited* :D (See, the whole shopping thing again…hehe…or is that shopping and sex-based? Not sure…grin)

I read another really cool tip on a website about wearing a locket with a piece of cotton in it that you dab in your favorite perfume oil or spray with your favorite perfume - I've done this twice already - I bought a necklace with a large heart locket that has a black rose and other pendants dangling from it - it's really a neat idea. You can smell your perfume all night - w/out your skin absorbing all of it.

I got my belly button re-pierced this weekend - hehe :) The piercer was funny; he kept trying to make me laugh, so I wouldn't be nervous.

Him: "I had a bad weekend...I blew "chunks" after I got home Friday night..."

Him: "I have a dog named 'Chunks.'"

Geez...it took me a minute - I was so nervous, that I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying - he was going through a whole comedic monologue...(laugh) Very happy about having it redone though - he used a bigger needle than the woman that previously pierced me . I was trying to be a trooper and not gasp :D I got a stainless steel ring this time with blue sparkly stones - I wanted something different. Now, if it will just heal - so I can use all the belly rings that I got for Christmas, and that I had already bought last year before the evil gallbladder surgery :P

"I want to swim away but don't know how..."

When do you give up on someone? When do you finally say enough is enough and just cut the person loose? I guess it’s subjective to everyone and every different situation, but I have a really hard time with making this decision. I find it extremely difficult to give up on another human being – especially one that I’ve been close to for a long time or entangled with on and off for a long period of time. I am getting tired of people telling me just to get away from him. He takes care of me when I don't feel well; he talks to me when I'm lonely. These people aren't offering an alternative - my mom is the worst - let's get rid of your car, your house, you get rid of him and then I'll be out of town half the year when you need someone - but I can be there for you, I promise. I know he's not good for me on the whole. I know that he could be, and has been, a better person. I just don't know what I'd do without my best friend. If he makes it through the whole 30 days of the program, I am going to give him one more chance. If he doesn't go into the program or falls right back into his previous lifestyle when he returns - that's the end of it. I have my own deadline - and this feels like the right thing to do.

My mother was incredibly rude to me on Monday. We had talked last week, and we were discussing all of the jobs that I’ve applied for – and I mentioned to her that I would probably have to go to a temporary agency this week and that I had heard of a newer one that seems to get results. My roommate/best friend was supposed to be checked into a 28-day program on Monday for his drinking problem. He’s finally admitted to everyone that he can’t stop. Before now, it’s always “I can stop any time I want to, etc…” Once you walk away from three jobs, lie about money, hide alcohol, have disturbing liver results come up from a blood test – you would think that would all finally add up and point to the fact that there is a problem. Regardless, this is the very first time that he has admitted to someone that he cannot stop, and that he needs help. He’s been sober for 3 excruciating days. He has to stay sober until they check him in, or they won’t check him in – a “bed” is going to be open this Thursday or this next coming Monday. I then have a 30 day reprieve to decide what I want to do. I swear if I felt better, I would just get out of here – go to a new state – a new start – just get out of here. I hate this state; I’m only staying because I’m licensed here and my law license is basically useless currently anyway. I called my mother to let her know that he wouldn’t be checking in until next Monday (she was going to catch up all my utilities and make plans so that I could find another house to mortgage and live in while he’s gone) – and she was asking me if I was ready to go to Staffmark. I have no idea what she was talking about. One, I never planned on going with her – I don’t need a babysitter – I’ve applied for two handfuls of jobs already. Two, I never even mentioned Staffmark. Three, I never mentioned which day that I was going to go – some require appointments. She just flipped out and started being rude – I have no idea what was wrong with her. She’s the one who promised that she and her husband would help me make small repairs and paint and clean up so I can sell this monstrosity of a house. She hasn’t been here one time in 3 months, since she made that promise. I guess her and her husband had some type of disagreement about the “situation” with me, and she decided to call and take it out on me right before she leaves for yet another vacation – this time leaving a day before her birthday which is on Valentine’s Day. This was just insane – I hate when someone gets mad at me out of the blue; I like to know what I did wrong. I got really upset and her new trick is to hang up on me, and then I leave a bunch of messages after she turns off her phone. After I calmed down, I think I slept for about 10 hours straight. She took whatever mental/emotional energy I had left and just squashed it. I don’t think I’ve ever slept that hard.

I’m making perfume pendants for Valentine’s Day for my loved ones. They are really sweet little vials with corks in which you can twist wire around them and attach beads – you put the perfume oil in them (the corks function as diffusers) and can hang these around your neck as a pendant or use in your car as a car freshener. Mine is going to have a black heart and rose on it. My sister-in-law’s has a butterfly. And, for my mom’s vial – I bought iridescent wavy leaves and natural looking beads. I was trying to make each vial for everyone’s specific personality.

I had a *really* good time at a Valentine’s Day party that I attended last weekend. This was the first time I’ve been feeling well enough to get dressed up, dance, flirt – and just be my silly self in general. I made the mistake of not eating (I didn’t want to risk getting sick…hey, I had a new dress…laugh) – and drinking on top of an empty stomach. The nausea scared me for a few minutes – but I danced it off. I even behaved :D (mostly…kind of….at least 65%...hehe). I’ve been wanting to try a lemon drop shot for awhile now – but the bartender didn’t put sugar around the rim like you’re supposed to in order to counter the sourness of the lemon juice – so I’m going to try one again at a better bar sometime ;)

There is another bath-oriented website that I like called Isle of Eden ~click here if you want to see~ - I ordered a whipped bath cream that is just the most decadent thing that I’ve ever slid over my body (hehe...note the word over...grin) – it’s a rich white chocolate scent and I keep trying not to use it, so I won’t run out. I also purchased a sampler of their perfume oils – I like the smell of the oils but they are just kind of “normal” in comparison to my beloved Black Phoenix Alchemy Oils – but at least I’ve learned some scents that I want to get body creams in – definitely definitely have never felt bath creams so rich – can’t wait to get more when I’m finally gainfully employed again. Some of the scents that I want to try in bath creams (descriptions borrowed from the site):

Can'tSleep, Clowns Will Eat Me!

You'll smell it all! Pink Cotton Candy, Funnel Cake, and Delicious Candied Red Apple! An Isle of Eden exclusive.

A Princess on 7 Strawberry Lane

7 Strawberry Lane™ + A blend of lady apple, water lily, mandarin meringue, golden apricot skin, sheer floral notes, touched with dark chocolate, and ending with pink frosting, amber, warm woods, musk, and vanilla. Adding 7 Strawberry Lane™ to this (already smashing scent) just made it even more amazing. An Isle of Eden exclusive.

Wolf Bait

Proof that little girls shouldn’t go walking through the woods alone. Based on “Little Red Riding Hood,” this scent is good enough to eat. It contains rich brown sugar, pink sugar, and yummy good sugar cookies, which adds just a hint of spice. What more would any wolf want? An Isle of Eden exclusive.

And, yes…I always smell good…(hehe)…want proof? ;)

"She'll let you deep inside...but there's a secret garden she hides."

I used to not speak my mind as much as I do now - I tend to tell most people how I think now - except for the really cruel things - unless someone really really deserves it (you know who you are...) Don't you wish you could go back and find all the people in the past where you wished you had said something different or said what you truly felt? In honor of this...

You: You helped someone that I loved. You took someone that couldn’t tell how he felt to anyone and helped him to open doors. His father suffered a fate, because he kept everything inside and wouldn’t talk about anything – his fears, his pain, his anxiety – he didn’t even know how to talk to his own daughter. I know you don’t like me very much, because I lovingly pick on you like the rest of my family – but I care about you, and I thank you. You changed his life for the better.

You: I wish I wouldn't have told your best friend that I didn't have a "crush" on you. I thought you were funny and irresistibly cute - your friend just asked me in front of everyone else, and I was so self-conscious that I thought he was setting me up - and then would tell me that you didn't like me. He told me that you did like me after I told him that I didn't like you "that way." I heard about the girl that stood you up for prom. I would never have done that to you.

You: I loved you, and you made it seem like you really cared or loved me – and then you just disappeared. I was convenient and what you needed at the time. Then, you had the balls to just try to come back into my life again, because you needed someone again. I needed someone the whole time – love isn’t convenient – love is joy, pain, uncomfortable, sacrifice, stunning and fascinating in its dualities.

You: I still love you, and I hate you. You didn’t choose me. What was wrong with me? Why were you so scared of something different that you went back to what you knew even though you “claim” to hate it? Why do you act like you’re so strong when you’re obviously not? You let her control you. You must love her, and it hurts for me to acknowledge that. I don’t want to see you anymore. Please don’t call. You’ve already called once past this decision, and it was so hard not to answer the phone. Please don’t call anymore.

You: I’m not sure you even merit even a paragraph – maybe a sentence or two. You’re immature. You lie, and you think people believe you – and you go around saying that the one thing that you are is honest. You’re worried people will judge you over superficial things – if someone is concerned about those things – those people aren’t worth your time anyway. Maybe one day you’ll grow up – you have a long way to go – if only you weren’t so interesting in bed.

You: You just disappointed me. I don’t know what to say to you. You’re not what you seem. I hate people that deceive others on purpose. I like straightforward, direct people – you don’t have to be Einstein – just be able to make me laugh, love me and don’t hurt me on purpose, be dependable, and be honest.

You: You hurt me the worst of all. You hurt yourself too, but I believe that you hurt me more, because I remember it all and you never will. You’ll never fully appreciate the words that were said and screamed, the embarrassment when I had to call my brother, mom, or the police, the pushing, the threats, the disappointment, the betrayal, the lies, the stealing – you’ll never fully appreciate how much you’ve taken from me. I hate who you’ve become. I try to say it’s not the real you – but it is the real you – you’ll never be how you were again – you can become someone better than now but you can never get back to where you were before. It’s a tragic loss.

You: You were a stranger that just called me a name in a department store. I was only 16 and very shy. I went over in my head so many times what I should have said to you - you said it under your breath so your mom or my mom didn't hear - I wish I would have went up to your mom and held you accountable for your rudeness and unbelievable gull - she probably wouldn't have cared b/c you probably had heard her say the same things about others. I'll never know.

You: You need psychiatric help even more than I do. You’re wounded, but you’re also a coward. I can’t fault you – I’m a coward a lot of the time too. We had conversations that just naturally flowed - hours would pass in the blink of an eye. We totally got along and were compatible but you’ll let what society and your “buddies” think of you and the pain you’ve suffered in the past determine who and how close you get to someone – I hope you find happiness one day. I had one amazing moment with you. I’ll never forget it.

You: You’re just clueless. I looked up to you for about a month – I just feel sorry for you now – putting your crude words and pitiful artwork online and bragging about it trying to pretend that you’re somehow less pathetic than the rest of us. True talent needs no boasting. You were wickedly cruel to me in a moment that I will never forget – my mouth fell open – and the saddest part is that it had no effect on you – you contacted me later and didn’t even remember how rude you were to me. You will never find happiness – you can only find happiness if you show who you really are to people, and people respond to the real you. You’ll never stop hiding behind who you wish you were to accept who you really are – I feel sorry for you sometimes.

You: You irrevocably changed someone that I love more than anything. If you can’t love someone without taking the most beautiful and precious parts of her personality away, then it’s just not love in my definition. You think you’re smarter than everyone else just because you’re older and that’s your downfall. Once you think you know it all – you cease to ever know anything else. You’ve done it to yourself. You deserve to suffer from it – but, because you think you know everything and you know what’s best for everyone – you’ll never even realize that you should be suffering – how wildly unfair.

You: I can't figure you out. I fell for you at one time, I don't feel that way for you anymore. I'm on the fence sometimes on whether you attract me or not. You're decent sexually, but you've just killed your mind so badly. I can't imagine dulling my mind to the degree that you have. When you kiss me, you used to not kiss me, I can feel the parts of you that care about me - the parts of you that want to be with someone that loves you and vice versa. I feel sorry for you sometimes. I've never kissed someone and felt his pain in the kiss. It hurts me for you.

You: You’ve lost so much of yourself, and I hate that and it’s not your fault – I don’t think you realize that it’s happened, but I still love you dearly. You’re getting older, and it scares me more than me getting older – I didn’t think anything could scare me more than me getting older. I look at you and still see a young person when you smile and we’re out laughing and doing things – I look at other people your age, and you sincerely do look so much younger - but every once in awhile, I see a glimpse of the wrinkles or hear you talk about something like not believing what number your upcoming birthday is, and I have to force myself to face that you’re getting older. Please don’t get older. I can’t imagine my life without you. You’re one of the only two people that I can come to if I can’t go to anyone else.

This is a small representation of the people that have had some lasting effect on my life. The one thing I've learned from going through this list is one, I'm in a pissy mood because my stomach isn't getting better as fast as I would like (if ever), and two, the most important one, is watch your words and actions. You can do such little things to people - even strangers, and it affects them and they remember for the rest of their lives. People need to be more accountable and conscious of the effect that they have on others. Take a minute and stop and think every once awhile - who have you hurt in the past? Who have you helped? Who could you help? I wonder who I've hurt other than the ones that readily come to mind - not surprisingly, a lesser number than the people I've allowed to hurt me. And, I'm sorry to those that I have hurt.