I used to not speak my mind as much as I do now - I tend to tell most people how I think now - except for the really cruel things - unless someone really really deserves it (you know who you are...) Don't you wish you could go back and find all the people in the past where you wished you had said something different or said what you truly felt? In honor of this...
You: You helped someone that I loved. You took someone that couldn’t tell how he felt to anyone and helped him to open doors. His father suffered a fate, because he kept everything inside and wouldn’t talk about anything – his fears, his pain, his anxiety – he didn’t even know how to talk to his own daughter. I know you don’t like me very much, because I lovingly pick on you like the rest of my family – but I care about you, and I thank you. You changed his life for the better.
You: I wish I wouldn't have told your best friend that I didn't have a "crush" on you. I thought you were funny and irresistibly cute - your friend just asked me in front of everyone else, and I was so self-conscious that I thought he was setting me up - and then would tell me that you didn't like me. He told me that you did like me after I told him that I didn't like you "that way." I heard about the girl that stood you up for prom. I would never have done that to you.
You: I loved you, and you made it seem like you really cared or loved me – and then you just disappeared. I was convenient and what you needed at the time. Then, you had the balls to just try to come back into my life again, because you needed someone again. I needed someone the whole time – love isn’t convenient – love is joy, pain, uncomfortable, sacrifice, stunning and fascinating in its dualities.
You: I still love you, and I hate you. You didn’t choose me. What was wrong with me? Why were you so scared of something different that you went back to what you knew even though you “claim” to hate it? Why do you act like you’re so strong when you’re obviously not? You let her control you. You must love her, and it hurts for me to acknowledge that. I don’t want to see you anymore. Please don’t call. You’ve already called once past this decision, and it was so hard not to answer the phone. Please don’t call anymore.
You: I’m not sure you even merit even a paragraph – maybe a sentence or two. You’re immature. You lie, and you think people believe you – and you go around saying that the one thing that you are is honest. You’re worried people will judge you over superficial things – if someone is concerned about those things – those people aren’t worth your time anyway. Maybe one day you’ll grow up – you have a long way to go – if only you weren’t so interesting in bed.
You: You just disappointed me. I don’t know what to say to you. You’re not what you seem. I hate people that deceive others on purpose. I like straightforward, direct people – you don’t have to be Einstein – just be able to make me laugh, love me and don’t hurt me on purpose, be dependable, and be honest.
You: You hurt me the worst of all. You hurt yourself too, but I believe that you hurt me more, because I remember it all and you never will. You’ll never fully appreciate the words that were said and screamed, the embarrassment when I had to call my brother, mom, or the police, the pushing, the threats, the disappointment, the betrayal, the lies, the stealing – you’ll never fully appreciate how much you’ve taken from me. I hate who you’ve become. I try to say it’s not the real you – but it is the real you – you’ll never be how you were again – you can become someone better than now but you can never get back to where you were before. It’s a tragic loss.
You: You were a stranger that just called me a name in a department store. I was only 16 and very shy. I went over in my head so many times what I should have said to you - you said it under your breath so your mom or my mom didn't hear - I wish I would have went up to your mom and held you accountable for your rudeness and unbelievable gull - she probably wouldn't have cared b/c you probably had heard her say the same things about others. I'll never know.
You: You need psychiatric help even more than I do. You’re wounded, but you’re also a coward. I can’t fault you – I’m a coward a lot of the time too. We had conversations that just naturally flowed - hours would pass in the blink of an eye. We totally got along and were compatible but you’ll let what society and your “buddies” think of you and the pain you’ve suffered in the past determine who and how close you get to someone – I hope you find happiness one day. I had one amazing moment with you. I’ll never forget it.
You: You’re just clueless. I looked up to you for about a month – I just feel sorry for you now – putting your crude words and pitiful artwork online and bragging about it trying to pretend that you’re somehow less pathetic than the rest of us. True talent needs no boasting. You were wickedly cruel to me in a moment that I will never forget – my mouth fell open – and the saddest part is that it had no effect on you – you contacted me later and didn’t even remember how rude you were to me. You will never find happiness – you can only find happiness if you show who you really are to people, and people respond to the real you. You’ll never stop hiding behind who you wish you were to accept who you really are – I feel sorry for you sometimes.
You: You irrevocably changed someone that I love more than anything. If you can’t love someone without taking the most beautiful and precious parts of her personality away, then it’s just not love in my definition. You think you’re smarter than everyone else just because you’re older and that’s your downfall. Once you think you know it all – you cease to ever know anything else. You’ve done it to yourself. You deserve to suffer from it – but, because you think you know everything and you know what’s best for everyone – you’ll never even realize that you should be suffering – how wildly unfair.
You: I can't figure you out. I fell for you at one time, I don't feel that way for you anymore. I'm on the fence sometimes on whether you attract me or not. You're decent sexually, but you've just killed your mind so badly. I can't imagine dulling my mind to the degree that you have. When you kiss me, you used to not kiss me, I can feel the parts of you that care about me - the parts of you that want to be with someone that loves you and vice versa. I feel sorry for you sometimes. I've never kissed someone and felt his pain in the kiss. It hurts me for you.
You: You’ve lost so much of yourself, and I hate that and it’s not your fault – I don’t think you realize that it’s happened, but I still love you dearly. You’re getting older, and it scares me more than me getting older – I didn’t think anything could scare me more than me getting older. I look at you and still see a young person when you smile and we’re out laughing and doing things – I look at other people your age, and you sincerely do look so much younger - but every once in awhile, I see a glimpse of the wrinkles or hear you talk about something like not believing what number your upcoming birthday is, and I have to force myself to face that you’re getting older. Please don’t get older. I can’t imagine my life without you. You’re one of the only two people that I can come to if I can’t go to anyone else.
This is a small representation of the people that have had some lasting effect on my life. The one thing I've learned from going through this list is one, I'm in a pissy mood because my stomach isn't getting better as fast as I would like (if ever), and two, the most important one, is watch your words and actions. You can do such little things to people - even strangers, and it affects them and they remember for the rest of their lives. People need to be more accountable and conscious of the effect that they have on others. Take a minute and stop and think every once awhile - who have you hurt in the past? Who have you helped? Who could you help? I wonder who I've hurt other than the ones that readily come to mind - not surprisingly, a lesser number than the people I've allowed to hurt me. And, I'm sorry to those that I have hurt.
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