"You came near to me and you endeared to me but you couldn't quite discern me."

Why do some people always assume that they can get away with anything and that they are smarter than others? I don't mind someone thinking he/she is smarter than I am if he/she truly is - but it just kills me when someone tries to pacify me with made-up stories. That just doesn't work with me. I giggle a lot and can turn any subject (yes, any subject...test me if you must) into something perverted, but I am not stupid. I'm not a naive person anymore that just believes anything that someone tells me. If you've done something wrong to someone, just admit it - a smart person is going to respect you so much more for doing so. Life is too short to make up lies and play games (unless they involve toys and/or other naked people - the game part not the lying part...laugh) :P

I drank tonight - I shouldn't have - I have a headache now and it's totally my fault. This person...this person that was probably the 4th person that I ever truly fell for - who didn't choose me - who chose to become entangled with someone else - he just keeps coming back into my life. He kept coming by tonight, but I just never ran into him. How do you forget someone if he keeps coming back in your life? Entangled with a capital "E." I hate that there is at least one person that I can't say "no" to - I can say no to *anyone* and not feel bad about it. Why can't I just say no to this person and then go through the process of just forgetting this person? I swear I have some part of my brain that is missing.

Tonight was odd - all of these people coming back from my past - it made me think of past relationships or interactions and no matter how all of them ended up - I at least got *something* out of each one. (And, yes, I'm going to bore you with my life lessons...feel free to stop reading now...and you can't say later that I didn't warn you.)

1st - I learned with him that there are things that you can say that can never be taken back - you can apologize for them endlessly but the other person will always remember what was said - it tears at your soul. If you know someone really well, you not only know how to make that person happy better than anyone else - you also know how to hurt that person more than anyone else. A hard trade-off. My first relationship also killed my "trust someone until he/she gives you a reason not to" philosophy. I start out with zero trust now and wait until the person shows that he/she is trustworthy.

2nd - Living with an alcoholic hurts you as much as the alcoholic is hurting himself. This one almost did me in emotion-wise. People that want to keep drinking will do anything to continue - lie, fight, break things, break you - whatever he can to make sure he can keep buying alcohol and keep drinking alcohol. This isn't a fate that I would wish on anyone. This one taught me to doubt more things that come out of someone's mouth or look for an addiction and/or untrustworthy motivation that led that person to say what he said - a lot of things should be examined further and not taken at face value - even with someone you trust. I don't like being duped just because I loved someone. Alcohol irrevocably changes someone - you'll get pieces of that person back eventually but never the full person. He lost years of his life that he'll never get back and never remember. He disappointed me so many times and said so many things that I'll never forget. The price you pay for being the sober one.

3rd - Some non-verbal kissing tips and never trust anything someone says in the pursuit of sex ;)

4th - Some people you fall for just don't fall for you in return.

5th - I learned from this one that sometimes a person is the perfect person for you...just not at that moment. As you get older (ugh), you can tell when someone hasn't gone through some of the trials that you've gone through. No matter how intelligent that person is - he just doesn't understand and you just can't explain it to him. This has happened a few times and it really saddens me - I'll talk to someone for awhile and be attracted to that person but eventually come to the realization that the person would be perfect for me but only if that person had been through "x" many more years of life.

6th - The One that drives me insane. The One that didn't choose me but still comes around me. In all fairness, this person probably didn't realize that I was an option. But, would he have "chosen" me if I was a viable option? I'm not sure what I've learned from this one yet, and I'm not sure I want to analyze it - this one is still raw even after years of passing time.

7th - I got a song from this one - a song that I may have never found on my own but that touches me. I also had the opportunity to watch someone that wasn't for me at one point grow and then become a person that I could be with - this one didn't work out - I'm not sure what I did wrong. I don't think this person was as serious as he led me to believe about being with me. I fought this one almost the whole time and then gave in and ended up being hurt anyway.

There were other interactions in between...mostly just a lot of sordid, sexual ones and interactions that I have no idea how they will end up or where they will go (hehe). My head hurts, my heart hurts...I'll tackle the sordid another time.

"You make me sick...you wanna lick my wounds, don't you baby?"

I'm such a pervert. I'm in yet another battle to get another Internet provider, since Comcast will not replace my cable line no matter how many phone calls and letters that I write to the corporate office. They have decided that it has been fixed, since nothing is showing in error on their end. All you have to do is try to use my home phone for 5 minutes (I have Vonage so it uses the cable line) or try to use Yahoo or continuously flip through webpages for a few minutes, and you can sit here and watch it connect and reconnect over and over. I've switched to AT&T DSL and phone service, and they have already tried to make an appointment to come and install my new lines twice - it's been over 2 weeks. Now, Vonage will not transfer my number with any type of expediency. I've sent 3 e-mails to Vonage - have made 5 phone calls and now I'm told that they will expedite it; however, the department that promises to expedite the number transfer doesn't have a "dedicated" number that the public can call back on Please, I know this game. So, I have to go through 10 grueling minutes of customer service automated choices and explaining the same problem again to a first level phone operator every time that I want to contact them. What a nightmare. Good lord, I just want to play spades online again sometimes (when it disconnects - I get bumped out of rated games over and over and it's killing my ratings, and I never get to finish a game).

Wow, I got so caught up that I forgot why I'm a pervert today ;) I had to read a number/letter combination that AT&T has assigned to my phone number to check on the status on the transfer - and I swear, some of the letters were the letters that can sound too similar to another letter, like "n" or "p" - I had to stop myself like 3 times from giving *awful* words to distinguish the letters. I used to do this to make my family laugh - like p as in penis and n as in nut, etc (I know, I have a stereotypical 18 year old male's mind in my body - it's very sad). She finally saved me and started repeating "n" as in Nancy (OH, yeah - nancy... :P ). It's funny that a phone call to a telephone company can make you realize how much of a pervert you are - and not the inordinate amount of sex that you've been having lately (and, yes...that was just an example...grin).

I'm amusing myself by ordering free samples on the Internet. I ordered my brother a tampon sample to be funny.

I was thinking today that it's so odd how some men treat curvier or fuller-figured women - or, how people treat them in general. We don't feel any different on the inside (no pun intended...hehe) - I don't wake up and walk around and just feel different than anyone else until someone else does or says something to make me feel different or until I see the way someone overweight is portrayed (or the absence of a portrayal) in the media or on tv. We still feel sexy - we still have skills - we still like to dance, dress provocatively on occasion. If people didn't treat overweight people differently, we wouldn't have to deal with near as many hang-ups about it that we do. I don't worry about it as much anymore. My stomach is so screwed up all the time, that as long as I'm feeling well - it's a good day and I'm happy with myself. I'm certainly not giving up naughty lingerie, low-cut evening clothes, dancing, figuring out how many household chores that I can get away with doing nude, etc...(grin)

I was thinking last night as I drafted a modification to a will, a codicil, for one of my mom's relatives that I had just made as much in an hour that I did working all day at my previous firm, since I was salaried. That's pretty sad. I wish I had more courtroom experience; I would just open an office on my own. If only I could find someone that wanted to do all courtroom work, then I would happily do all of the phone calls/research/writing, etc - it would be a perfect match.

I've learned many things from selling things on ebay - I've been selling my clothing that is too big now or that I just don't wear anymore. People are just freaking nuts. And, yes, I already knew this - but I just didn't realize how many people are, indeed, nuts. I make my descriptions *very* brief w/only the necessary information. People ask me things that are right there in front of them - such as, what is the waist measurement? I've been asked what shipping to Canada will be on an item - there's a *shipping calculator* right there on the page - so I have to calculate it for Canada on my page and send the amount back. This is just insane - this isn't even nuts - this is just not paying attention to the details. I don't think enough people realize how important the DETAILS are in everything you do, from work to being a good lover.

Speaking of details, I do owe a special thank you - sorry that I misjudged you - to someone that has been very sweet to me lately and has talked to me when I'm not making any sense, not feeling well, or when I'm being my normal, obnoxious, talking a mile a minute, seeing how many innuendos that I can fit into a sentence self. I have to remember to put good things about people in my blogs - instead of just bad things - this one is considered canceled out now (teasing grin).

I haven't typed for awhile and my hand is feeling numb - god forbid that I damage my right hand