Why do some people always assume that they can get away with anything and that they are smarter than others? I don't mind someone thinking he/she is smarter than I am if he/she truly is - but it just kills me when someone tries to pacify me with made-up stories. That just doesn't work with me. I giggle a lot and can turn any subject (yes, any subject...test me if you must) into something perverted, but I am not stupid. I'm not a naive person anymore that just believes anything that someone tells me. If you've done something wrong to someone, just admit it - a smart person is going to respect you so much more for doing so. Life is too short to make up lies and play games (unless they involve toys and/or other naked people - the game part not the lying part...laugh) :P
I drank tonight - I shouldn't have - I have a headache now and it's totally my fault. This person...this person that was probably the 4th person that I ever truly fell for - who didn't choose me - who chose to become entangled with someone else - he just keeps coming back into my life. He kept coming by tonight, but I just never ran into him. How do you forget someone if he keeps coming back in your life? Entangled with a capital "E." I hate that there is at least one person that I can't say "no" to - I can say no to *anyone* and not feel bad about it. Why can't I just say no to this person and then go through the process of just forgetting this person? I swear I have some part of my brain that is missing.
Tonight was odd - all of these people coming back from my past - it made me think of past relationships or interactions and no matter how all of them ended up - I at least got *something* out of each one. (And, yes, I'm going to bore you with my life lessons...feel free to stop reading now...and you can't say later that I didn't warn you.)
1st - I learned with him that there are things that you can say that can never be taken back - you can apologize for them endlessly but the other person will always remember what was said - it tears at your soul. If you know someone really well, you not only know how to make that person happy better than anyone else - you also know how to hurt that person more than anyone else. A hard trade-off. My first relationship also killed my "trust someone until he/she gives you a reason not to" philosophy. I start out with zero trust now and wait until the person shows that he/she is trustworthy.
2nd - Living with an alcoholic hurts you as much as the alcoholic is hurting himself. This one almost did me in emotion-wise. People that want to keep drinking will do anything to continue - lie, fight, break things, break you - whatever he can to make sure he can keep buying alcohol and keep drinking alcohol. This isn't a fate that I would wish on anyone. This one taught me to doubt more things that come out of someone's mouth or look for an addiction and/or untrustworthy motivation that led that person to say what he said - a lot of things should be examined further and not taken at face value - even with someone you trust. I don't like being duped just because I loved someone. Alcohol irrevocably changes someone - you'll get pieces of that person back eventually but never the full person. He lost years of his life that he'll never get back and never remember. He disappointed me so many times and said so many things that I'll never forget. The price you pay for being the sober one.
3rd - Some non-verbal kissing tips and never trust anything someone says in the pursuit of sex ;)
4th - Some people you fall for just don't fall for you in return.
5th - I learned from this one that sometimes a person is the perfect person for you...just not at that moment. As you get older (ugh), you can tell when someone hasn't gone through some of the trials that you've gone through. No matter how intelligent that person is - he just doesn't understand and you just can't explain it to him. This has happened a few times and it really saddens me - I'll talk to someone for awhile and be attracted to that person but eventually come to the realization that the person would be perfect for me but only if that person had been through "x" many more years of life.
6th - The One that drives me insane. The One that didn't choose me but still comes around me. In all fairness, this person probably didn't realize that I was an option. But, would he have "chosen" me if I was a viable option? I'm not sure what I've learned from this one yet, and I'm not sure I want to analyze it - this one is still raw even after years of passing time.
7th - I got a song from this one - a song that I may have never found on my own but that touches me. I also had the opportunity to watch someone that wasn't for me at one point grow and then become a person that I could be with - this one didn't work out - I'm not sure what I did wrong. I don't think this person was as serious as he led me to believe about being with me. I fought this one almost the whole time and then gave in and ended up being hurt anyway.
There were other interactions in between...mostly just a lot of sordid, sexual ones and interactions that I have no idea how they will end up or where they will go (hehe). My head hurts, my heart hurts...I'll tackle the sordid another time.
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