"I thought that you'd be here by now..."

Picture compliments of my blog-less incredibly bright, witty, sexy friend :)

I've been in the foulest mood today. It's just one of those days, where I can't even garner the energy to pretend that I'm not in a bad mood and being a complete bitch. I went to my mom's Halloween party during the day which was fun - of course, I was running late. The back of my costume closes with a corset tie, so it's really hard to get in and out of it (umm...this could be bad...laugh). My mom was in her punk rocker garb and looked really cute. My mom always looks cute - she's 5 foot (laugh) My mom is seeing a therapist today, because she's so stressed out because I've been stomach sick and her husband doesn't want her assisting me in any way - mentally or financially. I try not to ask for anything unless it's a dire emergency. She pays me for the maintenance of her website already. She said that she has "too many opinions;" however, she acknowledged that I'm not really voicing one in this situation so I think she just means one opinion. I feel really bad - I'm not sure if there is anything I can do at this point. She was supposed to meet me the other day at 11:00 a.m. and her husband heard her talking to me and planning a time. She wasn't able to make it over here to pick me up until noon, and she slipped and told me that she swore that he was "subconsciously" stalling on purpose so that she would be late to do things with me. How childish is this? He's not doing it subconsciously; he knows what he's doing. He never liked how close my mom, brother, and I were when he met my mom. How could we not be close? Her husband died at 44; our father died when we were 19 and 17. We all only had each other. We had been mostly that way before. My father worked all of the time - I mean all of the time. He was saving a mass amount of money for retirement but retirement never came. I have a hard time balancing now the urge to not save it all for a rainy day because that day may never come versus living for today. It's a very fine balance; I haven't mastered it. We wanted to make her new husband a part of our family; we really did want to - after some initial adjusting time. Our family is really small; my brother is the last male that can carry on the family name. I never mind an addition to our family. He just hates us - ok, so he hates me more than anyone else. I don't know why; I've turned it over and over in my brain and I still don't have a very good answer.

My grandmother hated me too. She liked women who were quiet or people even that were quiet and that didn't question things that she said. I physically cannot keep my mouth shut if someone is saying something that I strongly disagree with or that I know is wrong. I just can't :P She didn't like silly people either. Especially people that laughed/giggled during activities like craft activities that I suppose she thought one was supposed to be serious during - I'm just not like that - I get it done and well but I have fun doing anything that I can. I remember one time when I was a kid she asked me and one of my friends to help her hang "plastic easter eggs" from her large tree in her front yard. You close a piece of yarn in one of the eggs and then close the end of the long piece of yarn in another easter egg, so that you can throw them over the branches and then they hang down. I had a ball - I was laughing and my friend was laughing and we were being silly - and my grandmother actually got mad and told us that "this was serious work." Maybe my grandmother lived in a household where silliness was never an option; her father left her mother when she was very young.

My best friend/roommate is really being nasty to me lately. I don't understand this either. He has become such a liar. I have a really hard time dealing with dishonest people. He just lies about everything. I got up yesterday morning and the hot water wasn't working; he told me that he went outside and talked to a "gas" person who indicated that they were working on the lines and that the gas would be back on later that night or the next day at the latest. I asked him to call again that night, and he told me that it would be back on by morning. Well, today at 3:00 p.m., I told him that I saw a door hanger on our front door. He told me that it was just a warning telling us that the gas would be off. I asked him why no one else had them on their doors, and he told me that they probably already took them inside. To end this excruciatingly long story, it was actually a shut-off notice that he could have just told me about *yesterday* (pre cold shower and a night of no heat) - and I could have just went and paid it. He's responsible for the gas bill, so I guess he thought he would just lie about it so I wouldn't get mad. This is so ridiculously dumb. Why lie about something so dumb? It was obviously going to be figured out eventually. I had to pay an extra $100 to get it turned back on today. What a mess.

I also don't understand why he is so nice to his other "friends" and the most disrespectful to me. His "friends" are great to pal around with when he is drinking or when he is just randomly calling people to talk about nothing with; however, when he really needs helps - not *one* of them is there. Just me. Yet, I'm the one that he treats the worst - takes for granted. He fell asleep in my room tonight and refused to wake up and get up. I drug my laptop and a cover into my artroom and am sleeping in here. This is obviously a situation I have to end. I just don't want to lose my best friend. Everything goes wrong at the same time.

I worry too much lately that my life is just slipping by, and I can't stop it. It's just running through my fingers. I need to figure out how to slow it down and get back in control of some of it - or at least feel like I've gained some control of it. I worry too much also that I'm changing into someone that I don't like. I'm not the same person as I was last year. My stomach is getting better, but slowly, and I feel like I've lost so much time. There are so many things that I still want to do, and I feel like everyone is ahead of me sometimes. I've always been pessimistic but lately I've been thinking many more bitter comments than usual. I hope this will pass; I don't want to be this person. I want to be who I really am - the one that sings in the car to cds at the top of her lungs and makes perverted comments at the precise moment that the waiter/waitress steps up behind her. I miss me sometimes. I hope she's still in there somewhere when all of this passes.

"I love the way you smack my ass...I love the dirty things you do."

I suck at hearts. No matter how many times I try to play that game, I still suck. I don’t understand how I can be such a good spades player and suck so badly at a similar game. It drives me crazy :P I like to win games. I like to win period. It’s very odd having a stomach problem with a holiday coming up that is wholly based on food. Thankfully, it’s my birthday on Thanksgiving too this year – so I get two holidays in one :D (Doing the "it's my birthday dance..." hehe) Of course, my birthday is much preferred, because I get presents. Oh, come on, you know you like presents just as much as I do. And, I get SPANKINGS – yes, you read correctly, I’m taking applications for 34 (+ one to grow on) SPANKINGS. First come, first served (hehe).

It’s very hard to make my mother mad and react, but I finally did it this week. I’ve been so quiet over these months that her husband won’t let her help me financially and finally she just really pissed me off with the whole not going to be here for Christmas for the first time in 34 years thing. So, we’ve gotten into it over the phone, via e-mail, in person – just around and around. I ordered her every Christmas-based catalog that I could find on the Internet to be sent to her house. I ordered her a bunch of religious pamphlets, even a DVD, on the spirit and meaning of Christmas (hehe). (Yes, I realize how petty I am – it doesn’t happen often – but, when it does, I indulge – leave me alone :P ) I told her that I was going to send her husband’s family a Christmas card thanking them for not inviting us to Christmas. I think that was the point when I finally got a reaction out of her – it wasn’t for a lack of trying :P I feel like my brother when I pick on someone (laugh). She claims that her husband invited himself to his son’s house on Christmas. Still, if you’re not a complete idiot, you’re going to realize the rest of her small family is going to be stuck here alone. The whole thing just irritates me to no end. On a brighter side of things, she paid my delinquent car payments. The plan is that I sell my car to pay for my house, until I can first find out if I need my gallbladder out and then heal and get back to full time employment. Full-time employment doesn’t even sound bad compared to how bad I feel all of the time. I’ve been keeping a symptom and “foods consumed” diary, so I can show my gastroenterologist and mother how much stomach pain plus everything associated with it takes up the majority of most of my days.

I’m making a Christmas list – everyone in my family typically makes one – but I make one to Santa to amuse myself (yes, once again, I realize that I am a child – leave me alone…hehe). I just don’t think holidays, birthday parties, silly indulgences should end just because you get older. I don’t know who made that rule, but I think it’s just stupid. Adults enjoy a lot of the same things kids do – we, most of us anyway, just don’t pee in our beds anymore :P

The securities job is really worrying me. I’m not sure what to do. I’m not worried at all about the tests. I would have to take the Arkansas Life and Health Insurance classes and exam and the series 7 examination. The series 7 is the harder of the two – it’s a six-hour exam – but the BAR was a 2 day exam – I think I’ll live :P The part that concerns me still is the “who you know” part. I just don’t think I know that many people that I could make appointments for financial packages, life insurance, etc with – I think this would be the impediment to any success that I could find in this job, and I’m not really certain if I can overcome it.

What the hell is wrong with people meeting 14 and 16-year old girls on the Internet? I’ve now heard about multiple people that have been caught trying to do this that I know. This worries me on so many levels. One, I’m obviously associating with the wrong type of people. Two, these are *children.* It doesn’t matter if she “sounds” 40, sounds mature, promises you sex – she is STILL a child. This has been all over the news/press, and I don’t even WATCH the news, and I know about it. How can these people not suspect something? This just baffles me. I remember in high school there was this guy with a FULL BEARD (laugh) I used to just look at him in awe. So, I know how differently people can look from their ages – I just always remember the beard guy. (hehe) If I meet someone that has just told me his age and he’s 22-26, I even ask to see an I.D. :P I may do it in a playful way, but still – people LIE, people don’t always look their ages, if someone tells you that she’s 14-16, she’s a CHILD in comparison to YOU if you are in your 20's, 30's, 40's, and so on.

"This is the noise that keeps me awake...my head explodes and my body aches."

It was really strange. I woke up Wednesday morning and just had this urge to smile - this feeling that something good was going to happen. This hardly ever occurs - especially lately, since things have been such a mess because of all the stomach problems and financial problems (and, yeah...stopping this whole line of thought here...) Anyway, obviously, my psychic powers suck (the best word that fits), because my mother informed me that she "might" not be here for Christmas this year. Well, if you know my mother, you know that this means that she will not be here for Christmas this year. My mom doesn't do well at confrontation, and you would think if it was something she was firmly for, she would have just told me two weeks ago, like she did with my brother. I may be in my 30's, but we have never had one Christmas where our family was not together for the holiday. My brother, mom, and I, and then either her current husband or my father *always* have Christmas together. Christmas is my absolutely most favorite time of the year. Not just because I love presents (which you all know that I do), I love to give presents more. I love to give someone the perfect gift and watch someone's facial expression when he/she opens my gift. I love the lights, the trees, the overly warm houses, the cold weather, waking up with chilly feet, waking up with cats all over me b/c they are cold, singing Christmas songs (replacing all of my hip-hop music with cheesy Christmas carols in my car dvd player), the board games my family plays, wrapping presents, tieing bows, making cookies, and a million more things. It's just a time, where a feeling of calm settles and nothing else matters, because you have your family and everyone is happy and together. I can drive over to my mom's house in my pink, fuzzy bunny slippers and nightgown and not worry about make-up or even brushing my hair. We do stockings for everyone in the family. I start in November gathering fun things for stockings. Well, her husband has finally decided that they are going out of town for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Let it be known that most of the other holidays are no longer sacred since she remarried - she has been out of town, at one time or another, for all of them except for Christmas, including Thanksgiving Day and my birthday. She has never left the rest of her family here on Christmas - just never. I lost it when she told me. I started crying, screaming, and just threw the phone. (Yeah, I throw things when I'm mad...bite me). Just with all the other bad things going on - being in stomach pain all of the time and just missing so much of life lately - I don't feel like I have many things to look forward to lately and she has taken away a significantly joyful occasion. She said that her "poor" husband has been asking to go see his grandchildren for Christmas for 7 years (give me a break - he visits them and they visit him and they would be invited to our Christmas ANY year - my brother and I would never exclude any additional family). He has finally won and is taking my mother away at the most important time of the year. I just feel like I can't breathe just thinking about it. I'm going to be stuck here all alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My brother and his wife like to open their presents to one another alone - and spend either Christmas Eve or Christmas afternoon with her family. I will be left essentially alone. You go from having family all around to nothing. She also wants me to make my best friend/ex/roommate leave, before she will help me move on with selling my house, etc. I took her painting, the portrait, that she did of me to her art studio in the middle of the night with a long letter. I don't even want to look at it ever again. It just sits in my room staring at me, mocking me - my whole room was designed around it. It's a person that I no longer am - and she obviously doesn't see me in the same light anymore - just b/c I'm sick - b/c I'm sick and having trouble staying "up" enough to find another job. My mom used to the be the person that I would wake up in the middle night from having nightmares about what I would do if something happened to her. Now, it feels like I don't even know her anymore. I don't agree with everything she does - but I would NEVER let it effect whether I would help her. I would help her with anything without her even asking. I always would. My letter essentially explained what I appear to be rehashing in my brain for the 2nd time at least and that she obviously just wants me to be stuck in my bedroom alone with a tree and my pets for Christmas with no one else around. I told her that I hope when she's drinking a rum/coke on Christmas Eve and sitting there in front of a fire with his family that she feels happy with what she's chosen to do.

My biggest problem is not that they want to choose another locale for Christmas. My problem is with the fact that NO ONE ELSE WAS INVITED. Most people I have talked to - if their family travels to another location for Christmas, they just take the whole family with them. If his intentions are so pure, why the hell weren't we all invited? Why weren't we invited? This is the deciding question in my mind as to what he is trying to accomplish. I don't have any other relatives here except for my brother. My brother and mom are my only blood relatives here - the rest of my secondary family lives in Ohio and we hardly ever see them.

I just wish something good would happen. I really need something good to happen. I've been reading a book that my mom gave me (a book with a paragraph written about how even though she has more money than she'll ever spend that she's not going to "bail me out" this time even when my house is foreclosed on and my car is repossessed) - and, while I agree with some of it, such as the power of your mind to alter your health and your station in life. I do not agree with all of it. I am at a chapter where he essentially blames poor people for being poor due to ignorance or wrong thinking - that lack of opportunity does not ever factor into your wealth. I don't think lack of opportunity wholly causes you to be poor, but I believe sometimes it does influence your station in life and change what is available to you. You can overcome having NOTHING growing up. You can much more easily succeed if you had EVERYTHING growing up. I sincerely believe that much of who you are in the business world is "who you know" - and I know no one and I am nothing. I do believe that having a positive mindset can make you better health-wise and can help you with your career - but I don't believe in hardly any *absolutes* - no statement is hardly ever true 100% of the time. Not everyone that had a positive attitude has been unsuccessful or has overcome sickness. It doesn't ALWAYS work. It's not always a sick person's or poor person's fault entirely that he/she is sick or poor. If these are the types of books that she is reading with keeping a grain of perspective as to the time period (1800's) this book was written in and type of person (rich, white, healthy, famous male) that is writing these words - then no wonder her thinking is askew and she has lost the compassion that she used to have.

I told her that I would not be attending Thanksgiving nor my birthday which happens to be on Thanksgiving also this year. Yes, I'm stubborn and a child - but this is what I need to do to get past this upset.

"...Don't you wish you were dead like me?"

My mom did the above picture as a portrait of me for Christmas two years ago. It made me cry to learn how she sees me. I don't even see myself like that. Art is amazing - it can speak volumes and make a more intense statement sometimes than even words can acheive.

I read something the other day about how you love the ones more that you never really get to know - never really interact with - those will be the loves that you don't ever forget. This keeps popping into my brain. Once you get into a relationship with someone, things change. Words are said that can't be forgotten. Lies are sometimes told. Actions are taken that are hard to forgive. Things just happen. Your love changes. It may deepen, because you grow closer to the person. But, it never stays the same as that feeling that you had in the beginning - where you just can't shake that person from your head no matter how hard you try. I guess another reason that the unrequited love lasts forever is just the fact that it is unrequited. You never get to test it - see where it will go - see if it was felt in return and know to the degree that it was felt. It just lingers in your mind forever and creeps back into your thoughts when you least expect it.

I've been lied to or have had people try to deceive me a lot lately. Some of them coming from 2 people that I care about and some coming from 1 person that I don't really care so much about. I get tired of people lying. I get tired of watching for signals and remembering what someone says so I can compare it to what he says later. It's exhausting. It's hard to detect liars from the beginning. Who is going to admit that he/she is a liar? If he/she is a liar, he/she is just going to lie about the fact.

I was going to have fun and have my hair done differently and have the underneath colored a deep brunette and then the outer layer colored a medium red - but I had a job interview, so I had to go with conversative. I just got a mixture of blonde and red highlights around my face and left the remainder the deep brunette color. I'm letting it grow out again - it either has to be shorter than I have the courage to cut it for me to like it or long - I don't like the medium length.

I've gotten a couple of good pefumes out of the oils and other ingredients and accessories that I purchased. It's really interesting actually learning about the different notes - and how to test the oils together before you make the perfume to make sure you like the combination and which oil is dominant. You just cut paper strips and dip them into the oils you want to mix and hold them together and smell to see if you like. You hold the oil that you want for the most dominant note higher than the others and the middle note next a little further down and so on - it's really interesting actually. My favorite is a mixture of lime, white chocolate, sandalwood, and frosted snowdrops. Who knew it was so easy to make your perfume/perfume oils for your own use? My brother really liked another that I made for him which is a mixture of cinnamon, a drop of cherry, dragon's blood, and clove. I'm such a make-up and pefume junkie :P They need a cosmetics anonymous group (grin) I'm not even admitting how many boxes of make-up that I have. No, not even if you try to arouse it out of me (hehe).

I had an interview for a securities job where I would put together financial packages for customers and sell annuities, life insurance, etc. I'm not sure if I could do this - I don't have any sales experience. It's only the selling part that I'm concerned about. The talking to the clients and figuring out what they need and then matching financial options to their needs wouldn't really be a problem once I was trained - I don't believe. My mother always jokes around and tells me that I can sell anyone anything - b/c I can always talk her , other family members, and friends into anything. Yeah yeah - I know this is totally different - they know me and trust me. People who meet me seem to trust me though - I'm just not sure how approachable I am and this is the part that gives me pause. I've never gotten to use the "non-professional," playful, giggly part of myself to do professional things. It would definitely be interesting, but I wouldn't get to do any truly "legal" work - which I would miss terribly. Life has to get easier some day. Or, maybe since my life was "easier" earlier in my life - that was the easy part of my life.

I have another gallbladder test at 7:20 a.m. on Tuesday. If my gallbladder has worsened, then I might finally have an answer to all of my stomach problems. The test is awful. It's a HIDA scan, and you have to lay still for 2 hours while they scan your gallbladder to watch how it empties and contracts - the bad part comes when they inject the medicine to force your gallbladder to do its thing. That made my stomach cramp so badly last time. The only thing they had for me to watch were Andy Griffith dvds. I hate Andy Griffith :P Eh, putting myself out of this misery and ending this now - I think I'm boring myself.

"Her kisses left something to be desired...the rest of her."

I was going to keep one of my blogs purely private and just type about sexual things - but, god, I can't even keep up with one blog - let alone two. So, I'm importing the entries to this one :P

I'm more a "dirty" sex type girl, but it all really comes down to the kiss for me. If the intriguing...stomach dancing kiss isn't there - that's really as far as it's going with me. I think a kiss speaks volume about a person - both sexually and personality-wise. You can tell if someone is greedy sexually, if someone is always going to be taking control, if someone isn't comfortable with you taking control - a kiss speaks volumes if you pay attention. What makes a good kisser is totally subjective - I like:

(1) Someone that knows how much and when to use his/her tongue. Having someone's tongue in your mouth the entire time or too soon, just isn't erotic. I like to build up to that part, so that when it does happen - it's a surprise and that much more appealing. I like having someone pull my tongue into his/her mouth also - I like the whole "dance" with tongues. Things that fall into your lap (hehe) are never as appreciated as the things that you have to work for - sexually and non-sexually.

(2) Someone sucking on my bottom lip intermittently and me doing the same.

(3) Variety - I like to be the aggressor sometimes, controlling the kiss - other times, I like someone pushing toward me...taking over...sometimes I like soft and gentle kisses and other times I like fast "can't get enough" of someone's mouth kisses. I think it's all in paying attention to how the other person reacts. As things escalate, obviously, it's fun to experiment and turn up the heat to see what happens

(4) Hand involvement - hands in my hair - maybe gently pulling or just holding onto it, hands other places, hands on my neck, fingers sliding below an earlobe - hands and fingers are crucial to me even in the kiss.

(5) Taking time to stop and breathe and/or kissing other areas - I'm a sucker (no pun intended ) for someone that kisses or just breathes against the side of my neck or my earlobes. I love to feel someone's lips slide down my neck or up my neck before reaching my mouth again. I like just leaning my mouth near someone elses and talking softly or just breathing for a moment to see who gives in and starts the next kiss first.

The worst kissers ever:

(1) The guy that just stuck his tongue in and out and kept missing my mouth - I mean, come on, if you can't find someone's mouth, it's ok to open your eyes And, someone can't kiss you if you're keeping your tongue out the whole time.

(2) The guy without an upper lip that pushed too hard against my face. This guy had a really large bottom lip and very tiny upper lip and didn't realize that if he pushed so hard against my face that basically my mouth would almost end up in his mouth - this just wasn't fun. As a side note, I don't think you need "stereotypically" perfect lips to kiss well - just know how to use what you have

(3) The guy that had an urge to eat chili/onions, before he wanted to kiss me. This is first grade stuff - I'm not even going to type about this one - I don't want to relive it.

The best kissers:

(1) The 4th person I ever kissed was amazing. He could kiss for hours and just knew what he was doing. All of the variety was there - it never got boring. You could tell that he enjoyed kissing for kissing's sake - not just as a necessary prelude to sex.

(2) The most emotionally unstable guy that I couldn't figure out at all, was another amazing kisser. If only I had gotten to experience it more often ;) Ironically enough, this was basically all that ever happened even though we went out a few times. He had a lot of hang-ups - I'm not sure if the sex would have been good - so, when I think back, maybe this was a good thing that it didn't go further. We were evenly equipped mentally and it was a constant "back and forth" (hehe) verbally - like a battle - so when the kissing would start, it would continue this same way - alternating control - seeing who could "win." This rocked.

(3) The charming guy - this is the person you call when you want to feel good about yourself and when you want to kiss and just look at his face and smile. It's like going back to the familiar and you're comfortable with that. Excellent kisser - just slow and easy and faster when things would escalate. Humor and give and take. I'm not sure I believe everything that he ever said or says to me, because I'm sure how much of it is said just because he thinks that is what I want to hear - but, when I just don't worry about believing it and just take things for what they are - things are definitely good

(4) The girl Yeah, that one girl out of a few...she had the softest mouth and smelled amazing and had long, soft hair - she was the aggressive one because I was nervous - she had an evil grin and a slightly wicked expression in her eyes - she knew how sexy she was and I had to agree

I know I know...too much about kissing...but, really - I couldn't start with anal sex. Maybe I'll work my way down Things involving kissing still on my list of things to do:

(1) I'd love to kiss a guy and girl at the same time - just simultaneously moving our mouths over one another's and changing "partners" so to speak during the kisses.

(2) More kissing outside - I like public or near public displays of affection - they make me nervous and not so many things do anymore - I like being caught off-guard. I like excitement I like knowing that someone is attracted to me and not ashamed to show it to the world. I dated one man in the past that just pushed me up against my car (in the evening) in a parking lot and just went for it. That totally rocked too.

(3) Kissing a "stranger" or "near stranger." I'd love to be a club or in public and if some type of silent or near-silent interaction (such as dancing) led to a kiss...that would be most interesting. I've never kissed anyone that I didn't really know personality-wise. It wouldn't be something that I'd want to do all the time - but at least once (maybe twice...hehe)

On a side note, if you're having sex with someone - even just as a "sex-buddy" (oh, please, you know that you do this...), don't just stop kissing someone you kissed in the beginning. That's going to end it very quickly - no one likes being treated like a whore (excluding role play) even if you think of her as one for whatever interest it serves. Obviously, this doesn't apply to anyone you pay for sex (laugh).

On yet another side note, tongue-rings are awesome - I've always heard the tired "better for oral" sex thing - but, oh my god, they are so erotic during kissing. Who knew? To kiss someone and feel something in his/her mouth that isn't "supposed" to be there or that you didn't yet know was there is quite interesting.