"Wish and love are not the same thing."

This has been the oddest week; I'm all disjointed and random. What I'm leaving out is probably more important than what I'm including but for what it is worth.

My mom: She is home and healing - she is still getting sick right after she eats. She's been kind of out of it with the pain medication and lack of energy. It's so unnerving seeing my mom like that - she's never sick. It really bothers me.

Premieres!

Grey's Anatomy: Ohmygod, the new guy is h.o.t. and I am not one to drool over physical appearances alone (his voice, persona, crooked grin) - his whole "character" and "the kiss" - I watched it online and had to watch the kiss 3 times. Umm, did I just type that? (hehe) I'm really surprised they are carrying through on the bi-sexual/lesbian relationship - that one totally threw me for a loop (not in a bad way but in an ohmygod this is primetime television way). I love when gender and sexuality is illustrated as how it truly exists in reality - it's not as clear cut as everyone likes or wants to believe.

ANTM: I can't believe they cut Hannah so harshly - she would have improved. Love love love Elina and Annaleigh - I wish I could look like either of them just for one day (wistful sigh). I know I know, but just one day! A lot of pretty people don't understand or will never understand the power and advantages that being one of the "pretty ones" grants you in life - your job - how you are treated by others. It's depressing when the jobs or professions that you would most like to be engaged in aren't supported by your genes.

I missed Knight Rider; I'm going to go back and watch the first one online - I also missed Fringe which I was curious about.

My brother: Being a total dick - I tried to call him last week after my mom's surgery, because I was sick and scared and truly needed to talk to someone and he just blew me off. I haven't spoken to him in a week now. I understand being with someone that you love, but I believe that family enhances a relationship to an extent - he's been married for over 5 years now - and he still acts like I don't exist most of the time. He took a pottery class at the art center without telling me despite the fact that he knew that I would have wanted to take it also - we took the last class together. My mom made some comment that I missed a couple of the classes last time, but that's when I was traveling back and forth to Fayetteville all of the time and trying to juggle two "residences."

My best friend: Drinking again - after rehab and after two months of sobriety. I asked/pleaded with him to follow up as they instructed with meetings, so that he could have a sponsor. He kept saying that he didn't need one, and I kept trying to explain that the moment something bad happened - that he wouldn't know how to deal with it and then would be at risk to turning back to alcohol. His way of dealing with any type of stress for the past 6 years has to been to drink. You have to learn a whole new way to live and handle everyrday pressures - not to mention the excessively stressful days and situations. He really started falling for a girl, and then she moved very far away - he started drinking that week. He told me that the alcohol was the only way to take away the pain, so that he could not think about it. I tried to talk to him - the minute he's sober again, the pain comes right back. If you keep masking the pain, you never deal with it - he keeps setting it up, so that he can never stop drinking or all the pain will come crashing into him. I'm tired. I hate to give up on him - but, what else can I do with respect to his drinking problem? I sat in the hospital for 7 hours the night he was admitted to the program; I visited him that week; I sent a letter to his workplace to explain that he was hospitalized; and, I picked him up. That week was very stressful for me too and time and emotionally draining; he just doesn't comprehend or care that he's not just hurting himself when he drinks - he's hurting his "loved ones" too. The past two months in terms of having my friend back were bliss; it was so comforting to be able to talk to him again.

Life in general: God, I've been sick. I'm feeling so horrible; yet, there are so many things that I *have* to get done. How do you get things done when you hurt too much to move most of the time? My gastroenterologist stated that I was essentially on the last two medications that he could think of to handle the post-cholestectomy syndrome (not to mention just dealing with IBS and severe acid reflux) - the medications made me horribly sick - I tried to take them for 3 days even though they made me feel so badly - I wanted them to work. There are more tests unfortunately in my future.

My best friend is trying to help me think more positively (ironic, huh?). It's so strange, because when I sit down to try to focus on one thing that I think I want to happen - these unexpected thoughts pop into my brain, and I can't get them to go away thus breaking my concentration. It's not just one thing; it's numerous things and not things that are attainable. I don't know what is going on with my brain lately.

Presidential Debate: I abhor when someone can't answer a question in even remotely straightforward manner. No matter which side you support, Obama just "out-performed." McCain had a set of statements that he wanted to make in order to try to garner certain votes; there were numerous times that I just wanted to scream at the tv for him to actually answer a question just once instead of alluding to some famous person he met or his years of military experience. Obama actually talked about what he *will* do in the future - that's what everyone needs to know right now. McCain sounded like he was out on the porch of an old folks' home telling stories about the war to anyone that will listen. My favorite point was about how if Americans are economically weak that we will not be respected by other nations - if America can't even protect its own citizens in terms of rising foreclosures, gas shortages and extortive pricing due to "speculation," and lack of health care, then how strong are we going to look as toward other nations? A country that can't protect its own citizens cannot protect itself against outside threads. I don't even drink, and I feel like I need one from watching it - the vice-presidential debate should be really entertaining (rolls eyes).

Switch Witch! My sweet Switch Witch sent me these yummy lip butters - chocolate, berry, candy - they are making my lips so soft, and they smell good enough to eat (hehe!) I've been doing fairly well as toward my Witchee - I've sent her first package, and it was well received and her second package is going to be so much fun that I want to keep the goodies for myself (grin). And, I already have the final package planned and more than half accumulated. Yay for me :)

I joined a Halloween card swap - I'm going to make my own cards - I made Halloween paintings for my family last year with collage and acrylic paint - so I'm going to repeat the process on a smaller scale - excited!

Fell in love with this scent this week:

Hellhound on my Trail:

… blues falling down like hail
And the day keeps on remindin' me, there's a hellhound on my trail …

August 16th marks the day the Devil came to call on the King of the Delta Blues.

Bay rum, bourbon vanilla, galangal, hyssop, High John the Conqueror root, tobacco, life everlasting, and brimstone.

This smells so good on me! Like a dirty naughty vanilla that still needs a spanking to keep herself in check

I ordered this scent:

Lilith Victoria:

Snake Oil blended with Dorian, plus soft vanilla flower, lily of the valley, lavender, and fennel.

Based on the reviews, it's freaking gorgeous - a spicy vanilla tea scent - I need it now! (hee!) Patience has never been my strong point (grin)

"Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"

My mom's gallbladder surgery went well; however, they found a hard-to-reach stone near her pancreas that they didn't want to make a large incision to retrieve, so she has to stay in the hospital until Saturday - so they can retrieve it without an incision. It's been a tough week. My mom's surgery was Thursday, and my roommate and supposedly my best friend in the whole world had promised to sit with me the night before - because he knew I would be worried and restless. He went out and didn't come back home until after 1:00 in the morning. I was shocked. His selfishness is just beyond my scope of comprehension at this point. He's seeing a new girl that for some reason he tried to lie about - he's dated other girls since we split up two years ago - what do I care? He said that she's leaving for California in two weeks, so that was why he had to spend time with her. He barely knows her; he's known me for 13 years. I'm really sick of selfish people. I'm really sick of people that just try to use me and don't really want to talk to me and be there for me. He had planned to go out again tonight and tomorrow night. He came up to sit with me late tonight and leaned against the headboard and fell asleep - great company, huh? I decorated behind his ears with a variety of colors from my permanent marker set and covered him with an entire vial of Black Phoenix perfume oil in "Death Cap" - one of the stinkiest oils ever - mushrooms and dirt - no joke. I hope he wonders all day at work what the smell is and figures out eventually that it's coming from him. I was always there as a friend for him; I just don't understand.

He told me "I really like this girl." I think this qualifies as the most hypocritical statement that he has ever made. He interfered with my previous relationship in the following ways over the course of a year:

(1) Called my ex and hung up numeous times.
(2) Called me repeatedly when I was with my ex and sent hundreds of text messages.
(3) Downloaded a key-logger to my laptop while I was out of town and sent e-mails and forwarded e-mails from my business e-mail account to various people - including a girl that he claimed that my ex was still seeing.
(4) Forwarded private naughty pictures that were on one of my older computers to my ex while I was dating him (of me with another man). This failed of course, because I'm an honest person - I always tell the person I'm dating anything that comes up in conversation. I don't hide things.
(5) Called me all types of names and other emotional and verbal abuse while I was at home.
(6) Befriended one of my ex's past girlfriends and conspired with her to find information out that I may not have known and pass said information on to me.
(7) This crazy ex-girlfriend contacted me to harrass me.
(8) Tried to contact 2 other of my ex's past girlfriends and harrassed them.
(9) He stole money from me, so that he could try to make sure that I wouldn't have gas money to go out of town.
(10) He completely and purposefully neglected any bills that came up while I was gone - leading to the water being turned off for so many days (I only went out of town once for over a week) - that I had to "restart" the account at a cost of over $600.

Him: "I really like this girl."

I keep typing it, and I can't believe that he doesn't realize the irony in that statement. I really loved who I was with - he made my stomach flip - only a handful of people in my lifetime have done that. Admittedly, at the end, his own anger played into my decision to not come back - he just refused to get help - what can you do when someone won't help himself so that he doesn't hurt you? However, the entire year - situations were exascerbated and more emotionally fused because of my roommate's interference - not to mention the fact that he took years off of my life stress-wise. I don't understand why the hypocrisy of his statement won't sink in - I wish I could work with that type of denial.

"There will come a day when you won't know my name."

Labor Day festivities made me think of you. I know you don't care, but I do - and now that's all that matters.

Things you've missed:

(1) Handfuls of phone calls and sweet words.
(2) My new haircolor and haircut.
(3) My new dress.
(4) Graveyard Dirt coming back (woohoo!) and all of the other amazing Black Phoenix Halloween updates. It was weird not ordering decants for you.
(5) The chance to wish my mom well after her hospital stay - and a chance to wish her well before surgery. My mission to fill her mailbox with get-well cards.
(6) Lots of lost sex (hehe)
(7) Opening my Switch Witch package with me.
(8) Joining Switch Witch - 3 boy-witches this round!
(9) Labor Day weekend at the lake with my family and my brother trying to ride "Big Bertha" the float from hell again - being on the boat - swimming where it parked - eating lots of lactose-filled casseroles.
(10) Planning Halloween costumes with me.
(11) Taking pictures with me.
(12) The intimate moments - the moments where I loved to listen to you - and my words or conversations with meaning.
(13) New songs that I wanted to share - and advice on other music that I needed.
(14) The present I already had for your birthday.
(15) Lots of "I love yous" and kisses that are meant.

I don't cry anymore when I think of you and how everything ended; I'm not angry anymore nor am I letting the anger consume me when I think of the lies that were told to me. So, I think I'm healing. My sex drive came back - thank god. I was worried that it was gone. I was thinking the other day and felt a little "twinge" - hehe. At least, I'm not broken.

I pondered sending you back your mom's letter. I wanted you to know what it feels like when someone blames you for your own mistreatment due to anger/rage - whatever the root of the problem is, but I guess you grew up with that - and reading a letter illustrating it - isn't going to make it sink in any more than it should have already - and I never was interested in hurting you intentionally - I was just trying to look out for me and my heart for once in my life, before it was broken - I guess that's something you can't foresee - because it's broken anyway. Maybe everything is just all convoluted and covered in anger - I wish I knew how you really felt about that week without the anger clouding everything.

This sweetheart of a girl told me about some other mineral make-up sites - I'm fiending for some eyeshadow pigments - she recommended About Face and MAD minerals. I really want MAC samples, but ohmygod, they are expensive. I *need* an acid green pigment eyeshadow - really I do! (hehe)

I'm all signed up for Halloween Switch Witch; I decided to not let the happenings and misfortune in the past round affect my happiness in this round. I enjoy it - it's fun - here's my answered ?aire for your amusement (boredom!) (grin) Hehe - I don't receive my assigned person until September 3rd-ish - but I've already bought some Halloween stickers and few other fun Halloween things (I'm so bad! hehe)

Switch Witch Questionnaire

====================

Personal/Basic Information
Birthday: November 23, 1972 (don’t call me old....hehe!)
Location: Little Rock, Arkansas.
Pets: I live in a zoo - no joke (hehe) I have 6 cats; my roommate has 6 cats - and, we’re still arguing over who has "custody" of the 3 dogs (2 pugs and a part-chow). I tend to rescue animals (looks at floor and shuffles feet)
Children: Nope! I always tell my mom that she has grandpets, so that should make her happy - she doesn’t find me amusing (hehe)
Religious orientation: None really - I was raised Methodist. I believe in "something," but I don’t define it conventionally.
Favorite Holiday: Christmas! I also adore Halloween too - yay for Halloween!
Occupation/Major in school: Attorney/English Major.
Living arrangement (by yourself, with roommates, etc): Currently, I live with an ex-boyfriend and have for about 3 years. My house is for sale (but no worries - I’ll be forwarding my mail!)
Livejournal/Blog/Website: I’m VoyeurWithWings on Livejournal, but I mostly use that for sales. I have a blog here: http://360.yahoo.com/tongue_n_chiq
Organizations/Causes/Activities (Things you belong to or causes you believe in): Womens’ Rights, Animal Rights, Anti-Discrimination (I’m very against any type of racism, sexism...etc) - and, I’d do anything I could to help get health-care for everyone.)

BPAL
Favorite BPAL oils: Is there a limit? (hehe...deep breath) Jailbait, Glowing Vulva, Smut, 13 (original), Snow Bunny, Eat Me, Gluttony, Strawberry Moon, Spooky (one mint so far that loves me...hee!), Treat #2, Midway, Monster Bait: Underbed, Snow White, Bordello, Wanda, Carnal, Graveyard Dirt (goes expensive chocolate on me!), and Black Lace.
Favorite notes: Cotton Candy, Bubblegum, Raspberry, Strawberry, Cherry, Lime, Cream, Sugar, Vanilla, Chocolate, Ginger, Caramel, Buttercream, Tobacco, Cogac, and Carnation.
Favorite non-BPAL perfumes: There are perfumes that aren’t bpal? (hehe) I have a few, but I never reach for them; I adore Aquolina Pink Sugar, but I have 2 bottles of it, the lotion...you get the idea...hehe.
Least favorite BPAL oils: Parsifal, Oberon, Aizen-Myoo (ohmygod...if I wanted to smell like cat pee - I know where to find it...hehe), and Privilege have been the ohmygod, get it off of me now ones so far. Basically florals = puke on me. (Uh, not literally, please! hehe)
Least favorite notes: Floral (I can wear carnation and sweet sweet red rose...that’s it in this category!), strong ozone notes, strong aquatic notes, metallic notes, incense, and frankincense. The only aquatic that I have fallen really hard for is Storm Moon (unfortunately Hehe)
Least favorite non-BPAL perfumes: I haven’t tried hardly any to know anymore ;) I haven’t worn conventional perfume in 5 years.

Beauty
Hair type: I have long, red (haircolor is my friend...hehe), thin-stranded hair - but I have a ton of it! It’s wavy if I let it dry, but I straighten it usually when I go out.
Skin Type: Very sensitive - and combination. I’m still prone to the occasional break-out apparently no matter how old I get :P (aren’t there supposed to be benefits to getting older? Hehe)
Allergies (specifically B&B related): Very strong cinnamon based products will make me burn - that’s it so far.
Other things to avoid: I have trouble with certain soaps - for example, while I adore Villainess smooches (ohmygod - love!) - her soaps are drying on me. Lush soaps are useable. I know there is a technical difference between the two but my brain hurts already tonight...(hehe)
Tub, shower or both? Both! I love baths...content sigh.
Favorite bath & beauty products: Lilypad Bathworks’ products (mostly her bath butters - she has amazing customer service and is getting new scents soon and bath bombs - and I am so excited), Villainess smooches (how I love these!), and Lush Shower Gels. I’m really anxious to try some Black Phoenix bath oils - I never have had more than a little sample. I love brightly colored eye shadows and am trying to find a good variety sampler of MAC eyeshadow pigments - because I want to try a bunch of different colors. I also love Urban Decay eyeshadow palettes, but I have many of them. I adore lip gloss; I hardly ever wear lipstick.
Clothing Style/Fave garments: If I have to do professional activities, then it’s a business suit - but, when I go out - I mostly wear black (because I wear brightly-colored make-up and don’t like to clash) - my style is basically reflected by Torrid clothing if you want to get general idea of what I wear (www.torrid.com). I like edgy and sexy clothing when I go out - I never wear pants or t-shirts (except for at home on the t-shirts) - I always wear dresses or skirts because they flatter my body shape more. I wear sparkly flip-flops if I feel lazy (hehe) - and really cool wedges when I feel like being stylish (my favorite pair are from Volatile and are black with white skulls on them).
T-shirt size and preference (standard, babydoll, tank, cami, etc): I just wear t-shirts at home when lounging so it doesn’t matter what type - I’ve worn 2X and 3X - but if it’s for a gift - I always tell someone 3X to be safe. The 2X bpal babydolls are very snug on me, and I didn’t wear the one I purchased.
Type(s) of jewelry worn: Necklaces! (Adore! I love the handmade ones and unique ones on etsy...I love handmade jewelry) Belly Rings (ohmygod, also love - I always run out of my money from bpal before I get some of these - I would love a handful of belly rings...hehe). I don’t typically wear earrings - however, I did just recently had my upper ear (cartilage) pierced - and I am looking for something unique to trade the standard ring out with in about a month. I saw one where a fairy looked like it was holding onto your ear - it was awesome :) I love "spooky" images (skulls, bats, spiders, snakes) with a feminine touch - like a pink skull belly ring or a purple spider pendant. I like jewelry with painted women or fairies or sometimes - even eerie landscapes. I like pieces that are unusual and that not everyone in the room is going to be wearing. I prefer center-piece jewelry to heavily-beaded jewelry.
Ring/wrist/collar size: I don’t wear rings or bracelets. Necklaces can be any length, because I own extenders. I can’t wear chokers though, because I am full-figured and don’t want to make my neck appear any shorter.
Jewelry - gold or silver? I’m a silver girl
Do you have any allergies to metal? Nope.
Favorite gemstones: None really - I’m not really into gemstones - I like more hand-painted or hand-sculpted "center-piece" pendants and jewelry.
Pierced ears, stretched ears, neither? My ears are pierced normally and then one upper cartilage piercing.

Lifestyle
Favorite colors: Sky blue, pink (light pink, hot pink, fuschia - I love pink!), lime green, deep purple, turquoise, and black.
Style/home decoration style: I love artwork - so I keep my walls fairly neutral, so I can display paintings and sculptures. My mom has been a professional artist since childhood, so I have a lot of paintings from her and her students - and from what her and my brother have purchased for me. I’m very modern in colors - I dislike rooms that look too "crafty" with too much woodwork, etc. For example, if I have a wooden door - I’m going to paint it - not stain it. As for artwork, I love moody prints and paintings of ethereal women (like gothic type mermaids, fairies, women with skulls). I love sculptures of fairies, modern cats, and any type of otherworldly figures.
Things you collect: bpal (hehe!) and art pieces.
Favorite music: Whew - long list - I’m very eclectic - some examples: Fiona Apple, Garbage, Nickelback, 50 Cent, Petey Pablo, The Pussycat Dolls, Rihanna, The Steve Miller Band, The Eagles, Prince, Tori Amos, Theory of a Deadman, Gwen Stefani, R. Kelly, Saliva, Puddle of Mudd, Fergie, Goldfrapp, Ludacris - basically top 40, dance, some r&b, alternative, hip-hop, 80's, 90's, and some "light" techno (like Goldfrapp).
Least favorite music: Classical and Country - ugh...hehe. The former puts me to sleep and the latter makes me wish I was asleep. (I do like some country cross-overs - like a couple of Miley songs, Faith Hill, and Shania Twain).
Vegetarian/Vegan?: Nope and nope.
Other food restrictions: I have severe IBS and acid reflux. I can’t eat anything spicy (like ginger) or hot (like peppery). I adore chocolate and will lovingly eat it - but I have to space it out! I also cannot drink coffee or anything else caffeinated - it upsets my acid reflux and IBS.
Favorite flavors: Chocolate! I also like strawberry, cherry, honey, lime, and vanilla.
Favorite foods/drinks: Chinese Food, Seafood, American Food, and Mexican Food. I drink mainly water. I dislike coffee and most teas - although, I love peppermint tea because I drink that for stomach cramping and it seems to help.
Favorite authors/genres: I’ve just started some of the Stephanie Meyers’ books - really wanting to read "The Host" but it’s just in hardback right now! I love romance-mystery, FBI-profile type novels, modern Vampire/ghost or any other supernatural novels (with a little humor thrown in!), and just fun, flirty romance reads for the days when I feel down. Some examples of authors that I have read and enjoyed are: Mary Janice Davidson, Janet Evanovich (I’ve read up to 13 in the Stephanie Plum novels - number 14 is still only in hardback), Lisa Jackson, and Lisa Gardner - I’m always up for new authors though!
Least favorite authors/genres: Danielle Steele - historical romances (gag!) and books with little humor - I’m not very into satirical reads, like religious satire. I read so many serious things for my profession, that I like to read very fun things when I have time to sit down with a book.
Books/authors you'd like to read, but haven't yet: I’m very curious about Stephanie Meyer’s new adult novel - but curious about discovering new authors too!
How do you feel about receiving gently used books as gifts? Not a problem - I buy most of my books online and used - it’s cheaper - and I’m going to read them hard anyway! Dog-earring them and reading them in the bathtub (hehe).
Favorite stores (including clothing stores): Locally, I shop at Sephora, Lane Bryant, shoe stores (can you really ever have too many shoes? Hehe), Hot Topic for fun little gifts, Michaels, and a local art store.
Favorite online stores (including B&B stores): (hehe...another deep breath!) www.torrid.com, www.lilypadbathworks.com, www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com (Hehe!), www.villainess.net, www.bodycandy.com, www.lush.com, www.zappos.com, www.etsy.com, and ebay of course for a little bit of everything!
Magazines you subscribe to: None
Magazines you like, but don't subscribe to: Jane, Cosmo, Marie Claire, Random Art Magazines - whatever catches my attention on the shelf
Favorite movies: (hehe...another long one!) Christmas Vacation, Enchanted, The Little Mermaid, Mulan, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Liar Liar, The Fast and the Furious, Nightmare Before Christmas, The Wedding Date, The Wedding Planner, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Sweet Home Alabama, Titan A.E., Sinbad (animated), Bring It On, Mean Girls, Tommy Boy, Step Up, Save the Last Dance, Good Luck Chuck, The Bone Collector, and lots lots more.
Favorite TV show(s): (hehe - sorry in advance!) CSI (all of them), Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model, House, Criminal Minds, Numbers, Supernatural, Three’s Company (I’m a sitcom whore, really! Hehe), 2 and ½ Men, Shear Genius, Law and Order SVU, Top Chef, Hell’s Kitchen, Without a Trace, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Cold Case, Angel, Gray’s Anatomy, Lost, Dexter, and Heroes.
Hobbies/crafts done: I paint - I love to paint! (acrylics) I’ve also gotten into some box-making for perfumes that are hand-painted with sculpted pieces on top. I’ve done a little pottery. I want to get into jewelry-making - I have some of the tools and supplies already but am feeling a little lost on where to start.

Wishlists
BPAL Wish List (including SW/SF Help): http://voyeurwithwings.livejournal.com/832.html
Other website Wish lists (amazon.com, etc): I’m trying to move everything over to kaboodle, so it will all be in one place: http://www.kaboodle.com/girlindenial/gift-ideas.html

And now for something completely different:

- Let's say you're "Lost" on an island: what two people and which three things would you want with you? I’d want my roommate (ex) and brother with me. My ex because he would stay cool-headed and my brother because he would be freaking out worse than I would be (hehe). Can a helicopter be one of the things? (hee!) I’m not really an outdoor-girl and would like to get the hell off the island...hehe - maybe I should change one of my persons to a pilot? (grin) For pure what is important to me reasons, I’d like a tv (I can’t sleep without one), my favorite pillowcase (it’s a childhood thing - leave me alone...hehe), and a phone that worked no matter where I was located (I’m not staying there forever :P )

- If you could have a superpower, what would it be? Hard one between invisibility and teleporting - I think invisibility - I’d love to be able to watch events and people - without anyone knowing that I was around (grin)

- What things do you consider a necessary part of your "comfort" ritual? My mom tries to cheer me up sometimes by getting me a pedicure - and I have designs done on my toes (I keep meaning to get a little kit with brushes and nailpolishes made for doing small designs, so I can learn how to do this myself! I haven’t researched whether there are little stencils either yet) - I use baths and a good book usually. I listen to music sometimes or watch tv. I love to sit down with any packages from the day and go through them gleefully - testing everything all over my arms (grin) I also play spades online to relax and write blogs to get everything out from the day if it was particularly stressful.

- If you were a household appliance, what would you be and why? I’d be a tv - because it always gets attention and gets turned on over and over (grin)

- What are the last 3 CDs you've had in your CD player, or played all the way through on your MP3 player? I don’t really have full CD’s of many artists (except for Garbage which is my favorite band) - because I usually only like a few songs from each artist. The last 3 songs I listened to were: Stars: "Your ex-lover is Dead," Rihanna: "Disturbia," and Elisa "Rock Your Soul."

- What are the last 2 movies you watched all the way through? Good Luck Chuck and Big Mama’s House.

Notes (Here's where you can add additional information you'd like your Switch Witch to know!):

It’s so hard to figure out a way to describe yourself in a short paragraph! I’m mostly a girly-girl with a tiny bit of a wicked/gothic edge. I’m not a frilly, lacy girl. Personality-wise, I’m very opinionated, outspoken if I feel someone is being done wrong or someone is doing wrong to me, silly, occasionally witty, and have a wicked/perverted sense of humor. I’ve very caring and compassionate and treat people close to me like the true gifts that they are to my life. I’ve been struggling with health problems (which have led to anxiety and depression) at this time in my life, and I’ve been having a hard time. Being sick has eaten up my savings and I have to move and economize. I’ll go through some days or weeks where I close myself off from people; this is not my typical personality though. I’ve gone through enough in my life now to understand what is truly important and what is small and petty and should just be let go.

Random Questions

If you have children, would you want something included for them? No children.
What are your travel imps? It’s really mood dependent with me; I keep meaning to get some little 1ml roller-bottles so I can carry my favorites with me - I usually reach for Smut, Eat Me, or Snow White if I’m in a hurry - those are never fails!
What is the most unexpected but thoroughly loved SW gift you've received? Wow - I’ve received wonderful things - my 2^nd SW hand-painted a gift for me so that touched me - my 1^st SW found a rare bottle for me and included the first season of Buffy - which I totally wasn’t expecting! She also found a pink bat belly ring which I just love love love.
If you have a pet, do they like to play with toys? Yes, but I don’t think anyone could send enough for all of the to play with! The dogs like treats and rawhide bones. The cats like little mice and are cat-nip crazy - I’m always buying catnip!
Do you like audio books? I don’t listen to them - I like music in the car.
How do you feel about bands you may not have heard before? Or, how do you feel about mixed cds of classic stuff that you probably have heard? I love mix cd’s! I joined a cd swap a month ago and have found so many new songs and artist that I didn’t expect to like - I was so excited about all of my "new" finds from the help of friends.
Most obscure interest: I’m a boggle-playing freak - does that count? I play online - no one ever wants to play with me (hehe)
What goodies do you love that you can't usually get? I’ve fallen in love with some of the little Japanese candies - like the ones with the fizzy centers; I can’t find these locally. I also like the Cadbury bars that you can only get overseas - like the flake bars.
What was your favorite childhood toy? Matchbox cars and barbie dolls.
How would you describe yourself--do you feel that you're shy or outgoing, laidback, high-strung... and in what ways? I’m shy in awkward situations or in group situations - unless I know a lot of the people - and then I’m outgoing and more fun. I’m very laid-back about life in general, unless I’m very frustrated - everyone has a few buttons
What’s a talent you are most proud of? If it’s in a book, on the Internet, or in a case law database, I can find it ;) My researching and writing skills. I also love to apply make-up.
Religious preferences and patron saints/goddesses/spiritual mentors: I’m not associated formally with any religion.
What's your favorite flower? Tree? Gerber daisies - weeping willow.
Do you like homemade gifts? Like foodstuffs or crafts? Yes! Bring it on :) I love handmade items - and I love baked goods :)
What's your guilty pleasure? Perfume of course (grin) And, bath goodies! Chocolate occasionally.
If handmade stuff is okay, and it all goes horribly wrong, would you want it anyway? Sure. I wouldn’t want someone to have to do it over and over (hehe that sounds bad). I shipped a handmade bpal box with a sculpted anime figure and her poor head fell off - I just let my witchie know how to get it back on there ;)
Are you an indoor person or outdoor person? Indoor (I like to be outdoors more if it’s cold or snowing which rarely happens here unfortunately!)
What's your favorite color?
---For wearing? Black.
---For decorating? Black, White, Turquoise, Sky Blue, Lime Green - I can work with any primary color - I don’t really use "fall colors or fall versions of colors" (like dark green..yuck or brick red)
How would you describe your sense of humor? Hehe - silly and perverted!
Anything you really absolutely don't want to get? Like, something you could imagine would be seen as a good gift idea but is, in fact, not? Nothing comes to mind :) Someone I don’t know is making or getting me presents - you won’t hear me complaining!
Lip balm, yay or nay? Yay!
5 things that get you through the day: My pets, my friends and family, my computer (online forums/blogs, etc), smell-good things, and my belief that life is something to treasure and learn from all that I can no matter how I feel on a certain day. And, heating pads! Lots of heating pads (hehe)
Favorite Halloween Costume? I was a naughty school girl last year and a wicked fairy before that ;)

That is all...(hee!)

"Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight."

My mom is in the hospital. She never gets sick - never. She has pancreatitis from a gallstone that finally passed, very painfully, at 4 a.m. in the morning last night. She is out of town in a different state with her husband right now for his reunion. My mom has always been a "pleaser" - she puts other people's interests first always - and she shouldn't do this - she told her husband to go on to his reunion. And, what is more ironic, is that he did! Seriously - if my spouse or boyfriend was in the hospital in a state in which he or she knows no one - I would be right by that person's side - I wouldn't be going anywhere. This whole occurrence is scaring me to death, because my dad died in a hospital in another state. My mom is my best friend; I can't imagine losing her - I am so worried that I can't get my heart to stop racing. I just want to hug her and see her to make sure she is ok - really ok. She has to have her gallbladder out when she returns home. The earliest she can make it out of the hospital is tomorrow - they are trying to get the swelling down and get some solid food down to see if she has another attack. I used her e-mail address at her house to rally all of her friends - so that she would have an inbox and mailbox full of "get well" wishes when she returns home. My mom is a firm believer in positive thoughts, and the power of these in healing and changing people's attitudes and the world in general - so I asked everyone to think these thoughts for her:

Hi - This is Wendy - my mom is in the hospital - she had severe stomach pains while she was out of town - she is being treated for pancreatitis (due to gallbladder stones) - and will most likely have to schedule gallbladder surgery when she returns home. They may discharge her from the hospital tomorrow - but she has not been allowed to eat since she passed the last stone yet - I'm trying to get the news - b/c she'll never tell anyone for fear of making them worry - to anyone I can that can send her a card or get well e-mail and/or think positive thoughts for her at this time - as I am beside myself with worry - and my mom believes in the power of positive thoughts.

I'm hoping to have her mailbox full of get well wishes by the time she returns back or that week (she is planning to be home Monday or Tuesday)

If you could pass this on to other people that you know that would be concerned - it would be most appreciated as I do not have any way to contact them. I do not even know the name of the hospital and she can't accept a lot of phone calls right now - but most importantly - I just want positive thoughts headed in her direction mentally - so if everyone could please help!

Her address info is:

/snip

I talked to her today and she is talking fine and is not in anymore pain - and even told Clarence to go on to his reunion activities - you know how she is!

Thanks for your help,
Wendy

I'm trying so hard to think positive thoughts, but the evil thoughts keep rearing their little spikey heads.

I got my Switch Witch package today and it looked like someone had taken a foot and stepped on it - multiple things were broken. I am glad that I got it though - she sent me stickers, a bottle of bpal that smells like bubblegum, a notepad and pen, stationary, bpal imps, an adorable little floral tin, a pair of soft, fuzzy socks in pink and black stripes, and, best of all - a handmade (hand-painted) sign that reads: "Because I'm the Queen, that's why." That's what I like to tell people sarcastically when they are annoying me about why I said what I said or why I did what I did - especially if I don't feel that I should have to explain my particular choice. There were a couple of other handmade items that arrived broken and in pieces - but I'm glad that I got to open her package and see the thought that she had put into collecting items for me - even the colors of everything were dead-on to my tastes.

"Maybe when the circus comes...I'll buy you bubblegum."

Ohmygod - I'm getting my package back! I don't have to drive 3 1/2 hours times 2 - nor call the police department when I get there or anything. My sweetheart of a friend was "allowed" to come and pick it up from my ex's porch. I can breathe again I was so worried, and my Switch Witch was worried - it made me almost not want to join the next round and the Halloween round is my absolute favorite. I love Halloween! I haven't decided what I'm going to dress up as this year. Last year, I was a naughty schoolgirl and a wicked fairy the year before that - so I think I'm going to be something sweet this year (yes, I love Halloween - I'm a big kid, now leave me alone...hehe)

The Black Phoenix Alchemy Halloween oils went "live" tonight - I, being the addict that I am, had to stay up until they were posted. I ordered two bottles right off the bat (hehe - bat - get it?!)

(1) Graveyard Dirt came back! I couldn't believe it - I had just fallen in love with it and was about to go searching for it- and now it's right here for $17.50 - finally, a bit of luck for me (grin)

(2) Sticky Pillowcase

Terminal sugar rush. A little goblin's candy bag, upended. Smushed candy corn, rock candy dust, marshmallow gunk, strawberry goo, spun blue sugar, globs of salt water taffy, and lint.

Oh, c'mon - you already knew I had to order that one! I also ordered decanted vials/samples of about 10 other scents - there are so many to choose from - I dare anyone to go look at them and not be intrigued (grin) She put out a "Sleepy Hollow" line this year - it's awesome how she captured the characters or scenes with the perfume notes - I can't wait to sniff all of them (hee!)

I left a message for my ex thanking him for stopping the games with regard to my package; however, I was told that he had put a piece of furniture that is mine outside. That's so silly - he has 2 empty rooms and a garage that is hardly full - he just did it out of spite. How long can someone hold onto that amont of anger before that person looks inside of himself? How long can everything be someone else's fault or a result of someone else's problems? Seriously, if all these people that are "healthier" than people that you used to hang out with are all disappearing - and the people that caused a lot of drama in your life in the past are right back around - that means something. I am so glad that I am not afraid to look within myself. I know the mistakes that I've made; I respect the past - and try to learn from it. I don't try to hide from my past or pretend that it didn't happen; the minute that you do that - you are destined to repeat it. I'm hoping this means that I can officially start moving on and healing. I'm ready for some fun and less stressful days.

My new dress came in the mail and it is made of win! It's much shorter than usual for me, so I'll need some extra daring to put it on (hehe) I'm sure I can find some extra daring somewhere in me (grin)

My roommate is back home from the hospital and is returning to work tomorrow - he's feeling much better - I'm glad he's home.

"Something careless about your smile...you're unfolding right before my eyes"

Long long day.

My roommate is in the hospital.

My mom is out of town.

My ex-boyfriend is refusing to return a rather large package that was delivered to his house by mistake. I have to file a police report (seriously, huh!) just to get it returned to me. I called and left a message asking him where I should send the $12 to have it sent back to me. He refused to call me back. His former best friend called him - he said he can have it when I pay him $250 - he had purchased tires for my car to help me get back home (I had a tire go flat over and over) and then I did over $500 in hourly fees of legal work for him. I drove up almost every other weekend to see him; I put all of the money into it. He has only given me $80 of the legal fees toward what I have done (multiple letters, phone calls, research, and legal advice). I kept asking if I needed to pay the tire money back, and he kept saying "don't worry about it." Now, I have to contact the police department and try to retrieve a package that is addressed to me. If he even opens the package and tampers with anything, it’s a violation of Federal law. If he feels that I owe him money, he has to sue me civilly (and, in turn, I will counter-sue for legal fees owed) - it’s insane because he will end up owing me more than he claims that I owe him. He is not legally allowed to hold my mail hostage, because he claims that I owe him money.

The worst part is that the package is my Switch Witch gift, and she’s waiting for me to post regarding what I received - she even made something for me! I have the delivery confirmation record of where the package was delivered and have two witnesses that can sign Affidavits that the package was left at his house (the postal worker and his former friend) - so, I’m definitely on the side with the evidence to support my claim - it’s just such a silly thing to do and so petty. I even left him a goodbye present when I left! It had a CD in it that he had asked me to make - a CD of songs that reminded me of him or us - two books (Interview with the Vampire and an anger management book) - cookies - candy - and a card saying goodbye. I’ve tried to diffuse the text messages going back and forth by changing my cell phone number and asking my roommate, if he was, to quit stirring up trouble. I saw the text message that my ex-boyfriend sent to my roommate’s phone. My brother couldn’t believe he was doing this - he said that he seemed like such a nice guy but that he must have been able to hide it for awhile. My whole family is very disappointed; everyone thought he was such a nice person. I don’t know how you could not notice how many good people were disappearing from your life and/or disappointed in you and your actions and think that maybe it’s a sign that you’re not doing something correctly and that it’s time to make a change. I don’t know what kind of world that you would be living in where you were always right no matter how many signs read “wrong way - do not enter.” It’s very sad. If not receiving the gift wouldn’t hurt my Switch Witches’ feelings, I wouldn’t even care at this point - but she worked really hard to make my gift - there was some type of project that she did a couple of times before she got it right.

I’m trying a new medication this week, after my roommate gets back home safely, that is supposed to help my stomach pain - keeping my fingers crossed.

Someone complimented me on my new hair color and haircut today! Yay! I was so worried, because it's so bold - it's red on top and shorter on top and then black underneath on the very bottom layer - but I still have all of the length in back. The roommate promised to get a good picture of it when he is feeling better and is discharged from the hospital. It's really cute in a ponytail, because little pieces stick up at the base of the ponytail and then the ponytail is mostly black and then red with a peekaboo black piece on the crown. I received the shipping notice on my new dress too - yay for me!

"When I'm able to walk, I'm the Queen of my world."

I have a tracking number for my Switch Witch present! Why what is a Switch Witch you ask? It's like a secret santa but better - hehe - I'm a member of a perfume oil community where perfume is just a small part sometimes - it's just the most awesome group of people. You join the round and fill out a questionnaire and a secret person gets to know you and you do the same for someone else. And, then you send little packages, e-cards - whatever strikes your fancy to your secret witchee. It's really fun, and I have a package coming! (hehe) I've already finished witching my witch (hehe - say that 5 times fast!)

I've been reaching for much different oils than I normally do - usually I'm a bubblegum, foodie scent type of girl - I guess it's because I'm going through a lot of changes right now. I've fallen in love with these two Black Phoenix oils:

Whip: Agony and ecstasy: black leather and damp red rose. (Usually, I detest rose scents but ohmygod this smells good on me - flowery with a big slap of naughty - must get more of this!)

Graveyard Dirt: A tribute to a somehat nefarious and truly notorious ingredient in New Orleans spellcrafting. It is employed in hoodoo rootwork for various reasons, primarily in spells of protection, “tricking” your enemies, binding, and even love magick. The graves are chosen based on the type of working, and are determined by the type of spirit that lies there and the manner of their demise. Payment is always required in the form of offerings to the deceased. This is the scent of pure graveyard dust, spattered with grave loam and dusted lightly with tombstone moss.

(I do *not* like scents with dirt notes in them - ever! But, this goes freaking wicked chocolate on me - a down and dirty, sexy chocolate. I adore this - which is not good because it was discontinued in 2005 so is very hard to get - I got lucky and snagged a couple of vials).

He called tonight to tell me that my roommate sent him a text message. I'm like, you're a big boy - handle it yourself - I'm not responsible for what my roommate does or doesn't do. He claims he's going to file a complaint about him - go for it! Just don't call me whining about it - because I just don't care - I had to deal with his crazy exes contacting me and befriending my ex. I'm sick of all the drama. I almost didn't pick up the phone; I probably shouldn't have - some part of me was hoping that he had something nice to say like "hey, I realized how dumb it was to not do one little thing for someone that loves me with all of her heart and soul so that she'll feel safe living with me." I'd like to write the script for my life for just one week - seriously.

I'm part of a necklace swap where I have to make a necklace for a secret swapper - how do I get myself into these things?! I wish I knew someone locally that could teach me beading; I would love to learn how. I think for now I'm going to get some metal clay and sculpt a centerpiece necklace - it seems the closest thing to my current skill set.

My Snow, Glass, Apples perfume is coming this week too with a limited edition copy of Neil Gaiman's short story of the same name. I was lucky to snag the set (a limited edition chapbook and the accompanying perfume) - they sold out in a day - did I mention that I love love love packages? (yes! all kinds....hee!)

Snow, Glass, Apples: It's supposed to smell like "sexy, vampire apples"- here's the intro--

She said nothing. Her eyes were black as coal, black as her hair; her lips were redder than blood. She looked up at me and smiled. Her teeth seemed sharp, even then, in the lamplight.

"What are you doing away from your room?"

"I'm hungry," she said, like any child.

It was winter, when fresh food is a dream of warmth and sunlight; but I had strings of whole apples, cored and dried, hanging from the beams of my chamber, and I pulled an apple down for her.

"Here."

Autumn is the time of drying, of preserving, a time of picking apples, of rendering the goose fat. Winter is the time of hunger, of snow, and of death; and it is the time of the midwinter feast, when we rub the goose-fat into the skin of a whole pig, stuffed with that autumn's apples, then we roast it or spit it, and we prepare to feast upon the crackling.

She took the dried apple from me and began to chew it with her sharp yellow teeth.

"Is it good?"

She nodded. I had always been scared of the little princess, but at that moment I warmed to her and, with my fingers, gently, I stroked her cheek. She looked at me and smiled -- she smiled but rarely -- then she sank her teeth into the base of my thumb, the Mound of Venus, and she drew blood.

I began to shriek, from pain and from surprise; but she looked at me and I fell silent.

(borrowed from the lab)

So excited...now, if only I could sleep - apparently, the pain and stress of the past few weeks are wreaking havoc with my sleeping schedule.

"It's nothing but time and a face that you lose. I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose."

Oh my god, I just never get over how sexy the voices of 50 Cent and Petey Pablo are - I swear I could have an orgasm just listening to them (hehe) Of course, I'm always a sucker (no pun intended) for the geeky guys too - and the edgy (tattoos, piercings...hair standing straight up all messy-like) guys - yeah, giving up - I like all types of men. They have to have *something* though - a sexy grin, the ability to make me laugh - something that catches my attention. A few pretty words does nothing for me.

I'm going to a "back to school" party later in August. I can't decide whether to dress up like a school girl (I have before for Halloween) - or just get a slammin' dress (hehe) I could use the dress again which would be a plus. But, I have my eye on a short plaid skirt and a loose tie with a low-cut white button-up top - Decisions Decisions.

Almost all of my belongings are safely back where they were should be resting. I hope his heart is as empty as his walls are now. He tried to behave most of the time that I was there - because a friend and my roommate went with me - he started cracking at the end. First, I had a couple of movies that I had sent to his house directly from the shippers, because I wanted to reassure him that I was coming up there - and wanted to share things with him. I took both of these movies out (Matchstick Men and Shoot Em Up for the curious) - and he starts saying "I thought you bought those for me." Whatever - I had already told everyone in the car that would happen - so it was actually kind of funny in a way that he is so predictable. My sanity and heart are worth way more than two movies. Then, I came in and couldn't get the door to shut all the way (the inside door - the glass door was securely closed all the way) - the inner door has a broken handle and if you shut it all the way - it won't open from the outside so I was trying to be careful so I could keep going in and out. It bounced off the frame and before I had a chance to get it to close slightly, he started being rude about losing "air conditioning" (note: the glass door was closed tightly). My friend (who used to be his best friend, by the way) came in and left it wide open, and he didn't say *anything* to him.

Me: "Hmm...you'll complain to me about leaving the door open but not say anything when someone else does it."

Him: "[to friend] Could you please close the door, because it's letting cold air out [note before he even finishes the sentence that he just sighs and starts to get up and close it himself like two other adults are children and can't close the door]

It should also be noted here that my friend commented later - and he was correct - if he wouldn't have just sat there and not offered a hand - and then tried to be nice and talk to everyone that it would have gone much smoother. But, he was just sitting on the couch playing with his phone trying to look really busy like he has 300 other friends that need his attention.

Me: "If you start being aggressive or negative, I'm going to call the police, so that I can get the rest of my stuff."

Him: "Call the police, bitch" <=== OHmygod, yeah - his anger problem is under control - huh? Hehe.

I thought he said that the next time he had an outburst or called someone a name that he would get psychological help. It's funny how things work out sometimes. If anything, he's just cemented that I made the appropriate decision. He couldn't even not call me a name in front of someone else.

Other comments made:

(1) Do you want me to delete you from my phone?
(2) Are you getting back with your ex now? And, then some comment about how that would be stupid.
(3) You can't even be nice and talk to me.

Just for the record, as I told him, why am I going to be nice? I'm not going to call him names or lash out at him, but I'm not going to sit there and put a fake smile on my face and play nice. I had already told my employer that I was leaving, my gastro doctor, my family doctor, my friends, my family - everyone - and had moved most of my stuff up there. Why should I play like everything is all happy with rainbows all over? That's crap. I told him that I was hurt and angry and wasn't going to be a fake person and pretend everything is ok - because it isn't.

I got home and 2 text messages were waiting for me (note that these are 15 minutes from one another - which is crazy because one is rude and one is more "positive" - almost like two different people sent them ::plays eerie music::)

Text #1: (any typos or misspellings NOT mine...hee) Good luck to you. you will always have a special place in my heart! Ill focus on all the good times.

Text #2: What should I do with the rest of ur shit burn it or do I have to deal with ur rudeness again.

(What? Fuck me. He called me a bitch...hehe)

I responded which I shouldn't because he just wants attention and is trying to get the last word in - that's how controlling he is and it's scary. And, yeah, I'm stubborn - one of my faults.

Text #1: You are the person that needs good luck perhaps it will come in the form of introspection and insight about urself and ur words and actions.

Text #2: I gave everything of myself that I had 2 offer my conscience is clear heart is bruised but will heal have plenty of strength left.

His responses:

Text #1: Good for u! Cause u r a duplicatious (hehe - it's duplicitous...geez) person. U say whatever it takes to get what u want. U did it to me, to "my friend", and even to "my ex" - U use and hurt peop

No kidding. That is so not me. I don't ever try to hurt people on purpose unless I'm on the defensive - everyone that knows me knows this simple truth. I think sometimes people project what they are doing or what they are onto others.

Text #2: le with ur actions. if that sits well on ur conscience then ur are worse person than I had ever imagined! Good bye

Text #3: Ok then be happy with ur life and lmove on! Leave me alone!

(it should be noted he texted me 4 hours after I left to come back to Little Rock - I did not contact him until after he contacted me!)

My response to his responses until he realized that he can't text as fast as I can (hee!):

Text #1: One day u will wake up and realize how many of ur true friends are gone I feel sorry for u

Text #2: Uh u initiated contact via text and threatened 2 burn my things u can txt all u want and will never win I won I'm safe and didn't say things I regret goodbye 2 u

Done. I'm done giving him attention. I was serious - my conscience is clear. He was verbally abusive - he has an anger problem - I asked him to get help, before I moved my pets and me up there - and he refused. End of story - He has a friend that he always says has anger issues, and he went with her a few months ago so that she could take MEDICATION for her depression and anger. It's just so ironic that he cannot see these qualities in himself. I asked for maybe two 45-minutes sessions with a therapist for a lifetime of happiness that I would try to provide (not to mention the best sex that I could give, the best holidays, the most love that I could share) - and it's just too hard for him to look inside of himself. I really do feel badly for him, but it's where he wants to be. He gives advice to other people all of the time about what to do in relationships and how to deal with people that have issues - but he won't take his advice upon himself. It's like dealing with an addict only his drug is anger, and you can't force an addict to get help until he or she is ready. I would have given him everything though; I really cared about him.

So, yesterday was awful and I was instructed upon medical advice that I could take a double dose of anxiety medication - I was so out of it! I came home and made a purchase that was $100.00 without even remembering - ohmygod, I asked my roommate to keep me off the computer because I've done this before when I used to have to take a lot of medication when my gallbladder was failing. Thank god that was the only thing I bought! The way home was awful, but my roommate was a trooper. I can't thank my friend and roommate enough for helping me get through yesterday; they both really came through for me. I almost had to be taken to an emergency room on the way home, because I had an IBS attack - I guess from all of the stress. My mom's seats (we had to take her car because mine is too small to fit my stuff) are heated - so my ex told me to lay the seat down and turn the heat on for the seat and lay on it stomach down - a make-shift heating pad - yay! Hee. It really did help, and I made it home. I'm so glad that it's a new day!

"When I'm done with thinking, then I'm done with you."

My room smells like birthday cake; my roommate thought lighting a candle would help. It's nauseating and inappropriate - I need to make my room smell like burning flesh and bleeding heart. I've had three Klonopin, three advil, and a Vistaril for the nausea (because it's so hot here). I have a horrible headache. I'm alone again. I asked him to get help for his anger - just to see a therapist or a psychologist to DETERMINE whether his problem is chemical or situational and he refused. He hung up on me later in the conversation. When will I ever find someone that won't mind making a few sacrifices to make me happy? Why do I always have to be the one that sacrifices everything? I was giving up so much, but I thought I was doing it for the right reasons. I thought I had found someone to spend my life with - to laugh with - to cry with - to be with in any capacity. I was wrong again. How many times can I choose the wrong person? Am I looking for the wrong type of person? He was so nice to me for months. Is that as long as some people can last? My previous boyfriend lasted at least 6 years. Am I driving people to be nasty? When I asked him to get help for his rage - these are the answers:

(1) I'll get help the *next* time I have a problem with it.
(2) Me and Jesus Christ are working on it.

What? Where the hell did Jesus come from or how did he get into this? He's never said anything like that before - he doesn't go to church, pray, or anything. It's just nuts, really. He blamed me - BLAMED me partially for him calling me names. Holy Shit. His mom blamed him in the letter for her getting into trouble, because he told on her when she pushed him around. Maybe I overestimated him; I hate being disappointed in people. It really tears me up. I'm so sick of being disappointed. Why can't I find someone laid back that wants to be with me - wake up with me - and laugh with me? One of my friends was fucking right. He told me this was going to happen - that he would never admit that it was something that he couldn't fix on his own. You can't fix a CHEMICAL imbalance. He's not a doctor - he has no medical degree - but he and JESUS CHRIST can fix it. He told me how much better he is doing - that's because I haven't fucking stayed at his house since his last meltdown. So, no kidding that you are doing better - I'm not there to disrupt your precious life. I have to go and get my stuff. I'm taking whomever I can talk into going with me. I'm not going alone, because there is too much stuff. I have one night to get over this; I'm not letting this break me. I've been through much much worse. I've been through two horrible surgeries and a lingering illness that just won't go away. I've been through 2 cats dying in one week. I've been through a million medical tests. I can fucking get through this - I'm done with people treating me this way. I'm done giving unless somoene is giving equally back. I had a whole package ready for him - 2 books (one fun, one anger management), a t-shirt, candy, a card, stickers - so many things just sitting here now. I'm taking everything back that I can and trading it for things for MYSELF - all for MYSELF.

I'm so tired of selfish people - people that get hurt and think it's because they gave up too much of themselves. Then, those people become so selfish that they don't compromise in a relationship - there are compromises and sacrifices in a relationship - it's just a fact. If you only look out for yourself, then it's just not going to work. I'm tired of being the unselfish one. I've just had enough. I'm tired of fighting so hard. I'm just tired yet again.