"Breaking up the girl..."

I'm trying to decide whether or not to get my hair cut. I really need a change. I've had long hair most of my life, and I haven't had it cut into a short style for at least 10 years. I really like how America's Next Top Model cut Sara's hair above - and, if I get it cut, that's the style that I would like. If I talk myself into it, it's going to be difficult to keep my courage up. I dislike the fact that my hair is a security blanket. I'm fairly shy in person, and if I tilt my head a little - I have instant privacy. If my hair is short, I don't have that privacy - my face is just out there for anyone to see no matter how uncomfortable or how nervous I am. The last time I got it cut I hated it, but I had it cut to my shoulders. From looking at past pictures of myself, my hair actually only looks good if it's really short or really long - I don't like pictures of myself with my hair at any of the medium lengths. So, if I do it, I have to go all the way (hehe). I keep telling myself that if you have long hair - you can fix it in ways where you can see all of it or make it appear shorter by pinning it up. Although, I don't hardly ever wear my hair up - I wear it in ponytails a lot in the summer. On the upside, I have tons of long and gorgeous earrings that I've gotten over the years that I've never really had an opportunity to wear in a way that people could see them. Also, my hair grows at a really fast pace - so, if I hated it - it's not going to take 5 years to get it back. I remember when it was shorter; I would look at women with longer hair and wish that I hadn't cut it. I also remember feeling naked without it. I've changed a lot of the past couple of years, so I'm wondering if the present me would deal with it better and have fun with it. I'm trying not to make a rash decision, because that it the easiest way to regret something. Also, despite any emotional attachment, it really is only hair. I'm sure other people in the world (including myself) have a million other things to worry about that are much more important. Decisions decisions

"Because now I see the destructive power of a lie...they're stronger than truth"

I despise liars. I just don't understand people that lie all of the time. How can someone stand in front of you and promise that he/she is not lying to you and still be lying? I guess some people are just made differently. I've lied to protect someone else's feelings about something he/she cannot change (e.g. Do you like my new haircut?). But, even this is only done with people I don't know very well. If my brother asked me how a shirt looked or my best friend asked, I would tell either of them to change if it was awful. I hope that they would do the same with me. I can't lie about the important things. I have no desire to lie about the important things. My first boyfriend lied. I was with him for 4 years. He lied about everything. The last year he was in high school, he pretended to leave for school every day from my house (he lived with me and my mom because his parents were having separation problems) and in actuality he was driving to a friend's house. He had to get a G.E.D. after school ended, because he had missed so many days. He had me help him with homework that he never turned in; he let my mom support him because his parents only gave him $20.00 a week. He wrecked the 2nd car that I ever had - a two-week old 3000 GT - racing against someone else while I was in a college class. He told me that he slid off the road in the rain; he told his friends the truth and it got back to me. 6,000 dollars worth of damage, and they never did repair it correctly - I finally just traded it in after a couple of years. He just lied about everything...he had a whole secret life. I think that's the main quality that I look for in friends or significant others - honesty is crucial. Nothing is worse than the feeling of not knowing someone that you've lived with or have had an extended relationship with. Who wants to have to be suspicous of someone all of the time? Who wants to have to check to make sure that person isn't lying all of the time. That is no way to live. I was lied to this week by someone that I really believed was my friend. It hurts. It makes the world have that surreal feeling, where something seems wrong but you can't pinpoint it. It's just an uneasy feeling in your stomach.

I also don't understand people that can say awful things to you when you're arguing. There are some things that you can say to a person that can never be taken back - can never be truly apologized for - can never be forgotten. Anyone that knows another person well probably knows 2 or 3 things that you should never make fun of about that person - that the person is truly afraid of or truly sensitive about. I try to never hit these buttons in an argument even if the other person is hitting my buttons just to hurt me. I learned a long time ago that you really can't ever look at someone again in the same way once these things are said. It changes the friendship/relationship forever.

I was called last week about a position that I applied for and had a second interview pursuant to over 2 months ago. He basically called to just tell me why I didn't get a job. That was very odd; I've never had someone do that. He said he may have another position available in 2 months but that the other candidate had 10 years of experience. It's weird - I'm having a difficult time finding a full-time job, but everyone always feels guilty for not hiring me. I wish someone would feel guilty enough to hire me :P

I had to call the police last week, because someone was on my upper deck next to my bedroom. I was upstairs in my room, and my roommate had just opened the door to go outside on the middle floor and I heard someone run down the wooden steps - my roommate saw the person running but it was dark. The first police car got here about 45 minutes after I called 911. The police officer told me that they couldn't find my house, because the numbers appear to be "off" - the house across the street is 11 numbers different than my address. I had seen the police car enter the beginning of the street the first time, but I wasn't going to run down the road to lead them to the right house when I just called in that someone was on my deck and was running away. I didn't want to be shot :P She told me that she had to wait for her supervisor to get there to write up a report, and he got there about 5 minutes later. He just looked at me like I was looney tunes while I described what had happened. I've only had to call the police maybe 3 times in my life (one was when someone broke into my house - breaking the garage window), one was to report someone throwing hard objects at cars - mine included, and this was the third. I explained that I had checked both the upper and lower deck, but that I had not checked the backyard (which is fairly large and has lots of shrubbery). He didn't offer to check the backyard and didn't write a report. He said that they had looked at the other streets and hadn't noticed anyone. I explained that I'm sure that whomever it was - was surely gone because it had been 45 minutes since it occurred. The whole interaction was just odd. There have been a rash of burglaries and break-ins in this area lately, so now it's even more difficult to sleep.

I have a very difficult time thinking optimisitic thoughts. When I'm around people, I'm generally pretty happy and I laugh a lot and have fun. But, in my own mind, I think very negatively about things that are happening to me or things that I wish would happen. I think I do this so that when the good things don't happen or when the bad things occur - I'll be ready for them. I won't be disappointed. I wish it was a thought process that I could change, and I really have tried to change it. My mom is very big into thinking positively and imagining good things happening to you. I've just never have been able to do this - I always joke around and tell people that I have lots of luck - just most of it is bad. Maybe all of my good luck will come later in life (with my luck, I won't be here to receive it...laugh).