"I may be soft in your palm, but I'll soon grow hungry for a fight and I will not let you win..."

I've been in such strange moods - I'm having such a hard time keeping my spirits up. I can't stand waiting for the surgery (although, I don't mind getting into all the trouble I can until then...hehe). I just want to get it over with - I made a list today of things that make me smile to try to stay positive.

Things that make me smile:

(1) The sound of one of my pugs snoring

(2) Lingering in bed on a rainy, dark day

(3) Good sex

(4) Reminiscing about good sex

(5) The sound of a purring cat (no pun intended…hehe)

(6) A warm bed in the winter or a cool pillow in the summer

(7) An amazing kiss that you just don’t want to end

(8) Someone being goofy and trying to make me laugh or cheer me up

(9) Playing music loudly

(10) A funny movie

(11) Buying and wearing a new outfit, new lingerie, new make-up…you get the idea…(grin)

(12) Surprises

(13) Flirting with a talented flirt

(14) Making horrible puns

(15) A painting that just goes right

(16) Discovering a new perfume or shower gel that I love and smelling wherever that I applied it (My newest favorite is Black Phoenix Alchemy's perfume oil in "Eden" - the description is following:

At the center of the Garden of Eden stands the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Though modern interpretations of the Bible claim that it was an apple that the Serpent of the Tree offered to Eve, it is widely believed that the true Fruit of True Knowledge was, in fact, a fig. This oil contains the innocence of the Garden, coupled with the Truth and Erudition found in the fruit of the Tree of Evil: fig leaf, fig fruit, honeyed almond milk, toasted coconut and sandalwood

(17) A conversation that just flows without any lapses

(18) Saying something wicked that I shouldn’t and getting a reaction

(19) Making someone blush or someone making me blush

(20) A unexpected compliment

(21) A hot bath

(22) Having a few moments where I'm not worried about anything

(23) "Racing" someone in my car and not chickening out before he does

(24) Wandering around the house completely naked except for bunny slippers

(25) Making someone else smile

"I said the tables will be turned around boy..."

It’s weird having Christmas early. I don’t like it. Everyone is rushing around, and there are commercials on television about hurrying to grab the last-minute gifts – and, I am just done. Everything is wrapped and unwrapped; everything is over. Christmas Day will just be an inconvenience because everything will be closed. And, then I get mad at myself for whining and complaining about petty, meaningless things when other people are suffering.

I did go out to get two more gifts tonight and went to Dillards to get cologne on my list. Two people cut in front of me. I said something the 2^nd time but was just ignored. I hate when people do that – if there was anywhere else convenient that I could have purchased it, I would have left. I am always so careful about not taking someone else’s turn to be helped. I think that is so inconsiderate to do that. So many people are so selfish now – it’s all about them and how important their time is – other peoples’ time is just as important. It’s just a general lack of respect for people in general – it’s getting worse or I’m noticing it more.

On the upside, I do have lots of new presents. I think I received about 4 gift certificates (Kroger, Fashion Bug, Park Plaza, and Wal-mart), so I can go out and do some shopping this coming week. I had Tyler candles on my list which are these amazing soy candles that smell so good that I’ve been addicted to them for years (big surprise, huh?) and I ended up with 5 of them – I have absolutely no problem with this (grin). I received warm cinnamon, holiday (cranberry and orange scented), sugarbaby (sugar and vanilla scented), Tyler (kind of an ivy Christmas-like scent), and Glamtastic (blackberry over a layer of vanilla). I really didn’t think I’d like the original “Tyler” scent, but once it started burning – I decided that I really like it – I had to look up what was in it:

Bursting with the medley of currant and grapefruit. A dash of green undertones adds an opulent twist! Firmly grounded with confidence! Candle color Camilla Sage.

I also received an artist-made fairy that I can hang from my ceiling, artist-made cat perfume bottle, Black Phoenix oils, gift certificate for a dentist appointment, monkey slippers, shower-gel base, an alligator ornament with a “boa” around its neck carrying shopping bags, a black slinky dress with sequins at the bust, a shirt with a built-in necklace, a pay-as-you-go phone with 1000 minutes, shower gels, belly rings (a butterfly and a skull), two movies (My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Step Up), a sparkly cat necklace, and a fragrance burning lamp. I’m forgetting things – my whole family always goes overboard on Christmas, but this year I think everyone felt especially bad because Christmas was moved and weird. My brother even got angry toward the date (he *never* gets mad), because my mom was supposed to leave the day after Christmas and her husband decided they were leaving that afternoon thus rushing the day. He fell over once trying to rush out of the house and knocked over a gift my brother got my mom and broke a bunch of votives in it. I found out later that they were rushing to pick up his granddaughter from the school bus that drops her off minutes from her house while his grandson is having a small surgery for a “bone spur” type thing – like the kid didn’t have any friends she could go home with or anything – this is crap – just a bullshit excuse. I had to move my surgery two weeks from now, because there isn’t anyone that can watch me the day of, so they can rush up to Chicago where his grandson has a million people that can watch him.

Thus, I can’t have surgery now until January 10, 2007. My mother’s husband extended their “vacation” another 6 days past what was planned, so she isn’t back to until the 3^rd, and my brother is out of vacation days. The next surgery day my surgeon had open after the 3^rd was the 10^th. I hate just sitting here waiting. Another 20 days of pain and fear. If everything was “normal” this year, I would have already been healing from surgery that occurred last Wednesday or had it scheduled for this coming Wednesday. Don’t even get me started on the fact that I have to remove my belly ring for the surgery which will close it :( My brother promised to get it re-pierced for me – he went to the appointment with me and felt bad.

My “6” key on my laptop broke – I wonder if this means something – I’m glad that I am not a superstitious person (hehe). What if I need to type in Satan’s address or something? Or his next door neighbor’s address? (667) (hehe – can’t take credit – saw it on a t-shirt) Of course I’m kidding, I’m only religious during sex (oh, god oh god…hehe), and I’m not anti-religion.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

"Baby, it's cold outside..."

I'm still annoyed about celebrating Christmas early. I hate having it moved around for others' convenience so they can get out of here for Christmas. It's really making me pissy about Christmas. I'm getting pissy just in general, because I'm tired of waiting for the appointment with my surgeon - it's this Tuesday. I tried to get an earlier appointment for weeks and couldn't - I just want to get this over with. I had to be taken to the ER again last night for pain - apparently, if you go into the ER in tears - go to your knees b/c you have to double over because it feels like a hand is inside the middle of your body twisting your insides - you get taken right back - who knew? More blood tests, x-rays, pain medication injection and go home and wait for surgery - at least this time there is some type of potential "end" in sight.

Due to the fact that my mother decided to just move Christmas, I'm not sure if I'm going to get everything in the mail on time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I get everyone in my family a funny t-shirt every year. I ordered my brother's t-shirt off of a website that I always get his from, and they waited 5 days to e-mail me and basically tell me the shirt was out of stock, my order was canceled, and here's my refund - merry freaking Christmas. They didn't even offer to let me pick another shirt with expedited shipping at their expense - it's too late to not have to pay 2 day shipping now since the whole let's move Christmas b/c it's more convenient for 2 people out of 6 thing. I ordered him another t-shirt and had to pay $13 just to get it in time. These are the shirts:

Mother's T-shirt: The shirt has 2 paint splatters where the boobs are and reads "AR TITS" - my mom' s an artist - that one cracks me up :D

Sister-in-Law's T-shirt: It reads across the breasts - "no, I'm not interested, I'm just cold" - she gets mad at me b/c I mess w/her all the time b/c she wears thin shirts and she obviously gets cold a lot - it's probably repressed jealousy b/c I always wanted perky ones (hehe)

Stepfather's T-shirt: There's a snake with a knot in his tail - it reads "A Reptile Dysfunction" - I love bad puns :D

Brother's T-shirt #1 (that was canceled) It had an eye with a "teardrop" and it read "swallow...or it's going in your eye." (laugh) Yeah, we all have sick senses of humor.

Brother's T-shirt #2: "Ask me about my explosive diarrhea." My brother always has to run to the bathroom right after he eats - he jokes about it all the time about whether a bowel movement is a "one-flusher" or "two-flusher" - can you imagine what it was like growing up in my household?

I also got my brother a package of band-aids that look just like strips of bacon: http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=1224

Hilarious. My brother's gifts are always the most fun - I also got him a license plate holder that is red l.e.d. on the bottom and scrolls 5 different programmable messages when you hit the brakes. Hopefully, he won't get arrested for what he chooses as messages. The most evil thing is a rubberband gun - not a "kiddie" one but an adult, stretch that baby out as far as you can, gun - hopefully, since I gave it - I won't get hit by it :P Someone will - can't wait (hehe). The rest of the gifts for everyone are vanilla but still are good picks - I just won't bore you with them here - hell, you didn't even make it this far anyway.

I lost a friend tonight. You know who you are. We've talked extensively online and on the phone, but I haven't had a chance to meet him simply because I'm hesitant about traveling right now b/c of my stomach unless someone is with me in the car. I just wanted to send him a card and a handmade ornament (my mom and I made ornaments this year with swirled paint in them - they rock and they are signed). He wouldn't let me and really didn't offer a good explanation as to why - "our mail goes to the wrong address sometimes" - so? It' s a Christmas card and an ornament - it's not PORN. He already has my address; he looked it up. I give up on understanding people; people are nuts.

"A voyeur with wings flashes a cure..."

Well, I finally got my gallbladder scan results back after almost THIRTY days (how annoying is that?), and I failed. The first test that I've ever been glad that I did poorly on - I finally, finally know what's wrong with my stomach. My ejection fraction went from 34% (37% is normal) down to 15% in two-months. So, my gallbladder is packing its bags and should be taken out the first or second week of January (good riddance you evil bastard ). It's weird having something inside of you that you know is dying. I kept hoping it would come back a little decreased just so that my doctor could see a trend that it was getting worse - I had no idea that it would come back with as poor of function as it did though. I was starting to feel a little crazy. You tell people that you're sick and can hardly move and that you can't eat anything and have to plan events at least 12 hours in advance, so that you can make sure there isn't any food in your system so you won't feel bad - but no one, except for the people you live with, can see any outward signs. People just have a tendency to not believe you. Especially, if you need financial help from anyone - family members really. So, now it was my fault that I quit my job and got myself into this situation but the past 10 months haven't been 100% my fault. I couldn't fight this by myself. It wasn't until 2 months ago that they finally found a combination of medications and pain pills to take when needed to allow for me to be able even to moderately function. I'm still not myself. Every time I got into a car, I would worry if I was close to a hospital or worry that I would get sick while I was out. When I would get sick, I would really get sick - the acid would crawl its way into my throat and cause it to swell and feel like I had someone choking me and my stomach would cramp so badly that I would have to double over to deal with the pain (I lost you at double over didn't I, you big pervs...hehe).

I am officially only as crazy as I ever was previously (hehe). I can deal with normal crazy; I just didn't want to deal with straight jacket crazy (those would be so restricting - just imagine all the things you couldn't do ) I think I cried for 2 hours after the nurse told me on Tuesday. I just didn't know what I felt. Now, I'm scared of course - I've only ever had a tonsillectomy. I've never had to stay in the hospital. I've never had a surgery over 29 minutes which is the amount of time it took my ENT to take out my tonsils. Hopefully, they can perform it laproscopically which will leave me with 4 very small incisions that can be covered with band-aids versus a 4-inch incision which will leave a large scar. Not that I go around showing strangers my stomach on a daily basis - but the latter surgery requires a longer hospital stay and a longer recovery time. I read online that the 4-inch incision is only done in emergent situations or if your gallbladder is too swollen to extract laproscopically (or if you have abdominal girth in a location where it's hard to tell what is being removed...I may be screwed here...hehe...thank god they aren't operating near my boobs...laughing).

Bearing that I make it through the surgery and recovery without a flaw, I wonder how it's going to be after. Is this going to fix everything? I've been stomach sick off/on since the end of law school 6 years ago - was it my gallbladder the entire time? This experience has really changed my personality and my outlook in life - can I get it back? I have a million concerns. I really just want to get the awful thing out of me and heal and get back to normal and start anew. I want a chance to be a "normal" person where I'm not sick every other day. I have a lot of things to catch up on - fun-wise, career-wise - I'm excited and scared.

Some people close to me and a few of my doctors didn't believe that I was sick. My first gastroenterologist finally just told me that it was basically in my head and anxiety-based. My mom had a hard time believing me, because my dad had stomach problems and my grandmother had stomach problems - and my whole family has anxiety issues. I kept trying to tell everyone how sick I was - I literally had multiple days that I did not make it out of the house or out of bed even. I love to go to movies, go shopping, go out dancing - didn't people realize how weird it was that I didn't even leave the house to do these things frequently? I haven't eaten in a restaurant for 10 months - I used to go 2 times a week. It's awful to be sick but even more awful to feel like you have to prove that you are sick. I went to the ER one night because I was feeling so awful and the pain pills weren't making a dent - they gave me the usual G.I. cocktail and a pain medicine injection but no one said hey, hope you find out what this is or hey, hope you feel better. This other woman had sprained her ankle and people were all over her - nurses, hospital staff - as she was leaving - telling her that they hoped she felt better soon. Just because they could see a hairline fracture on her x-ray, she garnered more compassion than everyone else in the ER? She knew what was wrong - she would go home and steadily get better. A lot of the people in the ER are the "lost" people - the ones where someone can't figure out what is wrong or can't heal it. This really bothers me.

My family doctor was so excited when I went to see him this week; he is the one that recommended that I have a second gallbladder scan - he knew what it was the whole time. For anyone reading this who is sick, don't let others tell you that you aren't - you know your body - if you're sick, you know it - keep fighting no matter how many doctors doubt you. Eventually, you may be able to find an answer.

My Christmas list that I sent to my family this year before finding out the results:

Dear Santa:

It’s been a really rough year. I really shouldn’t be asking for any presents, since it will be so hard for me to buy any presents – even though that part of Christmas is truly my favorite part – I love to watch my family’s faces when they open gifts that I spent a lot of time and care choosing. It’s been making me cry almost every day that I realize that I should already be searching for presents and funny t-shirts online, but I just don’t have the means - I wish for my health the most. And, then I wish to get my life back to where I have control of my body and thus control over my career. I am determined though to make sure I am able to get a few special gifts for everyone that I love. These are just all of my ideas – I know I won’t get everything – just trying to make lots of options.

(1) SHOWER GELS:

Peppermint Twist and Wickedly Decadent Chocolate from Bath and Body Works).

Shower Gel BASE from ebay (Bobby knows about this – so I can make my own shower gels – comes in a gallon for about $17.99)

1 oz. flip top squeeze bottles from ebay (to put shower gel that I make in)

(2) 100% Pure essential Oils (These are the oils I use to make perfume and will use to make my own shower gels) I usually buy 1 oz. or smaller – have a 4 oz. bottle that I haven’t put a dent in. Any are good – here are some of the ones on my “to get” list :

(a) Cherry

(b) Vetiver

(c) Sandalwood

(d) Hazelnut

(e) Lemon

(f) Coconut

(g) Peppermint

(h) Amaretto

(i) Honey

(j) Marshmallow

(k) White Tea

(l) Peach

(m) Ylang Ylang

(n) Bergamot

(o) Brown Sugar

(Only about $2.99 each so already have the following: Lime, Clove, White Chocolate, Orange, Frosted Snowdrops, Bubblegum, Vanilla Cream, Vanilla Sugar, Butterscotch, Caramel, Brandy, Spearmint, Dragon’s Blood, Iris, and Dragon’s Breath)

http://stores.ebay.com/BULKOILS on ebay are my favorite so far – very good prices and oils smell really good but other brands are ok too if find unique scent.

The store above has a bunch of sampler sets where you can try 15-16 scents at one time.

(3) Gift Certificate for teeth cleaning (at Bobby/Rachel’s dentist or dentist for COWARDS with updated office – like tv’s on ceilings, etc – want something modern and in Little Rock)

(4) Flexible Keyboard ($7.00) (cheap on ebay and in fun colors!)

(5) Tyler candles (love food scents – used all of sugarbaby candle L )

(6) Popsicle Molds ($5.00) (want to make own popsicles with sugar-free drinks)

(7) Gift certificates

www.fashionbug.com

www.zaftique.com

(fashion bug will help you over telephone, mom)

(8) Black phoenix alchemy IMPS (samples – only should be 2.99-5.00 – very small) Here are some of the ones I’m still trying to get – don’t need all of these – just some to search for if you want on ebay: )

black pearl eat me wrath honey moon

white rabbit bliss death on a pale horse “O”

hungry ghost moon bon vivant sin

dragon moon chimera beaver moon

snow moon eclipse pink moon

snow bunny velvet lick it

On a positive note, my best friend believed me the whole time, and, even though he's always not the nicest person, he was always there for me when I was sick. Also, my brother never disbelieved me - he helped me every chance that he had - talked to me anytime that I called him when I was sicker than usual and/or scared or panicky. He never doubted me (he slipped me $200 to buy Christmas gifts with the other day - that made me cry so hard). My mother paid my car payments last month and started paying for all my medications. As you can see my number one Christmas wish was granted - that I would get a chance to get better physicaly, I guess I can't complain as much about having bad luck (of course, I still have to make it through the surgery...oh be quiet, you didn't really think that I could change overnight, did you? hehe)

"I thought that you'd be here by now..."

Picture compliments of my blog-less incredibly bright, witty, sexy friend :)

I've been in the foulest mood today. It's just one of those days, where I can't even garner the energy to pretend that I'm not in a bad mood and being a complete bitch. I went to my mom's Halloween party during the day which was fun - of course, I was running late. The back of my costume closes with a corset tie, so it's really hard to get in and out of it (umm...this could be bad...laugh). My mom was in her punk rocker garb and looked really cute. My mom always looks cute - she's 5 foot (laugh) My mom is seeing a therapist today, because she's so stressed out because I've been stomach sick and her husband doesn't want her assisting me in any way - mentally or financially. I try not to ask for anything unless it's a dire emergency. She pays me for the maintenance of her website already. She said that she has "too many opinions;" however, she acknowledged that I'm not really voicing one in this situation so I think she just means one opinion. I feel really bad - I'm not sure if there is anything I can do at this point. She was supposed to meet me the other day at 11:00 a.m. and her husband heard her talking to me and planning a time. She wasn't able to make it over here to pick me up until noon, and she slipped and told me that she swore that he was "subconsciously" stalling on purpose so that she would be late to do things with me. How childish is this? He's not doing it subconsciously; he knows what he's doing. He never liked how close my mom, brother, and I were when he met my mom. How could we not be close? Her husband died at 44; our father died when we were 19 and 17. We all only had each other. We had been mostly that way before. My father worked all of the time - I mean all of the time. He was saving a mass amount of money for retirement but retirement never came. I have a hard time balancing now the urge to not save it all for a rainy day because that day may never come versus living for today. It's a very fine balance; I haven't mastered it. We wanted to make her new husband a part of our family; we really did want to - after some initial adjusting time. Our family is really small; my brother is the last male that can carry on the family name. I never mind an addition to our family. He just hates us - ok, so he hates me more than anyone else. I don't know why; I've turned it over and over in my brain and I still don't have a very good answer.

My grandmother hated me too. She liked women who were quiet or people even that were quiet and that didn't question things that she said. I physically cannot keep my mouth shut if someone is saying something that I strongly disagree with or that I know is wrong. I just can't :P She didn't like silly people either. Especially people that laughed/giggled during activities like craft activities that I suppose she thought one was supposed to be serious during - I'm just not like that - I get it done and well but I have fun doing anything that I can. I remember one time when I was a kid she asked me and one of my friends to help her hang "plastic easter eggs" from her large tree in her front yard. You close a piece of yarn in one of the eggs and then close the end of the long piece of yarn in another easter egg, so that you can throw them over the branches and then they hang down. I had a ball - I was laughing and my friend was laughing and we were being silly - and my grandmother actually got mad and told us that "this was serious work." Maybe my grandmother lived in a household where silliness was never an option; her father left her mother when she was very young.

My best friend/roommate is really being nasty to me lately. I don't understand this either. He has become such a liar. I have a really hard time dealing with dishonest people. He just lies about everything. I got up yesterday morning and the hot water wasn't working; he told me that he went outside and talked to a "gas" person who indicated that they were working on the lines and that the gas would be back on later that night or the next day at the latest. I asked him to call again that night, and he told me that it would be back on by morning. Well, today at 3:00 p.m., I told him that I saw a door hanger on our front door. He told me that it was just a warning telling us that the gas would be off. I asked him why no one else had them on their doors, and he told me that they probably already took them inside. To end this excruciatingly long story, it was actually a shut-off notice that he could have just told me about *yesterday* (pre cold shower and a night of no heat) - and I could have just went and paid it. He's responsible for the gas bill, so I guess he thought he would just lie about it so I wouldn't get mad. This is so ridiculously dumb. Why lie about something so dumb? It was obviously going to be figured out eventually. I had to pay an extra $100 to get it turned back on today. What a mess.

I also don't understand why he is so nice to his other "friends" and the most disrespectful to me. His "friends" are great to pal around with when he is drinking or when he is just randomly calling people to talk about nothing with; however, when he really needs helps - not *one* of them is there. Just me. Yet, I'm the one that he treats the worst - takes for granted. He fell asleep in my room tonight and refused to wake up and get up. I drug my laptop and a cover into my artroom and am sleeping in here. This is obviously a situation I have to end. I just don't want to lose my best friend. Everything goes wrong at the same time.

I worry too much lately that my life is just slipping by, and I can't stop it. It's just running through my fingers. I need to figure out how to slow it down and get back in control of some of it - or at least feel like I've gained some control of it. I worry too much also that I'm changing into someone that I don't like. I'm not the same person as I was last year. My stomach is getting better, but slowly, and I feel like I've lost so much time. There are so many things that I still want to do, and I feel like everyone is ahead of me sometimes. I've always been pessimistic but lately I've been thinking many more bitter comments than usual. I hope this will pass; I don't want to be this person. I want to be who I really am - the one that sings in the car to cds at the top of her lungs and makes perverted comments at the precise moment that the waiter/waitress steps up behind her. I miss me sometimes. I hope she's still in there somewhere when all of this passes.

"I love the way you smack my ass...I love the dirty things you do."

I suck at hearts. No matter how many times I try to play that game, I still suck. I don’t understand how I can be such a good spades player and suck so badly at a similar game. It drives me crazy :P I like to win games. I like to win period. It’s very odd having a stomach problem with a holiday coming up that is wholly based on food. Thankfully, it’s my birthday on Thanksgiving too this year – so I get two holidays in one :D (Doing the "it's my birthday dance..." hehe) Of course, my birthday is much preferred, because I get presents. Oh, come on, you know you like presents just as much as I do. And, I get SPANKINGS – yes, you read correctly, I’m taking applications for 34 (+ one to grow on) SPANKINGS. First come, first served (hehe).

It’s very hard to make my mother mad and react, but I finally did it this week. I’ve been so quiet over these months that her husband won’t let her help me financially and finally she just really pissed me off with the whole not going to be here for Christmas for the first time in 34 years thing. So, we’ve gotten into it over the phone, via e-mail, in person – just around and around. I ordered her every Christmas-based catalog that I could find on the Internet to be sent to her house. I ordered her a bunch of religious pamphlets, even a DVD, on the spirit and meaning of Christmas (hehe). (Yes, I realize how petty I am – it doesn’t happen often – but, when it does, I indulge – leave me alone :P ) I told her that I was going to send her husband’s family a Christmas card thanking them for not inviting us to Christmas. I think that was the point when I finally got a reaction out of her – it wasn’t for a lack of trying :P I feel like my brother when I pick on someone (laugh). She claims that her husband invited himself to his son’s house on Christmas. Still, if you’re not a complete idiot, you’re going to realize the rest of her small family is going to be stuck here alone. The whole thing just irritates me to no end. On a brighter side of things, she paid my delinquent car payments. The plan is that I sell my car to pay for my house, until I can first find out if I need my gallbladder out and then heal and get back to full time employment. Full-time employment doesn’t even sound bad compared to how bad I feel all of the time. I’ve been keeping a symptom and “foods consumed” diary, so I can show my gastroenterologist and mother how much stomach pain plus everything associated with it takes up the majority of most of my days.

I’m making a Christmas list – everyone in my family typically makes one – but I make one to Santa to amuse myself (yes, once again, I realize that I am a child – leave me alone…hehe). I just don’t think holidays, birthday parties, silly indulgences should end just because you get older. I don’t know who made that rule, but I think it’s just stupid. Adults enjoy a lot of the same things kids do – we, most of us anyway, just don’t pee in our beds anymore :P

The securities job is really worrying me. I’m not sure what to do. I’m not worried at all about the tests. I would have to take the Arkansas Life and Health Insurance classes and exam and the series 7 examination. The series 7 is the harder of the two – it’s a six-hour exam – but the BAR was a 2 day exam – I think I’ll live :P The part that concerns me still is the “who you know” part. I just don’t think I know that many people that I could make appointments for financial packages, life insurance, etc with – I think this would be the impediment to any success that I could find in this job, and I’m not really certain if I can overcome it.

What the hell is wrong with people meeting 14 and 16-year old girls on the Internet? I’ve now heard about multiple people that have been caught trying to do this that I know. This worries me on so many levels. One, I’m obviously associating with the wrong type of people. Two, these are *children.* It doesn’t matter if she “sounds” 40, sounds mature, promises you sex – she is STILL a child. This has been all over the news/press, and I don’t even WATCH the news, and I know about it. How can these people not suspect something? This just baffles me. I remember in high school there was this guy with a FULL BEARD (laugh) I used to just look at him in awe. So, I know how differently people can look from their ages – I just always remember the beard guy. (hehe) If I meet someone that has just told me his age and he’s 22-26, I even ask to see an I.D. :P I may do it in a playful way, but still – people LIE, people don’t always look their ages, if someone tells you that she’s 14-16, she’s a CHILD in comparison to YOU if you are in your 20's, 30's, 40's, and so on.

"This is the noise that keeps me awake...my head explodes and my body aches."

It was really strange. I woke up Wednesday morning and just had this urge to smile - this feeling that something good was going to happen. This hardly ever occurs - especially lately, since things have been such a mess because of all the stomach problems and financial problems (and, yeah...stopping this whole line of thought here...) Anyway, obviously, my psychic powers suck (the best word that fits), because my mother informed me that she "might" not be here for Christmas this year. Well, if you know my mother, you know that this means that she will not be here for Christmas this year. My mom doesn't do well at confrontation, and you would think if it was something she was firmly for, she would have just told me two weeks ago, like she did with my brother. I may be in my 30's, but we have never had one Christmas where our family was not together for the holiday. My brother, mom, and I, and then either her current husband or my father *always* have Christmas together. Christmas is my absolutely most favorite time of the year. Not just because I love presents (which you all know that I do), I love to give presents more. I love to give someone the perfect gift and watch someone's facial expression when he/she opens my gift. I love the lights, the trees, the overly warm houses, the cold weather, waking up with chilly feet, waking up with cats all over me b/c they are cold, singing Christmas songs (replacing all of my hip-hop music with cheesy Christmas carols in my car dvd player), the board games my family plays, wrapping presents, tieing bows, making cookies, and a million more things. It's just a time, where a feeling of calm settles and nothing else matters, because you have your family and everyone is happy and together. I can drive over to my mom's house in my pink, fuzzy bunny slippers and nightgown and not worry about make-up or even brushing my hair. We do stockings for everyone in the family. I start in November gathering fun things for stockings. Well, her husband has finally decided that they are going out of town for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Let it be known that most of the other holidays are no longer sacred since she remarried - she has been out of town, at one time or another, for all of them except for Christmas, including Thanksgiving Day and my birthday. She has never left the rest of her family here on Christmas - just never. I lost it when she told me. I started crying, screaming, and just threw the phone. (Yeah, I throw things when I'm mad...bite me). Just with all the other bad things going on - being in stomach pain all of the time and just missing so much of life lately - I don't feel like I have many things to look forward to lately and she has taken away a significantly joyful occasion. She said that her "poor" husband has been asking to go see his grandchildren for Christmas for 7 years (give me a break - he visits them and they visit him and they would be invited to our Christmas ANY year - my brother and I would never exclude any additional family). He has finally won and is taking my mother away at the most important time of the year. I just feel like I can't breathe just thinking about it. I'm going to be stuck here all alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My brother and his wife like to open their presents to one another alone - and spend either Christmas Eve or Christmas afternoon with her family. I will be left essentially alone. You go from having family all around to nothing. She also wants me to make my best friend/ex/roommate leave, before she will help me move on with selling my house, etc. I took her painting, the portrait, that she did of me to her art studio in the middle of the night with a long letter. I don't even want to look at it ever again. It just sits in my room staring at me, mocking me - my whole room was designed around it. It's a person that I no longer am - and she obviously doesn't see me in the same light anymore - just b/c I'm sick - b/c I'm sick and having trouble staying "up" enough to find another job. My mom used to the be the person that I would wake up in the middle night from having nightmares about what I would do if something happened to her. Now, it feels like I don't even know her anymore. I don't agree with everything she does - but I would NEVER let it effect whether I would help her. I would help her with anything without her even asking. I always would. My letter essentially explained what I appear to be rehashing in my brain for the 2nd time at least and that she obviously just wants me to be stuck in my bedroom alone with a tree and my pets for Christmas with no one else around. I told her that I hope when she's drinking a rum/coke on Christmas Eve and sitting there in front of a fire with his family that she feels happy with what she's chosen to do.

My biggest problem is not that they want to choose another locale for Christmas. My problem is with the fact that NO ONE ELSE WAS INVITED. Most people I have talked to - if their family travels to another location for Christmas, they just take the whole family with them. If his intentions are so pure, why the hell weren't we all invited? Why weren't we invited? This is the deciding question in my mind as to what he is trying to accomplish. I don't have any other relatives here except for my brother. My brother and mom are my only blood relatives here - the rest of my secondary family lives in Ohio and we hardly ever see them.

I just wish something good would happen. I really need something good to happen. I've been reading a book that my mom gave me (a book with a paragraph written about how even though she has more money than she'll ever spend that she's not going to "bail me out" this time even when my house is foreclosed on and my car is repossessed) - and, while I agree with some of it, such as the power of your mind to alter your health and your station in life. I do not agree with all of it. I am at a chapter where he essentially blames poor people for being poor due to ignorance or wrong thinking - that lack of opportunity does not ever factor into your wealth. I don't think lack of opportunity wholly causes you to be poor, but I believe sometimes it does influence your station in life and change what is available to you. You can overcome having NOTHING growing up. You can much more easily succeed if you had EVERYTHING growing up. I sincerely believe that much of who you are in the business world is "who you know" - and I know no one and I am nothing. I do believe that having a positive mindset can make you better health-wise and can help you with your career - but I don't believe in hardly any *absolutes* - no statement is hardly ever true 100% of the time. Not everyone that had a positive attitude has been unsuccessful or has overcome sickness. It doesn't ALWAYS work. It's not always a sick person's or poor person's fault entirely that he/she is sick or poor. If these are the types of books that she is reading with keeping a grain of perspective as to the time period (1800's) this book was written in and type of person (rich, white, healthy, famous male) that is writing these words - then no wonder her thinking is askew and she has lost the compassion that she used to have.

I told her that I would not be attending Thanksgiving nor my birthday which happens to be on Thanksgiving also this year. Yes, I'm stubborn and a child - but this is what I need to do to get past this upset.

"...Don't you wish you were dead like me?"

My mom did the above picture as a portrait of me for Christmas two years ago. It made me cry to learn how she sees me. I don't even see myself like that. Art is amazing - it can speak volumes and make a more intense statement sometimes than even words can acheive.

I read something the other day about how you love the ones more that you never really get to know - never really interact with - those will be the loves that you don't ever forget. This keeps popping into my brain. Once you get into a relationship with someone, things change. Words are said that can't be forgotten. Lies are sometimes told. Actions are taken that are hard to forgive. Things just happen. Your love changes. It may deepen, because you grow closer to the person. But, it never stays the same as that feeling that you had in the beginning - where you just can't shake that person from your head no matter how hard you try. I guess another reason that the unrequited love lasts forever is just the fact that it is unrequited. You never get to test it - see where it will go - see if it was felt in return and know to the degree that it was felt. It just lingers in your mind forever and creeps back into your thoughts when you least expect it.

I've been lied to or have had people try to deceive me a lot lately. Some of them coming from 2 people that I care about and some coming from 1 person that I don't really care so much about. I get tired of people lying. I get tired of watching for signals and remembering what someone says so I can compare it to what he says later. It's exhausting. It's hard to detect liars from the beginning. Who is going to admit that he/she is a liar? If he/she is a liar, he/she is just going to lie about the fact.

I was going to have fun and have my hair done differently and have the underneath colored a deep brunette and then the outer layer colored a medium red - but I had a job interview, so I had to go with conversative. I just got a mixture of blonde and red highlights around my face and left the remainder the deep brunette color. I'm letting it grow out again - it either has to be shorter than I have the courage to cut it for me to like it or long - I don't like the medium length.

I've gotten a couple of good pefumes out of the oils and other ingredients and accessories that I purchased. It's really interesting actually learning about the different notes - and how to test the oils together before you make the perfume to make sure you like the combination and which oil is dominant. You just cut paper strips and dip them into the oils you want to mix and hold them together and smell to see if you like. You hold the oil that you want for the most dominant note higher than the others and the middle note next a little further down and so on - it's really interesting actually. My favorite is a mixture of lime, white chocolate, sandalwood, and frosted snowdrops. Who knew it was so easy to make your perfume/perfume oils for your own use? My brother really liked another that I made for him which is a mixture of cinnamon, a drop of cherry, dragon's blood, and clove. I'm such a make-up and pefume junkie :P They need a cosmetics anonymous group (grin) I'm not even admitting how many boxes of make-up that I have. No, not even if you try to arouse it out of me (hehe).

I had an interview for a securities job where I would put together financial packages for customers and sell annuities, life insurance, etc. I'm not sure if I could do this - I don't have any sales experience. It's only the selling part that I'm concerned about. The talking to the clients and figuring out what they need and then matching financial options to their needs wouldn't really be a problem once I was trained - I don't believe. My mother always jokes around and tells me that I can sell anyone anything - b/c I can always talk her , other family members, and friends into anything. Yeah yeah - I know this is totally different - they know me and trust me. People who meet me seem to trust me though - I'm just not sure how approachable I am and this is the part that gives me pause. I've never gotten to use the "non-professional," playful, giggly part of myself to do professional things. It would definitely be interesting, but I wouldn't get to do any truly "legal" work - which I would miss terribly. Life has to get easier some day. Or, maybe since my life was "easier" earlier in my life - that was the easy part of my life.

I have another gallbladder test at 7:20 a.m. on Tuesday. If my gallbladder has worsened, then I might finally have an answer to all of my stomach problems. The test is awful. It's a HIDA scan, and you have to lay still for 2 hours while they scan your gallbladder to watch how it empties and contracts - the bad part comes when they inject the medicine to force your gallbladder to do its thing. That made my stomach cramp so badly last time. The only thing they had for me to watch were Andy Griffith dvds. I hate Andy Griffith :P Eh, putting myself out of this misery and ending this now - I think I'm boring myself.

"Her kisses left something to be desired...the rest of her."

I was going to keep one of my blogs purely private and just type about sexual things - but, god, I can't even keep up with one blog - let alone two. So, I'm importing the entries to this one :P

I'm more a "dirty" sex type girl, but it all really comes down to the kiss for me. If the intriguing...stomach dancing kiss isn't there - that's really as far as it's going with me. I think a kiss speaks volume about a person - both sexually and personality-wise. You can tell if someone is greedy sexually, if someone is always going to be taking control, if someone isn't comfortable with you taking control - a kiss speaks volumes if you pay attention. What makes a good kisser is totally subjective - I like:

(1) Someone that knows how much and when to use his/her tongue. Having someone's tongue in your mouth the entire time or too soon, just isn't erotic. I like to build up to that part, so that when it does happen - it's a surprise and that much more appealing. I like having someone pull my tongue into his/her mouth also - I like the whole "dance" with tongues. Things that fall into your lap (hehe) are never as appreciated as the things that you have to work for - sexually and non-sexually.

(2) Someone sucking on my bottom lip intermittently and me doing the same.

(3) Variety - I like to be the aggressor sometimes, controlling the kiss - other times, I like someone pushing toward me...taking over...sometimes I like soft and gentle kisses and other times I like fast "can't get enough" of someone's mouth kisses. I think it's all in paying attention to how the other person reacts. As things escalate, obviously, it's fun to experiment and turn up the heat to see what happens

(4) Hand involvement - hands in my hair - maybe gently pulling or just holding onto it, hands other places, hands on my neck, fingers sliding below an earlobe - hands and fingers are crucial to me even in the kiss.

(5) Taking time to stop and breathe and/or kissing other areas - I'm a sucker (no pun intended ) for someone that kisses or just breathes against the side of my neck or my earlobes. I love to feel someone's lips slide down my neck or up my neck before reaching my mouth again. I like just leaning my mouth near someone elses and talking softly or just breathing for a moment to see who gives in and starts the next kiss first.

The worst kissers ever:

(1) The guy that just stuck his tongue in and out and kept missing my mouth - I mean, come on, if you can't find someone's mouth, it's ok to open your eyes And, someone can't kiss you if you're keeping your tongue out the whole time.

(2) The guy without an upper lip that pushed too hard against my face. This guy had a really large bottom lip and very tiny upper lip and didn't realize that if he pushed so hard against my face that basically my mouth would almost end up in his mouth - this just wasn't fun. As a side note, I don't think you need "stereotypically" perfect lips to kiss well - just know how to use what you have

(3) The guy that had an urge to eat chili/onions, before he wanted to kiss me. This is first grade stuff - I'm not even going to type about this one - I don't want to relive it.

The best kissers:

(1) The 4th person I ever kissed was amazing. He could kiss for hours and just knew what he was doing. All of the variety was there - it never got boring. You could tell that he enjoyed kissing for kissing's sake - not just as a necessary prelude to sex.

(2) The most emotionally unstable guy that I couldn't figure out at all, was another amazing kisser. If only I had gotten to experience it more often ;) Ironically enough, this was basically all that ever happened even though we went out a few times. He had a lot of hang-ups - I'm not sure if the sex would have been good - so, when I think back, maybe this was a good thing that it didn't go further. We were evenly equipped mentally and it was a constant "back and forth" (hehe) verbally - like a battle - so when the kissing would start, it would continue this same way - alternating control - seeing who could "win." This rocked.

(3) The charming guy - this is the person you call when you want to feel good about yourself and when you want to kiss and just look at his face and smile. It's like going back to the familiar and you're comfortable with that. Excellent kisser - just slow and easy and faster when things would escalate. Humor and give and take. I'm not sure I believe everything that he ever said or says to me, because I'm sure how much of it is said just because he thinks that is what I want to hear - but, when I just don't worry about believing it and just take things for what they are - things are definitely good

(4) The girl Yeah, that one girl out of a few...she had the softest mouth and smelled amazing and had long, soft hair - she was the aggressive one because I was nervous - she had an evil grin and a slightly wicked expression in her eyes - she knew how sexy she was and I had to agree

I know I know...too much about kissing...but, really - I couldn't start with anal sex. Maybe I'll work my way down Things involving kissing still on my list of things to do:

(1) I'd love to kiss a guy and girl at the same time - just simultaneously moving our mouths over one another's and changing "partners" so to speak during the kisses.

(2) More kissing outside - I like public or near public displays of affection - they make me nervous and not so many things do anymore - I like being caught off-guard. I like excitement I like knowing that someone is attracted to me and not ashamed to show it to the world. I dated one man in the past that just pushed me up against my car (in the evening) in a parking lot and just went for it. That totally rocked too.

(3) Kissing a "stranger" or "near stranger." I'd love to be a club or in public and if some type of silent or near-silent interaction (such as dancing) led to a kiss...that would be most interesting. I've never kissed anyone that I didn't really know personality-wise. It wouldn't be something that I'd want to do all the time - but at least once (maybe twice...hehe)

On a side note, if you're having sex with someone - even just as a "sex-buddy" (oh, please, you know that you do this...), don't just stop kissing someone you kissed in the beginning. That's going to end it very quickly - no one likes being treated like a whore (excluding role play) even if you think of her as one for whatever interest it serves. Obviously, this doesn't apply to anyone you pay for sex (laugh).

On yet another side note, tongue-rings are awesome - I've always heard the tired "better for oral" sex thing - but, oh my god, they are so erotic during kissing. Who knew? To kiss someone and feel something in his/her mouth that isn't "supposed" to be there or that you didn't yet know was there is quite interesting.

"Sugar, I love the way your body talks..."

I'm probably going to have to sell my car in order to keep my house maintained and the mortgage paid until I go back to full-time work after I just find a way to conveniently lose my stomach. It's a 1998 with 96,000 miles. Don't waste my time - I know what it's worth; I know how many were made. It's an automatic with a removable top. If you have a serious offer, lay it on me :)

IF YOU MESSAGE ME OR SEND ME AN OFFLINE JUST TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW NICELY THAT MY LIPS WOULD FIT AROUND VARIOUS PARTS OF YOUR BODY, AND YOU DON'T EVEN TELL ME THIS IN A SEXY WAY - JUST DON'T WASTE THE FINGER ENERGY. I, however, can use my finger energy any way that I want (hehe). For the love of God, start with some type of INTERESTING OPENING. How hard is this?

My mom's husband made a really bad choice and gave her carte blanche via a phone conversation when we were out today to choose his Halloween costume. He's 10 years older than her and is almost 60. She got him a pimp suit (laugh) The suit is purple leopard with a leopard-patterned hat with a lime green feather sticking out of it. She got him a ring that reads "pimp" across the knuckles. He's a little more "adult" than her (and especially me) - so I bet he just died when he saw it. Of course, she's excited (b/c she's more like me that she wants to admit) because she gets to dress all slutty to be his "lady of the night." She got a short, pleated jean skirt, red gel to spike her hair straight up, super-high red stripper shoes with little patent bows on them, huge pink dangly heart earrings, a choker, and some bangles. Add some garish make-up and a corset - and bingo, you have a hooker (stereotypical, of course...I don't want to offend any hookers :o ) I get to do her make-up and let her borrow make-up - I'm not sure if I like what that says about me (laugh) I have brighter colors though; she usually wears neutrals. She teaches an art class and dresses up for Halloween that day, and, thankfully, is going to mute it down to a goth chick. I get to do her make-up for that too Love, love, love to put make-up on people. People underestimate the power of make-up - it can totally alter your face and give you confidence or make you feel like a different person for a night. I'm such an addict :P

I've decided to be a Graveyard fairy. What is a graveyard fairy, you ask? Why, I'll tell you, of course (hehe). I so love my blog - it can't talk back ;) It's a pink fairy costume with netted black wings, black corset tie-up in the front, faux leather ruching over the hips, and then netted pink material as the skirt. I bought pink eyelashes today, light pink haircolor (I'm just going to color the very ends of my hair), and tried to find some black fishnets. Of course, plus-size fishnets are impossible to find around here. I embarrassed myself in Dillards.

My mouth:

"Where are the plus-size black hose?" (pause, I'd like to say thoughtful pause, but no...)

"H-o-s-e, not h-o-e-s"

Yeah, I really said that (laugh) It just sounded so perverted after the question came out of my mouth. She laughed - so hopefully I didn't offend her - my mother gave me bad looks for awhile (grin). She did or said things to embarrass me throughout childhood - I think it's only fair that I get to do the same now :) We were in Home Depot the other day, and we were about to ask this salesman for help and a woman customer, an older woman, came up and just reached into the pouch around his waist (and, over his crotch for that matter) and grabbed his tape measure and said she needed it - proceeding to walk off with it with promises to return it.

My mouth:

"You should be glad that she was only looking for a tape measure."

Yeah, he followed us around trying to "pretend" to find something they didn't have in the store, while my mother shot me bad looks - I probably deserved it a little - but I just can't help it :) I don't think he got out an intelligible sentence the whole 7 minutes we were around him - I have to learn how to control my mouth around strangers I have some type of problem - over the years, I'm just losing the worry about what people think about me - I'm me - if you get offended, I certainly didn't do it on purpose - it was just something that I couldn't keep from going down that slide from my brain to my mouth.

I'm in a weird mood today. I painted all of my nails a baby pink instead of the usual black, navy blue, turquoise, or sparkly blue. I got a Halloween bag of lollipops (hey, these don't make me sick - I can add these to the list...woohoo :P) and wore ponytails today. Maybe it's the pink lacy panties that I was sporting today that put me in a hyper girlie mood (grin). Damn those evil panties

I've got all the equipment (hehe) to make my solid perfumes now to see what happens. I just was so tired tonight that I didn't feel inspired. I finally got my Black Phoenix perfumes from the website - my favorites actually ended up being "Hellcat" and "Voodoo." What scents are those, you ask? Why, I'll tell you, of course...(hehe)

Hellcat: A soft, sensual, luxuriant, blend with a wicked bite: hazelnut, buttercream, honey mead, rum and sweet almond.

Voodoo: A midnight scent, evoking images of flicking golden firelight reflecting off the sheen of glistening skin and the jerking shadows of bodies suffused with spirtual ecstasy. A deep, powerful, resonant blend of myrrh, patchouli, vetiver, lime, vanilla, pine, almond and clove. .

I'm a true believer in the theory that everything you do matters. I think every little thing you do or don't do sets off some other sequence in motion, and so on. Something I do today could affect someone across the world in a month. I wish people would take more responsiblity for the things that they do and the decisions that they make.

I thought I was being funny and gave a friend a mini-test of questions about me - like what-ifs in certain situations. He got me back by asking 10 harder questions. I'm totally avoiding them, just in case you're reading this - your questions are *so* much more difficult than mine :P I tried to choose things we had talked about - you didn't :P (laugh) I've decided that you're the devil

Why would someone that you used to be intimate with and talk to, who quit contacting you, contact you MONTHS LATER and tell you that now, he's decided that he wants to be in your life in some way? I had already let him into my life - he was the one that chose not to be in it. This just baffles me and lends even more credence to my theory that most people are just selfish and nuts in general. I refuse to spend more than 30% of this blog complaing - so I'll just quit now (hehe).

"Play it smart girl, win the game love..."

Note to self now that I can change my belly button ring:

(1) Don't use body pouf in shower or bath around stomach area. Yeah, that netted little pouf caught right on my belly ring and almost pulled it out.

(2) Don't try to change belly ring in the bathtub - searching around for a tiny ball that was dropped by slippery fingers is not my idea of a good time (hehe).

(3) Make sure the towel you use to dry off with doesn't have any frayed edges or loose strings. Oh yeah, that string caught hold and pulled at it harder than the body pouf did.

I swear I felt pressured to post a new blog, because I'm tired of people messaging telling me that they think that I'm pretty because they think the picture of Sara from America's Next Top Model is me. This annoys me on so many levels. Particularly, because it's obviously just a picture posted on a blog if you look further. No one is interested and/or bright enough to read one blog to figure out that the picture is just of a haircut that I like. Most people are just looking at a profile long enough to see your picture before that person messages you. And, yes, I'm not naive - but it's annoying to have *so* many people do this to me. On a side note, I just had 4-5 inches taken off my hair. It's already longer than shoulder length again. It's interesting - I haven't had a cut that I have to actually work with again, and it's long enough still to wear it up or put it in ponytails when I don't feel like fixing it. So, I'm happy for now.

I've been stomach sick for over four months. They think it's some type of gallbladder problem, but can only promise me a 30% chance of improvement if I have surgery. I'm in the process of getting a second opinion. This is my 6th day of feeling human again, so we'll see where it goes.

I don't understand why some doctors just can't admit when they don't know what is wrong with someone. I've noticed if some doctors get to the end of their knowledge base or to the end of the tests that they know to do, that they decide whatever is wrong with you is functional and is anxiety related. This is just crazy in some cases. Personally, I don't want to go to the doctor over and over, have invasive tests over and over, not be able to do things that I love to do, and spend a fortune on a million types of medicine in some type of prescription trial and error. My ENT is awesome - even though I don't have to see him anymore, because my tonsils have been taken out - he's one of those people that researches and really thinks about his patients - it's a puzzle to him. That's how law and almost everything that I can't figure out is to me. My gastroenterologist is the opposite. He kept forgetting which tests that I had already had performed, neglected to tell me that he was going on vacation for 12 days and not give me a doctor to see in the interim, and just has no drive whatsoever to find out what is wrong. I had already left my first gastro doctor, because he wouldn't listen to his patients when they would try to talk to him. How can you figure out what is wrong if you don't listen to your patients? It at least points you in a general direction or may give you a clue to figure out the puzzle. I watch that show on the health channel sometimes - "Mystery Diagnosis" - and that's happened to so many people. At least 35% of the people on the show telling his/her story end up figuring out what was wrong themselves - usually by researching the Internet.

I hate the show Elimidate. I don't know why I watch it sometimes when I can't sleep and am flipping through channels - it's like a bad accident or an operation televised on tv - I just have to watch it for a second. I just don't understand why the girls always attack one another or vice versa. It's so silly. I would never choose someone that has to attack someone to make herself/himself look more appealing. I'd choose the person that just acted like herself/himself. I can't see myself ever "fighting" for anyone regardless. If you have to fight that hard just to get someone to look at you in comparison to other people around - that person obviously isn't taken by you anyway.

Sara's picture isn't at the top now - my job is done.

"Hey pretty, don't you wanna take a ride with me? Through my world..."

I've decided that I'm too old for a puppy. I always tell everyone that I'm not going to be one of those "older" people that listens to music from 40 years ago and drives 25 m.p.h. on highway entrance ramps - because I don't want to get "old" in my mind - but, I've decided that I'm too old for a puppy (laugh). He's running around the room at 3:47 a.m. and chasing cats and picking up anything that he can find beneath my bed. He stole my skull necklace which must have fallen off my bed when I was umm...sleeping (yeah, that's it...grin) - I bought 3 necklaces on ebay to make up for the trauma and now I feel much better (hehe). I've got another sparkly skull necklace coming to make up for the one that he stole, a yellow and green dragon, and a pink sparkly spider.

By the way, that's Chester up above. The foster family that had took care of him until he was adopted named him Chester, because he always slept on their chests at night. He doesn't really do that anymore, but he follows me around everywhere and always sleeps next to me. He's my little ham with quite a wicked streak sometimes - he'll just be calm and all of a sudden get this look in his eyes and start turning over and over and then go after someone or some pet - anything he can do to start trouble ;) Maybe I like him so much, because he's so much like his owner (grin)

This weekend was full of ups and downs...(hehe - so I'm a perv...sue me). I got to dance, which I love, flirt with trouble, and hang out with a sexy man that always makes me smile. However, I drank, which was naughty naughty bad (grin)...it's really odd that I used to not be able to drink b/c it made me stomach sick but now anything I eat makes me stomach sick but I appear to be able to drink without too much discomfort. I think my body is inside out...or, is that outside in? Something like that...(grin)

The person...that person that always has driven me crazy not only is taken now...but also has a child...ouch. How can you see someone, and he doesn't mention that? He's obviously capable of something deeper and capable of affection - he just never wanted it with me. I wish sometimes that I could cut portions of my memory out.

I was thinking today that I don't know anyone that is very similar to me personality-wise. I don't know if this means that I'm nuts...or that I'm just not drawn to people that are similar to me. Most people don't understand me - I don't try to be this way this way on purpose; I just don't think that many people care anymore about getting to know someone deeply, intensely. It's more about just getting to know you physically. I'm very intrigued by certain people. If someone interests me, I like to get to know that person somewhat or it makes me insane. I don't need to know everything, because, then I'm going to get bored - but I have to be able to put some of the pieces together. I would like to talk to someone like myself - it would be fun to see if I drive people nuts when they talk to me which seems to be the consensus (grin).

Some of the women in my mom's art world want me to start some type of promotion for their art. It would probably have to be a website. I'm not sure if I can take this on or not - a little nervous. I know, ultimately, that I can do it - it's just a ton of time because I like something to be as perfect as I can get it. Is this marking the end of my legal career? I worry about that; I've always wanted to be an attorney. I'm good at what I can do - I can find a case or some type of argument to refute or support any contention. That's just what I do - researching is my forte. It comes in handy in other areas - but, I want to use it where I love to use it. I feel like this is marking some type of milestone in my life, and I'm not sure it's going in a direction that I want it to go. I know I have to take a detour for right now, because I have more off-days stomach-wise than on days - but it's making my mind twist, turn, and worry.

When I have to get out of my warm bed and get dressed at 8 a.m., it's going to hurt...

"I saw a fool just wasting time...not leaving anything real behind."

Weird day. I had to go to the ER Monday night. My roommate/best friend found me bawling from the pain, so he made me go. My blood pressure was 192/99, because of the pain - I don't think my blood pressure has ever been that high - no wonder I had a freaking headache too. I'm sick of going frankly. They always treat it differently. I received a Reglan and Pepcid injection and the infamous G.I. cocktail. I felt better actually; I fell asleep for 2 hours there. The Reglan is the evil medicine with the scary side effects that everyone wants me to take. I took one today; I don't really notice a difference yet. I felt pretty bad today.

On a lighter and happier note, I totally sold one of my mom's paintings off of her website for $1080 (we gave the women a discount since we wouldn't have to take out 40% gallery fees). Very excited - not only do I get a large cut of this amount, this was sold to someone overseas so now I can add to my mom's bio that she has sold paintings internationally in addition to nationally and locally. I never miss a plug to my mom's website - she's awesome: www.amyhillimler.com. We're trying to break into ebay to see what happens. I have one of her paintings listed right now, and we're going to try some collages at a low price for the holidays and see what happens. It looks like I'm becoming her business manager. At least my brain is being put to some use while my doctors don't lose any sleep for why my stomach hurts and my stomach acid is going crazy 24/7.

I have a new puppy. Like I needed a new pet (hehe...no, I don't mean it that way - I live in a freaking zoo without bars). My roommate rescued a puppy and brought him home - he's part chow. He appears to be fairly smart but wakes me up around 6:00 a.m. by pulling my hair with his teeth and biting my ears (the puppy not my roommate ). The little freak has SIX toes on each of his back paws. It's so gross - when he sleeps on his side he stretches out all of his toes and I just can't look at it...(laugh) He has been named "Six" accordingly

I've decided that I'm really sick of cowards. I can't stand people that can't or won't own up to things that they've done in the past. If you've done something cruel or indifferent and you want to come back around the person you've been cruel or indifferent to, just own up to it - say you're sorry - acknowledge it. You can't fix everything bad you've done in your life, but at least you can ADMIT to it or the fact that it happened. Cowards are the most patethic creatures in the world.

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy - I tried so hard not to - already hooked. The last show where the main character kept being described as "dark and twisty" inside made me think. I suppose I do have a "dark and twisty" side - that's not all that I am, but it's a side that people don't usually try to discover or pay attention to. I'm sure most people have some part of their personality or past that is like this - no idea.

I'm *so* addicted to a cult perfume oil company that I hadn't heard of until recently. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab has "dark" perfume oils that are a little wicked and have myths/stories to go along with almost every perfume. Some are shorter descriptions; some are lengthier legends. If you're a chickie, I'd really recommend these - they are perfume oils and just awesome. They actually do have unisex scents, such as scents that are more "smoke and fire" based. When you first put one on, it will smell one way and you can come back and smell your wrist (or, wherever you put it...hehe) later, and the scent has slightly altered itself because of your particular body chemistry. They last *forever* - I've put some on in the afternoon, and the next morning I could still smell it on me even after a bath. The Lab is madly popular, so orders are taking up to a month to ship out since each oil is made when ordered. I'm going crazy waiting (what the hell is patience anyway?). I've ordered some off of ebay, because I'm so impatient (grin) My favorite so far is 13 which is a mixure of basically mandarin and white chocolate. The description for this one is as follows (and, of course, is borrowed from the website, so I'll plug them too....this is starting to sound dirty....hehe. www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com )

Thirteen:

In our paean to all the mysteries surrounding this enigmatic number, there are thirteen lucky and unlucky components, including white chocolate, tangerine, currant, mandarin, white tea and iris.

13 is significant, whether you consider it lucky, unlucky or just plain odd. Many believe it to be unfortunate…

… because there were 13 present at the Last Supper.
… Loki crashed a party of 12 at Valhalla, which ended in Baldur’s death.
… Oinomaos killed 13 of Hippodamia’s suitors before Pelops finally, in his own shady way, defeated the jealous king.
… In ancient Rome, Hecate’s witches gathered in groups of 12, the Goddess herself being the 13th in the coven.

Concern over the number thirteen echoes back beyond the Christian era. Line 13 was omitted form the Code of Hammurabi.

The shivers over Friday the 13th also have some interesting origins:

… Christ was allegedly crucified on Friday the 13th.
… On Friday, October 13, 1307, King Philip IV of France ordered the arrests of Jaques de Molay, Grand Master of the Knights Templar, and sixty of his senior knights.
… In British custom, hangings were held on Fridays, and there were 13 steps on the gallows leading to the noose.

To combat the superstition, Robert Ingersoll and the Thirteen Club held thirteen-men dinners during the 19th Century. Successful? Hardly. The number still invokes trepidation to this day. A recent whimsical little serial killer study showed that the following murderers all have names that total thirteen letters:

Theodore Bundy
Jeffrey Dahmer
Albert De Salvo
John Wayne Gacy

And, with a little stretch of the imagination, you can also fit ‘Jack the Ripper’ and ‘Charles Manson’ into that equation.

More current-era paranoia: modern schoolchildren stop their memorization of the multiplication tables at 12. There were 13 Plutonium slugs in the atomic bomb that was dropped on Nagasaki. Apollo 13 wasn’t exactly the most successful space mission. All of these are things that modern triskaidekaphobes point to when justifying their fears.

For some, 13 is an extremely fortuitous and auspicious number…

… In Jewish tradition, God has 13 Attributes of Mercy. Also, there were 13 tribes of Israel, 13 principles of Jewish faith, and 13 is considered the age of maturity.
… The ancient Egyptians believed that there were 12 stages of spiritual achievement in this lifetime, and a 13th beyond death.
… The word for thirteen, in Chinese, sounds much like the word which means "must be alive".

Thirteen, whether you love it or loathe it, is a pretty cool number all around.

… In some theories of relativity, there are 13 dimensions.
… It is a prime number, lucky number, star number, Wilson Prime, and Fibonacci number.
… There are 13 Archimedean solids.

AND…
… There were 13 original colonies when the United States were founded.

Says a lot about the US, doesn’t it?

In our paean to all the mysteries surrounding this enigmatic number, there are thirteen lucky and unlucky components, including white chocolate, tangerine, currant, mandarin, white tea and iris.

I'm most excited about getting these 2 scents:

Gluttony (oh, leave me alone...laugh): Thick, sugared and bloated with sweetness. Dark chocolate, vanilla, buttercream, and hops with pralines, hazelnut, toffee and caramel.

Jailbait (I'm not...don't ask :P): Innocence defiled. Sticky pink bubblegum and the thick, sweet scent of orange and cherry lollipops smeared over a breath of heady womanly perfume.

I need to make the second one my theme song or something (hehe). That pretty much sums me up on most days

I'm going to try my hand at making my own perfume oils and solid perfumes. My mom purchased a book for me, and I've ordered the carrier oils and beeswax and some essential oils. We'll see what happens

The Black Phoenix oils have to be stored in a dark, cold place, and since I can't store them in the hearts of some people that I've known in the past, I'm painting an old, wooden, antique silverware box that my mom gave me to store them in. It's going to be an antiqued beige with a dragon painted on it, I believe. I may add a woman either holding a chained dragon or a woman riding a flying dragon. Stay tuned (grin).