Facebook is a weird creature. I've always liked interacting with people online, but Facebook has people from high school. I hated high school after tenth grade - the one person that always made me laugh no matter and who didn't judge me moved away. After that, it was a nightmare. People have added me that just didn't notice me. But, I keep "seeing" people that were outwardly rude or nasty to me. You don't ever lose that - you remember every word that was said to you in meanness. I still want to tell those people off after all of these years. The girl that said the most direct nastiest thing toward me during high school - it looks like her daughter is just as snotty as she was - and, this shouldn't please me, but it does in some juvenile way. When I was in eleventh grade, I walked into the bathroom one day while she and her friends were in there, and she said loudly enough so that I could hear her that "she hated me" and I was a "bitch" - which was really funny, because I didn't even know her at all. I'm sure when she disciplines her daughter for communicating nasty things to others that she doesn't even notice that she was *just like* that during high school.
I hate New Year resolutions - I refuse to make them. In my mind, I set my own personal goals throughout the year - I think that's acceptable. I keep putting off my pain doctor appointment. I have to stop taking the Lyrica - because of all the side effects (the weight gain/bloating, the lack of concentration and memory) - but it does helps immensely - both with my stomach and muscle pain. I'm so weary of trying new medications, and I feel like it's going to start all over again.
I wish people spent more time thinking and reflecting - analyzing how portions of their past affect their present and will affect their futures. Sometimes, I analyze too much - it's taken me a long time to learn how to turn that part of my brain off and just enjoy the moment. I like who I am now but not where I am - which thankfully is much easier to change. I went through a lot of stages to get to this point. I wish more people understood me. I don't think it's because I'm so complicated; I think it's because not that many people care to take the time - not just toward me - but for anyone - it all goes back to that whole "not taking the time to think about things" problem. People who just judge the surface find an impulsive flirt, someone who laughs and giggles a lot and makes silly jokes. If you go deeper, you find a loyal person - honest to a fault - someone who loves to flirt but who also saves all of the "good parts" for one person "at a time." Someone who can be a best friend, spontaneous, a good listener, a quiet companion, someone who stills wants to try all types of new things and who can make you laugh or smile in spite of yourself and is willing to make a fool of herself to cheer someone up - and someone that just needs a hug or a kind word at times. I have secrets, but not on purpose. I just have a difficult time finding the right people to tell them to. It cuts me to the core when the hardest things for me to talk about are used against me, and it seems to be a pattern in the past. I learned a long time ago to not say certain things during arguments. Some things can never be "erased" - you can apologize until the end of time - but that person will always remember what you said or what you did.
I've developed a fondness for stripey socks (hehe) I've never received more comments and compliments than when I wear my hot pink and black striped socks. I've lost one of my black and white striped socks which were my favorite (grumble...hehe) This man in Sam's Club yesterday actually told the person he was talking to on the phone to please hold just so that he could tell me that he loved my socks. I obviously know what not to wear on the days when I don't want to be noticed. I'm struggling with the whole clothing thing lately. On the one hand, I love wearing what I wear - fun socks, spider necklaces, low ponytails, bright eyeshadows, and shiny lip glosses, but people always think that I'm a lot younger than what I am. I worry that people won't take me seriously because of the way that I dress, but I would truly hate to lose how I feel like myself when I wear certain items. I don't want to dress "sedate" and classical. My mom teases me, because she says I dress eccentrically. I know how to dress "professionally" when I have to - my hair isn't pink - I don't have a million piercings - just certain clothing makes me happier than other clothing. Should you dress in what you love or what people expect you to wear at a certain age or in a certain profession even if you're not actively working in a professional setting at this precise moment? There are so many parts to me - I like to give attention to all of them :)
I've been fighting with trust lately also - when I meet new people, I know in my mind that each person should start off with a clean slate - but, how do I protect myself at the same time? The self-protection instinct always rises up inside of me - like a wall - so that I won't make myself vulnerable, fall for mistruths or deception like in the past - but, I don't want to ruin new interactions. I hate being fooled just because I put my faith or trust in the wrong people. I think I'm going to stay myself - where each "new" person that I interact with starts off as just that - a *new* person. I like that part of myself - that I have trust in people in general and that I think a majority of people are basically good. I don't think I can give up the excitement, happiness, and the act of smiling for no reason just to protect myself in case someone hurts me again in the future - which would probably happen no matter what I do regardless. I would think that most of the new people that interact with me are probably taking the same chances on me.
I hate New Year resolutions - I refuse to make them. In my mind, I set my own personal goals throughout the year - I think that's acceptable. I keep putting off my pain doctor appointment. I have to stop taking the Lyrica - because of all the side effects (the weight gain/bloating, the lack of concentration and memory) - but it does helps immensely - both with my stomach and muscle pain. I'm so weary of trying new medications, and I feel like it's going to start all over again.
I wish people spent more time thinking and reflecting - analyzing how portions of their past affect their present and will affect their futures. Sometimes, I analyze too much - it's taken me a long time to learn how to turn that part of my brain off and just enjoy the moment. I like who I am now but not where I am - which thankfully is much easier to change. I went through a lot of stages to get to this point. I wish more people understood me. I don't think it's because I'm so complicated; I think it's because not that many people care to take the time - not just toward me - but for anyone - it all goes back to that whole "not taking the time to think about things" problem. People who just judge the surface find an impulsive flirt, someone who laughs and giggles a lot and makes silly jokes. If you go deeper, you find a loyal person - honest to a fault - someone who loves to flirt but who also saves all of the "good parts" for one person "at a time." Someone who can be a best friend, spontaneous, a good listener, a quiet companion, someone who stills wants to try all types of new things and who can make you laugh or smile in spite of yourself and is willing to make a fool of herself to cheer someone up - and someone that just needs a hug or a kind word at times. I have secrets, but not on purpose. I just have a difficult time finding the right people to tell them to. It cuts me to the core when the hardest things for me to talk about are used against me, and it seems to be a pattern in the past. I learned a long time ago to not say certain things during arguments. Some things can never be "erased" - you can apologize until the end of time - but that person will always remember what you said or what you did.
I've developed a fondness for stripey socks (hehe) I've never received more comments and compliments than when I wear my hot pink and black striped socks. I've lost one of my black and white striped socks which were my favorite (grumble...hehe) This man in Sam's Club yesterday actually told the person he was talking to on the phone to please hold just so that he could tell me that he loved my socks. I obviously know what not to wear on the days when I don't want to be noticed. I'm struggling with the whole clothing thing lately. On the one hand, I love wearing what I wear - fun socks, spider necklaces, low ponytails, bright eyeshadows, and shiny lip glosses, but people always think that I'm a lot younger than what I am. I worry that people won't take me seriously because of the way that I dress, but I would truly hate to lose how I feel like myself when I wear certain items. I don't want to dress "sedate" and classical. My mom teases me, because she says I dress eccentrically. I know how to dress "professionally" when I have to - my hair isn't pink - I don't have a million piercings - just certain clothing makes me happier than other clothing. Should you dress in what you love or what people expect you to wear at a certain age or in a certain profession even if you're not actively working in a professional setting at this precise moment? There are so many parts to me - I like to give attention to all of them :)
I've been fighting with trust lately also - when I meet new people, I know in my mind that each person should start off with a clean slate - but, how do I protect myself at the same time? The self-protection instinct always rises up inside of me - like a wall - so that I won't make myself vulnerable, fall for mistruths or deception like in the past - but, I don't want to ruin new interactions. I hate being fooled just because I put my faith or trust in the wrong people. I think I'm going to stay myself - where each "new" person that I interact with starts off as just that - a *new* person. I like that part of myself - that I have trust in people in general and that I think a majority of people are basically good. I don't think I can give up the excitement, happiness, and the act of smiling for no reason just to protect myself in case someone hurts me again in the future - which would probably happen no matter what I do regardless. I would think that most of the new people that interact with me are probably taking the same chances on me.
