I fell in love with another new scent (grumbles):
Plastic Pink Flamingo: Vigilant day-glo guardians of lawn and patio, stalwart protectors of the home.
Pink sugar-crusted marshmallow, dandelion, and sap.
This goes pure sugary, gooey, melted marshmallow on me - like when you're trying to roast marshmallows and you accidentally get some stuck on your lips or your fingertips - that's the feeling, the smell - I wanted to lick my arm (thank god I didn't apply it somewhere else, huh? hehe)
What a day.
My roommate is being a heathen. I'm trying to push him, because he has to respond to everything challenging his former unemployment claim before July 2, 2009. I gave him an Affidavit form for his former co-worker; I've written so many letters that I've lost count. He just wants to let me handle it where he doesn't have to do anything. I hate when big corporations think they can squash other people by lying. His former manager filled a state form with just lies - fraudulent, punishable by jail time and/or a fine, lies. How can that not bother him? I wouldn't be able to take it. He asked me to help him initially, but now he isn't working to complete it in time. It's the principle to me at this point, and it's not even my "battle."
After a lot of thinking over the past few months since I left him, I now know that my ex only pretended to be what it was that he thought I needed in my life at the time that he slithered into it - someone to love me and want me for more than just sex. I just wasn't aware he was so deceitful at the time; I had no reason at that point not to trust him - other than just a general mistrust of human beings in general, which I've been trying to change about myself. Now that I know what type of person that he is, I realize that he's just going to put on a different face for each person that he's trying to pursue - the "knight in shining armor" for me (which is really ironic because he takes position one or two depending on my mood for "best sex ever") - the "Mormon" now for the 21 year old virgin Mormon - and there is no telling what other masks that he's worn in the past or will wear in the future. Who is he really? I wonder that sometimes. Does he even know who he is - at the very core of his being? This is the person that I wish I could get a chance to talk to for a few minutes - even if it's a rotten person - I wonder if anyone has ever met the "true him."
At least most of the men I've met in my past, after the 12 year relationship, were fairly up front about our "relationship" or "encounters" - I was their "fling" not their "friend" - the doors to other possibilities were closed before they even had a chance to get to know me. I try not to do that with people anymore. After I talked with a faraway friend recently that popped back into my life, I realized that I was closing the door on people that didn't immediately make my head spin or my toes curl - and maybe I was discounting or writing off a lot of people that would have been lifelong friends or more. Maybe the head-spinning and toe-curling would come later. Maybe the people that made physical things happen to my body just with a glance or a touch were the people in which all I would ever have in common with was the sexual attraction. I've tried to mend my ways, but I guess I can't force others to leave all the doors open. There is no better way to limit life and its possibilities than by deciding the slots the people fill before you even get to know them wholly. I don't want to do that - I want to leave everything open. I want to have a million possibilities - the more possibilities that exist - the more of a chance that something wonderful will happen or something that you didn't expect will happen - one life full of endless possibilities - that's what I'd like my life to be like - because, I'm tired of looking at closed doors even if they are doors that I never would have peeked inside anyway. I'd just like to have the option instead of having so many things decided essentially "for" me. It especially ungrounds me when someone pulls something out from under you that you weren't even thinking toward anyway - but then you can't stop wondering why that wouldn't be ok with someone like you. You start wondering what precisely is wrong with you where that scenario wouldn't be ok - when you weren't even trying to reach that plateau. I guess it's like when you're a little kid and someone tells you that you can't have something - and it never really mattered until you heard that couldn't have it - or until you heard the word "no" because then your little mind just wanted to touch whatever you weren't supposed to touch or do whatever you weren't supposed to do just because it was off limits. My grown up mind just wonders why I'm being told that I can't do something - or that something wouldn't ever be available to me - and what that says about me - even though I was never trying to reach the "top shelf" or "throw the stupid ball" in the house anyway.
Have you ever wanted to make a grand change and even though you "can" do it at some point - right now you realize that you don't have the tools, the constitution, or resources to make that change *right* now? You still want to get excited and start thinking toward that change - even though you haven't a clue what that change will be. I guess actions can follow a change in mindset. I certainly don't want to repeat some portions of my past. But, I'd like to take the best of my past with me into the future and then just make the rest up as it happens. My mind has been reeling and spinning all day long; I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. Ironically, another scent that has seemed to capture an interest:
Spinning Multicolored Metallic Pinwheel: Polycarbonate and metallic film monuments to domestic whimsy, whirling merrily in the summer breeze.
Raspberry, lime, blueberry, tangerine, lemon, juniper, and white grape.
Maybe the decants that arrived today for me to test are trying to tell me something.
