"I know the words...I know when to say them."

God, I've found yet another perfume oil company - these girls are so wicked! They just keep recommending and talking about things on the forums - I have to quit looking at websites...(hehe) Actually, a very sweet girl that I met on the Black Phoenix Perfume forum sent me a free tester of two scents from Heaven and Earth Essentials. My favorite one (and yes, I've already ordered a full bottle) is (you're going to laugh) Voodoo Punani - I knew I was going to like it because of the name (grin) - description follows:

Voodoo Punani (Love Oil)
Buttercream Frosting with Sandalwood and Saffron!

This scent is just *amazing* - no kidding. I can't quit smelling myself again (hehe). I also ordered a ton of samples - most eagerly awaited:

Pink
Bergamot, Sicilian Orange, Raspberry, Fig Leaves, Lily of the Valley, Licorice, Strawberry, Red Fruit, Cotton Candy, Barbe-a-Papa, Vanilla, Caramel, Musk, Wood and Powder.

Spirit
Toasted Sugar, Indi Sandalwood, Cardamom, Butter Cream and a shaving of Black Coconut.

I received 2 soaps that I ordered today and one is Villainess (I'm assuming one of their signature scents since it's the name of their site):

Characteristic Scent:Raw, smokey leather and sweet vanilla musk engulfed in a sheer haze of exotic florals - ylang, neroli, jasmine, lilac and tuberose.

My stupid roommate walked by the bathroom and told me that the soap smelled like crabs...to mess with me...now, he's totally ruining this soap for me (laugh). It's funny how suggestion can change a scent so much :P It does not smell like crabs...(laughing) It smells mostly like warm leather with a little bit of vanilla. If he's ruined this scent permanently, I'm going to kill him :P For the record, Villainess soaps are freaking awesome - even on men - I let the roommate borrow Pimp (a soap, you pervs...hehe), and I swear I wanted to ravage him on scent alone (grin).

I hate when you're interested in finding out about someone, but they just aren't interested in you. Why don't some people give you a chance? You know someone will really like you - but they just don't give you a fair shake. I guess you just don't appeal to that person enough or you're too "tough" to get to know. It seems like the people that I'm not super interested in always want to get to know me but people that I'm really interested in learning about won't take the time/effort to get to know me. I'm not hard to get to know; you just have to ask the right questions. I just don't sit around in normal conversations and offer 20 things you need to know about me. I like someone that takes an interest and asks things that he/she wants to know about you. Getting to know someone should come naturally (no pun intended...hehe) but it still shouldn't be so easy that you take it for granted and don't have to work a little for it. I like to work for things, people - hardly anyone ever appreciates things obtained easily.

I disappointed someone this week. I feel bad. A bunch of problems came up this week that went into my decision to tell him that he couldn't stay with me for the weekend - even though I was looking forward to it - but, I guess that deep down inside, one of the reasons is that I'm afraid. He hurt me in the past, because I don't let and/or many people just don't get *really* relationship-close to me - there are certain subjects that I won't talk about with anyone but I did with him. And, then he just disappeared for a long time and came back and wanted everything to be the same. It just can't be the same; I don't trust him anymore and can't again - so, I'll always hold a part of myself back now in my interactions with him. I'm trying to so hard not to repeat the mistakes and missteps of my past - damn, it's hard and annoying :P Most people I maintain casual friendships and/or flirtships with ;) I'm very picky about who I get close to.

I have to do a hearing at a City Council meeting next week. I'm super nervous already - trying not to think about it. I don't do well with public speaking - I talk too fast :P Usually, I can make a conscious effort and force myself to slow down - but, if I'm already nervous, I can't focus on what I'm doing and talk slowly. Ugh. If the hearing doesn't go the way I need it to go, then the last resort will be a lawsuit - so, I'm trying to put a lot of thought into it - not only for my client's sake - but also for mine so I don't have to go to Court later (hehe). Plus, it's just much more cost effective to get it resolved right now at this stage. (see, I have rational reasons...sticks out her tongue).

I cut my lip tonight...very disconcerting - what if I *need* my lips? (hehe)

"Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?"

I’m just super anxious tonight; I guess I have too many things spinning around in my head – so I just can’t focus on anything that I need to be doing. I have to file a response to a motion to dismiss filed against an action that I filed – and it’s just going to be hours of work. I’m having a hard time working on things that are politically generated – it just seems like it doesn’t matter what I do – that I just can’t win. I don’t even want to get started on it, because it just makes me angry. I need to find an area of law that I am more comfortable in – like writing contracts, leases – b/c the whole filing legal actions as a result of political issues – is just not working for me. Everyone knows everyone and all these people are against you. I got really upset when I first read through the Motion to dismiss – b/c I start getting concerned that I did something wrong – it’s just always your gut reaction. I was with my mom at the time, and she just started being totally irrational. She was like – I’m going to go ahead and take you home – why don’t I just take you home – I get upset about things all the time – I don’t understand why this one day she acted like she couldn’t be around me b/c I was upset? It made no sense. I always get upset for a second, talk about it for a few minutes, and then let it go to deal with it later. She also made a really strange comment to me that deeply hurt my feelings, and I can’t get it out of my mind. My mom started having anxiety issues when I was sick for a year and a half and her husband basically told her that she wasn’t “allowed” to help me even when I was practically home and bed confined (the person driving me to my family dr had to turn around twice and I missed 2 appointments b/c the nausea was so intense when I would sit in a moving car) – eventually, ok, you have gallbladder disease and it’s failing fast so let’s get it out of your body. And, now I have hardly any problems other than the stomach problems I had before my gallbladder started failing. We always go out and shop on Fridays – that’s our “hang out together” day – we just do errands and have lunch – never anything stressful. She made some type of comment that she had to take a Xanax before she went out with me that day – I just got really quiet – I don’t understand that at all. We never do anything stressful on Fridays – it’s always just a silly day with no schedule. We laugh, try on clothes, eat Chinese food – nothing stressful. I have thought about this all weekend, and I think she knows that she isn’t helping me with my house (repairing it – getting it ready to sell like she promised) and she can’t help me make payments b/c her husband won’t allow her to with her own money – so, I’ve decided that her problem with me is b/c if I’m with her – she has to think about how she isn’t helping me until I can get back on my feet. I don’t even ASK her for anything – ever – when we’re out together. She knows my house payments are so behind that they won’t take 1 or 2 payments even when I *finally* do get my first 3 paychecks – which, for the love of God, I should have already received. I’m just trying to let this go – I don’t think this has anything to do with something I directly did – I think it’s a result of her own indecision or decisions.

I thought about it the other day, and it really annoys me how “who you know” has become so important in this world in every aspect of our lives. So many people have easier lives because they know the *right* people. This has affected every part of my life. Essentially, some people are punished for “being shy” and not “making connections.” When a lot of the attorneys in the firm that I was in choose to resign like I did, they had jobs immediately – even one of the ones that wasn’t a very good attorney – they just had friends they knew to call, and bingo, automatic job – while I spent a year and a half looking for another full-time job – and then ended up with my gallbladder disease occurring right after that. In law school, all of the “popular” people would get together and share outlines that had been used for years and were sure winners to know what types of questions would be asked on certain exams. The “popular” people would get together and make outlines and share notes for days that people missed. If I missed a day of class, I just missed that day and didn’t have any notes for that day – I had a whole question based on a missed day of class one time on an exam. In the Black Phoenix forums, this issue was brought up because the “rare” perfumes that have been discontinued are very difficult to find and so many people just want to smell them. One girl was talking about how she contacted a girl who was swapping one of these rare perfumes but that the other girl swapped with a “friend” instead who asked secondly because she knew her – it even affects your hobbies. This happens to me all of the time on the forums too – people just ignore my “in search of” posts. The most sought after perfumes are the ones sold at “Convergence” which is a big trade type show that is always held in a city far away from Arkansas. People that know people have other people go over and purchase perfumes for the at the event, and then they bring them back and practically hold them for ransom for rare perfumes that were sold prior years at Convergence – it’s just a big “who you know” circle. You can *only* get these perfumes at this event, and these are the ones that people that don’t know anyone never really get a chance to try. It just frustrates me. A girl started a forum discussion, and I commented and agreed with her – letting her know that it feels just like high school all over again – and 2 girls are going to send me testers of 2 of the rare perfumes that have been on my “wishlist” for two years. I’m always super nice to new people to Black Phoenix – and I send them “testers” (which is a sample vial of perfume filled maybe ¼ of the way up – just to test) of the rare ones that I do have – like Snow White 2004 and Treat #2 (the one Convergence bottle that I do own but had to pay dearly for). It’s nice to have it come back to you – but the circle is still going to continue. You just can’t force yourself to be outgoing – and I don’t know if I want to be outgoing just to get things or know the right people. The whole cycle just sickens me anyway.

I did another perfume box, and it’s listed on ebay currently. My mom sculpted the mermaid, and I painted the mermaid and box and adorned the box. I had fun doing this one – I keep trying to practice sculpting – but I am really *bad* at it. I know my mom doesn’t have time to do them for me over and over again – which does suck b/c I’ve already sold one box and hopefully this one will sell – I have a million more ideas.

"I got a mind full of wicked designs...I've got a non-stop hole in my head imagination..."

I made a fairy box to put the small Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab perfume bottles in – my mom sculpted the fairy for me, and then I painted her and adorned her and painted the box – you never realize how many sides there are to a box until you have to paint each side – hehe. The top of the box is covered in Epoxy – so it’s really shiny. I already have a bid of $30.00 on it – hoping it will go up a little more. I’m going to do a three dimensional mermaid box next where her tail will look like it’s coming out of the box too – I’m excited J The ammo holders hold the "imps" which are the sample sizes. The bottles on the outside of the ammo containers, are the full-sized 5ml bottles of perfume oil. Yes, I'm an addict - leave me alone :P Sex and flirting as hobbies get me in more trouble - hehe.

Refrigerator is still dead. I’m holding a ceremony for it next week :P The large deep freeze that was in the garage was pulled out of the garage and cleaned out and plugged in – and, I don’t even have to tell you, that it won’t work for some reason. My roommates work at a restaurant, so they bring home food – which is really nice – but it’s restaurant food and it’s greasy and fatty and it makes me sick. I’m sick of eating pop-tarts :D

The gas was turned off – I was at work and my roommate called me too late – and they added $50 for the shut-off and a deposit of $150 since the bill was so late – thus, I can’t get it turned back on yet (it’s almost $700 now – good lord). I’ve only gotten one of my three checks coming – and, of course, I got the smallest one first :P The other two are enough to make a house payment and get my gas turned back on. How ironic is it that I have a closet full of bath products – creams, scrubs, bath bombs – years worth of bath yummies – and I can’t really appreciate any of them right now. I’m pretty much annoyed with everyone right now – my roommate that has lived with me for years and years – both as my boyfriend and as my ex – didn’t have a job for about a year when I was sick – so, it’s not wholly my fault that things have gotten this bad. There was nothing I could do last year. He’s acting like he’s worked for years now, and it’s only been about 8 days. It’s just pissing me off. I was horribly sick, and I still got a job before he did. I don’t know why I choose the wrong people to help or be nice to – I don’t know how to distinguish between the people that I should be nice to and the people that I shouldn’t. I obviously choose wrongly. I actually just try to help anyone that I can, but people never feel that same pull toward me. Hardly anyone ever wants to help me – it’s really odd. I must not seem deserving enough ;) I never ask for help, but when I do – toward the people I consider friends or even people that live with me, it just doesn’t get through. It doesn’t mean anything to them. It scares me that some people seem not to have a conscious. I don’t know how people that I have known for so long can be so uncaring. Alas, you can’t just go out and find someone to care about you and what happens to you overnight.

My court date on my ticket turned out how I expected. The “no insurance” citation was dropped, because I wasn’t even driving the car, only the owner or operator of a car with no insurance or no proof thereof, can be issued a citation. But, the other ticket, the expired tags fine stuck, because the statute reads that even if an owner isn’t driving the vehicle but “knowingly” allows someone to drive his/her car w/out current registration – it’s still a violation of the statute. It turned a $400 ticket into a $200 ticket, so it was worth sitting in court for SIX hours, I suppose. Someone really didn’t want to go to jail – he took off and what a ridiculously stupid place to run – all of 10+ police officers chased and tackled him with clubs drawn – hehe. What a dumbass :P The officer that gave me my tickets was present in court for no less than TEN disputed tickets. He kept going up over and over. He obviously had an attitude problem; a lot of them were thrown out. For example, he gave a man a ticket for “following too closely” – but the man explained that the person in front of him drastically slowed down w/out brake lights – just let off the gas on the expressway – that one was thrown out. When another case was being heard, this man disputed a ticket b/c he claimed that the same police officer that gave him a ticket for a busted headlight a week prior followed his “customized” (thus easily recognizable) car for a half and hour before pulling him over again for some other “violation” and said when he walked up to the car: “hey, you’re the guy fighting my ticket in court.” The person given the citations believed he was being profiled, and my officer, the one on my ticket, laughed *audibly* and snorted – in the courtroom by the Judge – that was the most unprofessional thing I’ve ever seen. This ticket was thrown out too.

Why is playing cards in a group suddenly just a male activity? I can’t play cards with ANYONE that plays cards in a group in my family, because apparently it’s a male thing. I *love* to play Spades – I get sick of playing online – would love to compete more in a group. I rule at Spades, damnit :P I was getting better at Texas Hold ‘Em too, but I got bored with it – b/c I don’t have anywhere/anyone to play with in person. Games are fun online, but they just aren’t the same – in terms of social quality (and being able to goad people when you’re winning…joking grin)

"Would you save my soul tonight?"

I've decided that all of my electronics and appliances have banded together and are staging some type of revolt. My mom replaced my tv; my refrigerator died 2 days ago. You don't realize how much you use a refrigerator until you don't have one (hehe). Needless to say, my roommate didn't really make it clear that it was going off/on and gave us both
"mild" (only mild in the sense that I made it sick for 2 days w/out having to go to the hospital...laugh) food poisoning - so I was "not able to move sick" for a few days. It's been big fun :D I swear I'm only eating food from not in this house until I get a new one or it's repaired :P

This week is going to be awful in the first half. I have to file a pleading in a case that isn't "typical," and the man that I work for is in the hospital, so I can't really bother him (nor would I consider it) - to ask a few questions. The questions I need answered are not things that I can just look up or I would have no problem :P I have to have it filed by Wednesday. (Yes, I'm procrastinating...leave me alone :P )

Wednesday also happens to be my court date at freaking 8:00 a.m. for my no proof of insurance/expired tags ticket that I was issued when I was sick. I wasn't *driving* the car; the statute clearly states that only the "operator" of the car can be issued the citation. Further, I found a case that clearly indicates that the purpose of the statute was to punish someone driving a car w/out insurance or current tags. The case went on to state that is it not illegal to just own a car with expired tags or without insurance. I hope the police officer just doesn't show up :P He just chose who he wanted to give the ticket to - that's just crap and it makes me mad which is why I asked for a court date and forewent probation. He gave me the ticket on Thanksgiving which just happened to be my birthday too - do I have bad luck or what? (hehe)

My order from Black Phoenix *finally* is being shipped this week. Everyone else that ordered around the same time that I did already received their orders, but they ran out of an ingredient for one of the perfumes that I ordered - so everything was held up. I'm waiting on these bottles (grin):

MONSTER BAIT: TOKYO STOMP
Beckons all giant creatures from gargantuan reptiles and humongous moths! These babies are sure to crush everything from dollhouses to shopping malls! Can even be used to summon colossal robots in a pinch! A sweet and crisp vanilla mint!

MONSTER BAIT: VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY
Menacing, maniacal, and slick with the one-liners … this guy does it all with a wink and a smile! Savage apricot, depraved dry woods, and psychopathic patchouli covered by a disarmingly sweet mishmosh of caramel, brown sugar, hazelnut, and butterscotch. Be warned: this oil will instigate possession in most puppets, including some marionettes and the occasional finger puppet.

And last, but not least… a ghoulish lure that is Perfect for your next gathering!

MONSTER BAIT: BLOODY MARY
Why waste time chanting her name in the mirror 13 times? Bedevil your next slumber party the easy way! Chunky, glistening red fruits with sweet cream accord, black clotted cherry, and powdered sugar!

(Yeah yeah - you know which one I'm waiting for - the cherries and sugar! hehe) I should have just ordered 3 bottles of that one :D I've heard that a lot of people were disappointed b/c the Ventriloquist Dummy perfume doesn't have enough "woodiness" in it - or was it too much wood? (Can you have too much wood? :O Hehe). I forget - but that's the one most people are selling when they receive it :P

I came to the conclusion tonight that it's been a freaking long time since I've had amazing - can't quit smiling the next day and/or can barely move the next day sex - or a conversation that is so entertaining that the hours/minutes just fly by - odd. I've never noticed either of these things missing before, so it must not be usual :D Must fix these things...(laugh)