My room smells like birthday cake; my roommate thought lighting a candle would help. It's nauseating and inappropriate - I need to make my room smell like burning flesh and bleeding heart. I've had three Klonopin, three advil, and a Vistaril for the nausea (because it's so hot here). I have a horrible headache. I'm alone again. I asked him to get help for his anger - just to see a therapist or a psychologist to DETERMINE whether his problem is chemical or situational and he refused. He hung up on me later in the conversation. When will I ever find someone that won't mind making a few sacrifices to make me happy? Why do I always have to be the one that sacrifices everything? I was giving up so much, but I thought I was doing it for the right reasons. I thought I had found someone to spend my life with - to laugh with - to cry with - to be with in any capacity. I was wrong again. How many times can I choose the wrong person? Am I looking for the wrong type of person? He was so nice to me for months. Is that as long as some people can last? My previous boyfriend lasted at least 6 years. Am I driving people to be nasty? When I asked him to get help for his rage - these are the answers:
(1) I'll get help the *next* time I have a problem with it.
(2) Me and Jesus Christ are working on it.
What? Where the hell did Jesus come from or how did he get into this? He's never said anything like that before - he doesn't go to church, pray, or anything. It's just nuts, really. He blamed me - BLAMED me partially for him calling me names. Holy Shit. His mom blamed him in the letter for her getting into trouble, because he told on her when she pushed him around. Maybe I overestimated him; I hate being disappointed in people. It really tears me up. I'm so sick of being disappointed. Why can't I find someone laid back that wants to be with me - wake up with me - and laugh with me? One of my friends was fucking right. He told me this was going to happen - that he would never admit that it was something that he couldn't fix on his own. You can't fix a CHEMICAL imbalance. He's not a doctor - he has no medical degree - but he and JESUS CHRIST can fix it. He told me how much better he is doing - that's because I haven't fucking stayed at his house since his last meltdown. So, no kidding that you are doing better - I'm not there to disrupt your precious life. I have to go and get my stuff. I'm taking whomever I can talk into going with me. I'm not going alone, because there is too much stuff. I have one night to get over this; I'm not letting this break me. I've been through much much worse. I've been through two horrible surgeries and a lingering illness that just won't go away. I've been through 2 cats dying in one week. I've been through a million medical tests. I can fucking get through this - I'm done with people treating me this way. I'm done giving unless somoene is giving equally back. I had a whole package ready for him - 2 books (one fun, one anger management), a t-shirt, candy, a card, stickers - so many things just sitting here now. I'm taking everything back that I can and trading it for things for MYSELF - all for MYSELF.
I'm so tired of selfish people - people that get hurt and think it's because they gave up too much of themselves. Then, those people become so selfish that they don't compromise in a relationship - there are compromises and sacrifices in a relationship - it's just a fact. If you only look out for yourself, then it's just not going to work. I'm tired of being the unselfish one. I've just had enough. I'm tired of fighting so hard. I'm just tired yet again.
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