You already know that I ordered another belly button ring; I can feel you staring at me (laugh). It's a really wicked pink spider, with multi-colored crystals on its back. People have been so disappointing lately. Nobody has been who I initially thought that person seemed to be. Is this because people hide who they are? Is it because I'm so bad at reading people and give people too much credit as human beings? Am I purposefully not seeing the signs that indicate that someone is not who he/she appears to be? I think that I'm seeing the signs, because that is the point at which I extinguish interaction with that person or discourage interaction and the point at which I am disappointed. I'm usually pretty good at paying attention to details. A lot of people miss the details - they either don't pay attention or just simply don't care enough to look for or notice them. I don't understand how someone can not like a quality in another person that he or she possesses. This completely baffles me. It would be like me hating people with big mouths (I'm not sure if I mean this literally or figuratively..hehe) when I have one myself. I've learned that at least with one person that disappointed me in the past couple of months that this is much easier to deal with if you're expecting it. I hate going into an interaction or a relationship expecting that it's going to end badly; I'm sure this affects how it does indeed end. But, if I don't do this, then it hurts even more. This time it just didn't hurt as badly. A few weeks ago, I went through maybe two days of intermittent sadness and reflection. Maybe someone has to be of a certain trustworthiness or "value" before I can take the risk of trusting that person at the expense of my feelings or my psyche. Every time that I am deeply hurt, I feel like it takes a part of me away, which is why I feel a need to protect myself. It's a catch 22. No one can get to know you if you never let down the walls, but then again, no one can hurt you or you can minimize the hurt if you keep up the walls.
I've had trouble sleeping this week - too many things on my mind. I'm going to dinner this weekend with a friend that I have not spoken to in almost ten years. We were good friends in high school, but after high school, she only wanted to do "church" things and it felt like she was trying to force her religion on my brother (who was also her friend) and I. I was raised Methodist, but I do not attend church now. The only memories I have of church is that it was really excruciating, because I have trouble in places where I have to be very quiet. My brother used to try to provoke me by drawing things on the programs, so that he could make me start giggling, and thus, get into trouble. I know that I believe in something - I believe that there is something other than what I can physically see - but I do not believe its a "man with a beard." I take the Bible as what I believe it is/was - it's a collection of stories that one can learn lessons from. I believe that is why the Bible seems contradictory sometimes; it was not meant to be read literally - it's more what you can gain from it and you have to keep in the back of your mind the time in which it was written. I believe more in an "energy" that is present in all living things - animals, humans. I believe other people can pick up on this energy - people that are around you and that events affecting this energy can have a ripple effect. I don't do well with organized religion; I especially have personal issues with religions that treat people differently, or have different rules for people, based on gender. I also do not understand the lack of tolerance in organized religion. I accept, and very much respect, the fact that everyone has his/her own personal belief system. I would never try to make someone change his/her belief system and would expect that person to respect mine. Everyone needs something to believe in; it's the only way to get through life. It seems to me that the one thing that the Bible did preach or that religions preach is tolerance, but when an organized religion states that it's a sin to be gay, for example, that seems to be the very antithesis of tolerance. Organized religion is extremely difficult for me to grasp mentally in the "rules" of that religion versus what seems to be the basic tenant of every religion.
Speaking of "sins"...(hehe)...I did get to go out and drink on Saturday night. I had my first jello shot; I don't think the bar made them correctly though b/c it was too firm (I like my jello with some bounce to it...laugh) I couldn't really get it out of the container; it took some fancy tonguework. My friends and I were too early for the dance clubs, so we did go to a strip club for about an hour. One of the women was really attractive in a dark sort of way...she had black on - like a black, fitted, longer skirt...and this spider web type material over her chest...and she had dark, shorter hair. She was arresting in an odd way; you couldn't figure out why she was attractive but she was - these are my favorite type of people - be it men or women. Bodies intrique me; they are all so different. I've never seen a person that you couldn't find some feature that is intriquing. This is one of the reasons that I don't understand people that immediately discount you if some feature of your body is not what that person "typically" finds attractive. I'm a fuller-figured women; I carry myself very well, and I am not ashamed of my body or my sexuality. I wear sexy, see-through lingerie...I paint my nails fun colors like light blue or a sparkly green...I wear cleavage enhancing clothing when I go out on the weekends...I'm not ashamed to get my belly button pierced or to draw attention to my body. I spent years obsessing over my appearance and hating myself, until I struggled with being sick more than I felt well for a few years. Now, I'm just happy that I feel well most of the time. I just don't care as much anymore about what people think; I dress to make myself happy and to make myself feel sexy and attractive. It just seems like so many people have a problem with this - like I'm supposed to feel bad that I was someone they were attracted to before that person realized that I'm not a barbie doll. I find fuller-figured women attractive and slender women - it just depends on the woman as to what portion of her will invite interest and/or admiration. I remember a movie that started changing the way that I saw such things, this was a long process - the name of the movie was See No Evil, Hear No Evil. And, in the movie, Gene Wilder was deaf and so worried about what people thought of him - his main goal in life was to get through life w/out people looking at him and thinking that he was different or drawing attention to himself. Richard Pryor's character tells him that he can fix that problem in one second, and he proceeds to stick an ice cream cone on his head. It's so silly to worry all the time about things that you can't change or that are really difficult to change - if you can change those things, go for it - but if you can't or even while you are changing those things...enjoy what you have.
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