Why do you look at someone that you see out - or see a picture of a person sometimes and think that person is at least five years older than you and then find out that the person is the same age as you? Do I just not see myself as I really am? Has that person just been harder on his or her body than I have been? I've seen pictures of myself; I can look at myself in the mirror. I realize that my face has changed and that I'm getting older. I look at my hands sometimes and see my grandmother's hands for a split second and it scares the hell out of me. I still get carded; I typically get pegged for around 27. I think age is mostly conception regardless. Your age can seem so different depending on the way that you dress and the way that you act. If only getting older wasn't connected to that whole pesky death thing.
I'm in a rotten mood. My tattoo is itching and drove me crazy half of last night. I accidentally scratched the tail of the dragon because I didn't realize how low it was - I looked at it under the light and it doesn't appear that I damaged it. My roommate keeps telling me to slap it to get the itchiness out; I feel like a moron slapping my leg. My belly button is red; a piercing shop told me to use salt water on it. I also feel like a moron with a cup of salt water suctioned onto my stomach. The original person that pierced it told me not to use salt water; the salt water appears to be helping so I'm going to keep doing it. Tomorrow is the last day of my 7 day bath ban because of my tattoo. I think that's one of the reasons that I'm in such a bad mood. Baths relax me. There are very few activities that truly shut off my brain - some more than others - hot bubble baths, sex, and listening to music. I had a second job interview for the non-attorney position today. It was a lunch interview; I detest lunch interviews. An interview is bad enough, but then you add in all the variables like trying to eat something that you won't make a mess with or get stuck in your teeth. Plus, the whole maintaining eye contact with the interviewer while you're trying to down enough of the lunch, so that you don't seem ungrateful. I get nervous anyway, and this just makes it worse and increases the chance that I'll say something stupid. I'm told it's down to me and one other person. If this follows the pattern of the rest of my life, it will mean that I won't get the job. It's so hard to stay focused and positive about finding a job when you're having a hard time finding another. I just can't stay enthused with that "go get it" attitude for this long. I feel worthless most of the time with respect to my career. I'm 33 years old; I should be much further along career-wise than I am currently. I always feel like I'm lagging behind. I'm just sitting around losing time. I hate that feeling. I should be painting. The minute that I get a job I'll long to have time to paint again, and I had all this time and only painted maybe 10 days total. I don't know what's wrong with me lately; I just need to get my enthusiasm back.
A person that I was intimately involved with for a few months that I had fallen out of touch with called the other day. I'm not calling him back. He made up some excuse that he discontinued his Internet service for why I haven't heard from him in so long. Anyone can call and leave a phone message; he has both of my phone numbers. He has my address. Was he out of stamps? Did his phone break? Why can't people just tell the fucking truth? I'm so sick of lies and excuses. Just admit it - you found someone else to hang out with - you pursued someone else and it didn't work out - someone that lived 10 minutes away from you instead of 3 hours. This was the first person that I ever tried to pursue a relationship with that lived further than 20 minute away. I thought he was worth it. I already was over this and expected not to ever hear from him again months ago. I've already dealt with this in my mind. One of the rare people that talked to me instead of just wanting to have sex. I'm really just tired of people that only want to have sex with me. I need the mental stimulaton as well as the physical or the physical is just lacking. You can always find someone to have sex with if you're a female. It's like pulling teeth to find someone that wants to talk to you as well as get you naked. I don't trust many people regardless, but I trust people even less when that person just seems to be too good to be true. I don't like when people just tell me what that person thinks I want to hear. I want to hear what is really true. If you're looking for someone to have sex with - fine - just tell me that. If you're looking for someone to casually date and maybe have sex if things lean that way - fine - just tell me that. There just isn't any way to get to know someone if that person isn't being honest, and I think it's wholly unfair to not tell someone the truth about what you're looking for - that person bases his/her expectations on what you're willing to offer. If I choose to interact with someone, I take what that person has to offer. If you lie about what you want or don't want, the other person is in the dark.
I had to find my birth certificate today and ran across some pictures that I didn't realize that I had of my cat that died from cancer the day after Christmas. I miss her so much; her name was Kismet and she always would stay with me when I didn't feel well. She hated everyone else, but if my stomach was hurting or I was in pain, she would be next to me in under 5 minutes. She just innately knew.
I swear to god that if I wasn't going to work in the legal or writing field that I would color my hair pink. I should have gotten an art degree.
No comments:
Post a Comment