"Well she entered unnoticed. You will feel it when she leaves."

I've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. For the past 2+ years, I have suffered from disturbing muscle issues. At first, I would just have trouble doing "normal" things for me - dancing, walking up a flight of stairs. And, then it progressed into unfightable fatigue and not even being able to raise my arms to wash my hair sometimes. Six months ago, I started having "charlie horses" everywhere. I didn't know someone could even have these anywhere other than in her calves - I was having muscle spasms in my toes, hips - my roommate had to pull me out of the bathtub once - the spasm was so severe. A week ago, it just all broke loose - I was hurting in so many different places - my lower back, my neck, the front of my neck, one of my knees - and it migrates. It's frightening. Yesterday, blissfully, it just hurt in my left knee and some neck pain. But, today, it's in multiple places again - I just can't sleep at all. They are throwing medications at me again, of course. I've already tried "Savella," and it made me nauseated and worsened my acid reflux. Nothing was as bad as the muscle relaxer though - that sent the acid reflux to my throat for days. After those two didn't work with my stomach, I was given Valium - which does help me sleep - but it makes me jittery as it wears off and terribly nauseous. So, that one is out now too. They are going to call in Lyrica, I believe, tomorrow. I'm just so worried that it's something more - the symptoms of Fibromyalgia are almost identical to other, more debilitating diseases, like multipe sclerosis. I don't have any health insurance or any way to rule those out at this point in time. I'm just worried that my body will never be the same - and all of the medications that they give me to "fix" my body or the pain - they affect my mind. It's a clear mind and painful body or a mildly painful body and fuzzy mind. Stress is one of the worst things that you can deal with, both with my IBS and fibromyalgia - and that's all that I go through anymore.

The kittens are growing so fast. The orange one is actually a little wicked; he bites and holds grudges. I've never seen such an agressive kitten. He's so quick that I can hardly ever catch him when he gets free reign of the house; he runs so fast around corners that he slides - kind of like a car. He's been named "Bolt." We almost named him "Blaze" - it's so hard to name them until they get older, and then usually, you get stuck calling them something stupid, like "orange kitty" (hehe) The black one is a sweetheart; she's almost off her bottle and onto all solid food. Her little face is so adorable; you can't help smiling when you look at her. She loves to nuzzle ears and grab your chin - and purrs like crazy. She has faint little gray stripes on her legs; I'm not sure if she'll keep them as she gets older or not. I named her "Licorice."
My roommate, the one who promised to give me somewhere to live this year without having to worry about anything (rolls eyes), finally got another job after having walked out of his other one. He starts in the morning and will actually be making more than his past job. We have so many bills to catch up on though, and he sold his car - so, he'll be walking to work sometimes and then other times - I'll take him. The brake place that he's working at is super close to the house - less than a mile - so this is a good thing.

Our neighbors to the immediate right are heathens. They've had two occasions where they had music so loud, that I couldn't even hear the television in my bedroom - I love music - but when I don't feel well - I just want to rest and play spades online or watch television. There were about 50 people in their front yard on Memorial Day; I miss living in my old house - the neighbors were polite and so much further away. But, I'm thankful that I'm in a house still where you have more freedom than an apartment - and I have my own bedroom and a large room for all of my art supplies and packaging stuff (for perfume swaps and sales).
My family (my cousins and aunt) came down from Ohio. I haven't seen one of my cousins for almost 20 years. I felt too bad to hang out with them as much as I wanted - but I did get to spend a day and half total with them. My cousin Jessie is 23, and we seem to get each other into trouble (hehe - who me?) We both got tattoos the last time she was down here. I tried to talk her into a belly ring, and the next thing I know, she's getting her nipples pierced (laugh) I don't think I'll ever be able to do it now that I've seen the size of the needle (hee!). Her mom didn't believe that she had done it; Jessie is usually pretty "straight" and narrow - but she has a wicked streak. Her mom asked to see her belly button when we were late arriving back at my mom's house (Jessie made me go get a drink after she had them pierced :P ) - when we kept laughing, her mom says: "What? Did you get your nipples pierced?" and proceeded to grab her breasts. I know that had to hurt - and the secret was out. I still can't believe how long the needle is that they used to pierce them. Jessie keeps teasing me about my age, because she knows I'm getting sensitive about it. Flatteringly, the sexy piercer didn't believe Jessie when she told her how old I was - enough that she kept telling Jessie that there was no way that I was that age. And, a hairstylist and I were talking about age a week ago, and she told me that I looked damn good for my age - so I just need to get over it - huh?

After the shock from the nipple piercing reveal wore off, Jessie's mom made super strong margaritas, and I had to sit up until 2 a.m. to be able to drive home. Jessie's nipples were started to really hurt about an hour before I drove home - and I couldn't get into my mom's room to get the band-aids because they were asleep - so I brought her paper towels and scotch tape (yes, I was under the influence...hehe!) I can't believe she paper-toweled and scotch-taped her nipples. When we got back into the gameroom after we all relaxed and giggled in the the hot tub, I noticed a scratch on the wall that looked just like a "K." Jessie's mom is named Kim (the bartender...hehe) - and she thought we had drawn it on purpose. It was the oddest coincidence! I think the suitcase rubbed up against the wall - and it just happened to make a "K" mark; I was blamed of course - but I would never write on my mom's walls! A little magic eraser and it was gone - I kept telling her to calm down while she was rubbing the wall with a wet towel and making it worse. I felt so sick the day after - there is no way I'm going to be able to drink - even socially any more. But, I did have a ball (no pun intended...grin) We're trying to talk everyone into going to Ohio to spend Christmas with them - this is the "fun" side of my family. Jessie is also a cosmetologist - so we got to shop in a "professional-only" store that had high-end nail polish and hair products. I almost had an orgasm - really (hehe!) I bought a pretty shimmmery turqouise nail polish, a bright blue, and a really bright purple with glitter. I also found an amazing hair spray that moisturizes and a root lifter. The prices + her discount - I was just in heaven.

I don't understand exes that can't just cut the ties. If a break-up is bad or I'm really hurt (especially if I really loved that person and that person broke my heart because he wouldn't make small compromises equal to the amount that I was making or even less), I just don't want anything to remind me of it again. What is with people that have to be friends with exes or have to keep tabs on them? I don't care how that person is doing (who he is doing) or who he is living with - I don't want to know anything - I'm just like that. I just make a clean break. I had a situation that was going to get ugly; I got out of it - I cried a little, listened to a few sad songs, wrote a funny, disparaging story for my own benefit - and that was that. If I ever go through something like that again, that person is going to have to make a grand gesture - and I mean huge "sacrifice" to spend his life with me - something that shows that he's willing to take the same chances that I am on a future together. In my fantasy world, he moves to civilization (preferably Little Rock or a surrounding area), we share my family, he at least gets into talk therapy for his anger and "obsessive tendencies" and to learn how to handle stress, we have amazing mind-blowing sex forever, he quits screwing and "flirting" with other girls when he's with me, he never calls me any type of name again, and I take care of him when he's down or sick and vice versa. Unfortunately, I live in reality and know that would never happen in a million and a 1/2 years. I think that I miss a person that never truly was - and that does make me sad.

I'm saving my "ChaCha" guide money for a used X-Box 360, barring any other utility emergencies like paying $200 to get the internet back on today. I want that and Fable I and II - I wish I could set up some type of fund and beg people for money (hehe) I really need it (hee!) I don't actually - I just want to play video games when I don't feel well and am stuck in bed.
I finally used my gift card for Torrid during their Memorial Day sale and treated myself to some lingerie and a couple of dresses. I bought the cutest panties - one pair is baby pink and has a cartoon squirrel on them and reads "completely nuts" (yeah, yeah...hehe). And, then, I got some more risque stuff (ahem). One camisole is just pure love - it's sheer black with pink lace around the cups - and a black skull pendant on the middle of the "bra" portion - sexy, sweet, and a little wicked (my favorite!) Good and bad this month - I wish my life would just choose good for awhile! Ups and downs are only fun during sex (grin)

"She will go and set the world on fire...no one ever thought she could do that."

My ex-boyfriend's/roommate's mother has breast cancer. They caught it very early while checking on other general health problems, so that is a very good sign. She is one of the most stubborn, feisty, strong women that I know. His way of dealing with his fear about her is to lash out at me. He's been yelling at me for the past two hours. I don't feel well today, so I'm stuck at home. He keeps telling me how none of "his friends" like me and how he shouldn't be living with me - and all other types of hurtful words that I don't care to re-live. I don't understand how a person in his middle 30's does not yet know how to deal with his feelings and accept the fact that he has fears. I shouldn't have to be yelled at because he is scared and can't admit it. I just talk to someone, listen to sad music, cry - something - I would never yell at someone else in a degrading way without realizing what I was doing.

My hair is a new color - it's burgundy with two "peek-a-boo" blonde highlights - one in my bangs and one streak on the left side. It was a nightmare how many times I had my hair colored this week - I made the mistake of trying a new place - but it's finally "liveable" until the next whim hits me. Changing my haircolor makes me happy.

I'm a ChaCha guide which is awesome, because it's something I can do at home. You can just text any question in the whole world to 242242, and you'll have an answer within minutes. I get a lot of sex questions (hehe - big surprise - huh?), weed questions (can you tell I answer questions in the middle of the night? hee), and legal questions. Customers get 4 free questions every 7 days. I hate the homework questions the most, because I had to do my own homework - they should have to also :P I'm just learning how to do answer quickly within the text limits and their guidelines and am up to $75 already. I have my first shift with kgb_ tomorrow as a guide where I will also answer questions - they are stricter, pay less, and work in shifts - so I'm not sure how that one will work out for me - but it's worth a shot. Unlike ChaCha, kgb_ costs .99 a question, but it's harder to be accepted so the answers have a much higher quality rating. Some of the questions that have made me laugh or cringe:

"How long were Viking penises?" (laugh)
"If a hooker comes to your house and passes out, is it rape or shop-lifting?" (cringe)
"Can you have sex with a girl that is passed out?" (cringe)
"What kind of snake is this?" (answer poisonous) Follow up question: "Should I touch it?" (cringe)

I'm also a member of an Artist Trading Card (ATC) forum now! I'm really exited; you can join group swaps (sounds dirty, huh?) or just post your small pieces of art for person-to-person swaps. ATC's are works of art on paper that are 2.5 x 3.5 inches in size. The first swap I have joined is "7 deadly sins." I have "Envy" done (pictured above) - but still have to do "lust" and "wrath." It feels like a really friendly community, so this is definitely a positive in my life currently.

I'm taking care of two teeny tiny kittens! My roommate's sister-in-law rescued 6 of them, and we are bottle-feeding 2 of them. One is a soft black, and one is orange and white striped. I don't know if I'll be able to give the orange one up (bites nails...hehe) I have a weak spot for kitties - but an even weaker spot for orange kitties, since I lost my beautiful boy "Tang" last year. They are so busy. I love when they are awake - but I'm also glad to have a chance to breathe when they are finally sleeping.

I joined an IBS study that researches how writing can affect and/or aid people that deal with the symptoms of IBS. I'll get a $25 check for just writing a couple nights in a row - it does distract you from concentrating on your stomach pain - but, of course, lots of things do and eventually activities will stop distracting you or the pain gets worse. I also can submit a piece of artwork if I want for their publication - also contending that art helps with IBS symptoms. I truly believe that creative arts lead to less stress which would help calm down IBS flare-ups.

It's been an interesting month!

"You with your itinerary life, you're nothing, nothing, never fine in the light."

I wish:

(1) That my stomach could feel normal for one week - or even a day - and that I could eat anything I wanted for just that day - no heating pads, no pain pills, no advil, no medications an hour before I eat - nothing - just be a normal person.

(2) That someone would give something up or make a "grand gesture" for me just once - a romantic, unbelievable, movie-moment sacrifice - to make us both happy - choosing to relocate to be with me, admitting his feelings even though he doesn't know how to express them, getting help for a problem that would keep a person from being safe around them - just something. I'm tired of being the one that has to give up everything. I'm sick of being the person that has to be accomodating of another's behavior, words, or actions within another's initial or complete control.

(3) That I get a swimming pool as I had planned one day.

(4) That I get to find at least a part of the "former me" one day and keep her around.

(5) That my ex-boyfriend could choose to be sober.

(6) That my mom would understand what it's like to be me sometimes. I actually wish that just one person in the world understood me or cared enough to learn how to - I always find people to be enigmas - I like to learn how they work, what they think, and figure out who they are - it's exciting to me.

(7) That I get treated to or invited to a small picnic one day - an open field - 2 people, a blanket, food optional...(hehe)

(8) That I could feel what it's like to be one of "the beautiful people" for one day - where you can't even walk by someone without that person turning around and not knowing why. I'd love to know what it feels like to have that charisma, that "special something" - that certain people have and no one can explain but draws people closer.

(9) That I had a better singing voice.

(10) That I had a body made for professional dancing.

(11) That I could order as many bath and body products, tarts, perfume oils, dresses, make-up as I could and wanted in a 24-hour space of time.

(12) That I had told someone in my past before he got married that I loved him even though it wouldn't have mattered in terms of where he or I ended up.

(13) That I could get my lost kitties back - Brownie, Spot, Baby Kitty, Kismet, Slash, Little Guy, Tang, and Flooz. Little Guy died two months ago of Saddle Thrombus - he just threw a clot and lost use of both of his back legs - I thought he had fallen and broke or injured a leg. Two hours later, he was euthanized - he had a heart defect that couldn't be repaired which had led to the throwing of the clot that was blocking blood flow to his legs. I have lost so many kitties the past two years.

(14) That I wasn't so shy in front of groups of people. I wish I could stand in front of a group of people and speak confidentally and knowledgeably.

(15) That I don't lose anything else - I've lost so much lately - even for just a year, I'd like to keep all that I have around me - people, pets, and belongings.

(16) That just one of the people in my past that treated me poorly or did something obviously wrong would come back and admit it and take responsbility for it.

(17) That people didn't lie so much - or think that they are so good at it that people don't know it. Just because someone doesn't call a person on a lie or bring it to light, doesn't mean that she doesn't know or didn't know what was going on the entire time - everyone has a filter inside - sometimes they don't want to speak about something aloud either - because that makes it real.

(18) That a few of my wishes would come true.