"This is the noise that keeps me awake...my head explodes and my body aches."

It was really strange. I woke up Wednesday morning and just had this urge to smile - this feeling that something good was going to happen. This hardly ever occurs - especially lately, since things have been such a mess because of all the stomach problems and financial problems (and, yeah...stopping this whole line of thought here...) Anyway, obviously, my psychic powers suck (the best word that fits), because my mother informed me that she "might" not be here for Christmas this year. Well, if you know my mother, you know that this means that she will not be here for Christmas this year. My mom doesn't do well at confrontation, and you would think if it was something she was firmly for, she would have just told me two weeks ago, like she did with my brother. I may be in my 30's, but we have never had one Christmas where our family was not together for the holiday. My brother, mom, and I, and then either her current husband or my father *always* have Christmas together. Christmas is my absolutely most favorite time of the year. Not just because I love presents (which you all know that I do), I love to give presents more. I love to give someone the perfect gift and watch someone's facial expression when he/she opens my gift. I love the lights, the trees, the overly warm houses, the cold weather, waking up with chilly feet, waking up with cats all over me b/c they are cold, singing Christmas songs (replacing all of my hip-hop music with cheesy Christmas carols in my car dvd player), the board games my family plays, wrapping presents, tieing bows, making cookies, and a million more things. It's just a time, where a feeling of calm settles and nothing else matters, because you have your family and everyone is happy and together. I can drive over to my mom's house in my pink, fuzzy bunny slippers and nightgown and not worry about make-up or even brushing my hair. We do stockings for everyone in the family. I start in November gathering fun things for stockings. Well, her husband has finally decided that they are going out of town for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Let it be known that most of the other holidays are no longer sacred since she remarried - she has been out of town, at one time or another, for all of them except for Christmas, including Thanksgiving Day and my birthday. She has never left the rest of her family here on Christmas - just never. I lost it when she told me. I started crying, screaming, and just threw the phone. (Yeah, I throw things when I'm mad...bite me). Just with all the other bad things going on - being in stomach pain all of the time and just missing so much of life lately - I don't feel like I have many things to look forward to lately and she has taken away a significantly joyful occasion. She said that her "poor" husband has been asking to go see his grandchildren for Christmas for 7 years (give me a break - he visits them and they visit him and they would be invited to our Christmas ANY year - my brother and I would never exclude any additional family). He has finally won and is taking my mother away at the most important time of the year. I just feel like I can't breathe just thinking about it. I'm going to be stuck here all alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My brother and his wife like to open their presents to one another alone - and spend either Christmas Eve or Christmas afternoon with her family. I will be left essentially alone. You go from having family all around to nothing. She also wants me to make my best friend/ex/roommate leave, before she will help me move on with selling my house, etc. I took her painting, the portrait, that she did of me to her art studio in the middle of the night with a long letter. I don't even want to look at it ever again. It just sits in my room staring at me, mocking me - my whole room was designed around it. It's a person that I no longer am - and she obviously doesn't see me in the same light anymore - just b/c I'm sick - b/c I'm sick and having trouble staying "up" enough to find another job. My mom used to the be the person that I would wake up in the middle night from having nightmares about what I would do if something happened to her. Now, it feels like I don't even know her anymore. I don't agree with everything she does - but I would NEVER let it effect whether I would help her. I would help her with anything without her even asking. I always would. My letter essentially explained what I appear to be rehashing in my brain for the 2nd time at least and that she obviously just wants me to be stuck in my bedroom alone with a tree and my pets for Christmas with no one else around. I told her that I hope when she's drinking a rum/coke on Christmas Eve and sitting there in front of a fire with his family that she feels happy with what she's chosen to do.

My biggest problem is not that they want to choose another locale for Christmas. My problem is with the fact that NO ONE ELSE WAS INVITED. Most people I have talked to - if their family travels to another location for Christmas, they just take the whole family with them. If his intentions are so pure, why the hell weren't we all invited? Why weren't we invited? This is the deciding question in my mind as to what he is trying to accomplish. I don't have any other relatives here except for my brother. My brother and mom are my only blood relatives here - the rest of my secondary family lives in Ohio and we hardly ever see them.

I just wish something good would happen. I really need something good to happen. I've been reading a book that my mom gave me (a book with a paragraph written about how even though she has more money than she'll ever spend that she's not going to "bail me out" this time even when my house is foreclosed on and my car is repossessed) - and, while I agree with some of it, such as the power of your mind to alter your health and your station in life. I do not agree with all of it. I am at a chapter where he essentially blames poor people for being poor due to ignorance or wrong thinking - that lack of opportunity does not ever factor into your wealth. I don't think lack of opportunity wholly causes you to be poor, but I believe sometimes it does influence your station in life and change what is available to you. You can overcome having NOTHING growing up. You can much more easily succeed if you had EVERYTHING growing up. I sincerely believe that much of who you are in the business world is "who you know" - and I know no one and I am nothing. I do believe that having a positive mindset can make you better health-wise and can help you with your career - but I don't believe in hardly any *absolutes* - no statement is hardly ever true 100% of the time. Not everyone that had a positive attitude has been unsuccessful or has overcome sickness. It doesn't ALWAYS work. It's not always a sick person's or poor person's fault entirely that he/she is sick or poor. If these are the types of books that she is reading with keeping a grain of perspective as to the time period (1800's) this book was written in and type of person (rich, white, healthy, famous male) that is writing these words - then no wonder her thinking is askew and she has lost the compassion that she used to have.

I told her that I would not be attending Thanksgiving nor my birthday which happens to be on Thanksgiving also this year. Yes, I'm stubborn and a child - but this is what I need to do to get past this upset.

"...Don't you wish you were dead like me?"

My mom did the above picture as a portrait of me for Christmas two years ago. It made me cry to learn how she sees me. I don't even see myself like that. Art is amazing - it can speak volumes and make a more intense statement sometimes than even words can acheive.

I read something the other day about how you love the ones more that you never really get to know - never really interact with - those will be the loves that you don't ever forget. This keeps popping into my brain. Once you get into a relationship with someone, things change. Words are said that can't be forgotten. Lies are sometimes told. Actions are taken that are hard to forgive. Things just happen. Your love changes. It may deepen, because you grow closer to the person. But, it never stays the same as that feeling that you had in the beginning - where you just can't shake that person from your head no matter how hard you try. I guess another reason that the unrequited love lasts forever is just the fact that it is unrequited. You never get to test it - see where it will go - see if it was felt in return and know to the degree that it was felt. It just lingers in your mind forever and creeps back into your thoughts when you least expect it.

I've been lied to or have had people try to deceive me a lot lately. Some of them coming from 2 people that I care about and some coming from 1 person that I don't really care so much about. I get tired of people lying. I get tired of watching for signals and remembering what someone says so I can compare it to what he says later. It's exhausting. It's hard to detect liars from the beginning. Who is going to admit that he/she is a liar? If he/she is a liar, he/she is just going to lie about the fact.

I was going to have fun and have my hair done differently and have the underneath colored a deep brunette and then the outer layer colored a medium red - but I had a job interview, so I had to go with conversative. I just got a mixture of blonde and red highlights around my face and left the remainder the deep brunette color. I'm letting it grow out again - it either has to be shorter than I have the courage to cut it for me to like it or long - I don't like the medium length.

I've gotten a couple of good pefumes out of the oils and other ingredients and accessories that I purchased. It's really interesting actually learning about the different notes - and how to test the oils together before you make the perfume to make sure you like the combination and which oil is dominant. You just cut paper strips and dip them into the oils you want to mix and hold them together and smell to see if you like. You hold the oil that you want for the most dominant note higher than the others and the middle note next a little further down and so on - it's really interesting actually. My favorite is a mixture of lime, white chocolate, sandalwood, and frosted snowdrops. Who knew it was so easy to make your perfume/perfume oils for your own use? My brother really liked another that I made for him which is a mixture of cinnamon, a drop of cherry, dragon's blood, and clove. I'm such a make-up and pefume junkie :P They need a cosmetics anonymous group (grin) I'm not even admitting how many boxes of make-up that I have. No, not even if you try to arouse it out of me (hehe).

I had an interview for a securities job where I would put together financial packages for customers and sell annuities, life insurance, etc. I'm not sure if I could do this - I don't have any sales experience. It's only the selling part that I'm concerned about. The talking to the clients and figuring out what they need and then matching financial options to their needs wouldn't really be a problem once I was trained - I don't believe. My mother always jokes around and tells me that I can sell anyone anything - b/c I can always talk her , other family members, and friends into anything. Yeah yeah - I know this is totally different - they know me and trust me. People who meet me seem to trust me though - I'm just not sure how approachable I am and this is the part that gives me pause. I've never gotten to use the "non-professional," playful, giggly part of myself to do professional things. It would definitely be interesting, but I wouldn't get to do any truly "legal" work - which I would miss terribly. Life has to get easier some day. Or, maybe since my life was "easier" earlier in my life - that was the easy part of my life.

I have another gallbladder test at 7:20 a.m. on Tuesday. If my gallbladder has worsened, then I might finally have an answer to all of my stomach problems. The test is awful. It's a HIDA scan, and you have to lay still for 2 hours while they scan your gallbladder to watch how it empties and contracts - the bad part comes when they inject the medicine to force your gallbladder to do its thing. That made my stomach cramp so badly last time. The only thing they had for me to watch were Andy Griffith dvds. I hate Andy Griffith :P Eh, putting myself out of this misery and ending this now - I think I'm boring myself.

"Her kisses left something to be desired...the rest of her."

I was going to keep one of my blogs purely private and just type about sexual things - but, god, I can't even keep up with one blog - let alone two. So, I'm importing the entries to this one :P

I'm more a "dirty" sex type girl, but it all really comes down to the kiss for me. If the intriguing...stomach dancing kiss isn't there - that's really as far as it's going with me. I think a kiss speaks volume about a person - both sexually and personality-wise. You can tell if someone is greedy sexually, if someone is always going to be taking control, if someone isn't comfortable with you taking control - a kiss speaks volumes if you pay attention. What makes a good kisser is totally subjective - I like:

(1) Someone that knows how much and when to use his/her tongue. Having someone's tongue in your mouth the entire time or too soon, just isn't erotic. I like to build up to that part, so that when it does happen - it's a surprise and that much more appealing. I like having someone pull my tongue into his/her mouth also - I like the whole "dance" with tongues. Things that fall into your lap (hehe) are never as appreciated as the things that you have to work for - sexually and non-sexually.

(2) Someone sucking on my bottom lip intermittently and me doing the same.

(3) Variety - I like to be the aggressor sometimes, controlling the kiss - other times, I like someone pushing toward me...taking over...sometimes I like soft and gentle kisses and other times I like fast "can't get enough" of someone's mouth kisses. I think it's all in paying attention to how the other person reacts. As things escalate, obviously, it's fun to experiment and turn up the heat to see what happens

(4) Hand involvement - hands in my hair - maybe gently pulling or just holding onto it, hands other places, hands on my neck, fingers sliding below an earlobe - hands and fingers are crucial to me even in the kiss.

(5) Taking time to stop and breathe and/or kissing other areas - I'm a sucker (no pun intended ) for someone that kisses or just breathes against the side of my neck or my earlobes. I love to feel someone's lips slide down my neck or up my neck before reaching my mouth again. I like just leaning my mouth near someone elses and talking softly or just breathing for a moment to see who gives in and starts the next kiss first.

The worst kissers ever:

(1) The guy that just stuck his tongue in and out and kept missing my mouth - I mean, come on, if you can't find someone's mouth, it's ok to open your eyes And, someone can't kiss you if you're keeping your tongue out the whole time.

(2) The guy without an upper lip that pushed too hard against my face. This guy had a really large bottom lip and very tiny upper lip and didn't realize that if he pushed so hard against my face that basically my mouth would almost end up in his mouth - this just wasn't fun. As a side note, I don't think you need "stereotypically" perfect lips to kiss well - just know how to use what you have

(3) The guy that had an urge to eat chili/onions, before he wanted to kiss me. This is first grade stuff - I'm not even going to type about this one - I don't want to relive it.

The best kissers:

(1) The 4th person I ever kissed was amazing. He could kiss for hours and just knew what he was doing. All of the variety was there - it never got boring. You could tell that he enjoyed kissing for kissing's sake - not just as a necessary prelude to sex.

(2) The most emotionally unstable guy that I couldn't figure out at all, was another amazing kisser. If only I had gotten to experience it more often ;) Ironically enough, this was basically all that ever happened even though we went out a few times. He had a lot of hang-ups - I'm not sure if the sex would have been good - so, when I think back, maybe this was a good thing that it didn't go further. We were evenly equipped mentally and it was a constant "back and forth" (hehe) verbally - like a battle - so when the kissing would start, it would continue this same way - alternating control - seeing who could "win." This rocked.

(3) The charming guy - this is the person you call when you want to feel good about yourself and when you want to kiss and just look at his face and smile. It's like going back to the familiar and you're comfortable with that. Excellent kisser - just slow and easy and faster when things would escalate. Humor and give and take. I'm not sure I believe everything that he ever said or says to me, because I'm sure how much of it is said just because he thinks that is what I want to hear - but, when I just don't worry about believing it and just take things for what they are - things are definitely good

(4) The girl Yeah, that one girl out of a few...she had the softest mouth and smelled amazing and had long, soft hair - she was the aggressive one because I was nervous - she had an evil grin and a slightly wicked expression in her eyes - she knew how sexy she was and I had to agree

I know I know...too much about kissing...but, really - I couldn't start with anal sex. Maybe I'll work my way down Things involving kissing still on my list of things to do:

(1) I'd love to kiss a guy and girl at the same time - just simultaneously moving our mouths over one another's and changing "partners" so to speak during the kisses.

(2) More kissing outside - I like public or near public displays of affection - they make me nervous and not so many things do anymore - I like being caught off-guard. I like excitement I like knowing that someone is attracted to me and not ashamed to show it to the world. I dated one man in the past that just pushed me up against my car (in the evening) in a parking lot and just went for it. That totally rocked too.

(3) Kissing a "stranger" or "near stranger." I'd love to be a club or in public and if some type of silent or near-silent interaction (such as dancing) led to a kiss...that would be most interesting. I've never kissed anyone that I didn't really know personality-wise. It wouldn't be something that I'd want to do all the time - but at least once (maybe twice...hehe)

On a side note, if you're having sex with someone - even just as a "sex-buddy" (oh, please, you know that you do this...), don't just stop kissing someone you kissed in the beginning. That's going to end it very quickly - no one likes being treated like a whore (excluding role play) even if you think of her as one for whatever interest it serves. Obviously, this doesn't apply to anyone you pay for sex (laugh).

On yet another side note, tongue-rings are awesome - I've always heard the tired "better for oral" sex thing - but, oh my god, they are so erotic during kissing. Who knew? To kiss someone and feel something in his/her mouth that isn't "supposed" to be there or that you didn't yet know was there is quite interesting.

"Sugar, I love the way your body talks..."

I'm probably going to have to sell my car in order to keep my house maintained and the mortgage paid until I go back to full-time work after I just find a way to conveniently lose my stomach. It's a 1998 with 96,000 miles. Don't waste my time - I know what it's worth; I know how many were made. It's an automatic with a removable top. If you have a serious offer, lay it on me :)

IF YOU MESSAGE ME OR SEND ME AN OFFLINE JUST TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW NICELY THAT MY LIPS WOULD FIT AROUND VARIOUS PARTS OF YOUR BODY, AND YOU DON'T EVEN TELL ME THIS IN A SEXY WAY - JUST DON'T WASTE THE FINGER ENERGY. I, however, can use my finger energy any way that I want (hehe). For the love of God, start with some type of INTERESTING OPENING. How hard is this?

My mom's husband made a really bad choice and gave her carte blanche via a phone conversation when we were out today to choose his Halloween costume. He's 10 years older than her and is almost 60. She got him a pimp suit (laugh) The suit is purple leopard with a leopard-patterned hat with a lime green feather sticking out of it. She got him a ring that reads "pimp" across the knuckles. He's a little more "adult" than her (and especially me) - so I bet he just died when he saw it. Of course, she's excited (b/c she's more like me that she wants to admit) because she gets to dress all slutty to be his "lady of the night." She got a short, pleated jean skirt, red gel to spike her hair straight up, super-high red stripper shoes with little patent bows on them, huge pink dangly heart earrings, a choker, and some bangles. Add some garish make-up and a corset - and bingo, you have a hooker (stereotypical, of course...I don't want to offend any hookers :o ) I get to do her make-up and let her borrow make-up - I'm not sure if I like what that says about me (laugh) I have brighter colors though; she usually wears neutrals. She teaches an art class and dresses up for Halloween that day, and, thankfully, is going to mute it down to a goth chick. I get to do her make-up for that too Love, love, love to put make-up on people. People underestimate the power of make-up - it can totally alter your face and give you confidence or make you feel like a different person for a night. I'm such an addict :P

I've decided to be a Graveyard fairy. What is a graveyard fairy, you ask? Why, I'll tell you, of course (hehe). I so love my blog - it can't talk back ;) It's a pink fairy costume with netted black wings, black corset tie-up in the front, faux leather ruching over the hips, and then netted pink material as the skirt. I bought pink eyelashes today, light pink haircolor (I'm just going to color the very ends of my hair), and tried to find some black fishnets. Of course, plus-size fishnets are impossible to find around here. I embarrassed myself in Dillards.

My mouth:

"Where are the plus-size black hose?" (pause, I'd like to say thoughtful pause, but no...)

"H-o-s-e, not h-o-e-s"

Yeah, I really said that (laugh) It just sounded so perverted after the question came out of my mouth. She laughed - so hopefully I didn't offend her - my mother gave me bad looks for awhile (grin). She did or said things to embarrass me throughout childhood - I think it's only fair that I get to do the same now :) We were in Home Depot the other day, and we were about to ask this salesman for help and a woman customer, an older woman, came up and just reached into the pouch around his waist (and, over his crotch for that matter) and grabbed his tape measure and said she needed it - proceeding to walk off with it with promises to return it.

My mouth:

"You should be glad that she was only looking for a tape measure."

Yeah, he followed us around trying to "pretend" to find something they didn't have in the store, while my mother shot me bad looks - I probably deserved it a little - but I just can't help it :) I don't think he got out an intelligible sentence the whole 7 minutes we were around him - I have to learn how to control my mouth around strangers I have some type of problem - over the years, I'm just losing the worry about what people think about me - I'm me - if you get offended, I certainly didn't do it on purpose - it was just something that I couldn't keep from going down that slide from my brain to my mouth.

I'm in a weird mood today. I painted all of my nails a baby pink instead of the usual black, navy blue, turquoise, or sparkly blue. I got a Halloween bag of lollipops (hey, these don't make me sick - I can add these to the list...woohoo :P) and wore ponytails today. Maybe it's the pink lacy panties that I was sporting today that put me in a hyper girlie mood (grin). Damn those evil panties

I've got all the equipment (hehe) to make my solid perfumes now to see what happens. I just was so tired tonight that I didn't feel inspired. I finally got my Black Phoenix perfumes from the website - my favorites actually ended up being "Hellcat" and "Voodoo." What scents are those, you ask? Why, I'll tell you, of course...(hehe)

Hellcat: A soft, sensual, luxuriant, blend with a wicked bite: hazelnut, buttercream, honey mead, rum and sweet almond.

Voodoo: A midnight scent, evoking images of flicking golden firelight reflecting off the sheen of glistening skin and the jerking shadows of bodies suffused with spirtual ecstasy. A deep, powerful, resonant blend of myrrh, patchouli, vetiver, lime, vanilla, pine, almond and clove. .

I'm a true believer in the theory that everything you do matters. I think every little thing you do or don't do sets off some other sequence in motion, and so on. Something I do today could affect someone across the world in a month. I wish people would take more responsiblity for the things that they do and the decisions that they make.

I thought I was being funny and gave a friend a mini-test of questions about me - like what-ifs in certain situations. He got me back by asking 10 harder questions. I'm totally avoiding them, just in case you're reading this - your questions are *so* much more difficult than mine :P I tried to choose things we had talked about - you didn't :P (laugh) I've decided that you're the devil

Why would someone that you used to be intimate with and talk to, who quit contacting you, contact you MONTHS LATER and tell you that now, he's decided that he wants to be in your life in some way? I had already let him into my life - he was the one that chose not to be in it. This just baffles me and lends even more credence to my theory that most people are just selfish and nuts in general. I refuse to spend more than 30% of this blog complaing - so I'll just quit now (hehe).

"Play it smart girl, win the game love..."

Note to self now that I can change my belly button ring:

(1) Don't use body pouf in shower or bath around stomach area. Yeah, that netted little pouf caught right on my belly ring and almost pulled it out.

(2) Don't try to change belly ring in the bathtub - searching around for a tiny ball that was dropped by slippery fingers is not my idea of a good time (hehe).

(3) Make sure the towel you use to dry off with doesn't have any frayed edges or loose strings. Oh yeah, that string caught hold and pulled at it harder than the body pouf did.

I swear I felt pressured to post a new blog, because I'm tired of people messaging telling me that they think that I'm pretty because they think the picture of Sara from America's Next Top Model is me. This annoys me on so many levels. Particularly, because it's obviously just a picture posted on a blog if you look further. No one is interested and/or bright enough to read one blog to figure out that the picture is just of a haircut that I like. Most people are just looking at a profile long enough to see your picture before that person messages you. And, yes, I'm not naive - but it's annoying to have *so* many people do this to me. On a side note, I just had 4-5 inches taken off my hair. It's already longer than shoulder length again. It's interesting - I haven't had a cut that I have to actually work with again, and it's long enough still to wear it up or put it in ponytails when I don't feel like fixing it. So, I'm happy for now.

I've been stomach sick for over four months. They think it's some type of gallbladder problem, but can only promise me a 30% chance of improvement if I have surgery. I'm in the process of getting a second opinion. This is my 6th day of feeling human again, so we'll see where it goes.

I don't understand why some doctors just can't admit when they don't know what is wrong with someone. I've noticed if some doctors get to the end of their knowledge base or to the end of the tests that they know to do, that they decide whatever is wrong with you is functional and is anxiety related. This is just crazy in some cases. Personally, I don't want to go to the doctor over and over, have invasive tests over and over, not be able to do things that I love to do, and spend a fortune on a million types of medicine in some type of prescription trial and error. My ENT is awesome - even though I don't have to see him anymore, because my tonsils have been taken out - he's one of those people that researches and really thinks about his patients - it's a puzzle to him. That's how law and almost everything that I can't figure out is to me. My gastroenterologist is the opposite. He kept forgetting which tests that I had already had performed, neglected to tell me that he was going on vacation for 12 days and not give me a doctor to see in the interim, and just has no drive whatsoever to find out what is wrong. I had already left my first gastro doctor, because he wouldn't listen to his patients when they would try to talk to him. How can you figure out what is wrong if you don't listen to your patients? It at least points you in a general direction or may give you a clue to figure out the puzzle. I watch that show on the health channel sometimes - "Mystery Diagnosis" - and that's happened to so many people. At least 35% of the people on the show telling his/her story end up figuring out what was wrong themselves - usually by researching the Internet.

I hate the show Elimidate. I don't know why I watch it sometimes when I can't sleep and am flipping through channels - it's like a bad accident or an operation televised on tv - I just have to watch it for a second. I just don't understand why the girls always attack one another or vice versa. It's so silly. I would never choose someone that has to attack someone to make herself/himself look more appealing. I'd choose the person that just acted like herself/himself. I can't see myself ever "fighting" for anyone regardless. If you have to fight that hard just to get someone to look at you in comparison to other people around - that person obviously isn't taken by you anyway.

Sara's picture isn't at the top now - my job is done.

"Hey pretty, don't you wanna take a ride with me? Through my world..."

I've decided that I'm too old for a puppy. I always tell everyone that I'm not going to be one of those "older" people that listens to music from 40 years ago and drives 25 m.p.h. on highway entrance ramps - because I don't want to get "old" in my mind - but, I've decided that I'm too old for a puppy (laugh). He's running around the room at 3:47 a.m. and chasing cats and picking up anything that he can find beneath my bed. He stole my skull necklace which must have fallen off my bed when I was umm...sleeping (yeah, that's it...grin) - I bought 3 necklaces on ebay to make up for the trauma and now I feel much better (hehe). I've got another sparkly skull necklace coming to make up for the one that he stole, a yellow and green dragon, and a pink sparkly spider.

By the way, that's Chester up above. The foster family that had took care of him until he was adopted named him Chester, because he always slept on their chests at night. He doesn't really do that anymore, but he follows me around everywhere and always sleeps next to me. He's my little ham with quite a wicked streak sometimes - he'll just be calm and all of a sudden get this look in his eyes and start turning over and over and then go after someone or some pet - anything he can do to start trouble ;) Maybe I like him so much, because he's so much like his owner (grin)

This weekend was full of ups and downs...(hehe - so I'm a perv...sue me). I got to dance, which I love, flirt with trouble, and hang out with a sexy man that always makes me smile. However, I drank, which was naughty naughty bad (grin)...it's really odd that I used to not be able to drink b/c it made me stomach sick but now anything I eat makes me stomach sick but I appear to be able to drink without too much discomfort. I think my body is inside out...or, is that outside in? Something like that...(grin)

The person...that person that always has driven me crazy not only is taken now...but also has a child...ouch. How can you see someone, and he doesn't mention that? He's obviously capable of something deeper and capable of affection - he just never wanted it with me. I wish sometimes that I could cut portions of my memory out.

I was thinking today that I don't know anyone that is very similar to me personality-wise. I don't know if this means that I'm nuts...or that I'm just not drawn to people that are similar to me. Most people don't understand me - I don't try to be this way this way on purpose; I just don't think that many people care anymore about getting to know someone deeply, intensely. It's more about just getting to know you physically. I'm very intrigued by certain people. If someone interests me, I like to get to know that person somewhat or it makes me insane. I don't need to know everything, because, then I'm going to get bored - but I have to be able to put some of the pieces together. I would like to talk to someone like myself - it would be fun to see if I drive people nuts when they talk to me which seems to be the consensus (grin).

Some of the women in my mom's art world want me to start some type of promotion for their art. It would probably have to be a website. I'm not sure if I can take this on or not - a little nervous. I know, ultimately, that I can do it - it's just a ton of time because I like something to be as perfect as I can get it. Is this marking the end of my legal career? I worry about that; I've always wanted to be an attorney. I'm good at what I can do - I can find a case or some type of argument to refute or support any contention. That's just what I do - researching is my forte. It comes in handy in other areas - but, I want to use it where I love to use it. I feel like this is marking some type of milestone in my life, and I'm not sure it's going in a direction that I want it to go. I know I have to take a detour for right now, because I have more off-days stomach-wise than on days - but it's making my mind twist, turn, and worry.

When I have to get out of my warm bed and get dressed at 8 a.m., it's going to hurt...

"I saw a fool just wasting time...not leaving anything real behind."

Weird day. I had to go to the ER Monday night. My roommate/best friend found me bawling from the pain, so he made me go. My blood pressure was 192/99, because of the pain - I don't think my blood pressure has ever been that high - no wonder I had a freaking headache too. I'm sick of going frankly. They always treat it differently. I received a Reglan and Pepcid injection and the infamous G.I. cocktail. I felt better actually; I fell asleep for 2 hours there. The Reglan is the evil medicine with the scary side effects that everyone wants me to take. I took one today; I don't really notice a difference yet. I felt pretty bad today.

On a lighter and happier note, I totally sold one of my mom's paintings off of her website for $1080 (we gave the women a discount since we wouldn't have to take out 40% gallery fees). Very excited - not only do I get a large cut of this amount, this was sold to someone overseas so now I can add to my mom's bio that she has sold paintings internationally in addition to nationally and locally. I never miss a plug to my mom's website - she's awesome: www.amyhillimler.com. We're trying to break into ebay to see what happens. I have one of her paintings listed right now, and we're going to try some collages at a low price for the holidays and see what happens. It looks like I'm becoming her business manager. At least my brain is being put to some use while my doctors don't lose any sleep for why my stomach hurts and my stomach acid is going crazy 24/7.

I have a new puppy. Like I needed a new pet (hehe...no, I don't mean it that way - I live in a freaking zoo without bars). My roommate rescued a puppy and brought him home - he's part chow. He appears to be fairly smart but wakes me up around 6:00 a.m. by pulling my hair with his teeth and biting my ears (the puppy not my roommate ). The little freak has SIX toes on each of his back paws. It's so gross - when he sleeps on his side he stretches out all of his toes and I just can't look at it...(laugh) He has been named "Six" accordingly

I've decided that I'm really sick of cowards. I can't stand people that can't or won't own up to things that they've done in the past. If you've done something cruel or indifferent and you want to come back around the person you've been cruel or indifferent to, just own up to it - say you're sorry - acknowledge it. You can't fix everything bad you've done in your life, but at least you can ADMIT to it or the fact that it happened. Cowards are the most patethic creatures in the world.

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy - I tried so hard not to - already hooked. The last show where the main character kept being described as "dark and twisty" inside made me think. I suppose I do have a "dark and twisty" side - that's not all that I am, but it's a side that people don't usually try to discover or pay attention to. I'm sure most people have some part of their personality or past that is like this - no idea.

I'm *so* addicted to a cult perfume oil company that I hadn't heard of until recently. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab has "dark" perfume oils that are a little wicked and have myths/stories to go along with almost every perfume. Some are shorter descriptions; some are lengthier legends. If you're a chickie, I'd really recommend these - they are perfume oils and just awesome. They actually do have unisex scents, such as scents that are more "smoke and fire" based. When you first put one on, it will smell one way and you can come back and smell your wrist (or, wherever you put it...hehe) later, and the scent has slightly altered itself because of your particular body chemistry. They last *forever* - I've put some on in the afternoon, and the next morning I could still smell it on me even after a bath. The Lab is madly popular, so orders are taking up to a month to ship out since each oil is made when ordered. I'm going crazy waiting (what the hell is patience anyway?). I've ordered some off of ebay, because I'm so impatient (grin) My favorite so far is 13 which is a mixure of basically mandarin and white chocolate. The description for this one is as follows (and, of course, is borrowed from the website, so I'll plug them too....this is starting to sound dirty....hehe. www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com )

Thirteen:

In our paean to all the mysteries surrounding this enigmatic number, there are thirteen lucky and unlucky components, including white chocolate, tangerine, currant, mandarin, white tea and iris.

13 is significant, whether you consider it lucky, unlucky or just plain odd. Many believe it to be unfortunate…

… because there were 13 present at the Last Supper.
… Loki crashed a party of 12 at Valhalla, which ended in Baldur’s death.
… Oinomaos killed 13 of Hippodamia’s suitors before Pelops finally, in his own shady way, defeated the jealous king.
… In ancient Rome, Hecate’s witches gathered in groups of 12, the Goddess herself being the 13th in the coven.

Concern over the number thirteen echoes back beyond the Christian era. Line 13 was omitted form the Code of Hammurabi.

The shivers over Friday the 13th also have some interesting origins:

… Christ was allegedly crucified on Friday the 13th.
… On Friday, October 13, 1307, King Philip IV of France ordered the arrests of Jaques de Molay, Grand Master of the Knights Templar, and sixty of his senior knights.
… In British custom, hangings were held on Fridays, and there were 13 steps on the gallows leading to the noose.

To combat the superstition, Robert Ingersoll and the Thirteen Club held thirteen-men dinners during the 19th Century. Successful? Hardly. The number still invokes trepidation to this day. A recent whimsical little serial killer study showed that the following murderers all have names that total thirteen letters:

Theodore Bundy
Jeffrey Dahmer
Albert De Salvo
John Wayne Gacy

And, with a little stretch of the imagination, you can also fit ‘Jack the Ripper’ and ‘Charles Manson’ into that equation.

More current-era paranoia: modern schoolchildren stop their memorization of the multiplication tables at 12. There were 13 Plutonium slugs in the atomic bomb that was dropped on Nagasaki. Apollo 13 wasn’t exactly the most successful space mission. All of these are things that modern triskaidekaphobes point to when justifying their fears.

For some, 13 is an extremely fortuitous and auspicious number…

… In Jewish tradition, God has 13 Attributes of Mercy. Also, there were 13 tribes of Israel, 13 principles of Jewish faith, and 13 is considered the age of maturity.
… The ancient Egyptians believed that there were 12 stages of spiritual achievement in this lifetime, and a 13th beyond death.
… The word for thirteen, in Chinese, sounds much like the word which means "must be alive".

Thirteen, whether you love it or loathe it, is a pretty cool number all around.

… In some theories of relativity, there are 13 dimensions.
… It is a prime number, lucky number, star number, Wilson Prime, and Fibonacci number.
… There are 13 Archimedean solids.

AND…
… There were 13 original colonies when the United States were founded.

Says a lot about the US, doesn’t it?

In our paean to all the mysteries surrounding this enigmatic number, there are thirteen lucky and unlucky components, including white chocolate, tangerine, currant, mandarin, white tea and iris.

I'm most excited about getting these 2 scents:

Gluttony (oh, leave me alone...laugh): Thick, sugared and bloated with sweetness. Dark chocolate, vanilla, buttercream, and hops with pralines, hazelnut, toffee and caramel.

Jailbait (I'm not...don't ask :P): Innocence defiled. Sticky pink bubblegum and the thick, sweet scent of orange and cherry lollipops smeared over a breath of heady womanly perfume.

I need to make the second one my theme song or something (hehe). That pretty much sums me up on most days

I'm going to try my hand at making my own perfume oils and solid perfumes. My mom purchased a book for me, and I've ordered the carrier oils and beeswax and some essential oils. We'll see what happens

The Black Phoenix oils have to be stored in a dark, cold place, and since I can't store them in the hearts of some people that I've known in the past, I'm painting an old, wooden, antique silverware box that my mom gave me to store them in. It's going to be an antiqued beige with a dragon painted on it, I believe. I may add a woman either holding a chained dragon or a woman riding a flying dragon. Stay tuned (grin).