"You must not know about me...I could have another you in a minute."

It's one of those nights where my head is just spinning, and I feel like I need to get things out of it - unfortunately, I can't find the right words. It's just been a blah day and a lot of things are bothering me. I have a friend that apparently can't be my friend anymore, because of decisions that he made in the past that he now regrets. I guess the only way that he can feel better about what he feels guilty about now is to shut out anyone that knew him when he made what he considers bad decisions today. I was really careful with this person, because he's the type of person that likes to make you feel good by saying nice things to you - I wasn't sure if he was saying things sometimes because he meant them or just saying things that he thought I wanted to hear. Either way, I guess his underyling motive was to make the other person feel good about herself. I just never fully trusted this person or couldn't let myself fully trust this person, because I knew some of the things that he said were just purely to make the hearer happy. He's leaving a lot of people that did care about him as a friend in his wake - and that bothers me - not just for myself but for other people that I care about that he's hurting also.

I think I'm losing my touch on reading people, and I hate that I care - but I apparently do. Usually I can tell when someone is into me - but I was way off this weekend. There's a fine line between flirting with someone to let that person know you're interested and blatantly just stating it - I'm just not direct like that - I like when people can pick up clues and just go for it. People that take the "easy" route don't interest me anyway, so I don't know why it bothers me. Maybe I'm just annoyed that I wasn't appealing enough ;)

I sold a bunch of "samples" of my Black Phoenix Perfume Oils to make some extra money, since I won't start getting a check until my hourly billing goes through - and I clumsily spilled one when I was decanting out of it. Not only did I lose half of a $20 bottle of perfume oil - now I'm drowned in the scent of chocolate, black cherries, and musk :P I took a bath, and I still smell like this (hehe). I think I'm stuck this way for a few days.

A friend came back into my life again that had disappeared for a long time. I don't know what to do with these people that seem to want to come back around me when it's convenient or when that person needs me in some way again. He claims that things in his life were such that he just couldn't focus on anything except for resolving the problems in his life. Wouldn't you need someone to talk to during that time? Is he just going to disappear again when he doesn't need someone to make him feel cared about? How many chances do you give someone? My automatic inclination is always stubborness - I never used to give people more than one chance. And, then I decided to give people two chances. I think this is a pretty fair place to stand - I don't really think that many people are worth more than two chances - especially if they do the same type of thing both times. Some people, of course, like my family members - are worth a million chances. He wants to see me again, and this concerns me for two reasons - one, I know I won't put everything of myself back into the interaction because, duh, I'm just not going to be blindly happy and then have it all go away again - and two, if I do, it's obviously going to send a message that someone can do this to me over and over - and I'll just take it.

I have to be up at 7 a.m. - I'm not even supposed to be going in to work tomorrow - I can officially hate Mondays again. My mom did the above collage - it's awesome of course ;)

"Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside..."

I'm officially an attorney again - go me, huh? ;) It's weird, because I've been one for awhile but you don't *feel* like what you are unless you're employed or practicing every day. It's like an artist without paints. An attorney in Conway hired me to handle his overflow, and I get to use his Little Rock office which is basically empty to either build a general practice or a research practice. I haven't decided precisely what I want to do yet, but it's a whole new feeling to have options. I actually get to keep my house now for the time being. I'm still supposed to sell my car, but I already know what I'm getting in place of it - a Mitsubishi 3000 GT VR4 - I had two 3000 GT's - never a VR4 though - it's the turbo version - and the 3000 GT's were my favorite cars that I ever owned - I even liked them way better than my Supra - I'm just glad the Supra is worth something, because it was the last year it was made and you can't find them easily anymore. It's about 4 months from being paid off anyway - thank god. It's weird going from having nothing that I *had* to do to having so many things that I need to do, that I can barely keep everything in line. I'm building another website for one of my mom's artist friends also and was considering pursuing this as a source of extra income. It really does drive me nuts though - legal work drives me fun nuts - hehe :) I have my own office - and I've already hung some paintings - my mom held onto a large painting with blues and turquoises that is just stunning for me for when I got an office again. She also bought me a pottery piece that picks up the blues in the painting, so it's just starting to feel like me. I just don't feel comfortable being somewhere for hours upon hours without something pretty to look at.

My previous roommate is moving back in - he's crazy - but, yet, another source of income. He's changed somewhat over the years and is comfortable to talk to and be around. Of course, he still has some of the same faults - but, for night now, everything is ok. I went to a party with he and my other roommate on Saturday and we misjudged the gas level of my car and ran out right when we got there. I was freaking out. The idea of being stuck out in the middle of nowhere with my cell phone in/out of range with no gas and no way to go anywhere was not really appealing :P I kept telling them we were all going to be butt-raped (hehe - why yes, I'm awful...I already knew this...grin) A kind man that owned the house let us borrow some gas - so we were able to make it to the next town to fill back up. Of course, after I found this out - I ended up drinking too much b/c I was so shaken. I've *never* fallen asleep in my car before (no, I wasn't driving...I'm silly and goofy but not insane...heh) - but this time I did ;) I did have to stop sleeping (being passed out...hehe) when we got gas and go to the bathroom and the women's bathrooms inside the station were just locked - so weird - multiple stall bathrooms lock? I had to go to the men's restroom - yuck - but the aforementioned drinking made it an absolute emergency (hehe). The stall I was in read "fuck me hard" - if you're going to write something on private property - you may as well come up with something original for the love of God. Needless to say, I've just spun in circles mentally today - I can't concentrate on anything and am supposed to be asleep,so I can get up early and concentrate on things. It feels like the hamster in my head just stopping running on his little wheel - flopped over on his back and passed out (hehe). Dirty little hamster :P

My hair is red again...with strawberry blonde highlights...(content sigh). Speaking of shopping (yeah, I know we weren't...hehe), I found some soaps that are just so *nice* - go ahead, click me - you know you wanna ;) The website is Villainess and I have now in my greedy, but surprisingly supple hands...hehe:

Dulces en Fuego:

Distinguishing Features:Cracked black pepper and cinnamon sprinkled throughout.

Characteristic Scent:Musky bitter chocolate sweetened with vanilla and touches of citrus then positively inflamed with black pepper and nutmeg.

Gloop:

Distinguishing Features:Skin-softening marshmallow crushed throughout.

Characteristic Scent:Fluffed marshmallow fudge.

These are *amazing* - way cheaper than LUSH soaps - which I really don't just love anyway and more moisturizing. Most of the scents are pretty useable by males or females. My roommate wanted to steal the spiced chocolate one (hehe). It actually does have little pieces of pepper in it - and they exfoliate - these rock - I'll be getting more unfortunately ;) And, I smell like chocolate marshmallows now (grin). (See you thought I was going to type something naughty here...see how wrong you are....smile)

"She'll let you in her mouth...if the words you say are right"

With all the things going on with the people around me lately – I’ve been thinking a lot about addiction problems in general. It’s so ironic, because one of the ways that they tell you to keep yourself otherwise occupied and to get your focus off of your addiction – is to focus on something else that you like – however, I can see how easily that other focus or even focuses could become addictions too – how can you ever really break the cycle? For example, I like sex way too much (hehe) and shopping if I wanted to choose two of my very favorites things (people?....grin) to do. So, in the past, if I try to cut down on the shopping – which makes me happy and gets me excited – then I seem to have sex more which, most of the time anyway, creates the same effect. And, vice versa – it’s a wicked cycle. Even worse for people with “deadlier” addictions – although, I guess any addiction can be deadly in some way or life altering. I guess the whole point is to balance all of the things you love and achieve moderation. Good luck with this (hehe). As an aside, I’m not mocking addiction – I’ve lived with someone and have befriended someone for years that has had health, job, and personal problems resulting from the gravity of his addiction – I’ve just been so stressed – that I need to let it out in humor.

I made pendants with corks that hold perfume oils for Valentine’s Day for my mom and my sister-in-law and ordered the oils *over* a month ago – and I still haven’t received them so we have to wait to celebrate V-day with family. On a side note, we had to wait anyway because my mom decided that she didn’t want to be here for her birthday which is also on V-day. She went to Vegas with her husband. I wrote an e-mail to the company about the order not being here yet, because she had specifically sent me an e-mail letting me know that they would be here well before V-day. I started getting worried that they were lost in the mail and sent her a message. She was like, oh yeah, I had this and this and this problem and they were mailed about a day ago (this was February 14^th) – I was so annoyed. She didn’t offer to refund my shipping or anything. I’ve sold enough things on ebay and dealt with people from my mom’s site to know this just isn’t the way that you do business. She should have sent e-mails to her customers prior to them having to contact her and offered some type of “apology” – either monetary or in extra product. If there aren’t a few free samples in the package – if I ever get it – I’m going to send an e-mail and request that my shipping be refunded. I wouldn’t be so annoyed if she hadn’t sent me a personal e-mail telling me that she was happy that I chose her website for V-day gifts and guaranteed that they would be here in time – good lord, I ordered them in early January. The pendants are pretty cool – you can wear them around your neck or hang them around your rearview mirror to make your car smell good. The cork diffuses the perfume oil, so that it isn't overpowering. I’ve made a fairy one, a heart one, and a moon one so far. I get frustrated with the wire – I don’t have a lot of patience with some things (hehe). And, then other areas – I have enough patience to drive other people crazy – whatever works :D I want my Valentine’s Day presents, damnit – I know my mom got a me a nightie that I really wanted – it’s fuschia and semi-sheer – with a corset type back that comes up higher in the back than the front – so it shows the matching panties. *Excited* :D (See, the whole shopping thing again…hehe…or is that shopping and sex-based? Not sure…grin)

I read another really cool tip on a website about wearing a locket with a piece of cotton in it that you dab in your favorite perfume oil or spray with your favorite perfume - I've done this twice already - I bought a necklace with a large heart locket that has a black rose and other pendants dangling from it - it's really a neat idea. You can smell your perfume all night - w/out your skin absorbing all of it.

I got my belly button re-pierced this weekend - hehe :) The piercer was funny; he kept trying to make me laugh, so I wouldn't be nervous.

Him: "I had a bad weekend...I blew "chunks" after I got home Friday night..."

Him: "I have a dog named 'Chunks.'"

Geez...it took me a minute - I was so nervous, that I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying - he was going through a whole comedic monologue...(laugh) Very happy about having it redone though - he used a bigger needle than the woman that previously pierced me . I was trying to be a trooper and not gasp :D I got a stainless steel ring this time with blue sparkly stones - I wanted something different. Now, if it will just heal - so I can use all the belly rings that I got for Christmas, and that I had already bought last year before the evil gallbladder surgery :P

"I want to swim away but don't know how..."

When do you give up on someone? When do you finally say enough is enough and just cut the person loose? I guess it’s subjective to everyone and every different situation, but I have a really hard time with making this decision. I find it extremely difficult to give up on another human being – especially one that I’ve been close to for a long time or entangled with on and off for a long period of time. I am getting tired of people telling me just to get away from him. He takes care of me when I don't feel well; he talks to me when I'm lonely. These people aren't offering an alternative - my mom is the worst - let's get rid of your car, your house, you get rid of him and then I'll be out of town half the year when you need someone - but I can be there for you, I promise. I know he's not good for me on the whole. I know that he could be, and has been, a better person. I just don't know what I'd do without my best friend. If he makes it through the whole 30 days of the program, I am going to give him one more chance. If he doesn't go into the program or falls right back into his previous lifestyle when he returns - that's the end of it. I have my own deadline - and this feels like the right thing to do.

My mother was incredibly rude to me on Monday. We had talked last week, and we were discussing all of the jobs that I’ve applied for – and I mentioned to her that I would probably have to go to a temporary agency this week and that I had heard of a newer one that seems to get results. My roommate/best friend was supposed to be checked into a 28-day program on Monday for his drinking problem. He’s finally admitted to everyone that he can’t stop. Before now, it’s always “I can stop any time I want to, etc…” Once you walk away from three jobs, lie about money, hide alcohol, have disturbing liver results come up from a blood test – you would think that would all finally add up and point to the fact that there is a problem. Regardless, this is the very first time that he has admitted to someone that he cannot stop, and that he needs help. He’s been sober for 3 excruciating days. He has to stay sober until they check him in, or they won’t check him in – a “bed” is going to be open this Thursday or this next coming Monday. I then have a 30 day reprieve to decide what I want to do. I swear if I felt better, I would just get out of here – go to a new state – a new start – just get out of here. I hate this state; I’m only staying because I’m licensed here and my law license is basically useless currently anyway. I called my mother to let her know that he wouldn’t be checking in until next Monday (she was going to catch up all my utilities and make plans so that I could find another house to mortgage and live in while he’s gone) – and she was asking me if I was ready to go to Staffmark. I have no idea what she was talking about. One, I never planned on going with her – I don’t need a babysitter – I’ve applied for two handfuls of jobs already. Two, I never even mentioned Staffmark. Three, I never mentioned which day that I was going to go – some require appointments. She just flipped out and started being rude – I have no idea what was wrong with her. She’s the one who promised that she and her husband would help me make small repairs and paint and clean up so I can sell this monstrosity of a house. She hasn’t been here one time in 3 months, since she made that promise. I guess her and her husband had some type of disagreement about the “situation” with me, and she decided to call and take it out on me right before she leaves for yet another vacation – this time leaving a day before her birthday which is on Valentine’s Day. This was just insane – I hate when someone gets mad at me out of the blue; I like to know what I did wrong. I got really upset and her new trick is to hang up on me, and then I leave a bunch of messages after she turns off her phone. After I calmed down, I think I slept for about 10 hours straight. She took whatever mental/emotional energy I had left and just squashed it. I don’t think I’ve ever slept that hard.

I’m making perfume pendants for Valentine’s Day for my loved ones. They are really sweet little vials with corks in which you can twist wire around them and attach beads – you put the perfume oil in them (the corks function as diffusers) and can hang these around your neck as a pendant or use in your car as a car freshener. Mine is going to have a black heart and rose on it. My sister-in-law’s has a butterfly. And, for my mom’s vial – I bought iridescent wavy leaves and natural looking beads. I was trying to make each vial for everyone’s specific personality.

I had a *really* good time at a Valentine’s Day party that I attended last weekend. This was the first time I’ve been feeling well enough to get dressed up, dance, flirt – and just be my silly self in general. I made the mistake of not eating (I didn’t want to risk getting sick…hey, I had a new dress…laugh) – and drinking on top of an empty stomach. The nausea scared me for a few minutes – but I danced it off. I even behaved :D (mostly…kind of….at least 65%...hehe). I’ve been wanting to try a lemon drop shot for awhile now – but the bartender didn’t put sugar around the rim like you’re supposed to in order to counter the sourness of the lemon juice – so I’m going to try one again at a better bar sometime ;)

There is another bath-oriented website that I like called Isle of Eden ~click here if you want to see~ - I ordered a whipped bath cream that is just the most decadent thing that I’ve ever slid over my body (hehe...note the word over...grin) – it’s a rich white chocolate scent and I keep trying not to use it, so I won’t run out. I also purchased a sampler of their perfume oils – I like the smell of the oils but they are just kind of “normal” in comparison to my beloved Black Phoenix Alchemy Oils – but at least I’ve learned some scents that I want to get body creams in – definitely definitely have never felt bath creams so rich – can’t wait to get more when I’m finally gainfully employed again. Some of the scents that I want to try in bath creams (descriptions borrowed from the site):

Can'tSleep, Clowns Will Eat Me!

You'll smell it all! Pink Cotton Candy, Funnel Cake, and Delicious Candied Red Apple! An Isle of Eden exclusive.

A Princess on 7 Strawberry Lane

7 Strawberry Lane™ + A blend of lady apple, water lily, mandarin meringue, golden apricot skin, sheer floral notes, touched with dark chocolate, and ending with pink frosting, amber, warm woods, musk, and vanilla. Adding 7 Strawberry Lane™ to this (already smashing scent) just made it even more amazing. An Isle of Eden exclusive.

Wolf Bait

Proof that little girls shouldn’t go walking through the woods alone. Based on “Little Red Riding Hood,” this scent is good enough to eat. It contains rich brown sugar, pink sugar, and yummy good sugar cookies, which adds just a hint of spice. What more would any wolf want? An Isle of Eden exclusive.

And, yes…I always smell good…(hehe)…want proof? ;)

"She'll let you deep inside...but there's a secret garden she hides."

I used to not speak my mind as much as I do now - I tend to tell most people how I think now - except for the really cruel things - unless someone really really deserves it (you know who you are...) Don't you wish you could go back and find all the people in the past where you wished you had said something different or said what you truly felt? In honor of this...

You: You helped someone that I loved. You took someone that couldn’t tell how he felt to anyone and helped him to open doors. His father suffered a fate, because he kept everything inside and wouldn’t talk about anything – his fears, his pain, his anxiety – he didn’t even know how to talk to his own daughter. I know you don’t like me very much, because I lovingly pick on you like the rest of my family – but I care about you, and I thank you. You changed his life for the better.

You: I wish I wouldn't have told your best friend that I didn't have a "crush" on you. I thought you were funny and irresistibly cute - your friend just asked me in front of everyone else, and I was so self-conscious that I thought he was setting me up - and then would tell me that you didn't like me. He told me that you did like me after I told him that I didn't like you "that way." I heard about the girl that stood you up for prom. I would never have done that to you.

You: I loved you, and you made it seem like you really cared or loved me – and then you just disappeared. I was convenient and what you needed at the time. Then, you had the balls to just try to come back into my life again, because you needed someone again. I needed someone the whole time – love isn’t convenient – love is joy, pain, uncomfortable, sacrifice, stunning and fascinating in its dualities.

You: I still love you, and I hate you. You didn’t choose me. What was wrong with me? Why were you so scared of something different that you went back to what you knew even though you “claim” to hate it? Why do you act like you’re so strong when you’re obviously not? You let her control you. You must love her, and it hurts for me to acknowledge that. I don’t want to see you anymore. Please don’t call. You’ve already called once past this decision, and it was so hard not to answer the phone. Please don’t call anymore.

You: I’m not sure you even merit even a paragraph – maybe a sentence or two. You’re immature. You lie, and you think people believe you – and you go around saying that the one thing that you are is honest. You’re worried people will judge you over superficial things – if someone is concerned about those things – those people aren’t worth your time anyway. Maybe one day you’ll grow up – you have a long way to go – if only you weren’t so interesting in bed.

You: You just disappointed me. I don’t know what to say to you. You’re not what you seem. I hate people that deceive others on purpose. I like straightforward, direct people – you don’t have to be Einstein – just be able to make me laugh, love me and don’t hurt me on purpose, be dependable, and be honest.

You: You hurt me the worst of all. You hurt yourself too, but I believe that you hurt me more, because I remember it all and you never will. You’ll never fully appreciate the words that were said and screamed, the embarrassment when I had to call my brother, mom, or the police, the pushing, the threats, the disappointment, the betrayal, the lies, the stealing – you’ll never fully appreciate how much you’ve taken from me. I hate who you’ve become. I try to say it’s not the real you – but it is the real you – you’ll never be how you were again – you can become someone better than now but you can never get back to where you were before. It’s a tragic loss.

You: You were a stranger that just called me a name in a department store. I was only 16 and very shy. I went over in my head so many times what I should have said to you - you said it under your breath so your mom or my mom didn't hear - I wish I would have went up to your mom and held you accountable for your rudeness and unbelievable gull - she probably wouldn't have cared b/c you probably had heard her say the same things about others. I'll never know.

You: You need psychiatric help even more than I do. You’re wounded, but you’re also a coward. I can’t fault you – I’m a coward a lot of the time too. We had conversations that just naturally flowed - hours would pass in the blink of an eye. We totally got along and were compatible but you’ll let what society and your “buddies” think of you and the pain you’ve suffered in the past determine who and how close you get to someone – I hope you find happiness one day. I had one amazing moment with you. I’ll never forget it.

You: You’re just clueless. I looked up to you for about a month – I just feel sorry for you now – putting your crude words and pitiful artwork online and bragging about it trying to pretend that you’re somehow less pathetic than the rest of us. True talent needs no boasting. You were wickedly cruel to me in a moment that I will never forget – my mouth fell open – and the saddest part is that it had no effect on you – you contacted me later and didn’t even remember how rude you were to me. You will never find happiness – you can only find happiness if you show who you really are to people, and people respond to the real you. You’ll never stop hiding behind who you wish you were to accept who you really are – I feel sorry for you sometimes.

You: You irrevocably changed someone that I love more than anything. If you can’t love someone without taking the most beautiful and precious parts of her personality away, then it’s just not love in my definition. You think you’re smarter than everyone else just because you’re older and that’s your downfall. Once you think you know it all – you cease to ever know anything else. You’ve done it to yourself. You deserve to suffer from it – but, because you think you know everything and you know what’s best for everyone – you’ll never even realize that you should be suffering – how wildly unfair.

You: I can't figure you out. I fell for you at one time, I don't feel that way for you anymore. I'm on the fence sometimes on whether you attract me or not. You're decent sexually, but you've just killed your mind so badly. I can't imagine dulling my mind to the degree that you have. When you kiss me, you used to not kiss me, I can feel the parts of you that care about me - the parts of you that want to be with someone that loves you and vice versa. I feel sorry for you sometimes. I've never kissed someone and felt his pain in the kiss. It hurts me for you.

You: You’ve lost so much of yourself, and I hate that and it’s not your fault – I don’t think you realize that it’s happened, but I still love you dearly. You’re getting older, and it scares me more than me getting older – I didn’t think anything could scare me more than me getting older. I look at you and still see a young person when you smile and we’re out laughing and doing things – I look at other people your age, and you sincerely do look so much younger - but every once in awhile, I see a glimpse of the wrinkles or hear you talk about something like not believing what number your upcoming birthday is, and I have to force myself to face that you’re getting older. Please don’t get older. I can’t imagine my life without you. You’re one of the only two people that I can come to if I can’t go to anyone else.

This is a small representation of the people that have had some lasting effect on my life. The one thing I've learned from going through this list is one, I'm in a pissy mood because my stomach isn't getting better as fast as I would like (if ever), and two, the most important one, is watch your words and actions. You can do such little things to people - even strangers, and it affects them and they remember for the rest of their lives. People need to be more accountable and conscious of the effect that they have on others. Take a minute and stop and think every once awhile - who have you hurt in the past? Who have you helped? Who could you help? I wonder who I've hurt other than the ones that readily come to mind - not surprisingly, a lesser number than the people I've allowed to hurt me. And, I'm sorry to those that I have hurt.

"If I could reach the stars...I'd give them all to you."

I’m so behind right now, that I’m not even sure where to begin – I hate this lost feeling. I’ve never really had this feeling – not counting the times that I’ve been sick with no explanation. I was healing fairly normally from my surgery and even had 5 days where I had very little pain – just a little twinge in my belly button – and then I developed a severe pain on my right side. I ended up back in the ER – they think that a stone was missed – so, I either have to somehow pass it (what? Do I talk it out of me?) or it would have to be surgically removed if the pain doesn’t subside. The pain is subsiding – the sharp pain on that side – but, I just feel generally bad. I had 5 days where I was totally back to normal – going out with my mom – applying for jobs – my energy level was going back up – shopping – trying on clothes – and, then I was hit out the blue.

I have to find a job. I have to find something, anything – just until I can find another legal job – I’m so behind though – I’m over a year behind everyone else now, because no one could tell me that it was my gallbladder that was causing all of my pain – every single day. I spent a year of my life, with brief intermissions, basically in bed – in pain. I’m so angry. I’m angry at the gastroenterologist that told my mom, the one that was helping me – taking me to all of the doctor visits, helping me financially, that it was all in my HEAD. He told her that it was just something that I was going to have to learn to live with – funny, that he exhausted all of the abdominal tests except for the TWO that would have alerted him to the fact that I had gallbladder stones – either an ultrasound or an abdominal catscan. Some people in my life are trying to talk me into filing suit against him – for the negligence in diagnosing me – I went through months of unnecessary pain, because he didn’t have the correct tests ordered. Even my family doctor knew the whole time that it was gallbladder. The first question the surgeon asked when I went to his office was did I have an abdominal ultrasound. My family doctor basically diagnosed me and suggested to me that I go back to my previous gastroenterologist and ask him to repeat the HIDA gallbladder scan to recheck my gallbladder function. If I wouldn’t have pushed ahead and gone back to my family doctor again and again and then went back to the gastroenterologist I was seeing before the one that gave up on me – I would never have known until my gallbladder ruptured. It just shouldn’t have to be that hard to find out what is wrong with you when it’s so simple of a problem. Millions of people have gallbladder problems.

I’m trying to find a writing job – I keep applying for jobs at the newspaper but receive no response – writing obituaries or editing copy – I would be good at any of that – and I am an English major not to mention all of the writing experience from 5 years of legal work. I have no idea how people get into the writing jobs – at magazines, newspapers – they just aren’t readily advertised. I just want to write.

I was reading a bio about one of the newer artists that I really like – and she’s only 25 and already has sold thousands of dollars of her work and has sold her designs to Hot Topic and numerous other “gothic” style stores and is putting out her own book with her art in it. What is wrong with me? Why am I not good at anything? I don’t know what to put my energy into – what energy I currently have – the only thing I seem to be truly good at is shopping. You can’t just find personal shopper jobs either. They aren’t even advertised. I’m making another website for one of my mom’s art students. This woman is very nice versus the other woman that was obnoxious when I helped her purchase and set up a new computer for her artwork – so this time it should go ok. I’m apprehensive though. I feel so much envy that it almost turns into resentment toward people that are successful now – whether I know if they had to struggle to get there or not. I know it’s not right – I know it’s not a rational feeling – it’s just there. I guess I’m just mad at life in general – b/c I was blind-sighted by this stupid stomach thing that started in 2000 and escalated until it got to how bad it was the last year. Success-wise – I was moving at the speed that I wanted until the stomach problems started. I had to postpone the first Bar exam that I was scheduled for, because of extreme stomach distress (that’s when I was first diagnosed with IBS). So, that postponed my future about six months – and, then I wasn’t “newly” graduated and most of the new jobs had been taken by students that graduated when I did. It just sucks – and I’m mad and there isn’t any way to fix it – but I’m still mad. I just don’t know how I can ever catch up. I guess I’m annoyed, because things just fell so easily to some people – I know people that haven’t ever really struggled – didn’t even really try – and they have good jobs and are happy and don’t have to worry about bills all of the time. And, I’ve tried over and over and bad things just keep happening. I just don’t know where to go from here, and I hate this feeling. But, I have to come up with something.

"Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud..."

I’m feeling a little bit better. I can get out of bed now without rolling out on my side, crying, and being wracked by the chills and chattering teeth. I really don’t get why people think this surgery is so easy – I’ve read other peoples’ posts on forums, and they are all talking about friends that brag about going to Starbucks the day after surgery – but that they are confused b/c they are in so much pain. Some idiot started this rumor. Probably, a boss that wanted an employee to come back to work a day after surgery. I'd like to find whomever started this rumor and kick the person and then run away (hehe). I’m down to 2-3 pain pills a day instead of 4-5. I actually had 2 small meals today instead of the one a day I’ve had since surgery. I feel kind of bad tonight; I overdid it a little. I wanted to go out and try to shop a little but getting in and out of the car is fairly painful right now. Plus, all the rain is not making things easier. Let’s not even talk about the ITCHING. Oh my god, it itches. It itches right now – it’s killing me – I want to scratch so badly.

I found another perfume oil website (hangs head in shame). The link is here: http://www.femaledictions.com/. I ordered (you knew I ordered some…don’t look at me like that…sticks out tongue):

Espionage: Black Vanilla Beans, Black Sandalwood, and Blackened Woods. “Can you be more well disguised?”

Charm Her: Raspberries and Roses slathered in a double coating of rich milk chocolate. “Make her one of us…”

Forked Tongue: Sugared cinnamon and various abominations. Smells like the “Red Hots” candy tastes! “Hot Stuff!”

Jugular: Cherries, Vanilla, and Muscadine Grapes. “Red and Purple spatter…”

This site is a little hard to navigate – I got irritated. But, I love the scent descriptions – a little wicked – just like me

I’m really annoyed with lots of people that didn’t give a crap that I’ve been going through a great deal of pain. I’m so disappointed in so many people. It’s just time to weed out the people that I interact with again. I wish people that message me would just READ ONE OF MY BLOG ENTRIES. People keep messaging me and typing dirty things or asking me if I’ve been out “partying.” No, I have not been anywhere but in bed and crawling out of bed when I absolutely have to pee – that’s been basically it. This whole topic is just making me mad, so I’m going to stop now.

My mom bought me a ton of groceries, and my brother has been calling to check on me everyday. My best friend has been helping immensely except for one night – he drank and he’s not supposed to be drinking – and it was a really bad night. It was the 2^nd night of healing, and I really needed help (I still have to keep an ice pad on my stomach, so that I can sleep – the twinges of pain and general aching are helped a lot by ice). My blood pressure has been super low – usually it’s not – and I tried to call my surgeon and let him know and he kept focusing on the fact that I take 2 separate blood pressure medicines (sometimes alternating b/c my dr hasn’t found one that doesn’t have bad side effects and is effective at controlling my blood pressure) instead of focusing on the whole reason that I called which is b/c my blood pressure is LOW. I’m not even taking my blood pressure medicine, and it’s low – that worries me. I’m supposed to contact my family dr on Monday – what a big help – I could be bleeding internally and he’s not concerned.

I’m really worried about the scarring/wounds. My stomach is a mess – I’m a mess – my hands are severely bruised from all the attempts to get the I.V. in and I have four spots plus my belly button that are incisions. These are going to take a year to heal; I look awful

I’ve started swapping with fellow Black Phoenix perfume oil lovers – this is pretty cool – I can trade the ones I hate for ones that someone else hates that I may love – this rocks