"When I grow up, I'll turn the tables."

Facebook is a weird creature. I've always liked interacting with people online, but Facebook has people from high school. I hated high school after tenth grade - the one person that always made me laugh no matter and who didn't judge me moved away. After that, it was a nightmare. People have added me that just didn't notice me. But, I keep "seeing" people that were outwardly rude or nasty to me. You don't ever lose that - you remember every word that was said to you in meanness. I still want to tell those people off after all of these years. The girl that said the most direct nastiest thing toward me during high school - it looks like her daughter is just as snotty as she was - and, this shouldn't please me, but it does in some juvenile way. When I was in eleventh grade, I walked into the bathroom one day while she and her friends were in there, and she said loudly enough so that I could hear her that "she hated me" and I was a "bitch" - which was really funny, because I didn't even know her at all. I'm sure when she disciplines her daughter for communicating nasty things to others that she doesn't even notice that she was *just like* that during high school.

I hate New Year resolutions - I refuse to make them. In my mind, I set my own personal goals throughout the year - I think that's acceptable. I keep putting off my pain doctor appointment. I have to stop taking the Lyrica - because of all the side effects (the weight gain/bloating, the lack of concentration and memory) - but it does helps immensely - both with my stomach and muscle pain. I'm so weary of trying new medications, and I feel like it's going to start all over again.

I wish people spent more time thinking and reflecting - analyzing how portions of their past affect their present and will affect their futures. Sometimes, I analyze too much - it's taken me a long time to learn how to turn that part of my brain off and just enjoy the moment. I like who I am now but not where I am - which thankfully is much easier to change. I went through a lot of stages to get to this point. I wish more people understood me. I don't think it's because I'm so complicated; I think it's because not that many people care to take the time - not just toward me - but for anyone - it all goes back to that whole "not taking the time to think about things" problem. People who just judge the surface find an impulsive flirt, someone who laughs and giggles a lot and makes silly jokes. If you go deeper, you find a loyal person - honest to a fault - someone who loves to flirt but who also saves all of the "good parts" for one person "at a time." Someone who can be a best friend, spontaneous, a good listener, a quiet companion, someone who stills wants to try all types of new things and who can make you laugh or smile in spite of yourself and is willing to make a fool of herself to cheer someone up - and someone that just needs a hug or a kind word at times. I have secrets, but not on purpose. I just have a difficult time finding the right people to tell them to. It cuts me to the core when the hardest things for me to talk about are used against me, and it seems to be a pattern in the past. I learned a long time ago to not say certain things during arguments. Some things can never be "erased" - you can apologize until the end of time - but that person will always remember what you said or what you did.

I've developed a fondness for stripey socks (hehe) I've never received more comments and compliments than when I wear my hot pink and black striped socks. I've lost one of my black and white striped socks which were my favorite (grumble...hehe) This man in Sam's Club yesterday actually told the person he was talking to on the phone to please hold just so that he could tell me that he loved my socks. I obviously know what not to wear on the days when I don't want to be noticed. I'm struggling with the whole clothing thing lately. On the one hand, I love wearing what I wear - fun socks, spider necklaces, low ponytails, bright eyeshadows, and shiny lip glosses, but people always think that I'm a lot younger than what I am. I worry that people won't take me seriously because of the way that I dress, but I would truly hate to lose how I feel like myself when I wear certain items. I don't want to dress "sedate" and classical. My mom teases me, because she says I dress eccentrically. I know how to dress "professionally" when I have to - my hair isn't pink - I don't have a million piercings - just certain clothing makes me happier than other clothing. Should you dress in what you love or what people expect you to wear at a certain age or in a certain profession even if you're not actively working in a professional setting at this precise moment? There are so many parts to me - I like to give attention to all of them :)

I've been fighting with trust lately also - when I meet new people, I know in my mind that each person should start off with a clean slate - but, how do I protect myself at the same time? The self-protection instinct always rises up inside of me - like a wall - so that I won't make myself vulnerable, fall for mistruths or deception like in the past - but, I don't want to ruin new interactions. I hate being fooled just because I put my faith or trust in the wrong people. I think I'm going to stay myself - where each "new" person that I interact with starts off as just that - a *new* person. I like that part of myself - that I have trust in people in general and that I think a majority of people are basically good. I don't think I can give up the excitement, happiness, and the act of smiling for no reason just to protect myself in case someone hurts me again in the future - which would probably happen no matter what I do regardless. I would think that most of the new people that interact with me are probably taking the same chances on me.

Christmas List!!

Dear Santa:

This year has had way more downs than ups. I've lost some of the most important parts of my life this year, and I'm still reeling from it. I've been so sick that I actually missed my brother's birthday, and I'm afraid that I won't ever live long enough to feel like I can make it up to him. I am very thankful for the kindness of my family; I don't know what I would do without them. I made a super long birthday list, so most of this will be repeated - I'm just kind of at a loss because most of the things that I would choose would be based on my being able to smell - which I can't any longer. Here we go...

(1) The health and happiness of my family (both furry and non-furry - Bob - you're a furry...hehe)

(2) Villainess Smack! I still need soft soap that cleans in the tub, and bath creams are the softest on my skin. I can still smell a little vanilla - and would love one "dirty, naughty" one (like vanilla x 2, unearthed x 2 in same jar) and one separate "fun" one - you can choose up to 4 scents in each Smack! jar. I'll leave the fun one to Santa's imagination. Please please please!

(3) Professional grade floor steamer - not for carpets but for wood floors. I really need this the most of all to clean the floor with - I'm spending a fortune in cleaners, and this just uses steam and water. It's the only way that I can deep clean the wood floors at this point.

(4) Artwork and/or clay or ceramic pieces made by my family.

(5) A Snow, Glass, Apples' locket from Black Phoenix - this would have to be ordered a.s.a.p, because the Trading post is slllooowww. I sold the locket that Brad gave me, because I didn't want to think of him every time that I wore it, so I would love one to replace it. It's sterling silver and hand-crafted: http://www.blackphoenixtradingpost.com/neilgaiman.html

(6) I'm especially into skirts, dresses, and corset tops from Torrid.com right now! Sizes:

Skirts: 3 or 24
Dresses: 3 (if stretchy), 4 (if extremely fitted - like cotton) (These are junior plus sizes)
Tops: 3 or 24 if stretchy - if a corset, it has to be a 4! I love the corset tops - if you sign up for their mailing list, Bob - they'll e-mail you when they have 50% sales - and the corset tops are only $19.00 on sale. Plus, you can find these on ebay - the vintage ones are also to die for!

A gift certificate would work too (:

(7) A light-weight hair dryer. One of my hair dryers had to be thrown away - the other is smoking :o I like a super powered one!

(8) Something meant to be sprayed in the hair to make my hair smell nice - I used to have a white chocolate spray from Isle of Eden - but their orders take too long to get it in time for Christmas. (They have an "Isle of Eden" forum where you can sign up, Bob - and post an "in search of" for products - these would be mailed by individual buyers and would get here in time) Maybe Bobby can find another company online that sells sprays that are hair-safe? :) I like "neutral" scents for my hair that will go with other perfumes - like chocolate or vanilla.

(9) Funky knee socks or slightly over-the-knee socks - they have to be super stretchy not thick socks or they won't fit (I tried to buy thicker socks from www.sockdreams.com and they didn't fit :( They say in the notes whether they fit larger women - for each brand/type. Also arm warmers = love!!!)

(10) 2 Nightstands (thrift shop or flea shop) that I can paint or that are painted for me (: (I'm going for a silver look in my bedroom)

(11) Cat Tower

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=350218936335&_trkparms=tab%3DWatching

Ebay has a lot of good deals on them - bigger than local ones and less expensive - who knew?

(12) Mini-stereo with bass - the little stereos like at Wal-Mart and Best Buy where all 3 pieces - 2 speakers and unit are bought together, but loud! Bob knows! (+ need cord or ability to plug my IPOD into it and play CD's)! I only have my IPOD dock and it's really quiet - I left my boombox/little stereo at the other house (CD deck was broken anyway - it wouldn't eject most of the time) I need some bass!!

(13) Tarte Treasure Chest from Sephora - I can never get too much make-up! http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P247380

(14) Love Etsy jewelry! I'm really coveting a "tattoo-style" necklace - you can just type that in and they will come up - but I love anything with skulls, spiders, Hello Kitty, zombies - you know how I am - hee!

"You loved me 'cause I'm fragile...when I thought that I was strong."

So many things going on inside my head lately - that I'm just having trouble sorting it all out and getting it out. I'm having the worst time with my cats. Two are already losing a lot of weight - the steroids are stimulating their metabolism, so that they'll eat - but, they aren't gaining any weight. The kitten that I am so attached to - the orange one - who crawls up over my arm every night - he stopped growing about a month ago. He is most likely the carrier. Part of me irrationally wants to be angry with him for making all of my other cats sick - and eventually, probably, killing some of them. And, part of me just keeps holding him and crying - because I know he'll be gone within the year. This is one of the worst things that could ever happen to me. My pets are my family; they just are - no matter how many "huntin' people" and non-pet owning people that there are around me that will *never* understand - they still are my family - it's like losing pieces of my family and pieces of me.

The only medication they have ever found for my acid reflux that works - the most expensive medication I take ($400 a month) - my medical coverage won't cover - even with a physician letter stating that this is the only medication that has ever worked. At least it's making me lose weight, I guess that's good for me. But, being sick all of the time - and having that acid reflux lump in my throat and all of the burning in my back and chest - it's just wearing on me. I'm taking quadruple the dose of another prescription acid medication, and it's barely even touching it.

I'm done with Lyrica - it helps my IBS immensely and is the only medication that helps with my Fibromyalgia muscle pain - but the bloating, weight gain, the fogginess, and the depression - it just has to go - I can't deal with the side effects of it anymore. I tried to stop taking a few weeks ago, and it almost killed me - I'm determined to try again.

I have an appointment with my gastro doctor this month. To get rid of the acid reflux (since I can't afford $400 a month for the medication to control it), it's either acid reflux surgery or maybe even a gastric bypass - I'll do anything at this point. I'm so tired of it - my mom has it too - and she's thin, so it scares me. But, when I lost a lot of weight after my gallbladder started failing, it got a little better right after surgery (I don't know if it was from the weight loss or from the fact that I had an evil gallbladder inside of me wreaking havoc). I hope he'll just work with me - I'm ready for this part of my pain to be over.

With past relationships, it seems like you always give yourself a set time to grieve and then promise yourself that it's over. You look at those pictures - the ones where both of you are smiling - and then the goofy ones where you catch him doing something silly - and smile and remember how good it all was at that time. You cry. You isolate yourself. And, then you tell yourself that it's enough - it's time to heal. And, then you encounter new people to talk to or a person or persons that end up not being what you expected, and it seems like it just negates all of the healing that you already went through. Why does it have to be so hard? You have to wonder if you've had one or two people that you would have wanted to spend a very long time - if not the remainder of your life with - if that's it for you. It certainly seems like I've had my "share" already. Some people go through their whole lives with only one person that they find like that - and that's the only one that they ever find. I found three in the past - one didn't want me for anything more than things of a physical nature, one decided alcohol was more important than I was, and the other wanted me - but, then I found out that there were so many parts that he was keeping hidden about himself from me - that who knows if he was ever the person that I thought him to be in the first place.

And, I love the people that start off really talking to you and having intimate conversations with you - and then everything changes the minute anything sexual happens. I don't understand this; I guess I need someone of the opposite sex to explain it to me. There have been only two people that I ever had good enough sex with (and one is borderline) to sacrifice someone that I could really talk to for adding a sexual component - I guess it's not the same with everyone. But, people that you can really talk to are few and far between. Those are the people that understand you - the people who are there for you no matter what - whether you look pretty that day or you're just in bunny slippers, ponytails, and a nightshirt. Once sexual things enter a relationship, does that up the stakes for some people in terms of being able to have their feelings or their pride hurt more easily? I'm not like that, so I guess I don't know how it is for everyone. Once I tell people personal things - share information that I wouldn't have told many people - then, I become personally invested. Sex is sex - most people will have sex without too many restrictions or guidelines - telling someone private things about you - that is when you become vulnerable - that is when someone can cut you to the core. I've only found one person to do that with - tell things about myself that I wouldn't tell anyone but my family - over the summer - so, he could hurt me - but I haven't found anyone else to risk sharing that part of myself with - so, I think I've chosen pretty wisely so far.

"One must desire something to be alive."

Random Facts about me or things that I've learned about myself lately:

(1) I'm a "Golden Girls" addict - I'll watch it anytime, any place - it's my comfort show.

(2) I worry that my mom and I won't ever be as close as we used to be - and that she won't ever be proud of me again.

(3) I've discovered that I'll let people that aren't very close to me share in my happiness and flirtations - but that I'll hardly let anyone share my pain.

(4) I've never been afraid to open my heart before - I've always taken the risk, but lately I feel like it's in a cage, and I've lost the key.

(5) I'll always wish that he had chosen me instead of her, but now I'm learning to accept that I can't change this and it's a waste of my time to put any energy into thinking about it. I consider that progress.

(6) I don't care about what my ex-boyfriend is doing at all; I thought I'd care more.

(7) I hardly ever make eye contact with people. I get scared that people will be able to see the pain behind my eyes - or that I'll finally meet someone that can see right into my soul.

(8) I've learned that I'm not quite at the level that I want to be with self-acceptance; I've decided that it's a life-long journey, and I'm here for the entire trip.

(9) I believe that one day things will get better.

(10) I miss having a standard - I'm really good at driving a stick.

(11) I've learned that sex never equals attraction; sometimes it just equals opportunity.

(12) People surprise the hell out of me sometimes; I love when someone surprises me in a good way.

(13) I want more than anything else for someone to want to understand me and for someone to learn how to understand me - but it also scares me to death.

(14) I've watched Christmas Vacation at least 50 times in my lifetime.

(15) I love hip-hop music - it always lifts me up - and it always makes me want to dance.

(16) I went to a strip club for my last birthday - at my request.

(17) Some people that I've reconnected with from high school - it's really interesting and enjoyable to see how they are now, see their beautiful children, and read about their daily lives - but some people that add me - they were the same people that ignored me, didn't see me at all, or made rude comments about me to my face or behind my back. Those people may have forgotten that, but I never will.

(18) Sometimes I like to listen to sad songs and just cry - to let everything out, so I can get over it and move on.

(19) I was verbally abused by an alcoholic for years; it's taken me many years to try to heal from this - I'm not even close yet.

(20) I lost one of the most important dreams that I've ever had - I try not to think about, because it makes me feel groundless.

(21) I talk to my animals constantly - they love it and most of them run to my bedroom when they hear me talking to one of them or "dancing" and cuddling with one of them.

(22) I hate to wear shoes; I'd rather be barefoot all of the time.

(23) I want someone to save and for that same person to save me.

(24) I sometimes forget to put more (some...hehe) clothing on, before I open the back door to let the dogs out.

(25) I'm still surviving.

"All art requires courage."

Top Fairy: Fawn, the Frog Fairy
Middle Fairy: Emily, the Goth Fairy
Bottom Fairy: May, the Rain Fairy

"Don't you mess with a little girl's dream cause she's liable to grow up mean."

I fell in love with another new scent (grumbles):

Plastic Pink Flamingo: Vigilant day-glo guardians of lawn and patio, stalwart protectors of the home.

Pink sugar-crusted marshmallow, dandelion, and sap.

This goes pure sugary, gooey, melted marshmallow on me - like when you're trying to roast marshmallows and you accidentally get some stuck on your lips or your fingertips - that's the feeling, the smell - I wanted to lick my arm (thank god I didn't apply it somewhere else, huh? hehe)

What a day.

My roommate is being a heathen. I'm trying to push him, because he has to respond to everything challenging his former unemployment claim before July 2, 2009. I gave him an Affidavit form for his former co-worker; I've written so many letters that I've lost count. He just wants to let me handle it where he doesn't have to do anything. I hate when big corporations think they can squash other people by lying. His former manager filled a state form with just lies - fraudulent, punishable by jail time and/or a fine, lies. How can that not bother him? I wouldn't be able to take it. He asked me to help him initially, but now he isn't working to complete it in time. It's the principle to me at this point, and it's not even my "battle."

After a lot of thinking over the past few months since I left him, I now know that my ex only pretended to be what it was that he thought I needed in my life at the time that he slithered into it - someone to love me and want me for more than just sex. I just wasn't aware he was so deceitful at the time; I had no reason at that point not to trust him - other than just a general mistrust of human beings in general, which I've been trying to change about myself. Now that I know what type of person that he is, I realize that he's just going to put on a different face for each person that he's trying to pursue - the "knight in shining armor" for me (which is really ironic because he takes position one or two depending on my mood for "best sex ever") - the "Mormon" now for the 21 year old virgin Mormon - and there is no telling what other masks that he's worn in the past or will wear in the future. Who is he really? I wonder that sometimes. Does he even know who he is - at the very core of his being? This is the person that I wish I could get a chance to talk to for a few minutes - even if it's a rotten person - I wonder if anyone has ever met the "true him."

At least most of the men I've met in my past, after the 12 year relationship, were fairly up front about our "relationship" or "encounters" - I was their "fling" not their "friend" - the doors to other possibilities were closed before they even had a chance to get to know me. I try not to do that with people anymore. After I talked with a faraway friend recently that popped back into my life, I realized that I was closing the door on people that didn't immediately make my head spin or my toes curl - and maybe I was discounting or writing off a lot of people that would have been lifelong friends or more. Maybe the head-spinning and toe-curling would come later. Maybe the people that made physical things happen to my body just with a glance or a touch were the people in which all I would ever have in common with was the sexual attraction. I've tried to mend my ways, but I guess I can't force others to leave all the doors open. There is no better way to limit life and its possibilities than by deciding the slots the people fill before you even get to know them wholly. I don't want to do that - I want to leave everything open. I want to have a million possibilities - the more possibilities that exist - the more of a chance that something wonderful will happen or something that you didn't expect will happen - one life full of endless possibilities - that's what I'd like my life to be like - because, I'm tired of looking at closed doors even if they are doors that I never would have peeked inside anyway. I'd just like to have the option instead of having so many things decided essentially "for" me. It especially ungrounds me when someone pulls something out from under you that you weren't even thinking toward anyway - but then you can't stop wondering why that wouldn't be ok with someone like you. You start wondering what precisely is wrong with you where that scenario wouldn't be ok - when you weren't even trying to reach that plateau. I guess it's like when you're a little kid and someone tells you that you can't have something - and it never really mattered until you heard that couldn't have it - or until you heard the word "no" because then your little mind just wanted to touch whatever you weren't supposed to touch or do whatever you weren't supposed to do just because it was off limits. My grown up mind just wonders why I'm being told that I can't do something - or that something wouldn't ever be available to me - and what that says about me - even though I was never trying to reach the "top shelf" or "throw the stupid ball" in the house anyway.

Have you ever wanted to make a grand change and even though you "can" do it at some point - right now you realize that you don't have the tools, the constitution, or resources to make that change *right* now? You still want to get excited and start thinking toward that change - even though you haven't a clue what that change will be. I guess actions can follow a change in mindset. I certainly don't want to repeat some portions of my past. But, I'd like to take the best of my past with me into the future and then just make the rest up as it happens. My mind has been reeling and spinning all day long; I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. Ironically, another scent that has seemed to capture an interest:

Spinning Multicolored Metallic Pinwheel: Polycarbonate and metallic film monuments to domestic whimsy, whirling merrily in the summer breeze.

Raspberry, lime, blueberry, tangerine, lemon, juniper, and white grape.

Maybe the decants that arrived today for me to test are trying to tell me something.

"Art is the only way to run away without leaving home."

New fairy canvases this week - I'm trying to "re-stock" my Etsy Store!

Meet: Gardenia, the Garden Fairy (above), Darwinia, The Dragon Fairy, and Fiona, the Flame-Haired Fairy :)