"Maybe when the circus comes...I'll buy you bubblegum."

Ohmygod - I'm getting my package back! I don't have to drive 3 1/2 hours times 2 - nor call the police department when I get there or anything. My sweetheart of a friend was "allowed" to come and pick it up from my ex's porch. I can breathe again I was so worried, and my Switch Witch was worried - it made me almost not want to join the next round and the Halloween round is my absolute favorite. I love Halloween! I haven't decided what I'm going to dress up as this year. Last year, I was a naughty schoolgirl and a wicked fairy the year before that - so I think I'm going to be something sweet this year (yes, I love Halloween - I'm a big kid, now leave me alone...hehe)

The Black Phoenix Alchemy Halloween oils went "live" tonight - I, being the addict that I am, had to stay up until they were posted. I ordered two bottles right off the bat (hehe - bat - get it?!)

(1) Graveyard Dirt came back! I couldn't believe it - I had just fallen in love with it and was about to go searching for it- and now it's right here for $17.50 - finally, a bit of luck for me (grin)

(2) Sticky Pillowcase

Terminal sugar rush. A little goblin's candy bag, upended. Smushed candy corn, rock candy dust, marshmallow gunk, strawberry goo, spun blue sugar, globs of salt water taffy, and lint.

Oh, c'mon - you already knew I had to order that one! I also ordered decanted vials/samples of about 10 other scents - there are so many to choose from - I dare anyone to go look at them and not be intrigued (grin) She put out a "Sleepy Hollow" line this year - it's awesome how she captured the characters or scenes with the perfume notes - I can't wait to sniff all of them (hee!)

I left a message for my ex thanking him for stopping the games with regard to my package; however, I was told that he had put a piece of furniture that is mine outside. That's so silly - he has 2 empty rooms and a garage that is hardly full - he just did it out of spite. How long can someone hold onto that amont of anger before that person looks inside of himself? How long can everything be someone else's fault or a result of someone else's problems? Seriously, if all these people that are "healthier" than people that you used to hang out with are all disappearing - and the people that caused a lot of drama in your life in the past are right back around - that means something. I am so glad that I am not afraid to look within myself. I know the mistakes that I've made; I respect the past - and try to learn from it. I don't try to hide from my past or pretend that it didn't happen; the minute that you do that - you are destined to repeat it. I'm hoping this means that I can officially start moving on and healing. I'm ready for some fun and less stressful days.

My new dress came in the mail and it is made of win! It's much shorter than usual for me, so I'll need some extra daring to put it on (hehe) I'm sure I can find some extra daring somewhere in me (grin)

My roommate is back home from the hospital and is returning to work tomorrow - he's feeling much better - I'm glad he's home.

"Something careless about your smile...you're unfolding right before my eyes"

Long long day.

My roommate is in the hospital.

My mom is out of town.

My ex-boyfriend is refusing to return a rather large package that was delivered to his house by mistake. I have to file a police report (seriously, huh!) just to get it returned to me. I called and left a message asking him where I should send the $12 to have it sent back to me. He refused to call me back. His former best friend called him - he said he can have it when I pay him $250 - he had purchased tires for my car to help me get back home (I had a tire go flat over and over) and then I did over $500 in hourly fees of legal work for him. I drove up almost every other weekend to see him; I put all of the money into it. He has only given me $80 of the legal fees toward what I have done (multiple letters, phone calls, research, and legal advice). I kept asking if I needed to pay the tire money back, and he kept saying "don't worry about it." Now, I have to contact the police department and try to retrieve a package that is addressed to me. If he even opens the package and tampers with anything, it’s a violation of Federal law. If he feels that I owe him money, he has to sue me civilly (and, in turn, I will counter-sue for legal fees owed) - it’s insane because he will end up owing me more than he claims that I owe him. He is not legally allowed to hold my mail hostage, because he claims that I owe him money.

The worst part is that the package is my Switch Witch gift, and she’s waiting for me to post regarding what I received - she even made something for me! I have the delivery confirmation record of where the package was delivered and have two witnesses that can sign Affidavits that the package was left at his house (the postal worker and his former friend) - so, I’m definitely on the side with the evidence to support my claim - it’s just such a silly thing to do and so petty. I even left him a goodbye present when I left! It had a CD in it that he had asked me to make - a CD of songs that reminded me of him or us - two books (Interview with the Vampire and an anger management book) - cookies - candy - and a card saying goodbye. I’ve tried to diffuse the text messages going back and forth by changing my cell phone number and asking my roommate, if he was, to quit stirring up trouble. I saw the text message that my ex-boyfriend sent to my roommate’s phone. My brother couldn’t believe he was doing this - he said that he seemed like such a nice guy but that he must have been able to hide it for awhile. My whole family is very disappointed; everyone thought he was such a nice person. I don’t know how you could not notice how many good people were disappearing from your life and/or disappointed in you and your actions and think that maybe it’s a sign that you’re not doing something correctly and that it’s time to make a change. I don’t know what kind of world that you would be living in where you were always right no matter how many signs read “wrong way - do not enter.” It’s very sad. If not receiving the gift wouldn’t hurt my Switch Witches’ feelings, I wouldn’t even care at this point - but she worked really hard to make my gift - there was some type of project that she did a couple of times before she got it right.

I’m trying a new medication this week, after my roommate gets back home safely, that is supposed to help my stomach pain - keeping my fingers crossed.

Someone complimented me on my new hair color and haircut today! Yay! I was so worried, because it's so bold - it's red on top and shorter on top and then black underneath on the very bottom layer - but I still have all of the length in back. The roommate promised to get a good picture of it when he is feeling better and is discharged from the hospital. It's really cute in a ponytail, because little pieces stick up at the base of the ponytail and then the ponytail is mostly black and then red with a peekaboo black piece on the crown. I received the shipping notice on my new dress too - yay for me!

"When I'm able to walk, I'm the Queen of my world."

I have a tracking number for my Switch Witch present! Why what is a Switch Witch you ask? It's like a secret santa but better - hehe - I'm a member of a perfume oil community where perfume is just a small part sometimes - it's just the most awesome group of people. You join the round and fill out a questionnaire and a secret person gets to know you and you do the same for someone else. And, then you send little packages, e-cards - whatever strikes your fancy to your secret witchee. It's really fun, and I have a package coming! (hehe) I've already finished witching my witch (hehe - say that 5 times fast!)

I've been reaching for much different oils than I normally do - usually I'm a bubblegum, foodie scent type of girl - I guess it's because I'm going through a lot of changes right now. I've fallen in love with these two Black Phoenix oils:

Whip: Agony and ecstasy: black leather and damp red rose. (Usually, I detest rose scents but ohmygod this smells good on me - flowery with a big slap of naughty - must get more of this!)

Graveyard Dirt: A tribute to a somehat nefarious and truly notorious ingredient in New Orleans spellcrafting. It is employed in hoodoo rootwork for various reasons, primarily in spells of protection, “tricking” your enemies, binding, and even love magick. The graves are chosen based on the type of working, and are determined by the type of spirit that lies there and the manner of their demise. Payment is always required in the form of offerings to the deceased. This is the scent of pure graveyard dust, spattered with grave loam and dusted lightly with tombstone moss.

(I do *not* like scents with dirt notes in them - ever! But, this goes freaking wicked chocolate on me - a down and dirty, sexy chocolate. I adore this - which is not good because it was discontinued in 2005 so is very hard to get - I got lucky and snagged a couple of vials).

He called tonight to tell me that my roommate sent him a text message. I'm like, you're a big boy - handle it yourself - I'm not responsible for what my roommate does or doesn't do. He claims he's going to file a complaint about him - go for it! Just don't call me whining about it - because I just don't care - I had to deal with his crazy exes contacting me and befriending my ex. I'm sick of all the drama. I almost didn't pick up the phone; I probably shouldn't have - some part of me was hoping that he had something nice to say like "hey, I realized how dumb it was to not do one little thing for someone that loves me with all of her heart and soul so that she'll feel safe living with me." I'd like to write the script for my life for just one week - seriously.

I'm part of a necklace swap where I have to make a necklace for a secret swapper - how do I get myself into these things?! I wish I knew someone locally that could teach me beading; I would love to learn how. I think for now I'm going to get some metal clay and sculpt a centerpiece necklace - it seems the closest thing to my current skill set.

My Snow, Glass, Apples perfume is coming this week too with a limited edition copy of Neil Gaiman's short story of the same name. I was lucky to snag the set (a limited edition chapbook and the accompanying perfume) - they sold out in a day - did I mention that I love love love packages? (yes! all kinds....hee!)

Snow, Glass, Apples: It's supposed to smell like "sexy, vampire apples"- here's the intro--

She said nothing. Her eyes were black as coal, black as her hair; her lips were redder than blood. She looked up at me and smiled. Her teeth seemed sharp, even then, in the lamplight.

"What are you doing away from your room?"

"I'm hungry," she said, like any child.

It was winter, when fresh food is a dream of warmth and sunlight; but I had strings of whole apples, cored and dried, hanging from the beams of my chamber, and I pulled an apple down for her.

"Here."

Autumn is the time of drying, of preserving, a time of picking apples, of rendering the goose fat. Winter is the time of hunger, of snow, and of death; and it is the time of the midwinter feast, when we rub the goose-fat into the skin of a whole pig, stuffed with that autumn's apples, then we roast it or spit it, and we prepare to feast upon the crackling.

She took the dried apple from me and began to chew it with her sharp yellow teeth.

"Is it good?"

She nodded. I had always been scared of the little princess, but at that moment I warmed to her and, with my fingers, gently, I stroked her cheek. She looked at me and smiled -- she smiled but rarely -- then she sank her teeth into the base of my thumb, the Mound of Venus, and she drew blood.

I began to shriek, from pain and from surprise; but she looked at me and I fell silent.

(borrowed from the lab)

So excited...now, if only I could sleep - apparently, the pain and stress of the past few weeks are wreaking havoc with my sleeping schedule.

"It's nothing but time and a face that you lose. I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose."

Oh my god, I just never get over how sexy the voices of 50 Cent and Petey Pablo are - I swear I could have an orgasm just listening to them (hehe) Of course, I'm always a sucker (no pun intended) for the geeky guys too - and the edgy (tattoos, piercings...hair standing straight up all messy-like) guys - yeah, giving up - I like all types of men. They have to have *something* though - a sexy grin, the ability to make me laugh - something that catches my attention. A few pretty words does nothing for me.

I'm going to a "back to school" party later in August. I can't decide whether to dress up like a school girl (I have before for Halloween) - or just get a slammin' dress (hehe) I could use the dress again which would be a plus. But, I have my eye on a short plaid skirt and a loose tie with a low-cut white button-up top - Decisions Decisions.

Almost all of my belongings are safely back where they were should be resting. I hope his heart is as empty as his walls are now. He tried to behave most of the time that I was there - because a friend and my roommate went with me - he started cracking at the end. First, I had a couple of movies that I had sent to his house directly from the shippers, because I wanted to reassure him that I was coming up there - and wanted to share things with him. I took both of these movies out (Matchstick Men and Shoot Em Up for the curious) - and he starts saying "I thought you bought those for me." Whatever - I had already told everyone in the car that would happen - so it was actually kind of funny in a way that he is so predictable. My sanity and heart are worth way more than two movies. Then, I came in and couldn't get the door to shut all the way (the inside door - the glass door was securely closed all the way) - the inner door has a broken handle and if you shut it all the way - it won't open from the outside so I was trying to be careful so I could keep going in and out. It bounced off the frame and before I had a chance to get it to close slightly, he started being rude about losing "air conditioning" (note: the glass door was closed tightly). My friend (who used to be his best friend, by the way) came in and left it wide open, and he didn't say *anything* to him.

Me: "Hmm...you'll complain to me about leaving the door open but not say anything when someone else does it."

Him: "[to friend] Could you please close the door, because it's letting cold air out [note before he even finishes the sentence that he just sighs and starts to get up and close it himself like two other adults are children and can't close the door]

It should also be noted here that my friend commented later - and he was correct - if he wouldn't have just sat there and not offered a hand - and then tried to be nice and talk to everyone that it would have gone much smoother. But, he was just sitting on the couch playing with his phone trying to look really busy like he has 300 other friends that need his attention.

Me: "If you start being aggressive or negative, I'm going to call the police, so that I can get the rest of my stuff."

Him: "Call the police, bitch" <=== OHmygod, yeah - his anger problem is under control - huh? Hehe.

I thought he said that the next time he had an outburst or called someone a name that he would get psychological help. It's funny how things work out sometimes. If anything, he's just cemented that I made the appropriate decision. He couldn't even not call me a name in front of someone else.

Other comments made:

(1) Do you want me to delete you from my phone?
(2) Are you getting back with your ex now? And, then some comment about how that would be stupid.
(3) You can't even be nice and talk to me.

Just for the record, as I told him, why am I going to be nice? I'm not going to call him names or lash out at him, but I'm not going to sit there and put a fake smile on my face and play nice. I had already told my employer that I was leaving, my gastro doctor, my family doctor, my friends, my family - everyone - and had moved most of my stuff up there. Why should I play like everything is all happy with rainbows all over? That's crap. I told him that I was hurt and angry and wasn't going to be a fake person and pretend everything is ok - because it isn't.

I got home and 2 text messages were waiting for me (note that these are 15 minutes from one another - which is crazy because one is rude and one is more "positive" - almost like two different people sent them ::plays eerie music::)

Text #1: (any typos or misspellings NOT mine...hee) Good luck to you. you will always have a special place in my heart! Ill focus on all the good times.

Text #2: What should I do with the rest of ur shit burn it or do I have to deal with ur rudeness again.

(What? Fuck me. He called me a bitch...hehe)

I responded which I shouldn't because he just wants attention and is trying to get the last word in - that's how controlling he is and it's scary. And, yeah, I'm stubborn - one of my faults.

Text #1: You are the person that needs good luck perhaps it will come in the form of introspection and insight about urself and ur words and actions.

Text #2: I gave everything of myself that I had 2 offer my conscience is clear heart is bruised but will heal have plenty of strength left.

His responses:

Text #1: Good for u! Cause u r a duplicatious (hehe - it's duplicitous...geez) person. U say whatever it takes to get what u want. U did it to me, to "my friend", and even to "my ex" - U use and hurt peop

No kidding. That is so not me. I don't ever try to hurt people on purpose unless I'm on the defensive - everyone that knows me knows this simple truth. I think sometimes people project what they are doing or what they are onto others.

Text #2: le with ur actions. if that sits well on ur conscience then ur are worse person than I had ever imagined! Good bye

Text #3: Ok then be happy with ur life and lmove on! Leave me alone!

(it should be noted he texted me 4 hours after I left to come back to Little Rock - I did not contact him until after he contacted me!)

My response to his responses until he realized that he can't text as fast as I can (hee!):

Text #1: One day u will wake up and realize how many of ur true friends are gone I feel sorry for u

Text #2: Uh u initiated contact via text and threatened 2 burn my things u can txt all u want and will never win I won I'm safe and didn't say things I regret goodbye 2 u

Done. I'm done giving him attention. I was serious - my conscience is clear. He was verbally abusive - he has an anger problem - I asked him to get help, before I moved my pets and me up there - and he refused. End of story - He has a friend that he always says has anger issues, and he went with her a few months ago so that she could take MEDICATION for her depression and anger. It's just so ironic that he cannot see these qualities in himself. I asked for maybe two 45-minutes sessions with a therapist for a lifetime of happiness that I would try to provide (not to mention the best sex that I could give, the best holidays, the most love that I could share) - and it's just too hard for him to look inside of himself. I really do feel badly for him, but it's where he wants to be. He gives advice to other people all of the time about what to do in relationships and how to deal with people that have issues - but he won't take his advice upon himself. It's like dealing with an addict only his drug is anger, and you can't force an addict to get help until he or she is ready. I would have given him everything though; I really cared about him.

So, yesterday was awful and I was instructed upon medical advice that I could take a double dose of anxiety medication - I was so out of it! I came home and made a purchase that was $100.00 without even remembering - ohmygod, I asked my roommate to keep me off the computer because I've done this before when I used to have to take a lot of medication when my gallbladder was failing. Thank god that was the only thing I bought! The way home was awful, but my roommate was a trooper. I can't thank my friend and roommate enough for helping me get through yesterday; they both really came through for me. I almost had to be taken to an emergency room on the way home, because I had an IBS attack - I guess from all of the stress. My mom's seats (we had to take her car because mine is too small to fit my stuff) are heated - so my ex told me to lay the seat down and turn the heat on for the seat and lay on it stomach down - a make-shift heating pad - yay! Hee. It really did help, and I made it home. I'm so glad that it's a new day!

"When I'm done with thinking, then I'm done with you."

My room smells like birthday cake; my roommate thought lighting a candle would help. It's nauseating and inappropriate - I need to make my room smell like burning flesh and bleeding heart. I've had three Klonopin, three advil, and a Vistaril for the nausea (because it's so hot here). I have a horrible headache. I'm alone again. I asked him to get help for his anger - just to see a therapist or a psychologist to DETERMINE whether his problem is chemical or situational and he refused. He hung up on me later in the conversation. When will I ever find someone that won't mind making a few sacrifices to make me happy? Why do I always have to be the one that sacrifices everything? I was giving up so much, but I thought I was doing it for the right reasons. I thought I had found someone to spend my life with - to laugh with - to cry with - to be with in any capacity. I was wrong again. How many times can I choose the wrong person? Am I looking for the wrong type of person? He was so nice to me for months. Is that as long as some people can last? My previous boyfriend lasted at least 6 years. Am I driving people to be nasty? When I asked him to get help for his rage - these are the answers:

(1) I'll get help the *next* time I have a problem with it.
(2) Me and Jesus Christ are working on it.

What? Where the hell did Jesus come from or how did he get into this? He's never said anything like that before - he doesn't go to church, pray, or anything. It's just nuts, really. He blamed me - BLAMED me partially for him calling me names. Holy Shit. His mom blamed him in the letter for her getting into trouble, because he told on her when she pushed him around. Maybe I overestimated him; I hate being disappointed in people. It really tears me up. I'm so sick of being disappointed. Why can't I find someone laid back that wants to be with me - wake up with me - and laugh with me? One of my friends was fucking right. He told me this was going to happen - that he would never admit that it was something that he couldn't fix on his own. You can't fix a CHEMICAL imbalance. He's not a doctor - he has no medical degree - but he and JESUS CHRIST can fix it. He told me how much better he is doing - that's because I haven't fucking stayed at his house since his last meltdown. So, no kidding that you are doing better - I'm not there to disrupt your precious life. I have to go and get my stuff. I'm taking whomever I can talk into going with me. I'm not going alone, because there is too much stuff. I have one night to get over this; I'm not letting this break me. I've been through much much worse. I've been through two horrible surgeries and a lingering illness that just won't go away. I've been through 2 cats dying in one week. I've been through a million medical tests. I can fucking get through this - I'm done with people treating me this way. I'm done giving unless somoene is giving equally back. I had a whole package ready for him - 2 books (one fun, one anger management), a t-shirt, candy, a card, stickers - so many things just sitting here now. I'm taking everything back that I can and trading it for things for MYSELF - all for MYSELF.

I'm so tired of selfish people - people that get hurt and think it's because they gave up too much of themselves. Then, those people become so selfish that they don't compromise in a relationship - there are compromises and sacrifices in a relationship - it's just a fact. If you only look out for yourself, then it's just not going to work. I'm tired of being the unselfish one. I've just had enough. I'm tired of fighting so hard. I'm just tired yet again.

"I give it all my oxygen to let the flames begin."

Christmas is depressing. I'm starting the search for a full-time position the minute the holiday is over; the person I work for is just too busy even to hand me things - and I'm just not sure how to find my own clients - plus, the whole court-avoidance goal. This was just so perfect; he told me that he would try anything that I pulled in - now, if I could just figure out how to pull in clients. I want to write and research - I heard so many people at law school saying how they just wanted to do trial work - there must be a match out there somewhere for me.

I've been feeling kind of down, since there was a delay in my billable hours for some reason - and I need to order certain gifts now that I can only purchase online. Last year, my mom helped me and let me use her paypal account, so I could get the gifts early enough but her husband won't "allow" her to do that anymore. And, I'm a grown up - I should be self-sufficent right now. I still have so many days that I don't feel well; it's just getting to me lately.

I had an argument with the special person. It really concerned me until I put it into perspective. We've been together weeks at a time - we've had only 2 misunderstandings. So, 99.9% of the time has been just perfect. I'm not afraid of arguments or disagreements - I'm more afraid of the way that certain people deal with them - I'm not very good either - I'm usually the runner, the "you only get one chance" girl - I decided that I didn't want to be that person anymore a long time ago. I hope that he doesn't want to be that type of person; if he left and then changed his mind - I'm not sure he would ever admit that he thought later that he might have made a mistake. The number of amazingly good days has far surpassed any of the "squeamish" moments - I'm good with that. I hope he's ok with that, and that his opinion of me hasn't changed. He helped to make my birthday and Thanksgiving more special than he can know, and I thank him for that. (Why what did I do on my birthday night you ask? Hehe...what a *good* good question....grin)

It's funny how silly encounters can help uplift your mood; I went to Subway at dinnertime b/c I hadn't eaten all day and there were two guys in there and they teased me the whole time they were taking my order. I wanted to try the new Subway sandwich with the pepperoni and everything on it - so they were telling me how I wanted the sandwich with all of the meat :o Then, they teased me about it being a foot-long. When I told him that I didn't want it toasted, he told me that "I didn't like it too dark" (hehe) The worst was when I had to ask for black olives on it - good lord :o That provoked the "Are you married?" question among others (hehe) They were very silly ;) I couldn't help but smile - how can you resist perverted sandwich jokes? :D

My Christmas list:

Yo Santa:

Mixed year this time – still a mess financially – but what else is new? Maybe you could throw some good luck my way – the lumps of coal are starting to hurt like hell. Other areas of my life have ended up well – I have new special people in my life – both friend-wise and relationship-wise - and for this, I am eternally grateful. I’ve tried to be a good person; I’ve screwed up maybe one or two times – the devil just gets into me – especially when I feel that someone deserves it – but for the most part, all gold stars for me :D I feel silly making a list when I have more fun picking out gifts for other people, but then, the financial situation is giving me nightmares – I’m determined to make sure that everyone has something special from me. I know it’s material, and it shouldn’t matter – but it matters to *me.* Here we go:

(1) Tarte “We wish you wealth” make-up palette (www.amazon.com – really at Sephora though – my wishlist at Amazon is under wendyrhill@hotmail.com )
(2) Urban Decay shadow Box (see above for location…hehe)
(3) Fun belly rings! (mine are started to rust, fall apart, and Buddy knocked a bunch of them on the floor to be mean, so I lost a lot of them)
(4) Fun nailpolish colors! (Black Phoenix Trading Post has some that I adore – and Nicole brand has some that I adore – love dark spooky colors for toes and lighter sparkly or shimmery colors for fingers)
(5) Emergency Road Kit for car – or maybe one of those membership cards where they come tow your car or change your tire – something so I’m safer on the road when I don’t carry a lot of money with me.
(6) Volatile shoes in size 10 (my favorite pair has finally worn out – they are here: http://www.heelandsoleshoes.com/browser/63/94/product/ECM89C02CD91129688281-5... (called Santia in Black) – I really need shoes though and there are tons of styles! I need some closed-toe shoes for winter – since these were the only closed-toe Volatile shoes that I have – you can’t go wrong with a surprise pair! Hehe) I’m a shoe-whore – this, I know (ashamed look)
(7) Lush stuff! (In particular, I would love a large Snow Fairy shower gel – it only comes out at Christmas – and I am totally out of bubble bars!) www.lush.com (wishlist if you need particulars but I’d love anything: http://voyeurwithwings.livejournal.com/832.html )
(8) Torrid gift certificate :D (www.torrid.com) Or, almost any Torrid dress in size 24 or 4 (you can find good deals sometimes on ebay – the cute/trendy ones for going out to clubs, etc!) Bobby is awesome on eeebbbbaayyyy
(9) Villainess smooches! (from www.soapboxcompany.com or www.villainess.net ) I want the Hoarfrost (h-o-a-r, ahem) smooch really badly (grin)
(10) “The Studio Head” perfume oil (no alcohol version) from www.starringfragrances.com .
(11) Ohmygod, I almost forgot the most wanted thing: Black Phoenix locket!! (www.blackphoenixtradingpost.com ) I love all of them, but I love Salome the most – however – they are all to-die-for so you can’t possibly disappoint
(12) Hand-made or hand-painted or hand-sculpted or hand-written gifts! I love personal things made for me – it’s the time that counts most of all

Thanks for reading – keep your reindeers’ clean – they have to ride with their noses in the asses of the others (hehe) and be careful with the cookies so you don’t toss them (hehe). Yes, I’m done with the awful puns now – do I get on the naughty list for these?

Merry Christmas!

Wendy

"Switch me on...turn me up...I want to touch you...you're just made for love"

I feel like I’m living a double life lately. I still live with my ex, yet, I’m traveling all of the time to meet the person that I’m seeing. My ex is treating me so badly; he won’t leave my house – I just don’t know how to get him out without him exercising some type of “revenge” on me. I’m so sick of his threats. I’m so sick of him. I just want him to leave. He’s been diagnosed with diabetes and is still drinking all of the time. I thought, mistakenly, that the diabetes diagnosis would be his wake-up call. Obviously, I was wrong. It’s so hard to put my energy into anything lately. I feel like I’m split in half, and it’s really not fair to anyone – including myself.

The newer person: amazing smile, compassionate, a wicked streak (I have one of these myself, so I feel this is matched up well), organized, intelligent, thoughtful and thought-provoking, sexy, funny, with a dash of silly. He makes me laugh, think, smile, moan (hehe) – among other actions. Things I know that will get in the way: we’re both stubborn and like to have our own ways, my pets, and location. I feel sad today – he had a long way home and I could tell he was focused on the trip – but I guess in my warped mind – it felt like he barely even said goodbye. I know how it is when you drive for 4 hours – I’ve done it plenty of times lately – and I just hate it. So, I know he just wanted to get it over with. But, I still felt “stranded” and tears welled up out of my control. He doesn’t “need” me; I guess this is something that gives me pause. He told me that it’s better for someone to “want” someone else, and that he “wants” me. I guess I’d like for someone to want me and need me occasionally – need to talk to me, need to see my face, or need to just touch me or be touched by me. I don’t have to have someone need me all of the time – just sometimes would be nice, because I feel like having someone need you occasionally makes you feel “wanted.” Semantics, sure – but I guess there is a difference. He’s very independent and sometimes I worry that there isn’t enough room in his life for me or there isn’t a place for me – I’d like there to be a place for me. There are so many parts to him that I haven’t seen and so many parts to me that he hasn’t seen – he hasn’t seen me paint or focused on some type of art project – he hasn’t seen me in a crisis – he hasn’t seen me talk to my pets – he hasn’t seen me sad – there are so many unknowns.

I’ve decided what is worse than having absolutely no money – having almost enough money to make it but just not quite enough. I’m still working with an attorney that pulls in a lot of clients – he’s basically told me that he’ll take anything I bring in to trial – if it doesn’t settle – but now I have to figure out how to get my own clients.

The perfume forum that I am a part of – www.bpal.org for Black Phoenix perfumes – has this “swap” event a few times each year - it’s like a “secret santa” game but more focused on perfumes and bath/body products – and the secret players are named “switch witches.” I’ve sent my switch witch a few books and Halloween goodies – but her big “reveal” package is going out this week – it will have a handmade perfume box in it full of perfumes and bath and body products. I got to open my package from my switch witch today, and she was just awesome – the picture is of all the goodies she snuck into my package. She got me the first season of Buffy which I’ve never seen, a really rare Black Phoenix perfume that I adore (I was so touched by her thoughtfulness and generosity), a pink bat belly ring that I already have on, a Black Phoenix nail polish in light, glittery green – among a bunch of other things – she did so well! You fill out a questionnaire so that she can learn your personality, and you get a questionnaire sent to you so that you can learn your secret person’s personality. I’ve had a ball shopping for my secret Switch Witch – it’s been a lot of fun. My Switch Witch is really different than I am, so I hope that I’ve hit on some things that she wanted. She’s into anime and graphic novels and different types of music and books than what I’m into – I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

I had a blood test last week and my liver numbers are off – whatever that means – I have to go back in for another test – the doctor basically told me not to worry – that even medication can affect it – but then after they did the 2^nd liver test – they told me to come back in for a third, so *now* of course, I am worried. I mistakenly drank on Halloween; I forgot about the liver numbers – I was a naughty school girl and went to 2 parties and had a ball until I obviously drank too much and got sick. I wish I could get a “do over” ;) I wish I could get a whole handful of “do overs” actually – the hardest part would just be narrowing down where to go back and use them.