"I live at the end of a 5 and 1/2 minute hallway."

I have ran into so much selfishness this week that it's just unbelievable; I'm disappointed in humans in general - I hate to be disappointed in people. 

I have taken care of an alcoholic - my best friend - for 8 out of 14 years that I've been in contact with him. He was take to the hospital this week for black-outs. The physician told me:

"I don't know how he lived through the night. He is going to die. No one can live like that. Does he have someone in his family who can go to court and foce him into rehab?"

I told the physician that his family was not comfortable with force-committing him - which is true - and I respect their decision. His blood alcohol was .40 - that is death for most people. He's going to die, and I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it. I sent an e-mail to his "nicer sister" letting her know that he was in the hospital and how bad that he is getting:


Hi,

“X” is at Baptist again and is on a hold. His manager called me at 9:00 a.m. to tell me “X” that was having a "diabetic episode" and blacking out - he told me that “X” was just looking at him blankly and was confusing things and didn't remember employee names. They called an ambulance, and “X” refused to go with the EMT's. An employee drove “X" to the ER. “X’s” sugar is fine (167) - he was still inebriated from the night before. Despite 15 days sober during community service, he started drinking the evening that he got home - 2 days ago and hasn't stopped.

The physician offered in-hospital rehab to which “X” will refuse. He asked me if there were any family members that could get a court order, so that “X” would be forced to stay in rehab - and I let the physician know that I've already given that option to his family members. “X’s” alcohol level was .40 - the physician was shocked that “X” had lived through the night, and he stated: “X” is going to die. “X” cannot live at that level of alcohol - especially now that he was sober for 2 weeks and is trying to drink as much as he did prior to stopping - without building up a tolerance.

He is going to lose his job and his life. The doctor told me that they were going to hold him in the Baptist ER until he reaches the legal limit of blood alcohol and told me it could take up to 8 hours - saying that there were no reason for me to be there - after sitting there for 3 1/2 hours and listening to “X’s” normal belligerence and "I'm leaving - where are my shoes?" and so on - my Fibro and IBS are going crazy - I had to come home to rest - I'm still fighting a migraine from 4 days ago. A family member can sign him out early today against medical advice. I will not sign him out. To reiterate, I had nothing to do with this - I was called at home while I was by myself - “X” was at work so drunk that he was blacking out and could not stand up - he apparently was so out of it that they called an ambulance to come to “his work place.” I did not speak with “X” last night other than to ask him to stop coming into my bedroom and waking me up; I've had a migraine and had already taken migraine medication and just needed to sleep to get rid of it. I can't physically, financially, or emotionally take care of “X” any longer; I don't have anything left.

Sincerely,

Wendy


I received an e-mail from the “other sister” stating the following:


(1) I am just trying to focus everything on myself.

(2) She has Fibromyalgia, and it doesn’t affect her life that much - so it shouldn’t affect mine.

(3) I told the physician that “X’s family does not care about him” - this is how she interpreted the conversation betwen the physician and myself.

(4) I am the reason that “X” is drinking; if he gets away from me - he will be fine.

(5) I am full of lies and am trying to pull scams on her - I have absolutely no idea what this means. I haven’t even talked to this sister for over a year, and that was just to tell her that “X” was in the hospital before - I have no idea what type of “scams” that I could have tried to pull off.


I was just shocked; she’s attacked me like this before - but, I had blocked her e-mail address, so she used another one. Instead of focusing on what we can do to help “X” - she focused the entire e-mail on bad-mouthing me. Anyone that knows me - knows that I am not this type of person. She has a close relative that is a drug addict - I would think that she would know better than to blame the caregiver for the addiction - her relative is an addict, because he’s an addict - she didn’t force him to do drugs - just like I don’t force “X” to drink. That was the first blow.

The second blow.  My migraine worsened, and it was soon accompanied by unbelievable nausea and up to 103 degree fevers. I cannot stop sweating and have no energy at all. “X” took me to the ER thankfully - I had asked him for 2 days to drive me, but I couldn’t find a time that he was sober, and my head was hurting too badly to drive. I caught him sober this morning. They decided with my fever and amount of head pain that a lumbar puncture would have to be done - this meant 3-4 hours flat on my back against my head (that was one of the areas that was hurting very badly - the back panel of my head). Thankfully, I was able to find my mom, brother, and sister in law. “X” told me that he was going to get some Burger King - they all were taking shifts, because I had to be there so long. I was stuck flat on my back on my head which was killing me, and we couldn’t get a nurse’s attention for pain medication until the 3 hours was up - not to mention ice chips or a room with a television (which they promised to move me to) - nor a pillow which was claimed after looking in one cabinet that a pillow couldn’t be found. I was in desperate pain at this point; the physician came in after 3.5 hours and indicated that I have some type of “unknown” virus and to go home and take Tylenol for the fevers - he ordered another injection of pain and nausea medication, so that I could sleep. “X” started being weird - grabbing all of my stuff and not understanding why they weren’t discharging me - it had only been 20 minutes and they were busy - I asked him over and over if I needed to check the car for alcohol when in reality I didn’t have the energy to check it. When I got home, I realized the puppy had made a huge mess everywhere - accidents and trash - and one of the litter boxes had been toppled - “X” told me to just go to bed - that he would get it. I woke up about 5 times in the next four hours - burning up and sweating - “X” kept going in and out of the house. I finally fell asleep until it was dark and woke up to the sound of someone falling over bottles - I heard “X” fall at least 3 times - I knew he was drunk. I called my brother and told him that I needed to check on “X,” since was obviously falling down drunk - but that I didn’t know if I could even get up - I finally checked on him and he is drunk - he also didn’t clean up anything that he promised to clean up. I am so shocked. I took a pill bottle out of my purse and realized that he had stolen $16 from me (he had stolen $20 two day’s ago) - when I’m really sick, I forget to hide my money. He stole money from me when I was in the hospital stuck on my back and in so much pain that I was crying out - he drank the second we got home and didn’t clean up anything or even fill up the pets’ water or food. My mom and I worked so hard cleaning the house last week - we cleaned the entire house and the outside area - it only has to be maintained - it takes about a half hour a day - and I was keeping up with it until the migraine hit.  I am so disappointed.

One of my best friends that I thought would be the person I would most need to talk to right now - I’m really scared - I haven’t felt this badly since my gallbladder failed in terms of pain level and I’m not used to super high fevers - also disappointed me. He took something out on me because he was annoyed with something else - I could hear it in his voice that was getting more and more irritated, and I knew from past experiences - that I needed to exit the situation. For some reason, I’m super-fragile right now - being afraid that you’re going to die and still being sick and not knowing what is wrong will do that to you - and he was still more focused on him and how he is “fragile” right now. People have just lost it.  If you have to see something to understand what someone is going through - that's a problem.  I've never had cancer; I've never had to live with one limb - but I can understand the difficulties, the sadness, the pain - I don't need to see it to empathize with it.  The third blow.

I understand the benefits of selfishness sometimes even though I think it’s more of self-preservation; I’ve known people that let others use them completely up - and they put their own life on hold - that needs a remedy - a bit of “selfishness” and taking care of one’s self. But, this lack of empathy - to not be able to put yourself in someone’s shoes about 6 hours in a hospital where two pain injections can’t take away the pain - and fevers/sweats/chills that won’t go away - and feeling so desperate because I’m up trying to feed dogs and fill water bowls and shaking and sweating - that is unreal to me. I hate when people that I really care about disappoint me.

The saving blow. Thank god for my mom, my brother, and sister-in-law - they were there the whole time and brought me a stuffed monkey, my mom got me a piece of make-up that I’ve wanted forever from Sephora and brought me cookies - most importantly, they all sat there and tried to make me laugh, tried to find nurses to get the pain under control, slipped me ice chips when they wouldn’t come in to tell me if I could have any for 2 and ½ hours - these are the people that love me, and it shows in every single action.  I belive these are the moments in which people show their true core - how they really are - and my family is beautiful - all the way through.  I don't know what I'd do without them. 

"Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will break our hearts."

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how words that people use - things that people say to one another - how much impact those words have on someone’s life. These words can make you look back and laugh, cry, feel unbelievably hopeless, get a jolt of self confidence, change a relationship or friendship forever, feel wistful, make you blush - I don’t think most people understand the importance of what they say (and don’t say for that matter). Just a small sample of some of the most memorable sentiments expressed to me:

 

(1) Who I thought was the love of my life told me that he was going to go on outings with his ex-girlfriend - and that she was too uncomfortable with the idea of meeting me - so he would go out with her by himself and wouldn’t allow me to go while I was living with him.

(2) Someone told my brother when I was around 17 that he liked me and thought I was really cool - but that he would never date me because I was overweight - he said this in front of me.

(3) A family member threatened to kill me if I called the police for something that he was doing. I wasn’t really going to call the police. Hopefully, he really wasn’t going to kill me (hehe) This one actually makes me laugh now, because it was so ludicrous.

(4) Someone told me that I would be a wonderful person to be loved by and to love.

(5) My best friend in the entire world told me that she wasn’t the one that screwed up my life. This hurt me more than anything ever said to me in my life - I was very sick at this point - more so than now and things were falling apart all around me, and I was losing so much. I couldn’t believe that all of the accomplishments that I had thought were completed prior to this time were seemingly forgotten - and how just me as who I thought was a good person just wasn’t enough to overcome a “screwed” up situation.

(6) Someone that I had a crush on for the longest time told me (after he was no longer otherwise engaged) that he used to think about me during sex with his wife.

(7) Someone told me that having an illness - and being sick - isn’t my fault.

(8) Someone told me that having a person be nasty to me - or being verbally abusive - isn’t a reflection of me - it’s the speaker’s problem and mental abnormalities and deficiencies due to that person’s addiction.

(9) A family member told me that if someone physically hurt me to a certain point that he would then go to jail because he would kill said person . (hehe - his way of telling me that he loves me in a non-squishy way)

(10) A friend that continuously tells me that I’m a worthwhile person - and who told me that he was more than fond of me ;)

(11) Someone that told me that he was in love with me before he even met me.

(12) Someone who told me that he had a discussion with someone about opening your heart and home to another - and it occurred to him that he needed to do something “tangible” to show me that he wanted me in his life - so he told me (and later showed me) that he had made room in half of his walk-in closet for my belongings and clothing.

(13) Someone who told me that I was the best kisser ever.

(14) Someone who told me that I helped her feel better about herself and that she was glad that she met me and interacted with me.

(15) Someone who told me that I “put up lots of walls” when people try to get to know me - but that he was still trying - when a lot of people might give up - and that he wanted to get to know me - even past the walls.

I wish more people thought just a tiny second before they spoke - or thought about what they have said later.

 
So many memories - you can get lost in them if you let yourself.

"She knows the human heart and how to read the stars, now everything's about to fall apart."

I'm struggling with sadness today - I don't know what it is about snow - but it always makes me reflective and melancholy.  It seems even worse when the sun finally comes out and everything starts melting to often reveal the "ugliness" underneath the snow.  My last two cats that have FIP aren't doing very well. Little Girl will probably not make it past two more weeks, and Bolt, the little orange kitten, is getting weaker every day. The orange kitten, Bolt, has gorgeous eyes.  They are the most vibrant green-yellow and change colors depending on his mood and the light hitting them - even turning them a burnt orange color at times.  I see it in his eyes how much he wants to run around and play, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't have any energy and why his tummy hurts all the time, and I see the occasional flast of pain in his eyes. I don't know what to do. Little Girl is such a quirky cat - she always comes to the door like a dog would to greet everyone and has the sweetest cry when she wants attention, snaking through your legs in figure eights.  She was the mom to a few of my cats and is around 13 years old. She "takes care" of any babies brought into the house - when the two kittens were brought in, Bolt and Licorice, she took over and kept them warm and wouldn't leave their sides.  Bolt is maybe a year old; it's so hard to watch the other kitten that he grew up with grow and flourish - and he just keeps getting sicker. This is literally breaking my heart. I'm so attached to Bolt already; I lost an orange kitty a few years ago unexpectedly to a urinary blockage - he just died within 24 hours, so I have a soft spot for orange kitties. Bolt makes me smile - he has such a funny personality - he comes up under your chin and just looks at you and quickly rolls up into a ball. He hits the dogs to keep them in check. He has spunk and attitude, but he also loves to be held and will fall asleep in your arms. He always puts his paws over the tub ledge when I'm taking a bath, so that he can sample the water. I don't even put bubble bath in it anymore, so that he can continue his ritual. I'm having such a hard time with this - usually, with a cat, it's slightly unexpected when they get ill - I just look at the two that I know that I'm going to lose, and it kills me. 

I'm hoping with all of my being that these are the last two cats that I'll lose to this disease. It appears that Bolt was the carrier of FIP, and Little Girl was exposed and couldn't fight it.  FIP is transmitted in feces and saliva.  FIP is caused by a virus and can lead to an infection via feline coronavirus (FCOV) - one strain is non-fatal and one strain is almost always fatal.  Some cats exposed can fight the initial infection if they have a very strong immune system.  But, it is almost always fatal in young cats and geriatric cats - thus, the reason that "Biggie" passed away so quickly a few months ago and then "Cocoa" a month and a half ago.  Biggie and Cocoa were my oldest cats, and Cocoa had diabetes which I treated with insulin - so, her immune system was already compromised.  I don't ever want this to happen again - when I eventually have two cats - that is it - that's all that I'm keeping, and I'm not bringing any new kittens into the house. 

My car wouldn't start today - I guess because of the mechanical problem and because it sat too long, because I couldn't drive it during the bad weather.  It finally started and then stalled about 4 times. It's the only way that I have to get anywhere - the doctor, Walgreens - I would feel essentially trapped if Buddy can't figure out what is wrong with it soon. I need to find out who the Car Goddess is and offer to do her bidding or whatever she wants - hehe.

A lovely girl that purchased two of my fairy canvases sent *me* a care package. I miss the "Black Phoenix" communities so much; the people within them are so friendly and helpful - and consider everyone to be true friends rather than words on a screen. She lives in Taiwan and sent me Japanese treats - pink and purple rock candy, pieces of mint-flavored chocolate in the shape of and packaged like "Band-Aids," a hand-made Valentine's Day card - and various other fun items. It was such a surprise and literally made me tear up. It amazes me sometimes that people who have never met me can often be nicer and more considerate than the people around me. I wish people believed in kindness more. It comes to naturally to some people to be nice or try to spread kindness that it's embarrassing or hard to even go back and try to think of all the little things that one does that would be considered kind.  It's just a part of some people's personality - like sending little cards or gifts to someone to make that person smile, bringing home a treat or dinner to a friend to surprise that person, or doing an errand or cleaning up something so that another person doesn't have to do it.  I don't know what happened to kindness, but I don't see it very much anymore extended to anyone.

It's very difficult when someone sees your weaknesses.  I do everything I can to hide my weaknesses from most people - I don't like to seem less than strong at times.  I pride myself in being a strong person - I've made it through things that I never thought that I had the constitution to make it through; I've even surprised myself.  I don't like to be vulnerable.  It's at that point that someone can hurt you the most if that person so chooses - and it terrifies me, because other people in the past have taken advantage of those times.  It's a touching experience when someone is nice to me during one of these times - who tries to make me laugh and forget about whatever is going on - I'm eternally grateful to these people, although, I'll always still have that little catch when I realize that someone is going to see me in a situation where I'm not feeling well or where I'm upset - not knowing how the other person is going to respond.

I'm tired of the games that some people play.  I know how to play with words - how to flirt, but I don't see every interaction as a game.  I guess when I was younger - I used to think that - and I still like to win.  I like knowing that people who have hurt me in the past couldn't forget me or tried to come back into my life later - and I was the one with the upper hand at that point - and I'm usually not very forgiving.  I don't understand people that don't take chances - who don't just go for it - if there is something that person wants - be it a job, a person, an item, a goal - whatever it is that the person desires - why doesn't that person just go for it?  Most of the time just a few words can lead to the path toward what a person wants - one won't always get what that person wants but it's always worth a try.  Meeting a goal, finding a dream job, finding the right person - these events are life altering and can result in life-long happiness.  In the past, I was so worried about "being the winner" and not letting someone know how I felt about a certain person, that I would often lose what I wanted because that person didn't think that I cared - they would move on.  I'm getting better every day at saying the things that I want to say; I used to not say anything that I wanted to for fear of the response.  The few seconds of a potentially poor response or silent response to what I say is not worth suppressing what I think or what I want to say to others for the rest of my life.

I found this online:

"Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell the asshole what you feel. Let someone know what they are missing. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Live life!"

"I guess you could say I've changed, but you never really knew me in the first place."

I was shopping for groceries and a male probably about 10 years younger than me that worked at the store came over and told me that he loved my outfit. He told me that most people look the same and that I stood out in a good way (I had a black dress on and stripey tights and these super cute platform peep toe shoes that I found and caved on accidentally...hehe). He came back around when I was checking out and joked with the cashier about giving me a "special discount." I'm not very good at talking to strangers. If I'm on the phone, sending a message or e-mail, or in a club/bar type environment (i.e. drinking...hehe), then I'm pretty good at it - other times, not so much ;)

I wish I could fix things. I always envy people that have the types of minds that can see something malfunctioning and just naturally know how to fix it - or at least have an idea as to how to fix it. I see a legal issue or a problem with a company, and I know how to fix those types of issues. I can write one hell of a letter, but I can't even change a tire. I think you always envy the things that you can't do and sometimes forget all of the types of things that you can handle. I have to remind myself sometimes that there are things that I can do well. 

I've been thinking lately about having too many opinions versus not having any at all. I have very strong opinions in certain issues: discrimination in any form, racism, sizeism, sexism, sexual discrimination, and disability/handicapped discrimination. I abhor hunting - I understand the rationale easier if a person eats what he/she catches instead of using the animals' parts as trophies. I believe that too often the "system" that helps people who truly need aid is criticized based on the manipulative activities of a few examples rather looking at the system and the people within it who need assistance as a whole.  Too many people think that the government is just handing out money, which is not the case - the processes that one has to go through to receive assistance and the scrutiny is much more complicated than one criticizing it may understand. I believe in financial aid for people that need it, housing assistance, food assistance - and, above all, I believe that healthcare should be a right - not a privilege. No one should have to lose everything because he or she is sick - and no one should not be able to be treated for painful or terminal conditions because that person cannot afford health insurance. Further, I believe the people in need of assistance should have had access to medical care before it became a condition exacerbated to the point of an emergency when it could have been treated preventatively.  I hate when people criticize something, before they research it or have all the facts.  How can you have an opinion on something if you don't know what you're talking about?  I hate bad drivers. I hate when people can't put their phones down - especially in movies - if they text all throughout a movie - it's just insane. I can't stand when people think that their time is somehow more important than mine and cut in front of me in line or do something unethical to save them time. If someone treats me unfairly or hurts my feelings, I'm going to say something about it or just not talk to that person any longer until that person cares enough to ask me what he or she has done and/or makes amends. But, with the little things, I just don't care - I'm not picky about unimportant things. I don't get mad if plans are changed - I don't care about going to a certain restaurant versus one I would have chosen if someone wants to go - I don't care about what goes on a sandwich. I especially don't care if someone else is doing something for me or being hospitable - that is a gift in itself - I'm never going to care about the specificities if someone is doing something *for* me without even being asked. I learned a long time ago that there are so many "big" things that happen that one has to deal with that the little things - they just don't matter and aren't worth even worrying about for a second.

 

After talking to my ex-boyfriend regarding a personal item that he still has, I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want in another person that I'll get close to.

(1) He has to be nice to me - he doesn't have to be a pushover (in fact, that would bug me - I like someone that can stand up for himself) - and he can be mean to other people when they deserve it (hehe), be sarcastic, tease me sometimes - but he still basically has to be nice to me. It can't be something that he tries really hard to do - it just has to come naturally. I'm so tired of running into men that can pretend to be nice for a very long time - and who aren't very nice at all. I seem to attract these types of men, and I'd like to break the pattern.

(2) He has to make me laugh. If someone has a wicked or teasing grin and can make me laugh, this is an irresistible combination for me.

(3) He doesn't have to say the right things at all the right times - but he has to say something - tell me some of the things that he thinks about or allow me to get to know him. I don't need a super romantic person - but, I'd like for him to at least be romantic or thoughtful sometimes - even if the effort is entirely clumsy, it's the effort that still counts.

(4) I like someone that thinks about things - not all the time but enough so that he is more than what is on the surface.

(5) I like it when someone seems to be interested and attracted to me - when he wants to know things about my past and who I am and can't let me walk by without touching me or get close to me without thinking about touching me (hehe - this sounds bad - in perverted or platonic ways :o ) If I'm doing all of "getting to know someone" type things and initating physical contact, then things are never going to work out.

(6) I like men that are sexual - my mom tells me that as you get older that sex isn't as important :P It's not the first thing that I look for - but, I'd like it to be part of a relationship. I love to be kissed, love foreplay - and all that comes after it. I guess I'm not old enough to be tired of sex yet (hehe)

(7) I like people who aren't predictable and who like to be adventuresome sometimes (in the sense that he wants to try new things). I like to be surprised every so often. I love the unexpected. I think life should be full of surprises.

I'm treating myself, finally, to a Villainess "Smack" today.  It's a gentle moisturizing scrub - and you can choose up to 4 scents to layer out of 24 - I'm so excited - now I just have to watch the male...(err...mail) - hehe.  The 4 scents I've chosen are:

Unearthed: Dark, loamy dirt and touch of antique patchouli.

Vanilla Bean: Perfection. Vanilla, neither rich, boozy, artificial nor creamed.

Chocolate Mousse: Smooth pools of decadent dark chocolate.

Coconut Milk: Cool coconut cream.

We'll see how it turns out :D 

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

I’ve been thinking lately about how many things that I still want to try or do – just frivolous, fun things – not necessarily life goals or anything.  But, I think life should be just as much about the little pleasures as the milestones. This list will be changed and/or added to according to my own whims (hehe – because, it’s my list and I can do whatever I want…grin) I tried to be good and not add anything naughty – hee - that's an entirely different list (joking grin)

(1) I’d love to learn some professional cake or even cupcake decorating techniques – I’ve always wanted to learn how to do this - especially learning how to make foundant, color, and apply it. 

(2) I desperately want to learn how to blow glass – there’s a class in Eureka Springs, but that’s just too far away to go to each class especially with my car acting funny. I’ve had an intuition – a nagging inkling for years - that this would be something that I would be really good at. I love colors and combining them – I hope the most that I get to try this someday.

(3) I want to revisit the beach – I haven’t gotten to curl my toes in the sand, since I was a child. And, the ocean is the most calming thing to watch ever – and the sound – I’m getting relaxed just thinking about it. It’s simply breath-taking.

(4) I want to try karaoke – I do not have an amazing singing voice at all – but, I still want to sing in public even when it turns out horribly funny (hehe). This one is going to require inebriation.

(5) Since I’m never going to dye my hair pink because I’d like to stay an attorney (hehe) – I definitely want a pink wig – and the courage to wear it and rock it in public.

(6) I’ve never gotten to ride a 4-wheeler or go out in a truck in the mud – I always liked to play in the mud when I was a kid and never minded getting dirty (hehe) – I think this all evolved somehow and carried into adulthood.

(7) I want to try to at least write a short story or novella. I have no idea on which topic yet – it’s still a developing idea in my head.

(8) I’m dying to find out where I can buy used/broken mannequins – I just want from the torso up – I’d love to paint her as a large fairy with wings – probably in shades of blue with three-dimensional butterflies in her hair or resting on her shoulders. I have searched high and low on Ebay – and can hardly find any and if I do, they are too expensive. I have no idea how to find used mannequins, but this one is definitely high on my list.

(9) I’d like to learn how to sew – just a cursory knowledge – enough to sew things onto canvases and/or make designs in my artwork or altering ribbons and such to use them as clothing on small clay fairies.

(10) I’d love to learn how to reupholster furniture – I already have an awesome chair that the cats killed that has the most unusual shape – it is a half circle shape. I would love to learn how to salvage pieces like these.

(11) I wish I could talk myself into joining “Toastmasters” or a similar organization, so that I could learn how to better speak in public. I just get so nervous when a group of people are looking at me waiting for me to explain something or speak. I’m good one-on-one - even with people around – for example, in trial advocacy, I was really good at the interrogating a witness portion, but I just don’t have that natural grace when I’m speaking to a group to keep them intrigued and interested.

(12) I want to take dance lessons - anything - ballroom, hip-hop - with a friend or more - just something fun to learn with another person.

To be continued...of course :)

"When I grow up, I'll turn the tables."

Facebook is a weird creature. I've always liked interacting with people online, but Facebook has people from high school. I hated high school after tenth grade - the one person that always made me laugh no matter and who didn't judge me moved away. After that, it was a nightmare. People have added me that just didn't notice me. But, I keep "seeing" people that were outwardly rude or nasty to me. You don't ever lose that - you remember every word that was said to you in meanness. I still want to tell those people off after all of these years. The girl that said the most direct nastiest thing toward me during high school - it looks like her daughter is just as snotty as she was - and, this shouldn't please me, but it does in some juvenile way. When I was in eleventh grade, I walked into the bathroom one day while she and her friends were in there, and she said loudly enough so that I could hear her that "she hated me" and I was a "bitch" - which was really funny, because I didn't even know her at all. I'm sure when she disciplines her daughter for communicating nasty things to others that she doesn't even notice that she was *just like* that during high school.

I hate New Year resolutions - I refuse to make them. In my mind, I set my own personal goals throughout the year - I think that's acceptable. I keep putting off my pain doctor appointment. I have to stop taking the Lyrica - because of all the side effects (the weight gain/bloating, the lack of concentration and memory) - but it does helps immensely - both with my stomach and muscle pain. I'm so weary of trying new medications, and I feel like it's going to start all over again.

I wish people spent more time thinking and reflecting - analyzing how portions of their past affect their present and will affect their futures. Sometimes, I analyze too much - it's taken me a long time to learn how to turn that part of my brain off and just enjoy the moment. I like who I am now but not where I am - which thankfully is much easier to change. I went through a lot of stages to get to this point. I wish more people understood me. I don't think it's because I'm so complicated; I think it's because not that many people care to take the time - not just toward me - but for anyone - it all goes back to that whole "not taking the time to think about things" problem. People who just judge the surface find an impulsive flirt, someone who laughs and giggles a lot and makes silly jokes. If you go deeper, you find a loyal person - honest to a fault - someone who loves to flirt but who also saves all of the "good parts" for one person "at a time." Someone who can be a best friend, spontaneous, a good listener, a quiet companion, someone who stills wants to try all types of new things and who can make you laugh or smile in spite of yourself and is willing to make a fool of herself to cheer someone up - and someone that just needs a hug or a kind word at times. I have secrets, but not on purpose. I just have a difficult time finding the right people to tell them to. It cuts me to the core when the hardest things for me to talk about are used against me, and it seems to be a pattern in the past. I learned a long time ago to not say certain things during arguments. Some things can never be "erased" - you can apologize until the end of time - but that person will always remember what you said or what you did.

I've developed a fondness for stripey socks (hehe) I've never received more comments and compliments than when I wear my hot pink and black striped socks. I've lost one of my black and white striped socks which were my favorite (grumble...hehe) This man in Sam's Club yesterday actually told the person he was talking to on the phone to please hold just so that he could tell me that he loved my socks. I obviously know what not to wear on the days when I don't want to be noticed. I'm struggling with the whole clothing thing lately. On the one hand, I love wearing what I wear - fun socks, spider necklaces, low ponytails, bright eyeshadows, and shiny lip glosses, but people always think that I'm a lot younger than what I am. I worry that people won't take me seriously because of the way that I dress, but I would truly hate to lose how I feel like myself when I wear certain items. I don't want to dress "sedate" and classical. My mom teases me, because she says I dress eccentrically. I know how to dress "professionally" when I have to - my hair isn't pink - I don't have a million piercings - just certain clothing makes me happier than other clothing. Should you dress in what you love or what people expect you to wear at a certain age or in a certain profession even if you're not actively working in a professional setting at this precise moment? There are so many parts to me - I like to give attention to all of them :)

I've been fighting with trust lately also - when I meet new people, I know in my mind that each person should start off with a clean slate - but, how do I protect myself at the same time? The self-protection instinct always rises up inside of me - like a wall - so that I won't make myself vulnerable, fall for mistruths or deception like in the past - but, I don't want to ruin new interactions. I hate being fooled just because I put my faith or trust in the wrong people. I think I'm going to stay myself - where each "new" person that I interact with starts off as just that - a *new* person. I like that part of myself - that I have trust in people in general and that I think a majority of people are basically good. I don't think I can give up the excitement, happiness, and the act of smiling for no reason just to protect myself in case someone hurts me again in the future - which would probably happen no matter what I do regardless. I would think that most of the new people that interact with me are probably taking the same chances on me.

Christmas List!!

Dear Santa:

This year has had way more downs than ups. I've lost some of the most important parts of my life this year, and I'm still reeling from it. I've been so sick that I actually missed my brother's birthday, and I'm afraid that I won't ever live long enough to feel like I can make it up to him. I am very thankful for the kindness of my family; I don't know what I would do without them. I made a super long birthday list, so most of this will be repeated - I'm just kind of at a loss because most of the things that I would choose would be based on my being able to smell - which I can't any longer. Here we go...

(1) The health and happiness of my family (both furry and non-furry - Bob - you're a furry...hehe)

(2) Villainess Smack! I still need soft soap that cleans in the tub, and bath creams are the softest on my skin. I can still smell a little vanilla - and would love one "dirty, naughty" one (like vanilla x 2, unearthed x 2 in same jar) and one separate "fun" one - you can choose up to 4 scents in each Smack! jar. I'll leave the fun one to Santa's imagination. Please please please!

(3) Professional grade floor steamer - not for carpets but for wood floors. I really need this the most of all to clean the floor with - I'm spending a fortune in cleaners, and this just uses steam and water. It's the only way that I can deep clean the wood floors at this point.

(4) Artwork and/or clay or ceramic pieces made by my family.

(5) A Snow, Glass, Apples' locket from Black Phoenix - this would have to be ordered a.s.a.p, because the Trading post is slllooowww. I sold the locket that Brad gave me, because I didn't want to think of him every time that I wore it, so I would love one to replace it. It's sterling silver and hand-crafted: http://www.blackphoenixtradingpost.com/neilgaiman.html

(6) I'm especially into skirts, dresses, and corset tops from Torrid.com right now! Sizes:

Skirts: 3 or 24
Dresses: 3 (if stretchy), 4 (if extremely fitted - like cotton) (These are junior plus sizes)
Tops: 3 or 24 if stretchy - if a corset, it has to be a 4! I love the corset tops - if you sign up for their mailing list, Bob - they'll e-mail you when they have 50% sales - and the corset tops are only $19.00 on sale. Plus, you can find these on ebay - the vintage ones are also to die for!

A gift certificate would work too (:

(7) A light-weight hair dryer. One of my hair dryers had to be thrown away - the other is smoking :o I like a super powered one!

(8) Something meant to be sprayed in the hair to make my hair smell nice - I used to have a white chocolate spray from Isle of Eden - but their orders take too long to get it in time for Christmas. (They have an "Isle of Eden" forum where you can sign up, Bob - and post an "in search of" for products - these would be mailed by individual buyers and would get here in time) Maybe Bobby can find another company online that sells sprays that are hair-safe? :) I like "neutral" scents for my hair that will go with other perfumes - like chocolate or vanilla.

(9) Funky knee socks or slightly over-the-knee socks - they have to be super stretchy not thick socks or they won't fit (I tried to buy thicker socks from www.sockdreams.com and they didn't fit :( They say in the notes whether they fit larger women - for each brand/type. Also arm warmers = love!!!)

(10) 2 Nightstands (thrift shop or flea shop) that I can paint or that are painted for me (: (I'm going for a silver look in my bedroom)

(11) Cat Tower

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=350218936335&_trkparms=tab%3DWatching

Ebay has a lot of good deals on them - bigger than local ones and less expensive - who knew?

(12) Mini-stereo with bass - the little stereos like at Wal-Mart and Best Buy where all 3 pieces - 2 speakers and unit are bought together, but loud! Bob knows! (+ need cord or ability to plug my IPOD into it and play CD's)! I only have my IPOD dock and it's really quiet - I left my boombox/little stereo at the other house (CD deck was broken anyway - it wouldn't eject most of the time) I need some bass!!

(13) Tarte Treasure Chest from Sephora - I can never get too much make-up! http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P247380

(14) Love Etsy jewelry! I'm really coveting a "tattoo-style" necklace - you can just type that in and they will come up - but I love anything with skulls, spiders, Hello Kitty, zombies - you know how I am - hee!