"She paints her eyes as black as night now...She pulls those shades down tight..."

I'm going to spank anyone that told me that this surgery wasn't that difficult. I woke up just crying in pain - the poor nurse didn't know what to do, because he had maxed me out on the dosage of morphine that he could administer. I just kept saying oh, god and begging him to help me - I feel bad now - but that was the worst pain that I have ever felt and it just wouldn't stop. This was so much worse than my tonsillectomy. What made it worse is that they thought my gallbladder just wasn't functioning, but not only was it not functioning, I had a lot of tiny gravel-like stones also that they didn't discover until they had the camera inside of me. So, I ended up with an extra incision below my breasts where they had to inject a dye and flush all of the stones out. Supposedly, I am now stone and gallladder free. My stomach looks awful - it's blue in a lot of places, swollen, scabs, glue sticking the incisions together - it's just gross. They told me to arrive at 5:45 a.m. instead of 6:30 a.m., because they had told me there was a cancellation; however, I spent that entire time just sitting in the waiting room. I was really nervous by the time I got back there. Then, I got to the back and the first nurse was super nice but I glanced at her name tag and it read "new employee." This wouldn't really bother people with *normal* veins; however, I have very small veins that virtually disappear when I'm cold and/or scared. I've had a nurse try to get an I.V. in 5 times before they finally got a head nurse to do it. I tried to very nicely warn the nurse that my veins are very hard to get an I.V. into, but she wouldn't listen and failed at the first attempt. She went to get the next nurse, and he promised to just stick me once (no pun intended...ugh), and he got the I.V. in but it wouldn't run. Thus, a THIRD attempt at an I.V. This time he numbed my other hand with lidocaine (another stick) and then got the I.V. in - I was pretty upset at this point. I don't like needles (I know I have tattoos, but it's just not the same thing). One assistant was super nice and kept rubbing my shoulder while I was bawling.

I'll never forget the pain that I woke up to though - never - and I hope there isn't pain worst than that - b/c I was given all the pain medicine that they could give me. The nurse told me that the amount of pain medicine that I was administered would usually knock someone into a coma-like state. Of course, this scared me b/c he mentioned something about normal people wouldn't even be able to breathe with that amount of morphine, and the one thing you should never tell me is any story about breathing problems. I have a lot of anxiety about not being able to breathe. Once the morphine had gotten the pain down from a 10 on the pain scale to a 7, I started teasing the nurse about how I was fine until he mentioned that some people wouldn't be able to breathe on that amount of pain medicine. I kept teasing him - b/c he was one of those people that I could tell was a smart ass and a "distancer," until I finally broke him and got him to smile. I'm apparently witty on morphine - who knew? When he finally wheeled me to my mom's car, he finally made a sarcastic, teasing comment back to me - and, I told him - see, I knew that he would miss me when I was gone ;)

So, I ended up with 3 valium injections, one Versed injection (causes temporary amnesia), an antibiotic injection, an acid medicine injection, and an ungodly amount of morphine. I wasn't feeling quite right when I got home - how I still felt anxious I'll never know. I kept drifting in and out and then waking up feeling like I couldn't breathe. It's just amazing pain, because you don't realize how many activities require your stomach muscles. The most difficult part is getting out of bed and getting to the bathroom. I've been trying to sit up a little and walk around but it pulls at the incisions so badly. I woke up every 2 hours last night, and then would have to wait another hour to take pain medication. Hopefully, today will be better - I'm keeping my fingers crossed. At least my mind seems lucid. People that tell you that gallbladder surgery doesn't hurt are just on crack. Don't listen to them.

People surprised and disappointed me before my surgery. Some of the most unexpected people were really supportive of me and then some people that I thought were friends - didn't even really contact me. I guess this is a good way to see who cares and who doesn't. Although, I know sometimes people don't know what to say - but saying something is better than saying nothing.

"Cuz I'm tired of whys, choking on whys, just need a little because, because..."

Ugh...10 hours until my surgery. I am not a happy camper. I've been awake since about 2 a.m. *last* night - since I can't sleep. I wasn't supposed to be at the hospital until 6:30 a.m., but the hospital called this morning and told me that they had a cancellation and now I have to be there at 5:45 a.m. Good god that's early. I don't want the scars. I don't want to have the 50% chance that it won't even help the constant lump in my throat from acid swelling my esophagus. And, yes, I'm being a big baby and whining. I was hoping that I could do some fun things this week like go out shopping and see a movie, but I was so nauseous and sick this week that I couldn't do anything but lie in bed and wait until the surgery.

When the woman called from my surgeon's office and told me that they were moving my surgery to an earlier time, I tried to be positive and funny.

Me: "Is it ok to have surgery that early - is the surgeon going to drink a lot of coffee?"

Her: "You can't drink coffee! You can't have anything before the surgery after midnight the night before."

Me: "No, I meant the surgeon - I was hoping he would have lots of coffee to make sure he's awake and ready to do my surgery."

My attempt at humor obviously failed; she had absolutely no sense of humor. You would think she could have at least faked a laugh when calling someone about a surgery that person is having the next day. She would have to know that a person would be nervous. I know you're supposed to "distance" yourself, but patients are still people and she could have least faked that she cared. Ugh, again.

On the upside, my brother is being super sweet and took me out to get a flexible acrylic belly ring to put in right when I get home tomorrow - trying to save my piercing so it doesn't close up. I really don't want to go through it again. Besides, if I wear dangly belly rings - it will cover one of the scars :P My brother snuck and bought me a gift card for Subway, so that I could eat Subway while I'm recovering. Sandwiches are the only thing the past few weeks that don't hurt my stomach very much - so I've eaten a million Subway sandwiches. I feel like Jarod without the penis, tons of money, and free Subway for life.

My best friend/roommate has been a trooper too - he totally cleaned my bedroom and my bathrooms and all of my comforters, pillowcases - so at least I have a clean room to come home to.

I can't wear eye make-up - I'm assuming that's b/c they tape your eyelids. You can't wear nailpolish on your fingernails - I looked this up and it helps clue them in if you're not getting enough oxygen. I hated my first ENT (my first tonsillectomy surgery fell through due to the fact that she tried to keep me waiting in pre-op for over 4 hours and then went to lunch) - I painted my fingernails bright blue on purpose just to be a smart ass. Yes, little things give me pleasure (no pun intended...hehe). Hopefully, I can get some sleep and hopefully I wake up tomorrow :P Until then...

"I will break into your thoughts with what's written on my heart..."

I’m so very sick tonight. The nausea is unbearable and overwhelming. I’ve taken all the medications that I can to try to help. I had to be taken to the ER last night (yes, again), because of the nausea and pain. I felt ok tonight until about dinnertime when I tried to eat clear broth and jello and was sick an hour later. The ER doctor told me to try a clear liquid diet for 2 days – obviously, it’s not helping. I have severe cramping, dizziness, a lump in my throat from the acid reflux, and burning in my back and stomach. It’s weird that 5 days can seem so far away. I had a 3 week reprieve – not questioning it – just accepted it and then it came back just as bad as it was in the very beginning. The three weeks where I didn’t feel as badly – I started wondering if I needed the surgery – whether it would go away on its own (it wasn’t all the way gone and still didn’t have as much energy as usual but it was so much better – solid food and at least 2 meals a day). Unfortunately, I have my answer now as to whether I really need surgery.

I’ve been trying to keep my mind off of things through retail therapy. I’ve made it through 75% of my gift certificates, and I’ve bought more Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab oils than I can ever wear. I have so many coming that it’s not even funny – the most anticipated:

Bon Vivant: An effervescent blend of crystalline champagne notes and sweet strawberry.

The Candy Butcher: An exquisite, enigmatic woman sidles up to you, bearing a tray of strange, dusty curious, chocolate creatures, serpentine taffy, and candied skulls. Her skin is dusky, her eyes are heavy-lidded and sensual, her hair is the fine, soft white of spun sugar, and her skin is softly scented with cocoa. She holds a shrunken head aloft, and beckons. Dark chocolate with a heavy cream undertone.

Pink Phoenix: Silliness in the extreme. Vanilla bean, honeycomb, sugared pear, sweet pea and a dribble of strawberry.

I’ve also accidentally ran into another perfume oil website (damnit damnit damnit) called woobie and ordered a sample set (a bargain actually compared to BPAL – only $6 for 5 sample scents in vials and shipping was only .50) This site can be found here (http://www.woobiebath.com/facialcare.htm) – my opinion on these oils is pending receipt of course :D I ordered:

Pink Sugar Cloud - Sugary lemon drops and pink cotton candy, a dash of fruity light floral, red fruit, fig leaves, caramel and raspberry candy with soft and sweet vanilla-musk base

Sugar Cloud - (Also affectionately known as "Sugar Crack", thanks to Dana) A favorite! Everyone seems to love this scent in the Sugar Cloud Soap, so here you go. Now you can lotion up with it, wash with it, or soak in it. A Sugared Vanilla scent. Light and fluffy like a Sugar Cloud

Passionate - This fragrance begins with top notes of raspberry, blackberry, and fresh strawberries. Followed by mid notes of coconut milk and freshly picked roses. Ending in bottom notes of Egyptian vanilla and amber musk.

Bite Me - This scent is quite unique and gorgeous. Rich tropical fruit notes, delicate fresh green apples perfectly blended with refreshing honeydew and spicy pear notes, then topped off with sweet, yet fresh lightly fruity melons, peaches, and more... If you like a clean, fresh, fruity scent, you will love this one! Makes a wonderful lotion scent!!

Magic - Mmmm...Sandalwood & ylang ylang, with a quick top note of patchouli. Touched with notes of baby powder and vanilla.

My satellite service and dvr will be turned back on tomorrow :D I’m very happy about this – I didn’t realize how much I watched tv while I’ve been sick until it was not available to watch. I’m not sure if I have any deep thoughts tonight. My head is slightly dizzy from the nausea medication. I had a lot of fun on NYE; I only got in a tiny bit of trouble (hehe). I, of course, have been ordered to sell my house by my mother’s husband since she reinstated my mortgage. I’m supposed to get it listed right now, but I just don’t have the energy to clean up currently. I can’t even get up right now without my stomach heaving and my head spinning; hopefully, I will start getting back to my normal self after surgery. I simply can’t take this anymore. My mom is sympathetic and understands that I can’t possibly list the house before surgery; my mother’s husband is being pushy and not even trying to understand. If he had to live with me, he’d understand. You don’t fake pain when you could be doing something fun, naughty, or exciting :P

I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions. Personally, I try to make resolutions or decide to do something positive throughout the year when it arises – I’ve never really been a fan of New Years’ resolutions (I understand that they work for some people just not me). A new year can start any time that you want in your life; it doesn’t necessarily start on the same day for everyone.

"I may be soft in your palm, but I'll soon grow hungry for a fight and I will not let you win..."

I've been in such strange moods - I'm having such a hard time keeping my spirits up. I can't stand waiting for the surgery (although, I don't mind getting into all the trouble I can until then...hehe). I just want to get it over with - I made a list today of things that make me smile to try to stay positive.

Things that make me smile:

(1) The sound of one of my pugs snoring

(2) Lingering in bed on a rainy, dark day

(3) Good sex

(4) Reminiscing about good sex

(5) The sound of a purring cat (no pun intended…hehe)

(6) A warm bed in the winter or a cool pillow in the summer

(7) An amazing kiss that you just don’t want to end

(8) Someone being goofy and trying to make me laugh or cheer me up

(9) Playing music loudly

(10) A funny movie

(11) Buying and wearing a new outfit, new lingerie, new make-up…you get the idea…(grin)

(12) Surprises

(13) Flirting with a talented flirt

(14) Making horrible puns

(15) A painting that just goes right

(16) Discovering a new perfume or shower gel that I love and smelling wherever that I applied it (My newest favorite is Black Phoenix Alchemy's perfume oil in "Eden" - the description is following:

At the center of the Garden of Eden stands the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Though modern interpretations of the Bible claim that it was an apple that the Serpent of the Tree offered to Eve, it is widely believed that the true Fruit of True Knowledge was, in fact, a fig. This oil contains the innocence of the Garden, coupled with the Truth and Erudition found in the fruit of the Tree of Evil: fig leaf, fig fruit, honeyed almond milk, toasted coconut and sandalwood

(17) A conversation that just flows without any lapses

(18) Saying something wicked that I shouldn’t and getting a reaction

(19) Making someone blush or someone making me blush

(20) A unexpected compliment

(21) A hot bath

(22) Having a few moments where I'm not worried about anything

(23) "Racing" someone in my car and not chickening out before he does

(24) Wandering around the house completely naked except for bunny slippers

(25) Making someone else smile

"I said the tables will be turned around boy..."

It’s weird having Christmas early. I don’t like it. Everyone is rushing around, and there are commercials on television about hurrying to grab the last-minute gifts – and, I am just done. Everything is wrapped and unwrapped; everything is over. Christmas Day will just be an inconvenience because everything will be closed. And, then I get mad at myself for whining and complaining about petty, meaningless things when other people are suffering.

I did go out to get two more gifts tonight and went to Dillards to get cologne on my list. Two people cut in front of me. I said something the 2^nd time but was just ignored. I hate when people do that – if there was anywhere else convenient that I could have purchased it, I would have left. I am always so careful about not taking someone else’s turn to be helped. I think that is so inconsiderate to do that. So many people are so selfish now – it’s all about them and how important their time is – other peoples’ time is just as important. It’s just a general lack of respect for people in general – it’s getting worse or I’m noticing it more.

On the upside, I do have lots of new presents. I think I received about 4 gift certificates (Kroger, Fashion Bug, Park Plaza, and Wal-mart), so I can go out and do some shopping this coming week. I had Tyler candles on my list which are these amazing soy candles that smell so good that I’ve been addicted to them for years (big surprise, huh?) and I ended up with 5 of them – I have absolutely no problem with this (grin). I received warm cinnamon, holiday (cranberry and orange scented), sugarbaby (sugar and vanilla scented), Tyler (kind of an ivy Christmas-like scent), and Glamtastic (blackberry over a layer of vanilla). I really didn’t think I’d like the original “Tyler” scent, but once it started burning – I decided that I really like it – I had to look up what was in it:

Bursting with the medley of currant and grapefruit. A dash of green undertones adds an opulent twist! Firmly grounded with confidence! Candle color Camilla Sage.

I also received an artist-made fairy that I can hang from my ceiling, artist-made cat perfume bottle, Black Phoenix oils, gift certificate for a dentist appointment, monkey slippers, shower-gel base, an alligator ornament with a “boa” around its neck carrying shopping bags, a black slinky dress with sequins at the bust, a shirt with a built-in necklace, a pay-as-you-go phone with 1000 minutes, shower gels, belly rings (a butterfly and a skull), two movies (My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Step Up), a sparkly cat necklace, and a fragrance burning lamp. I’m forgetting things – my whole family always goes overboard on Christmas, but this year I think everyone felt especially bad because Christmas was moved and weird. My brother even got angry toward the date (he *never* gets mad), because my mom was supposed to leave the day after Christmas and her husband decided they were leaving that afternoon thus rushing the day. He fell over once trying to rush out of the house and knocked over a gift my brother got my mom and broke a bunch of votives in it. I found out later that they were rushing to pick up his granddaughter from the school bus that drops her off minutes from her house while his grandson is having a small surgery for a “bone spur” type thing – like the kid didn’t have any friends she could go home with or anything – this is crap – just a bullshit excuse. I had to move my surgery two weeks from now, because there isn’t anyone that can watch me the day of, so they can rush up to Chicago where his grandson has a million people that can watch him.

Thus, I can’t have surgery now until January 10, 2007. My mother’s husband extended their “vacation” another 6 days past what was planned, so she isn’t back to until the 3^rd, and my brother is out of vacation days. The next surgery day my surgeon had open after the 3^rd was the 10^th. I hate just sitting here waiting. Another 20 days of pain and fear. If everything was “normal” this year, I would have already been healing from surgery that occurred last Wednesday or had it scheduled for this coming Wednesday. Don’t even get me started on the fact that I have to remove my belly ring for the surgery which will close it :( My brother promised to get it re-pierced for me – he went to the appointment with me and felt bad.

My “6” key on my laptop broke – I wonder if this means something – I’m glad that I am not a superstitious person (hehe). What if I need to type in Satan’s address or something? Or his next door neighbor’s address? (667) (hehe – can’t take credit – saw it on a t-shirt) Of course I’m kidding, I’m only religious during sex (oh, god oh god…hehe), and I’m not anti-religion.

Happy Holidays to everyone.

"Baby, it's cold outside..."

I'm still annoyed about celebrating Christmas early. I hate having it moved around for others' convenience so they can get out of here for Christmas. It's really making me pissy about Christmas. I'm getting pissy just in general, because I'm tired of waiting for the appointment with my surgeon - it's this Tuesday. I tried to get an earlier appointment for weeks and couldn't - I just want to get this over with. I had to be taken to the ER again last night for pain - apparently, if you go into the ER in tears - go to your knees b/c you have to double over because it feels like a hand is inside the middle of your body twisting your insides - you get taken right back - who knew? More blood tests, x-rays, pain medication injection and go home and wait for surgery - at least this time there is some type of potential "end" in sight.

Due to the fact that my mother decided to just move Christmas, I'm not sure if I'm going to get everything in the mail on time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I get everyone in my family a funny t-shirt every year. I ordered my brother's t-shirt off of a website that I always get his from, and they waited 5 days to e-mail me and basically tell me the shirt was out of stock, my order was canceled, and here's my refund - merry freaking Christmas. They didn't even offer to let me pick another shirt with expedited shipping at their expense - it's too late to not have to pay 2 day shipping now since the whole let's move Christmas b/c it's more convenient for 2 people out of 6 thing. I ordered him another t-shirt and had to pay $13 just to get it in time. These are the shirts:

Mother's T-shirt: The shirt has 2 paint splatters where the boobs are and reads "AR TITS" - my mom' s an artist - that one cracks me up :D

Sister-in-Law's T-shirt: It reads across the breasts - "no, I'm not interested, I'm just cold" - she gets mad at me b/c I mess w/her all the time b/c she wears thin shirts and she obviously gets cold a lot - it's probably repressed jealousy b/c I always wanted perky ones (hehe)

Stepfather's T-shirt: There's a snake with a knot in his tail - it reads "A Reptile Dysfunction" - I love bad puns :D

Brother's T-shirt #1 (that was canceled) It had an eye with a "teardrop" and it read "swallow...or it's going in your eye." (laugh) Yeah, we all have sick senses of humor.

Brother's T-shirt #2: "Ask me about my explosive diarrhea." My brother always has to run to the bathroom right after he eats - he jokes about it all the time about whether a bowel movement is a "one-flusher" or "two-flusher" - can you imagine what it was like growing up in my household?

I also got my brother a package of band-aids that look just like strips of bacon: http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=1224

Hilarious. My brother's gifts are always the most fun - I also got him a license plate holder that is red l.e.d. on the bottom and scrolls 5 different programmable messages when you hit the brakes. Hopefully, he won't get arrested for what he chooses as messages. The most evil thing is a rubberband gun - not a "kiddie" one but an adult, stretch that baby out as far as you can, gun - hopefully, since I gave it - I won't get hit by it :P Someone will - can't wait (hehe). The rest of the gifts for everyone are vanilla but still are good picks - I just won't bore you with them here - hell, you didn't even make it this far anyway.

I lost a friend tonight. You know who you are. We've talked extensively online and on the phone, but I haven't had a chance to meet him simply because I'm hesitant about traveling right now b/c of my stomach unless someone is with me in the car. I just wanted to send him a card and a handmade ornament (my mom and I made ornaments this year with swirled paint in them - they rock and they are signed). He wouldn't let me and really didn't offer a good explanation as to why - "our mail goes to the wrong address sometimes" - so? It' s a Christmas card and an ornament - it's not PORN. He already has my address; he looked it up. I give up on understanding people; people are nuts.

"A voyeur with wings flashes a cure..."

Well, I finally got my gallbladder scan results back after almost THIRTY days (how annoying is that?), and I failed. The first test that I've ever been glad that I did poorly on - I finally, finally know what's wrong with my stomach. My ejection fraction went from 34% (37% is normal) down to 15% in two-months. So, my gallbladder is packing its bags and should be taken out the first or second week of January (good riddance you evil bastard ). It's weird having something inside of you that you know is dying. I kept hoping it would come back a little decreased just so that my doctor could see a trend that it was getting worse - I had no idea that it would come back with as poor of function as it did though. I was starting to feel a little crazy. You tell people that you're sick and can hardly move and that you can't eat anything and have to plan events at least 12 hours in advance, so that you can make sure there isn't any food in your system so you won't feel bad - but no one, except for the people you live with, can see any outward signs. People just have a tendency to not believe you. Especially, if you need financial help from anyone - family members really. So, now it was my fault that I quit my job and got myself into this situation but the past 10 months haven't been 100% my fault. I couldn't fight this by myself. It wasn't until 2 months ago that they finally found a combination of medications and pain pills to take when needed to allow for me to be able even to moderately function. I'm still not myself. Every time I got into a car, I would worry if I was close to a hospital or worry that I would get sick while I was out. When I would get sick, I would really get sick - the acid would crawl its way into my throat and cause it to swell and feel like I had someone choking me and my stomach would cramp so badly that I would have to double over to deal with the pain (I lost you at double over didn't I, you big pervs...hehe).

I am officially only as crazy as I ever was previously (hehe). I can deal with normal crazy; I just didn't want to deal with straight jacket crazy (those would be so restricting - just imagine all the things you couldn't do ) I think I cried for 2 hours after the nurse told me on Tuesday. I just didn't know what I felt. Now, I'm scared of course - I've only ever had a tonsillectomy. I've never had to stay in the hospital. I've never had a surgery over 29 minutes which is the amount of time it took my ENT to take out my tonsils. Hopefully, they can perform it laproscopically which will leave me with 4 very small incisions that can be covered with band-aids versus a 4-inch incision which will leave a large scar. Not that I go around showing strangers my stomach on a daily basis - but the latter surgery requires a longer hospital stay and a longer recovery time. I read online that the 4-inch incision is only done in emergent situations or if your gallbladder is too swollen to extract laproscopically (or if you have abdominal girth in a location where it's hard to tell what is being removed...I may be screwed here...hehe...thank god they aren't operating near my boobs...laughing).

Bearing that I make it through the surgery and recovery without a flaw, I wonder how it's going to be after. Is this going to fix everything? I've been stomach sick off/on since the end of law school 6 years ago - was it my gallbladder the entire time? This experience has really changed my personality and my outlook in life - can I get it back? I have a million concerns. I really just want to get the awful thing out of me and heal and get back to normal and start anew. I want a chance to be a "normal" person where I'm not sick every other day. I have a lot of things to catch up on - fun-wise, career-wise - I'm excited and scared.

Some people close to me and a few of my doctors didn't believe that I was sick. My first gastroenterologist finally just told me that it was basically in my head and anxiety-based. My mom had a hard time believing me, because my dad had stomach problems and my grandmother had stomach problems - and my whole family has anxiety issues. I kept trying to tell everyone how sick I was - I literally had multiple days that I did not make it out of the house or out of bed even. I love to go to movies, go shopping, go out dancing - didn't people realize how weird it was that I didn't even leave the house to do these things frequently? I haven't eaten in a restaurant for 10 months - I used to go 2 times a week. It's awful to be sick but even more awful to feel like you have to prove that you are sick. I went to the ER one night because I was feeling so awful and the pain pills weren't making a dent - they gave me the usual G.I. cocktail and a pain medicine injection but no one said hey, hope you find out what this is or hey, hope you feel better. This other woman had sprained her ankle and people were all over her - nurses, hospital staff - as she was leaving - telling her that they hoped she felt better soon. Just because they could see a hairline fracture on her x-ray, she garnered more compassion than everyone else in the ER? She knew what was wrong - she would go home and steadily get better. A lot of the people in the ER are the "lost" people - the ones where someone can't figure out what is wrong or can't heal it. This really bothers me.

My family doctor was so excited when I went to see him this week; he is the one that recommended that I have a second gallbladder scan - he knew what it was the whole time. For anyone reading this who is sick, don't let others tell you that you aren't - you know your body - if you're sick, you know it - keep fighting no matter how many doctors doubt you. Eventually, you may be able to find an answer.

My Christmas list that I sent to my family this year before finding out the results:

Dear Santa:

It’s been a really rough year. I really shouldn’t be asking for any presents, since it will be so hard for me to buy any presents – even though that part of Christmas is truly my favorite part – I love to watch my family’s faces when they open gifts that I spent a lot of time and care choosing. It’s been making me cry almost every day that I realize that I should already be searching for presents and funny t-shirts online, but I just don’t have the means - I wish for my health the most. And, then I wish to get my life back to where I have control of my body and thus control over my career. I am determined though to make sure I am able to get a few special gifts for everyone that I love. These are just all of my ideas – I know I won’t get everything – just trying to make lots of options.

(1) SHOWER GELS:

Peppermint Twist and Wickedly Decadent Chocolate from Bath and Body Works).

Shower Gel BASE from ebay (Bobby knows about this – so I can make my own shower gels – comes in a gallon for about $17.99)

1 oz. flip top squeeze bottles from ebay (to put shower gel that I make in)

(2) 100% Pure essential Oils (These are the oils I use to make perfume and will use to make my own shower gels) I usually buy 1 oz. or smaller – have a 4 oz. bottle that I haven’t put a dent in. Any are good – here are some of the ones on my “to get” list :

(a) Cherry

(b) Vetiver

(c) Sandalwood

(d) Hazelnut

(e) Lemon

(f) Coconut

(g) Peppermint

(h) Amaretto

(i) Honey

(j) Marshmallow

(k) White Tea

(l) Peach

(m) Ylang Ylang

(n) Bergamot

(o) Brown Sugar

(Only about $2.99 each so already have the following: Lime, Clove, White Chocolate, Orange, Frosted Snowdrops, Bubblegum, Vanilla Cream, Vanilla Sugar, Butterscotch, Caramel, Brandy, Spearmint, Dragon’s Blood, Iris, and Dragon’s Breath)

http://stores.ebay.com/BULKOILS on ebay are my favorite so far – very good prices and oils smell really good but other brands are ok too if find unique scent.

The store above has a bunch of sampler sets where you can try 15-16 scents at one time.

(3) Gift Certificate for teeth cleaning (at Bobby/Rachel’s dentist or dentist for COWARDS with updated office – like tv’s on ceilings, etc – want something modern and in Little Rock)

(4) Flexible Keyboard ($7.00) (cheap on ebay and in fun colors!)

(5) Tyler candles (love food scents – used all of sugarbaby candle L )

(6) Popsicle Molds ($5.00) (want to make own popsicles with sugar-free drinks)

(7) Gift certificates

www.fashionbug.com

www.zaftique.com

(fashion bug will help you over telephone, mom)

(8) Black phoenix alchemy IMPS (samples – only should be 2.99-5.00 – very small) Here are some of the ones I’m still trying to get – don’t need all of these – just some to search for if you want on ebay: )

black pearl eat me wrath honey moon

white rabbit bliss death on a pale horse “O”

hungry ghost moon bon vivant sin

dragon moon chimera beaver moon

snow moon eclipse pink moon

snow bunny velvet lick it

On a positive note, my best friend believed me the whole time, and, even though he's always not the nicest person, he was always there for me when I was sick. Also, my brother never disbelieved me - he helped me every chance that he had - talked to me anytime that I called him when I was sicker than usual and/or scared or panicky. He never doubted me (he slipped me $200 to buy Christmas gifts with the other day - that made me cry so hard). My mother paid my car payments last month and started paying for all my medications. As you can see my number one Christmas wish was granted - that I would get a chance to get better physicaly, I guess I can't complain as much about having bad luck (of course, I still have to make it through the surgery...oh be quiet, you didn't really think that I could change overnight, did you? hehe)