"Breaking up the girl..."

I'm trying to decide whether or not to get my hair cut. I really need a change. I've had long hair most of my life, and I haven't had it cut into a short style for at least 10 years. I really like how America's Next Top Model cut Sara's hair above - and, if I get it cut, that's the style that I would like. If I talk myself into it, it's going to be difficult to keep my courage up. I dislike the fact that my hair is a security blanket. I'm fairly shy in person, and if I tilt my head a little - I have instant privacy. If my hair is short, I don't have that privacy - my face is just out there for anyone to see no matter how uncomfortable or how nervous I am. The last time I got it cut I hated it, but I had it cut to my shoulders. From looking at past pictures of myself, my hair actually only looks good if it's really short or really long - I don't like pictures of myself with my hair at any of the medium lengths. So, if I do it, I have to go all the way (hehe). I keep telling myself that if you have long hair - you can fix it in ways where you can see all of it or make it appear shorter by pinning it up. Although, I don't hardly ever wear my hair up - I wear it in ponytails a lot in the summer. On the upside, I have tons of long and gorgeous earrings that I've gotten over the years that I've never really had an opportunity to wear in a way that people could see them. Also, my hair grows at a really fast pace - so, if I hated it - it's not going to take 5 years to get it back. I remember when it was shorter; I would look at women with longer hair and wish that I hadn't cut it. I also remember feeling naked without it. I've changed a lot of the past couple of years, so I'm wondering if the present me would deal with it better and have fun with it. I'm trying not to make a rash decision, because that it the easiest way to regret something. Also, despite any emotional attachment, it really is only hair. I'm sure other people in the world (including myself) have a million other things to worry about that are much more important. Decisions decisions

"Because now I see the destructive power of a lie...they're stronger than truth"

I despise liars. I just don't understand people that lie all of the time. How can someone stand in front of you and promise that he/she is not lying to you and still be lying? I guess some people are just made differently. I've lied to protect someone else's feelings about something he/she cannot change (e.g. Do you like my new haircut?). But, even this is only done with people I don't know very well. If my brother asked me how a shirt looked or my best friend asked, I would tell either of them to change if it was awful. I hope that they would do the same with me. I can't lie about the important things. I have no desire to lie about the important things. My first boyfriend lied. I was with him for 4 years. He lied about everything. The last year he was in high school, he pretended to leave for school every day from my house (he lived with me and my mom because his parents were having separation problems) and in actuality he was driving to a friend's house. He had to get a G.E.D. after school ended, because he had missed so many days. He had me help him with homework that he never turned in; he let my mom support him because his parents only gave him $20.00 a week. He wrecked the 2nd car that I ever had - a two-week old 3000 GT - racing against someone else while I was in a college class. He told me that he slid off the road in the rain; he told his friends the truth and it got back to me. 6,000 dollars worth of damage, and they never did repair it correctly - I finally just traded it in after a couple of years. He just lied about everything...he had a whole secret life. I think that's the main quality that I look for in friends or significant others - honesty is crucial. Nothing is worse than the feeling of not knowing someone that you've lived with or have had an extended relationship with. Who wants to have to be suspicous of someone all of the time? Who wants to have to check to make sure that person isn't lying all of the time. That is no way to live. I was lied to this week by someone that I really believed was my friend. It hurts. It makes the world have that surreal feeling, where something seems wrong but you can't pinpoint it. It's just an uneasy feeling in your stomach.

I also don't understand people that can say awful things to you when you're arguing. There are some things that you can say to a person that can never be taken back - can never be truly apologized for - can never be forgotten. Anyone that knows another person well probably knows 2 or 3 things that you should never make fun of about that person - that the person is truly afraid of or truly sensitive about. I try to never hit these buttons in an argument even if the other person is hitting my buttons just to hurt me. I learned a long time ago that you really can't ever look at someone again in the same way once these things are said. It changes the friendship/relationship forever.

I was called last week about a position that I applied for and had a second interview pursuant to over 2 months ago. He basically called to just tell me why I didn't get a job. That was very odd; I've never had someone do that. He said he may have another position available in 2 months but that the other candidate had 10 years of experience. It's weird - I'm having a difficult time finding a full-time job, but everyone always feels guilty for not hiring me. I wish someone would feel guilty enough to hire me :P

I had to call the police last week, because someone was on my upper deck next to my bedroom. I was upstairs in my room, and my roommate had just opened the door to go outside on the middle floor and I heard someone run down the wooden steps - my roommate saw the person running but it was dark. The first police car got here about 45 minutes after I called 911. The police officer told me that they couldn't find my house, because the numbers appear to be "off" - the house across the street is 11 numbers different than my address. I had seen the police car enter the beginning of the street the first time, but I wasn't going to run down the road to lead them to the right house when I just called in that someone was on my deck and was running away. I didn't want to be shot :P She told me that she had to wait for her supervisor to get there to write up a report, and he got there about 5 minutes later. He just looked at me like I was looney tunes while I described what had happened. I've only had to call the police maybe 3 times in my life (one was when someone broke into my house - breaking the garage window), one was to report someone throwing hard objects at cars - mine included, and this was the third. I explained that I had checked both the upper and lower deck, but that I had not checked the backyard (which is fairly large and has lots of shrubbery). He didn't offer to check the backyard and didn't write a report. He said that they had looked at the other streets and hadn't noticed anyone. I explained that I'm sure that whomever it was - was surely gone because it had been 45 minutes since it occurred. The whole interaction was just odd. There have been a rash of burglaries and break-ins in this area lately, so now it's even more difficult to sleep.

I have a very difficult time thinking optimisitic thoughts. When I'm around people, I'm generally pretty happy and I laugh a lot and have fun. But, in my own mind, I think very negatively about things that are happening to me or things that I wish would happen. I think I do this so that when the good things don't happen or when the bad things occur - I'll be ready for them. I won't be disappointed. I wish it was a thought process that I could change, and I really have tried to change it. My mom is very big into thinking positively and imagining good things happening to you. I've just never have been able to do this - I always joke around and tell people that I have lots of luck - just most of it is bad. Maybe all of my good luck will come later in life (with my luck, I won't be here to receive it...laugh).

"Art is lies that tell the truth."

I couldn't sleep last night, so I painted instead. I haven't painted in months - it's hard to start over after you haven't for awhile. You have to completely find your rhythm again and typically the first few things you do are horrible. I'm tired of doing abstracts, so I'm going to do womens' faces for awhile and see what happens. I'm going to go sleep now for about 12 hours

"Somebody get me out of here...I'm tearing at myself...nobody gives a damn about me or anybody else"

I am in the 8th hour of the most amazing migraine headache. I haven't had a migraine for probably 3 years. The last time I had one it took a couple of days short of a month to get rid of and three emergency room visits. The last visit they finally decided to give me a spinal tap to make sure that there wasn't a bleed in my brain, since my headace wasn't responding to any type of medication. I'll never forget that for two reasons. One, it was my birthday. Two, the nurse told me if I couldn't hold it for four hours which is the amount of time that you have to lay still for 4 hours after the procedure that she would have to run a catheter. My family doctor finally figured out that my migraine was caused by severe indigestion (big surprise), and that if I could get my stomach under control, which was really hard to do because the stomach problem would trigger the migraine and then the migraine would make me nauseous and in more stomach distress, that I could get my migraine under control. I've taken an amazing amount of medication today trying to fight this thing, including 2 Vicodin which I am prescribed for severe stomach cramping; yet, it's still here. I keep playing Family Feud which I don't remember sucking at so much as I apparently do. Some of the questions are phrased funny or I'll type an answer and it's just using a different word so the computer doesn't recognize it - it's pissing me off. I'm trying to keep my brain distracted, since it's typically my worst enemy. If I can't beat this with the next round of pain killers, I'm going to have to try to rouse my roommate (which is going to be impossible since he was drinking with his friend and is passed out cold) or call my brother 15 times until he hears the phone and make him take me to the ER. I am not going by myself. I just keep feeling the pressure like my brain is just going to explode. I used to have a friend that had migraines so bad, that he would throw up immediately and then pass out about 30 minutes into them and sleep for hours. He told me that he had to pull over on the side of the road one time in his car. That would scare the hell out of me but at least you would get to sleep through the majority of the pain.

One of my friends knocked tonight, but I made my roommate answer and tell him that I wasn't here. I've had wet washcloths on my head all night, and my hair, thus, is all curly, and I look scary. I didn't want to face anyone tonight. You know I don't feel well if I can't even get make-up on. I'm a make-up junkie; I love to play with the colors and use different techniques to slightly alter the features of my face or others' faces. I need more make-up modeling dummies around. I used to get excited when I was younger, and my brother and his friends would choose that year to dress up as women for Halloween. I would get to do all of their make-up and hair. Although, one of the last years that they did this they all decided to keep their facial hair which was really disgusting. It's not as much fun to try to put make-up over facial hair. Plus, we went out to eat at Outback and hardly anyone, except for the staff, were dressed up - so everyone kept laughing at us and/or trying not to look in the direction of our table.

I tried shopping for awhile to distract myself. I purchased two perfume samples. One is a mixture of vanilla, mango, musk, and berry and sounds really interesting. The other is a perfume that I used to own a long time ago. I also got a sparkly, skull necklace. I really wanted the pink one, but I kept getting outbid on it. I finally just settled on the one with clear crystals. I saw "Ice Age 2" this week which was really cute; although, there were a lot more religious references than in the original Ice Age which I found surprising. Most notably, there was a play on Noah's Ark when the animals were trying to travel to the "big boat" before the ice melted which was really a huge, old half of a tree that resembled a large piece of driftwood. I love animated movies that have that mixture of slapstick humor, to appeal to children or the "child" in adults, and the adult innuendos to appeal to an older audience.

I saw "Proof" earlier in the week too which was one of those make you think movies. I usually don't watch movies that I know are going to be sad, but every time I was at Blockbuster it was always rented - all of them - so it piqued my curiousity (how I get into trouble every single time). It made some reference to a saying that I have heard before how people that are truly crazy don't ever stop to question whether they are indeed crazy. Everyone has those few, maybe one, moment(s) in his or her life where something surreal is occurring or where things just don't feel quite right, and you question your sanity - maybe only for a split second. I hope this theory is the case, because I've had a few moments like that. Mainly, when I first went through the diagnosis for my IBS (b/c I was so sick and no one could tell me why and I knew that my family thought that it was all in my head b/c there really aren't a lot of physical symptoms that one can see). I've noticed that's often a problem in the health care field also. Some doctors seem to always treat you more compassionately if you are bleeding or have something broken versus when you are suffering from something internal that you have to describe. Maybe it's some element of distruct in the patients. I also always hear that definition of crazy being if you do the same thing over and over and expect different results. I've thought about this a lot, because I do make the same mistakes over sometimes. But, this is mainly with people and not static situations. I trust people that I shouldn't, but each person isn't the same, so I don't think that this fits the idea of the theory. Either way, I'm covered under the crazy exclusion under the first theory (grin).

I had a friend message me earlier in the week and immediately start making sexual references and not subtlely hinting that he wanted to come over. I directly (yes, I was direct...shocking) told him that I wasn't feeling well so I was just going to rest that night. He started telling me that he could make my stomach feel better. Umm...I love sex, but that is not going to make my stomach feel better. Jostling around just never works. I really got mad, but my doctor has given me a new anti-spasmodic medication for stomach cramping and it appears to act as a sedative too, and even though the typical desire to tell him off was still present - I just didn't have the desire to put all that energy into something that wasn't worth it. I told him thanks for his concern and added him to the legions in my ignore list. I logged on the next morning - I had trouble sleeping, visibly for about 2 seconds, and he had the gall to message me and ask me if I wanted some morning entertainment. I mean, what the hell is wrong with people. (It may be helpful to note that my ignore function does not work for some reason. Even though I clear my list out so there is room for more periodically, if I put someone on ignore, the next time that I log in - that person isn't on ignore any longer). It's very frustrating.

I ran into an older friend this past weekend while I was out. I never thought I'd see him again. He's an amazing kisser, and even further makes me wonder what has happened to all of the good kissers. My mouth is typically soft (yes, even with all the trash that I talk...laugh) and his is soft - and it's an interesting combination. I'm getting tingles just thinking about it.

One of my cats ran over my bare back for some reason and scratched me. I still feel the headache but my back is burning too and taking some of the focus off of my head. It reminds me of Major Payne where he "gives them a little something to take their minds off that pain" and proceeds to twist their finger in painful ways. And, yes, I'm done now - aren't you glad? Maybe I'll come back and fix all the grammatical mistakes that are threading through this blog (codeine makes your mind fuzzy) later.

"I tried hard to mend my wicked ways...the damage's done...there's nothing left to save"

I finally got to Memphis for more than a day - things just kept happening every day that I tried to go. I've indulged in retail therapy, and I feel much better :) I bought mostly "going out" clothes. I went down a size in clothing when I was healing from my tonsillectomy, and I had replaced my casual clothing but hadn't replaced my going out clothing. My mom promised to help me replace my work wardrobe when/if I ever get employed again, so I just focused on buying naughty and "up to something" clothing (laugh). One of the dresses that I bought is really cute. It's black and has four assymetrical layers of the skirt that have ruffles - one of the ruffles ends right before my butt so it makes it look like I actually have a bigger one than I do. Works for me - my top half is my more endowed half ;) Usually I don't notice when men are checking out my rack but my roommate and I stopped at Walgreens before going out to dinner with some friends and family, and I finally caught someone doing it. He was checking out our items and just not really paying attention to customers and looked up and just stared at my cleavage (did I mention that the dress is really low cut also? laugh). He actually stopped what he was saying for a minute and almost dropped 2 items (hehe). This hardly ever happens to me, because I have a few features that are likeable, but I'm not really someone one would just look at in public and be automatically attracted to (the stereotypical person). I'm more of a "once you get to know me and talk to me" then you're attracted type of girl. My roommate and I went to a party/club later, and a woman in the restroom told me that she had seen me come in and that she thought that I was beautiful. I swear to God I'm wearing this dress everywhere from now on (laugh). She caught me off guard, and I told her that I thought she was beautiful also (which she was) ;) It's fairly difficult to render me speechless (as you can tell), but it does happen occasionally (grin).

Dinner was much more entertaining than anticipated. The waiter was legitimately funny (not one of those people that just thinks that he/she is funny) and kept cracking jokes. He came to the table once and apologized for taking a few minutes but said that he had to change his shirt because a customer spilled sour cream all over it. I told him to be glad that it wasn't his pants. (I swear to god that for once that I did not mean this in a perverted way at all....laugh...really) Apparently, it was taken in the perverted way. Did I mention that I still can't keep myself from blushing when I say something awful or accidentally awful?

(Ok, so you know I'm leaving all *kinds* of details out about the party/club that I went to...I'm not sure how much of it that I want to admit yet...laugh...and, yes, I sincerely was perfectly behaved).

I had to fill out some forms (insurance, tax form) for the writing position that I am in the running for, and I really don't think that was fair. The insurance form wasn't like a typical employee policy for large employers where you really don't have to fill out a lot of personal information about the medication you take or any ailments that have been treated for in the past. I had to list any medications I'm taking and list everything that I've been to a physician for in the past 2 years. This bothers me. I would hate to think that a hiring decision would be made based on the insurance form. One, I've struggled with anxiety problems in the past specifically during situations where my IBS had acted up and no one could tell me how to make it any better. I had to list this on the form. Two, the insurance company was one of the companies that had denied me insurance in the past because of pre-existing conditions - namely, IBS and borderline blood pressure. So, obviously, the owner of this agency is probably going to have to pay more for my insurance than the other candidate for the position. I'll never know if this factored into the decision (which it shouldn't be a factor).

If I'm interacting with someone and building some sort of friendship (even a casual one), I will talk to that person about anything and encourage that person to do the same. There is no way that the interaction is going to develop into anything or encourage trustworthiness if you can't feel like you can really talk to that person. I actually had someone be rude to me, because that person didn't want me to talk about certain subjects in his prescence. That has never happened to me before. I've never had anyone just stop me mid-conversation and flat out tell me that he didn't care about what I was saying at that point in time. Some people just confuse the hell out of me. I wish I was psychic.

My belly button piercing had almost healed enough to allow me to change the jewelry and then it got red and swollen again and showed some signs of infection. I have to take evil antibiotics for 7 days now.

There is a bird outside of my bedroom windows that makes noises constantly *all* night. I think the bird has accidentally gotten onto my schedule. I usually don't notice any type of noise; my house is always noisy. It's driving me nuts.

"She's not the kind of girl who likes to tell the world about the way she feels about herself..."

Why do you look at someone that you see out - or see a picture of a person sometimes and think that person is at least five years older than you and then find out that the person is the same age as you? Do I just not see myself as I really am? Has that person just been harder on his or her body than I have been? I've seen pictures of myself; I can look at myself in the mirror. I realize that my face has changed and that I'm getting older. I look at my hands sometimes and see my grandmother's hands for a split second and it scares the hell out of me. I still get carded; I typically get pegged for around 27. I think age is mostly conception regardless. Your age can seem so different depending on the way that you dress and the way that you act. If only getting older wasn't connected to that whole pesky death thing.

I'm in a rotten mood. My tattoo is itching and drove me crazy half of last night. I accidentally scratched the tail of the dragon because I didn't realize how low it was - I looked at it under the light and it doesn't appear that I damaged it. My roommate keeps telling me to slap it to get the itchiness out; I feel like a moron slapping my leg. My belly button is red; a piercing shop told me to use salt water on it. I also feel like a moron with a cup of salt water suctioned onto my stomach. The original person that pierced it told me not to use salt water; the salt water appears to be helping so I'm going to keep doing it. Tomorrow is the last day of my 7 day bath ban because of my tattoo. I think that's one of the reasons that I'm in such a bad mood. Baths relax me. There are very few activities that truly shut off my brain - some more than others - hot bubble baths, sex, and listening to music. I had a second job interview for the non-attorney position today. It was a lunch interview; I detest lunch interviews. An interview is bad enough, but then you add in all the variables like trying to eat something that you won't make a mess with or get stuck in your teeth. Plus, the whole maintaining eye contact with the interviewer while you're trying to down enough of the lunch, so that you don't seem ungrateful. I get nervous anyway, and this just makes it worse and increases the chance that I'll say something stupid. I'm told it's down to me and one other person. If this follows the pattern of the rest of my life, it will mean that I won't get the job. It's so hard to stay focused and positive about finding a job when you're having a hard time finding another. I just can't stay enthused with that "go get it" attitude for this long. I feel worthless most of the time with respect to my career. I'm 33 years old; I should be much further along career-wise than I am currently. I always feel like I'm lagging behind. I'm just sitting around losing time. I hate that feeling. I should be painting. The minute that I get a job I'll long to have time to paint again, and I had all this time and only painted maybe 10 days total. I don't know what's wrong with me lately; I just need to get my enthusiasm back.

A person that I was intimately involved with for a few months that I had fallen out of touch with called the other day. I'm not calling him back. He made up some excuse that he discontinued his Internet service for why I haven't heard from him in so long. Anyone can call and leave a phone message; he has both of my phone numbers. He has my address. Was he out of stamps? Did his phone break? Why can't people just tell the fucking truth? I'm so sick of lies and excuses. Just admit it - you found someone else to hang out with - you pursued someone else and it didn't work out - someone that lived 10 minutes away from you instead of 3 hours. This was the first person that I ever tried to pursue a relationship with that lived further than 20 minute away. I thought he was worth it. I already was over this and expected not to ever hear from him again months ago. I've already dealt with this in my mind. One of the rare people that talked to me instead of just wanting to have sex. I'm really just tired of people that only want to have sex with me. I need the mental stimulaton as well as the physical or the physical is just lacking. You can always find someone to have sex with if you're a female. It's like pulling teeth to find someone that wants to talk to you as well as get you naked. I don't trust many people regardless, but I trust people even less when that person just seems to be too good to be true. I don't like when people just tell me what that person thinks I want to hear. I want to hear what is really true. If you're looking for someone to have sex with - fine - just tell me that. If you're looking for someone to casually date and maybe have sex if things lean that way - fine - just tell me that. There just isn't any way to get to know someone if that person isn't being honest, and I think it's wholly unfair to not tell someone the truth about what you're looking for - that person bases his/her expectations on what you're willing to offer. If I choose to interact with someone, I take what that person has to offer. If you lie about what you want or don't want, the other person is in the dark.

I had to find my birth certificate today and ran across some pictures that I didn't realize that I had of my cat that died from cancer the day after Christmas. I miss her so much; her name was Kismet and she always would stay with me when I didn't feel well. She hated everyone else, but if my stomach was hurting or I was in pain, she would be next to me in under 5 minutes. She just innately knew.

I swear to god that if I wasn't going to work in the legal or writing field that I would color my hair pink. I should have gotten an art degree.

"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."

I can't believe that I got a second tattoo...the colors came out really well though; it was almost impossible to capture the brightness of the one shade of pink. My brother actually didn't chicken out; I was impressed. His tattoo was based on an evil cheshire cat from an old Alice in Wonderland computer game; it's really awesome. The cat is in shades of blue and has a big grin on its face w/blood on its teeth. The cat has 3 tattoos and an earring through one of its ears. Mine hurt more this time, and I had forgotten that last time I had ordered a cream to put on the skin that numbs the outer layer of skin. I didn't realize how much that had actually helped. Once he did the outline though, the coloring never hurts as badly to me. The same man that did my first tattoo did my second. He's really funny actually. He has a wicked sense of humor like I do. When my roommate kept reminding me to breathe, I told him jokingly that if I held my breath long enough that I would pass out and not feel anything. The tattoo artist made some comment, and all I heard was "big man" and ass. My roommate thought he said something about spanking and I thought I heard something about a big man being on me if I passed out - either way, it was dirty (laugh). I have no problem with dirty

I have to sit here all afternoon and wait for Comcast to come and not fix anything once again. I'm so tired of dealing with them and not being able to use my home phone because it cuts out all the time b/c of the cable connection. Not to mention not being able to use anything Internet-based for more than 20 minutes without interruption. They weren't ever going to come back, since they have it fixed to 60% performance-wise - so I had to start calling again. At least this time, I have kept a log of the times/dates that it has disconnected. It's a neverending battle.