Well, the EGD turned out pretty much as anticipated - although, to be fair to myself, I did get almost a full night of sleep this time beforehand and I was less scared than the first time. They couldn't get the scope down my throat again, so I have to go Friday and have it done in the hospital, so I can be placed under general anesthesia. The doctor tried to mind-trick me and tell me that he was giving me more of the two medicines that they administer to sedate you, but I knew he didn't give me any more than he gives any of his other patients. The last 2 times that I was sedated with the two medicines, I can't even remember the color of doctor's shirt that did the procedure and had to have help putting my shoes and bra on (my mom finally gave up and just put my bra in my purse that time...grin) The spray they use in your throat lasts hours after the procedure and takes away your gag reflex - which is kinda cool b/c usually I can trigger my gag reflex occasionally even by brushing my back teeth. (I keep thinking only if you had this spray applied when you felt well...I'm sure you could find something to do that would be more interesting...hehe). My mom even took me out to a nice dinner and shopping the night before to keep my mind off things. I've never tried a martini, so, of course, I did. These rare daring (stupid?) moments that arise from having some foreign procedure or event scheduled the next day. It was really good actually, the one I chose, it was Godiva White Chocolate Liquer and Absolut Vodka. After half of it, the room was spinning (empty stomach). So, I had my martini and a half of loaf of the bread they bring out before your entree (laugh) I think I mentally persuaded myself that the bread would combat the alcohol; I finally just got warm after about 20 minutes. I can handle warm 
I've only had two true girl-friends (yes, dash intended on this one...laugh) in grade and high school. Most of my close friends have always been male; I'm not sure what that says about me. Girls never really liked me that much. I think it's because I grew up with my brother and all of his friends around. My best grade school friend was much more daring than I; I was a prude until about 5 years ago. She moved away when I was 14 I believe. My best friend in high school also moved away, and with the exception of one more brief encounter, I haven't really heard from her. She was also more daring than I was at that time ;) I know there was some type of altercation, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was about. She found my name on classmates.com and sent me an e-mail. It's weird talking to someone after so many years. She's married and has two adopted children now (they are adorable) and lives in Colorado. I have a difficult time with long distance interactions. It's appreciated to have close friends, but it's hard when that person can't be around you when you need that person or vice versa. I wonder if we'll have anything in common now. It appears that she is "calmer" than she used to be, and I'm more daring than I used to be - it almost seems like I'm going backwards. Of course, I should have went through this stage in high school and college - but I was just so shy. I'm shy now too but not nearly as bad as I used to be. Maybe one day I'll strike some sort of balance.
I see life as a journey mostly about learning who I am. I don't think I'll ever figure out entirely who I am - mainly, because this seems to change every day - not typically drastically but just subtle changes - maybe in how I see something or a new thought that I have about a past event. I don't ever want to quit learning; I think that's the moment that you get old mentally. My grandmother was so afraid of computers that she would not even look at one. I can't imagine being afraid of learning something. I can put up sheetrock now for god's sake - I wouldn't have ever thought that I could do something like that. I'm completely non-handy in the handyperson sense (laugh) Although, the skill of my hands in other areas.... 
I miss some of the parts of myself that used to be - like the fact that I used to believe in love much more than I do now. I don't believe in the "fairy tale" and "Cinderella" type of love like I used to when I was younger. Love to me is now more about compassion - someone that wants to talk to me when I'm not talking about sex and "fun" things, someone that sits with me when I'm not feeling well - it's the little things to me that count the most. I think I've only felt the relationship type of love probably 4 times in my life (2 of these times were extremely naive and not sure if I even want to include them). It worries me that none of these worked out. The only way that I know that I'm really "falling" for someone is when I think about that person more than I should and memories of being with that person - in all types of capacities - are memories that I bring to mind when I want to smile.
My mind is obviously all over the place tonight ;) I'll just blame it on the medicines they gave me this morning to sedate me (laugh) I truly have been groggy all day. My belly button is still a little sore and red I'm hoping that I'll be a quick healer 
The crazy computer woman had to go to the doctor and be put on anxiety medications and her white blood cell count is low - so something may be wrong w/her. I told my mother last week that she needed medicaton for her anxiety (my mom that I was joking and being sarcastic...but I really did mean it). I knew when she was making all of the calls to my house that she was having panic attacks. If you ever have even just one, you always remember it and always can recognize it. I'm afraid to go back and read the letter that I wrote to her with her bill; I don't want to feel guilty. I'm not ever really directly rude (unless someone really deserves it), and in her situation, I really did write the letter objectively and wasn't blatantly rude. I'm not feeling guilty, damnit 
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